Sunmi had chosen herself and her health over the Wonder Girls and no matter how much others tell her that she did the right thing, that you need to take care of yourself, she can’t help but feel like a traitor, like a quitter. She feels ashamed and doesn’t answer her phone, her messages or even move from her bed. It’s okay because she’s still exhausted from the endeavor of conquering the States, from the countless hours of practice and performing in a foreign land far away from family, far from Taeyeon, far from anything she knew. And now she’s away from the other girls, from her second family and she feels even worse.

She tells her mom not to tell anyone that she’s home. She tells her to tell her group mates that she’s fine, that she’s just resting, and when Taeyeon…if Taeyeon called as well, to tell her that she’s just…

She misses her, she misses her so much that it hurts. And she feels like complete trash for not ending things properly. But she stays strong to her resolve. She ignores all the incoming calls on her cell, all the voice mail, all the texts. She knows Taeyeon would get tired of her cowardice, would get tired of chasing her, and she knows it was a good thing. Taeyeon needed someone better than her. Sunmi didn’t deserve her.

She didn’t deserve anyone at the moment.

Sunmi felt broken, like cracked glass, like an empty shell. Maybe becoming a trainee at such a young age was a bad idea. But she had fun with her girls, she had fun debuting, promoting, performing, even though it was tough sometimes.

But now was her chance to go back to school, finish high school and go to a good university. She could focus on her studies and hone her singing and dancing on her own, far away from the spot light, far away from the Wonder Girls, and far away from Taeyeon.

She was happy that JYP didn’t kick her out of the company. He told her that she just needed to do her own thing and to not worry and that deep down inside, she would always be a Wonder Girl. She basked in that thought.

And although things were slightly awkward after she’d disappeared from the real world for a few weeks, she managed to make up with her group mates and even made new friends with Hyelim, her replacement.

She monitored them closely despite being busy with school and her own personal training. She maybe missed being on stage, loving the new singles and even learning the dances, but she didn’t regret her decision, no matter how painful the process was in the end.

And Taeyeon had stopped trying to contact her. She stopped getting the texts, the voice messages, and Sunmi was relieved. At first she’d hoped that Taeyeon wouldn’t give up on her, to keep trying to reach out to her until she was more stable again, but she knew this was for the best.

Weeks passed by, months as well and Sunmi had told herself that her new life would help her forget about Taeyeon. But it was hard, it was nearly impossible.

SNSD had been on fire since they released Gee just a year before. They were constantly coming back, doing shows, performances, concerts, everything. It was impossible to not hear about them, to ignore their presence and not have to see Taeyeon’s face anywhere. Because she was literally everywhere.

And so Sunmi stopped denying herself and found herself becoming Taeyeon’s number one fan again, secretly. She followed their shows, bought their albums and occasionally would try to watch a live or two. But she disguised herself well, not knowing what she could possibly do if she were to face the older girl again.

She was passed apologies by now. She was ashamed and knew that nothing could fix what she did, but she accepted that, accepted that maybe it was best that they were apart.

However, one day after classes, as she sits alone on her laptop at the campus’ café, she nearly jumps when someone sits across from her.

“Long time no see,” a familiar voice says, causing Sunmi’s eyes to nearly pop out of her sockets. She feels her cheeks heat up and a shiver go up her spine.

“T-Taeyeon unnie?” Sunmi whispers incredulously. “What if someone recognizes you?”

The older girl was in sweats, her hood covering her head and a mask covering . She looks tired, sick even and Sunmi feels a pang in her heart.

“That doesn’t matter, I wanted to see you,” Taeyeon says quietly, her eyes piercing into Sunmi’s.

Sunmi’s speechless however. She can’t tell Taeyeon that she’s missed her like crazy and that maybe she shouldn’t have just cut ties. But it was way too late to try to fix things, and she was scared, terrified, even though Taeyeon was the one to seek her out.

“How’s school?” Taeyeon asks, tilting her head before going into a coughing fit.

“It’s good,” Sunmi furrows her brows, “But shouldn’t you be resting right now?”

When her coughing subsides, Taeyeon somehow laughs, catching Sunmi by surprise.

“Here I was hoping that you’d be happy to see me,” she shakes her head and her eyes tell Sunmi that she’s still smiling. “And after all the trouble I went through to sneak out…The girls would kill me if they knew I was here.”

Sunmi’s mouth opens and closes, not sure what to say exactly. She wasn’t prepared, wasn’t sure if she’d ever be prepared for an encounter like this.

“You must hate me,” she says quietly, her eyes straying down to the notes in front of her.

Taeyeon shakes her head, “Don’t say that. I mean, I was upset, mad even about the whole thing, but I know you had your reasons. I just…I wanted to check up on you.”

Sunmi takes in a deep breath before insisting that they change location. And so they’re outside in the middle of an abandoned part of campus, attempting to catch up.

“You’ve grown up a lot,” Taeyeon comments, admiring Sunmi’s features and causing the younger girl to blush.

“I haven’t grown enough,” Sunmi replies, looking away to hide the pink in her cheeks.

It’s awkward and Sunmi can feel the tension in the air. She’s tried so hard to pick herself up, to lighten the conversation but she can’t. She feels too guilty, still unworthy of this attention.

“Why can’t you look at me?” Taeyeon asks, starting to get slightly agitated with Sunmi’s behaviour. Maybe she was asking for too much, hoping that things could go back to the way they used to be after being apart from each other for so long.

“I…” Sunmi can’t speak, and she’s trembling and she’s on the verge of crying and she hates this, hates herself, hates Taeyeon for showing up out of the blue.

But she knows that’s not true, especially when Taeyeon wraps her arms around her in a tight embrace.

“I don’t deserve this,” Sunmi confesses, sobbing into Taeyeon’s shoulder. “You should hate me, you should be mad at me, you should be ignoring me after all I’ve done to you.”

Taeyeon stays silent and rubs circles into the small of her back.

“Is that what you want?” Taeyeon mumbles after Sunmi manages to calm down.

“No,” Sunmi answers truthfully, wiping her eyes as Taeyeon lets go of her.

“Then what do you want?” her voice is low and Sunmi can’t tell the emotions behind her words, worrying her a little.

“I don’t know, this is too sudden. I honestly,” her voice breaks and she turns around, holding onto herself, “I really thought you didn’t want to see me ever again, after the way I treated you.”

Taeyeon pauses, thinking over about what she should say carefully. She hadn’t exactly planned this moment properly, despite asking Yubin for Sunmi’s whereabouts only a day ago. She was just so caught up in seeing Sunmi again, not really thinking of the possible results. And when she’s ready, she opens but then her phone suddenly beeps and when she picks it up to look at it, she curses a little.

“Manager oppa’s looking for me,” she lets out a deep sigh, not knowing if she’ll ever get this chance again. “I have to go.”

Sunmi relishes in how conflicted and agitated Taeyeon sounds, knowing and feeling how much she wants to stay, how much she wants to sort things out. And she’s sorry she’s unprepared, unwilling, and hesitant.

“Wait, before you go…how did you find me?” she gathers strength and makes sure that she makes eye contact with Taeyeon, knowing that this may be the last time they’re face to face for a while. “We haven’t spoken in ages.”

“Let’s just say that a little birdy told me,” Taeyeon chuckles, thankful that she still keeps in touch with a certain someone.

“Was that bird’s name, Yubin unnie?” Sunmi accuses, making a note to interrogate the girl later. She’d never mentioned that she and Taeyeon were still speaking to each other. And who gave her permission to reveal her whereabouts?

Instead of answering, Taeyeon pulls Sunmi in for one last hug goodbye.

“Don’t be a stranger.”

And she tried, she really did but Sunmi couldn’t bring herself to text Taeyeon. She used every possible excuse to not text her. Studying for exams, working on assignments, being too tired from her dance practice and vocal training. And she knew Taeyeon was busy anyway. SNSD was always back and forth from Japan, always preparing for a comeback, always busy with whatever. And Sunmi couldn’t let go of that guilty feeling and she knew things couldn’t be the same. She was a coward but was satisfied with watching from afar.

Yubin scolded her, telling her that she was being childish and that Taeyeon didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. Which is exactly what Sunmi was thinking, which is exactly why she knew that it just wouldn’t work out. It was too hard.

Soon enough, Sunmi was getting ready for her solo debut. She was consumed in her work, her recordings, the dance practices. She wanted this debut to be perfect, to show the world that she wasn’t just lying around, wasting away after leaving the Wonder Girls.

And she was shocked, ecstatic when she was so well received. It made all the changes and uncertain, risky, but exhilerating artistic choices worth it. The chopping of her hair, the bleaching, colouring it pink, dancing around on her bare feet. And she soon embraced it again, the idol life.

It was hard and tiring at first, but instead of it draining her completely of all her energy like the American endeavour, performing once again gave her life, gave her purpose. She was shy in interviews, not used to doing any of this alone, but she persevered and managed to gain even more fans.

Her single later turned into a full mini album, created with the support of her producer and members of Wonder Girls. She had conquered her past fears, her trauma from moving too fast into the States and worked her off to promote herself. And after all of that hard work, she had even won #1 on a music show. She remembers crying when she got backstage, being so relieved that everything paid off, that she was going somewhere.

And funnily enough, a certain girl group had made their comeback after the release of Full Moon.

She was cautious and very scared of bumping into the girls. She had no idea what they thought of her, how much they knew exactly about the situation between her and Taeyeon. But unfortunately, she had to bump into one them eventually. Nine was way too many, and it didn't help that their presence was so grand.

“Sunmi-yah!” Seohyun calls out to her, her eyes bright and her arms waving around with pure excitement.

“Oh, Seohyun unnie,” Sunmi greets with a polite bow, feeling awkwardness engulf her entire body. She grows stiff, but manages a smile anyway. “Congrats on your comeback.”

“And congratulations on your comeback as well! We all love your mini album,” Seohyun sounds so earnest and Sunmi has to try so hard not to cry in appreciation. “And by all of us, I really mean all of us.”

Sunmi’s eyes widen at the realization, “Is she…?”                               

“Taeyeon unnie is sleeping right now,” she laughs to herself, but Sunmi can see the concern in her eyes, “She hasn’t been feeling too great lately, but I promise you, she hasn’t forgotten about you.”

And that’s when Seohyun grabs Sunmi’s hand and squeezes it lightly, “Why don’t you come to our dressing room? The girls would love to see you and Taeyeon unnie-“

Sunmi lets go of Seohyun’s hand and shakes her head, fighting off tears, “I’m sorry, I can’t, I-I gotta go. Thank you so much. But I’ll see you later.”

Seohyun’s calling out her name again but Sunmi just ignores her, running off back to her dressing room where it’s safe.

Safe. She was being a coward again.

And soon enough, her promotions were over with and she never received that chance again. She never bumped into another SNSD member and never got that second chance to see Taeyeon.

And she regretted it, she regretted it so much.

So once again, she drowned herself in her personal training, in developing herself, in becoming the Sunmi that she knew would be good enough for Taeyeon, the Sunmi that she could be proud of, the Sunmi that she wouldn’t want to hide. She started learning the bass, preparing for the long awaited comeback of the group she once abandoned. And she relished in preparations, adoring the feeling of working in a group again. And this time she contributed even more, writing and composing songs for the album as well.

It was like a new start, a fresh start, and Sunmi held on tightly to that idea.

And if it was meant to be, if it was truly written in the stars, she'd get to use that fresh start, she'd get to grab a tight hold of that second chance.