A/N: Here we go. 

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But suddenly she’s going to America. They’re in a rush to go there and a sleepy Taeyeon manages to make it to the airport just in time. She snuck out and it means the world to Sunmi. They kiss and Sunmi wants to hold onto her forever. Unfortunately, they have a plane to catch and Sunmi is still holding onto Taeyeon’s hand so tightly. Sunye has this extremely apologetic look on her face as she grabs Sunmi’s other hand and beckons her over. Taeyeon kisses her hand and says her final goodbye, both girls trying so hard not to cry.

Being in America is definitely a new adventure. It’s a mission, an extravagant endeavour and honestly, it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever done.

Sunmi and her group mates are overwhelmed by nothing and everything all at once. They don’t know anyone there except for each other and their managers and right now they need to work on their English and perfecting themselves. This was a completely different audience far, far away from home.

At first Sunmi is determined, fueled by the desire to do so well in this new environment, to make the sacrifice of leaving her home behind worth it. And whenever she’s tired, her friends and group mates do their best to cheer her up, to cheer her on and she wants to do the same thing for them as well.

But being in the States truly was out of their league and Sunmi wonders if maybe they made the jump too quick. She trusted in her manager, in JYP and with the rest of her members figured that with all their collective effort, they really could make it big.

It’s months in and they’ve received the opportunity to tour with the Jonas Brothers. It’s a huge deal and they’re ecstatic, being the opening act for such a popular group in North America. They will surely get more popularity this way, they will surely have their music reach out to much more people.

However, the climb is slow and it’s painful, the effort and energy needed tugging generously at Sunmi’s bones, her muscles, her entire being. And despite being surrounded by such a supportive and strong family that made up of her members, it didn’t stop the aching hole within her from growing bigger and bigger.

It’s 3AM and she’s lying in bed with Yubin sleeping soundly next to her. She’s sniffling and trying her best to not wail this time, because there are only so many times when she can wake up her unnie and make the excuse that she just had a nightmare before things get suspicious.

She picks up her cell phone to see if she’s had any replies from her girlfriend. Despite the distance and the fact that they haven’t seen each other in what seems like ages, Sunmi is relieved and more than happy that Taeyeon hasn’t broken things off. She’s busy with her own activities in Korea and the time difference makes it even harder to maintain a conversation, but things are working out, somehow.

Taeyeon: Are you sleeping yet?

Sunmi: I’m sorry, I’m still awake.

Sometimes Sunmi would lie and just not reply so Taeyeon wouldn’t have to worry about her. But tonight was different, she felt extra needy and the weight on her chest felt heavier. It’s also been a few days since they’ve been responding at the same time and Sunmi wanted to take advantage of that.

Taeyeon: …Can you get on your laptop?

At the request, Sunmi sits up immediately before trying her best to quietly get off the bed so she wouldn’t disturb her unnie. It’s not too difficult because today they’ve had an especially exhausting schedule and she’s absolutely certain that Yubin and the rest of her members are out cold.

Once out of her room she looks desperately for her laptop. She remembers then that Sunye had borrowed it last and looks for her bag so she can pull it out.

The connection at their dorm was usually good enough, but tonight it felt like it was taking forever to connect to the online messaging system. As it loads, she checks the webcam to see if it’s still working. And that’s when she sees her own self looking back at her and she holds back the urge to scream.

She looks absolutely haggard. Her makeup wasn’t properly removed and some of it had run down her face from her previous crying session. Her hair was also all over the place. That’s what you get for wearing a wig for extended periods of time and for tossing and turning in bed for so long.

She wonders if she has time to wash her face and fix her hair and almost gets up from her spot on the couch when she hears that familiar beeping sound.

Taeyeon’s calling her.

It’s been five months since she’s seen the older girl’s face and even though the quality of the webcam wasn’t exactly the clearest, Sunmi can feel herself crying again at the pixelated image of her girlfriend.

“Hey you,” Taeyeon calls out with a slight smile and an awkward wave of her hand. Taeyeon had told her that she only installed the program for her sake and has never actually tried webcamming with anyone in her life. Sunmi can tell she’s new to it because she keeps touching the lens and pointing it in all sorts of directions.

“H-Hi,” Sunmi squeaks back, surprised by the hoarseness of her own voice.

That’s when Taeyeon frowns and Sunmi can so clearly see the concern wash over her eyes.

“As much as I want to hear you voice, if it’s too hard then you don’t have to speak,” she smiles softly afterwards before tilting her head. “You look exhausted.”

The tears are coming faster and stronger this time and Sunmi has to try so hard to form words.

“I-I miss you s-so much,” Sunmi manages to choke out, her hands furiously wiping away tears. She was hoping she could be a little stronger for Taeyeon, a little cheerier. But it’s impossible at this point. All of her strength is gone and she feels pathetic for it.

“I miss you too, Sunmi-yah,” Taeyeon responds softly, her eyes glazing over. She’s fighting her own tears, but she needs to be strong for Sunmi, for the both of them. “I know it’s difficult and I wish I could do more for you.”

Sunmi has to type the next part out, but she’s shaking her head.

You’re doing more than enough. Thanks for not leaving me.

Taeyeon lets out a small laugh and Sunmi finds herself smiling through her tears. How she misses that laugh and how much she wishes to make her laugh more, but she’s useless right now. She’s a useless bundle of emotions right now.

I want to be in your arms right now.

Sunmi wonders if it’s the tiredness or just the plain fact that she misses Taeyeon that much, but she feels bolder tonight. And she waits patiently for Taeyeon’s reaction and she’s biting her bottom lip, anticipating and feeling her tears stop for a moment.

“I really want to hold you,” Taeyeon lets out a sigh before stretching out her arms and making a hugging gesture. “And I’m sorry I can’t do that physically, but do you think you can accept something else of mine?”

Sunmi tilts her head before nodding slowly, curious as to what Taeyeon had in mind.

“Just give me a moment,” and before she knows it, Taeyeon’s scurried off.

In the meantime, Sunmi gets up to look for tissues. She has to stop, she has to pull herself together because she has no idea when’s the next time she’s be able to see Taeyeon like this, to talk to her like this. So she rushes to the kitchen sink and quickly rinses her face. She pulls out a cup as well and fills it with water. The second the cool liquid hits the back of she feels some relief and she takes a deep breath.

By the time she’s back at her laptop, Taeyeon’s back as well and she’s holding a guitar. Sunmi’s eyes widen in surprise, was Taeyeon going to serenade her?

“There you are!” she exclaims happily, a wide smile forming on her face, “I wanted to keep this as a surprise, but I felt right now would be an appropriate time to tell you that I’m learning the guitar.”

Sunmi swallows hard and hesitates for a moment, but she manages to find her voice.

“Why?” she asks simply, looking on with curious eyes.

“It’s for an upcoming musical,” Taeyeon says as she finishes tuning her guitar, “I’m not good at it at all yet so you’ll have to bear with me.”

Sunmi shakes her head, “Impossible. You’re Kim Taeyeon and you’re good at everything.” She’s speaking properly and Taeyeon is relieved, despite her voice being so low. It’s something and the most important part was that she wasn’t crying anymore.

Taeyeon bursts into laughter, her head falling back as she claps her hands together. “You’re really funny, you know that?”

Sunmi pouts at that before shaking her head, “I’m not joking.”

Instead of responding, Taeyeon is doing that thing again where she’s just staring at Sunmi. Her eyes look so clear despite the bags under them, showing Sunmi that Taeyeon was also insanely busy with her schedule. And she knows that Taeyeon has issues sleeping too, and she knows that Taeyeon wasn’t exactly the strongest. And that’s when she feels the urge to cry again because she knows that Taeyeon is trying so hard for her.

“I’m going to begin now,” Taeyeon’s voice breaks Sunmi out of her trance.

Taeyeon’s fingers look awkward on her guitar and she’s clumsy as she strums, but a beautiful melody is coming out and Sunmi has to cover to prevent herself from reacting too strongly at the lyrics.

Can it be compared with anything else?
Can it be exchanged with anything else?
Your love
Your heart
...Who can replace you?

Sunmi’s crying again and soon enough, she can see that Taeyeon’s crying too. Her guitar playing is sloppy, but the voice that resonates from is unmistakably beautiful. Sunmi has to try her best to stop sniffling because she wants to hear her girlfriend’s voice, her girlfriend’s serenade for her.

You're my everything to me
You're my everything to me
Please shine like a star in the sky
Please shine like a star in the sky
You are my only love
Forever my only love
We love each other
All I need is you

Taeyeon stops at that moment and puts down her guitar. She’s looking away now as she wipes her own tears, a goofy grin on her face.

“Sorry, I wasn’t supposed to cry,” she laughs, rubbing the back of her neck.

Sunmi can see the blush clear on her cheeks and every fibre of her being wants so badly to kiss the woman on the other side, to grab her, hold onto her tight and never let go.

“I love you,” Sunmi can’t help but mumble. She wonders if she should say it louder, but she’s feeling shy and it’s the first time she’s said it out loud.

And when Taeyeon doesn’t respond she begins to panic a little. Was it uncalled for? Was it too forward? But after a song like that, after all this time…

“I love you too,” Taeyeon responds almost as softly, “So come back to Korea soon, okay?”

The two manage to talk for a little while longer before Taeyeon gets pulled out of her room by Seohyun. Unfortunately they had a schedule to attend and Taeyeon was already late getting ready for it.

Sunmi feels sad again that she has to say goodbye, but she’s happy that they had the chance at all. And for the first time in a very long while, when her back hits her soft mattress in her shared room with Yubin, she’s able to instantly fall asleep.

The next day’s the same as the rest, but Sunmi has a bit more energy this time. She’s pushing herself harder, knowing that with each passing schedule, each performance, she was one step closer to seeing Taeyeon again.

But her increased motivation can only last so long and suddenly a week passes by and she feels like giving up again. She feels like she’s wasting away into nothing, like everything hurts and that no matter how much support she’s getting, she doesn’t feel like she’s up for this anymore, like it’s worth it anymore.

“Unnie, I’m so tired,” she says one day with a slight chuckle while lounging around on her bed. She’s not sure why she finds it funny exactly, maybe she’s going crazy, maybe that’s just her being defensive, being scared, trying to prevent herself from completely breaking down in front of Yubin. But then is moving faster than her brain.

“I should just stop now,” she mumbles, not daring to look Yubin in the face.

But the older girl just laughs, and that’s when Sunmi realizes how good she was at hiding how tired she truly was about everything. About the endless performances, about the continuing struggle with English, about the fact that she can’t go to sleep without crying, about how she couldn’t see her family, her Taeyeon, her everything.

“Okay then, just quit,” the older girl says as she turns over in their bed, poking Sunmi’s side playfully. “Just quit then.”

And it was an endless debate, an endless battle with herself as the days went by. She was getting sick, so sick that she wondered how she hasn’t passed out during their performances. And she felt trapped, so trapped because she couldn’t talk about this with anyone. Not her unnies, not her best friend, not even Taeyeon.

What would Taeyeon think of her if she quit?

She’s in a daze when she finally calls her manager. She’s home alone, the other girls gone out shopping because it’s their day off. Sunmi claims to be sick, and they don’t doubt her, knowing that something must have been off with her. It’s hard to miss the bags under her eyes and they’ve tried to talk it out. Because it’s been hard on all of them, but Sunye insists that they can pull through together, no matter what.

And that’s why Sunmi feels like such a traitor, such a coward, such a mess when she tells her manager that she wants to stop. She wants to end all this, she wants to go home.

The living room is completely silent when the news is announced to their group. Sunmi doesn’t have the courage to look up at her group mates, already having imagined in her head their reactions.

“Are you sure about this?” Sunye asks, standing before Sunmi. And she’s not sure if she’s mad, or if she’s disappointed or just plain upset.

“We can just take a break, maybe?” Yeeun insists, tears already in her eyes as she rubs Sunmi’s arm.

Yubin is silent as she looks over at Sohee who also has nothing to say. How could they have let things come this far? Why couldn’t they have done more?

“I want to go home,” Sunmi’s voice is firm and it isn’t until she sees the white of her knuckles that she realizes how tightly she’d been holding onto to the arm rest of her chair.

And she gets the okay from JYP, having permission to go home after finishing the remaining promotions for the month. She pushes herself to finish off these last performances with a bang. Despite their initial shock, her members are sensitive to her in the end, supporting her decision and saying how much they’ll miss her.

“I wish you talked to me more,” Sohee says one night as the two maknaes are the only ones left in the dorm.

“I didn’t want to burden you,” Sunmi responds honestly, her head resting in her best friend’s lap. “I know this has been hard on you too, it’s been hard for everyone.”

Sohee just sighs, knowing that there’s no way they can turn back now. Sunmi had made her decision and she was to respect it, no matter how much she was going to miss her.

“Don’t give the new girl a hard time,” Sunmi chuckles, knowing that Sohee can be scary at times. “I heard she’s gonna be the new maknae, so you have to take care of her.”

Taeyeon had tried to get Sunmi to stay with the Wonder Girls. She tried to give her pep talks, remind her of the rewards after all the hard work, but they didn’t work. It didn’t help that Sunmi hadn’t given her the full extent of how much she’d been suffering exactly.

And this lead to arguments, to misunderstandings and Sunmi hated even more how difficult it was to communicate through text. Distance was really beginning to betray her. They hadn’t had another opportunity to call each other, to see each other over webcam, or much of anything. And because of the overwhelming process of this decision, because of her endless mind loops and hurdles of trying to decide what’s best for her, she had barely talked to Taeyeon at all, to anyone, really.

And Sunmi made it worse when she didn’t tell Taeyeon that she was officially leaving. She cringed when she got the text from Taeyeon, asking for an explanation with a link to news of her quitting. She explained herself simply, saying she was tired.

Taeyeon: I know I was pushy before, but you know I’d support you no matter what, right?

And that’s when Sunmi tells herself that this is it, it’s over. She’s hit her lowest point. She didn’t deserve anything at the moment. She didn’t deserve the love of her members, didn’t deserve the loyalty of her fans, and she definitely didn’t deserve Taeyeon anymore. She had given up completely, her body, her mind, her soul, they had all vanished.

She only responds one more time to Taeyeon before stopping completely. Once again it’s a difficult decision, but she feels like it’s the right thing to do. Taeyeon didn’t need to be worrying about her, not when she knew how much she was going through. Sunmi didn’t deserve anyone worrying about her, knowing full well how much her group mates had been suffering as well. She felt it, deep down inside that she was being selfish. But she really, truly couldn’t take it anymore. She needed a break, an escape, from everything.

I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.