Suffocating, drained of the faintest will to live life to the fullest.

He'd been at it since longer than he could recall.

And he didn't give a damn!

There wasn't any point trying to make pretense,when all he cared( if he could even call it as such anymore) was to drown the very last piece of her in scorching down the throat buckets of alcohol.

He never learned.The more he drank, the  more accurate her image hit him, burning his senses to the point he thrived in recalling every single detail of her messing his life and actually loving it.

He loved how she had destroyed him;she didn't even have the decency to feign innocent!

Another shot of ungodly burning beverage went down in one gulp.It didn't make a difference anymore.

"You sure you want this for the rest of the night?"He didn't need the pep talk, not from him and most definitely not now.

Pouring another shot ,Sunggyu cheered in the air at his friend's dark gaze, consciously avoiding his stare.The ever joyful,goof joker was nowhere to be seen and a gloomy Dongwoo was scarier then you could've thought.But that wasn't one that he couldn't handle,for they'd been in this position before;granted, at that time Sunggyu had played on the other team and Dongwoo managed the whole thing way better than his sorry .

"Gyu, let it slide at least for tonight,huh?"the other one grabbed his wrist,forcing him to put down the glass."You haven't had anything to eat, this'll only end in paying the hospital a visit."

Right, his new favourite work out,Sunggyu recalled.Drinking himself to oblivion,passing out briefly,waking to ousting his insides wherever and fainting all in a matter of a couple of hours in which friends would go out of their selves to stand beside him and waiting for the day when the doctors would just shake their heads and say 'they did the best,but....'

Sunggyu could almost imagine how devastated they'd look and he'd be sorry, maybe for a split second(if he was honest with himself),but not more.

He wished it could be that easy and maybe one day it would.

But, just like the time when he let go of her, at the end of the day he was still a coward.He didn't have it in him to fight for her,just like he didn't have it to take matters in his own hands and end his miserable life.

Instead he let others worry for him.

He became a bother,the last thing he'd ever wanted or expected of himself.

He was weak!

She'd been his rock,as insane as  it might sound.

He knew now he found his strengh around her,a pillar that he took for granted and gave up without remorse,because he actually dared to believe it had been enough to copy her crazy ways.

"Just one more, Dongwoo...for the road."Sunggyu threaded his fingers in the disheveled bangs that kept flopping in his eyes when he didn't stand properly on the high stool of the bar.

"All roads are closed."

Without warning,his friend pulled on his drunken state,playing tough in hopes of getting some sense into his foggy head.The night air was far from helping either of them,soon enough bringing Sunggyu to his well known corner where he threw up the sorry excuse of numbing choice.It wasn't near as threatening as to need checking into hospital,but serious enough to make a crying mess out of him.

"! It's so damn....real.It's real, Dongwoo."he cried his lungs out,holding onto the latter's jacket."Why can't it be a dream?A nightmare?!"He punched the dirty wall,scrapping his knuckles.

No one could answer,how could anybody fight the evident harsh truth?

Sunggyu knew better than any of them that he asked the most nonsensical thing,but just for a bit he wished for it to have been just a figment of his imagination.

"I hate her for understanding the reasoning behind my choice."Sunggyu let himself fall to the ground,leaning his head on the concrete wall.

"You only hate yourself.Your choice."Dongwoo pushed a freshly lit cigarette at him."Just haven't learned how to live with it,yet."

"I guess it's pointless hoping it would ever happen;I've made my bed,so..."

"The sheets aren't of your choice, though."Dongwoo lit himself a cigarette,taking a long drag.

"It doesn't change the outcome.And it's too ed up of a matter to talk about it in riddles when my drunk brain barely keeps my wits up."Sunggyu snorted,trying to get up.

"Actually, the only good thing about this ty matter is that we can finally have an honest talk for once."Dongwoo helped him straightening his feet.

"Takes one nutcase to know one."Sunggyu brought an arm around the other's shoulders, a sad smile on his chopped lips.

The ride was silent, like each one under Dongwoo's driving.Nothing registered on his mind and he didn't bother to feign interest in the least.For the next hours he'd be void of his surroundings,hopefully her included.

Sunggyu didn't need anything reminding him of times spent in her company;they were too well imprinted in his skin,but the hangover muted the intensity with which they invaded his memory.It was a double edge sword.

He'd better face the truth:drinking didn't make him forget.If anything,he recalled better than he wished.That's what he hated:he couldn't let go.

Wouldn't!

Who was he kidding?!

Even his friends saw through his game.

He might've chosen to let go of the one thing that made him a better person,but was still pondering on ways to go back on his actions.

If only she wasn't that far and hard too reach.

If only she hadn't said she 'understands'.

If only.....