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I won’t shed a single tear…

 

Those were something I repeatedly told myself… over and over again… on the loop… like a broken recorder.

 

I wanted to carve those words on my heart like a tattoo so that I’d gained the strength to move on with my life.

 

I shouldn’t wallow myself in sorrow anymore. I shouldn’t let this matter get the best of me. I shouldn’t let my heart be broken ever again.

 

I was the one who made the decision to break up with him. So, I had to live up to that fact. I must force myself to accept the consequences of my action.

 

I mustn’t falter, I mustn’t break, I mustn’t waver.

 

Breaking up was the best choice. For him… and for me…

 

My fake scandal with Baekhyun was blown out of proportion. Fans were hating me, left and right. I was deemed the nation’s , the female’s greatest enemy, and the sly fox that seduced their so-called ‘oppa’ on daily basis. I even got death threats almost every single day on my Instagram’s comments. Not to forget, a lot of them were also harassing my family.

 

The whole Sicagate on 9/30 didn’t make things any better for me. I was regarded as the main mastermind behind it. They called me a backstabber, someone who was jealous enough of her own member until she had the courage to persuade SM to kick one of the most popular members of my group. I wanted to burst out laughing when some of them even spread out rumors that I was powerful enough to kick out my own member. But some took the bluff seriously, and my antis grew tremendously after that entire fiasco.

 

I was at the lowest point in my life, at the bottomless pit of hell and I didn’t want to drag Jiyong down with me.

 

I wanted him to shine brightly, untouched by any kind of scandal.

 

Kwon Jiyong was my pride and honor.

 

It wasn’t like I wanted to act like a knight in a shining armor, protecting my prince from danger. I just didn’t want him to get involved. He had already a lot of matters to deal with on his plate and I didn’t want to add up his burden.

 

As much as I’d loved him as my boyfriend, he was also a precious existence in my life to begin with. I’d take a bullet for him if I have to. I’d swear on my life that I’d protect him in every way possible, Kim Taengoo’s style, even if at the end of the day, I was the one who can’t let him go, engulfed with regret.

 

Tiffany practically launched a ‘cold war’ against me when I told her about my break up news. Sunny took side with Tiffany and they were both ignoring me till now.  

 

I didn’t blame them. How could I?

 

I understood crystal clearly why they were furious. They were rooting for Jiyong since day 1 he announced to SNSD members that he wanted to pursue me in 2013. They were so sure that he was my light who’d bring back my smile, who’d turned a gloomy, introvert chick like me into my pre-2013 dorky self.

 

During IGAB promotion, I was drowning deep in my depression. I didn’t go out from my room; I didn’t mingle with anyone else aside from SNSD members and Heechul oppa. I even paid no heed to my close adorable dongsaengs such as Minho, Sulli and Amber.

 

My world only revolved around my family, SNSD and Heechul oppa.

 

But thanks to the ‘oh-so-great’ Choi Sooyoung, who eagerly wanted me to crawl my way out from my depression and the ever so motherly, Seo Joohyun, they made a plan to find me a friend outside of SM who I can socialize with without feeling even a tiny bit of awkwardness or even uneasy.

 

And unexpectedly, they found Jiyong.

 

Big Bang’s leader and nation’s most controversial idol, G-Dragon.

 

I didn’t know who first came out with the bizarre, nonsensical idea of Jiyong and I going on a blind date together, but my gut strongly pointed out to Sooyoung. She befriended Seungri quiet some time ago, and she also took part in setting up Taeyang and Yuri together for a blind date.

 

Seohyun who was at that time being pursued actively by Seungri joined the bandwagon to set us up together. Before she and Sooyoung sold me the idea of having a blind date with Jiyong, she convinced me that Jiyong was my polar opposite, someone whom I’d be fond to be with.

 

If I were an introvert, Jiyong would be the extrovert who’d pestered me day and night just to have me get out of my cocoon.

 

If I were the good girl, Jiyong would be the bad boy who’d bring me enough problems to cause me headache.

 

If I were the 2^nd ice princess of SNSD, Jiyong would be the fire bender that who’d melt my cold exterior and made me felt the warmth of a person again.

 

But no matter how different we both were, we complemented each other; we were like each other’s final missing piece of a puzzle. And it was hers and Sooyoung’s job plus the enthusiastic Seungri to make us realize that.

 

It was funny when I gave this matter some thought. Jiyong’s and my crowd of friends always assumed that our cupid would either be the socializing queen, Tiffany Hwang or the clubbing socialite, Kim Hyoyeon. Sooyoung’s or Seohyun’s name were never ever mention at all but when the truth was revealed, everyone practically dropped their jaw widely.

 

Choi Sooyoung and Seo Joohyun  (plus Seungri) were the ones who brought Jiyong into my life.

 

And in all honesty, I was gratified.

 

No matter how dysfunctional our relationship was… no matter how illogical or childish our arguments at times…  I was contended.

 

Because loving Kwon Jiyong…was the most exquisite form of self-destruction…

 

Sitting alone in my room, having the enormous dorm all to myself, I had my phone in my hand, filling up my empty heart as I looked at his pictures. I’d come to love the smile on his face, I’d come to love how happy I was when I was with him, how my face lighted up with happiness.

 

I knew I was stupid for reminiscing my memories of him instead of trying to forget, but I just wanted to find hope again.

 

I wondered how long must I only look at him like this before I finally erase him in my life? My heart was screaming inside out that I didn’t want to let him go, I shouldn’t ever let him go...that I should go back to that day of the break up and undo what I did.

 

But no time machine could ever bring us back.

 

The fault was all mine and mine alone and all that was left between Jiyong and I were these beautiful memories.

 

“Yah..Kwon Jiyong. Did you steal my vanilla ice cream in the fridge again?” I jumped on the sofa and choked his neck with my hands. “You better confess, you demonic ice cream thief!”

 

Jiyong struggled as he tried to free himself from me. But I guessed a guy would always be stronger than a girl. He managed to free himself and pushed me down on the sofa, his arms both trapping me.

 

“What if I did?” He smirked playfully.

 

My dorm was vacant again today. Tiffany went to the spa with Yuri while Sunny had been going out to a secret date with a mysterious guy who I presumed would be Song Joongki.. And I was left alone with the big bad dragon, Kwon Jiyong, without my loyal, beautiful protectors. Boohoo!

 

“Meanie! You know I was saving it for dessert!” I sulked as I punched continuously on his chest.

 

He grabbed my hands and I could feel electricity coursing through my body. Recently being with him seemed to be unpleasant for my heart.

 

“Taeyeon-ah…” yes… he was really a bad news. His voice calling my name sweetly like that just made my heart skipped a beat. Damn you, G freaking dragon!

 

“Err…before you say anything else, how about we change our position? It’s..urm… kinda uncomfortable.” I tried to reason with him when I felt how close our proximity was. I could literally feel his breath on my face. Geez! He smelled nice though.

 

Again, I saw that devilish smirk played on his lips. Oh, boy…”If I don’t want to…”

 

Ommona! Ppany-ah…This playboy wanna play with my heart. Help me!

 

Sunny-ah…your Dandyu counterpart was on the verge of melting here. Save me!

 

“Then don’t blame me if you suffer any casualty today.” Wicked grin. If he wanted to play dirty, I, Kim Taeyeon was up for it.

 

But Jiyong didn’t move despite my threat. Instead, he leaned down and pulled me into his embrace.

 

“I like you.”

 

I wondered how I reacted when I heard those words. Perhaps I was dumbfounded, perhaps I was thrown into a blank state or perhaps I became motionless.

 

“I like you.”

 

Again, those three words were repeated and I finally found myself ready to give a response. Kwon Jiyong must be playing around with me. He couldn’t be serious, couldn’t he?

 

“Yah… Kwon Jiyong… are you crazy? Is there any hidden camera anywhere?” I pushed him by the shoulders and I met his eyes. His brown eyes were giving me the vibe of seriousness, something extraordinary than the usual.

 

He put a hand on my cheek. “In all seriousness… I like you, Kim Taeyeon…More than a friend.”

 

I bit my lower lip. “Of course you do. You said I’m like your little sister.”

 

He let out a sigh. “Not like a sister. Not as a friend. I love you like how a man loves a woman.”

 

I could hear my heartbeat fasten. Everything just suddenly met its stalemate.

 

I appreciated Jiyong as my dearest friend. I cherished the time when we were being each other’s companions. I valued our friendship more than anything.

 

But if we were going to date, for how long can we be together?

 

One day we might break up.

 

So, how will it be after that?

 

Things would be awkward between us and we wouldn’t be able to talk and spend time together again.

 

I didn’t want that.

 

“I’d tell you over and over again. I love you, Kim Taeyeon.”

 

I had to admit those three words would swept any women from their feet. Even I felt like I was floating midair because of him.

 

But I was scared to take our relationship any further than this.

 

Because I love him. Because I too love Kwon Jiyong.

 

That was why I became scared.

 

“I’m sorry. I want us to stay as friend.”

 

I didn’t want to lose him.

 

“Why? Don’t you feel the same way as I did?” Jiyong finally sat on the sofa, while I stayed fixated, lying on it.

 

I noticed that he was disappointed but I decided to reject his confession. I must be the only girl who’d dare to turn down the famous G-Dragon. Tiffany and Sunny would kill me after this.

 

“That is…” I paused momentarily, trying to find the best way to explain it to him.

 

Jiyong was…easy to talk to. He was always there for me no matter what kind of situation I’ve stumbled myself into. He’d always be there.

 

He was a special entity to me.

 

I wanted us to always be together. That was why; it was best to simply stay like this.  Even if I felt the same way as him, there was no way I could say I wanted to reject him.

 

Maybe Jiyong saw how I was out of word. “I understand.  I really love you, Taeyeon but I don’t want to push it. Just as you wish, let’s just stay like this.”

 

Why? Why?

 

This was what I wanted, but my chest hurt.

 

 

*

 

Since Jiyong’s sudden confession, we didn’t contact each other. I was busy preparing for my promotion with SM The Ballad and Jiyong… he kinda disappeared from my life.

 

Truth was… I never had any interest in joining SM The Ballad. Yes, I did like promoting, singing was my passion, but having a duet especially with a guy just wasn’t my forte. Though Jonghyun was being professional by saying he was fine when I told him that I might never had any eye contact with him on stage when we were singing, I still felt bad.

 

Tiffany said I was taking the job to make myself busy, so that I could escape from thinking about Jiyong. She was definitely on point but at times I did thought about him.

 

Somehow, between Jiyong and I…it felt like as if a line was drawn. Even if we didn’t get to meet, I can get used to it gradually. It would be good if I can though.

 

Seriously, I was an idiot.

 

“Changmin oppa… is it true GD oppa is dating the Japanese model, Mizuhara Kiko?”

 

From the other side of the recording studio, I could hear Krystal talking to Changmin. They both were participating in SM The Ballad too, singing ‘Breath’ in Japanese version.

 

“Yah, Jung Soojung! Since when you became a busybody?” Changmin flicked Krystal on the forehead. The younger girl grumbled with pain.

 

“Lately, I heard GD oppa has been declining girls when they try inviting him. It became a huge topic when I went for a photo-shoot last time. So, I guess he might be dating someone at this moment to turn down all the pretty chicks.”

 

Ah….what should I do? I wanted to see Jiyong right now…

 

I didn’t want to listen to their conversation. They were giving me a very bad aftertaste. So, I grabbed my phone, went out from the recording studio and decided to send Jiyong a text.

 

-Ji…what are you doing right now?

 

I was being a really, really bad girl. I wanted for us to stay as friends but at the same time, I didn’t want Jiyong to go out with other girls. I didn’t want to see that!

 

Goodness, gracious, Kim Taeyeon! What do you really what?!

 

I can’t understand the meaning of these confusing feelings. It was not like I’ve never fall in love before. I did… but with Jiyong, he managed to draw out a lot of unidentified feelings, and always those feelings were out of the norm.

 

I waited and waited for his reply. But unfortunately there was none. Even after my recording had come to an end, the reply that I passionately wished for was still to no avail.

 

What else should I expect? I was the one who asked Jiyong for us to stay as friend. He was doing this for my sake.

 

I heaved a sigh of disappointment. I chose to head back to my dorm and slept all night long. When I went to the parking lot, just the sight of him sitting beside his Bentley made my heart fluttered.

 

“Did you miss me?”

 

“Jiyong! Why…why are you here?”

 

“Your text…” he approached me… “It seemed like you wanted to meet.”

 

Ommona…Jiyong…he noticed…

 

“Lately, we haven’t talked and I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

 

“Ah… I’m working on a new song.”

 

“Huh…is it for a comeback?”

 

“It’s a secret.”

 

“Then, you’re my rival!”

 

“You could put it that way.” Charming grin…

 

Dear god…how I missed that grin. “Then, I’ll go to YG and check the song out. Teddy oppa definitely wouldn’t mind. Even Yang Hyunsuk-nim would be delighted if I ever visit YGE.”

 

Jiyong pulled a smile on his lips. “It’s still haven’t finished. So, you must not go there yet.”

 

“Eh…it’s that so…”

 

We fell into a deep silent after that. Both of us seemed to be unable to talk at that moment.

 

What was this? Were we just going to stay mum and say nothing at all?

 

I didn’t like the atmosphere between us. So, I wanted to walk away from him and went to my car but Jiyong was fast enough to pull me by the arm.

 

Our eyes met one another and I swore I was lost deep inside his brown eyes.

 

“Say it…” Jiyong finally broke the silence. “You wanted to say something, right? I’ll listen… So, tell me everything.”

 

No matter how confusing it was…if it was Jiyong… I knew he would listen.

 

“I love you.”

 

Those words suddenly slide out of my mouth easily, just like that.

 

“But…if we break up, we can’t go back to being friends, right?” I looked down, avoiding his eyes and tried to gather my courage. “I’d hate not being able to talk to you. So, I don’t want to us to date.”

 

Like a child throwing a fit, I blurted out everything that I wanted to say. I confessed my feeling in an unfashionable and uncool manner.

 

“But I love you…”

 

Jiyong…he listened to me till the very end. When I felt tears running down my cheeks, when I heard the light sob that I gave out, I felt Jiyong’s kind hand on my head, caressing me lightly. I felt at ease somehow.

 

Going out was scary. Because if we end up breaking up, we won’t be able to return to being friends. And I didn’t want that.

 

“So, in short…you love me a lot, right?”

 

I could feel my cheeks burn in embarrassment. “Urm…. That is….” I fumbled with my words. “Yah! St…stop teasing me! I’m serious!!”

 

“I’m being serious too.” Jiyong said. “You love me and I’ve chosen to love you as well.” He linked his arms around my neck. “So, it’s mutual. I know I can’t promise that I’d love you forever. But I do now. So, let’s give us a shot, okay? They say to “take chances” and I’m willing to take one on you…” He leaned down and met my forehead with his. “So, won’t you take one on me?”

 

 “Jiyong-ah…”

 

“Let’s forget about everything. Let’s maintain this relationship… Together…”

 

Together…

 

That one word had a nice ring to it.

 

Jiyong finally pulled me into his embrace after I was still petrified like a doll. “Yah, Kim Taeyeon…If you won’t have any reaction, even I..the great G-dragon would be embarrassed.”

 

I finally snapped back into reality. “I’m sorry…I’ll give it my best…”

 

He chuckled upon hearing my answer and then he leaned forward and initiated a kiss….at first only a slight peck but as the time passed by, the kisses changed into more and more passionate ones until I felt I was lost in ecstasy.

 

“I'll give it my very best too.” He said after our kissing session ended with a smile on his face.

 

Kwon Jiyong… I guessed I really, really, love you.

 

“Ah…but I have a request.” I said.

 

“And what is that?”

 

“For worst or for better…just stay with me…forever.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

*

“For worst or for better…just stay with me…forever.”

 

I'd asked him to do that but I was the one who broke that request. And it felt so lonely without him as the clock began to tick slowly.

 

Of course, to my members I had only ever told them I was fine, I let them thought I was strong enough to face my break up with Jiyong.. but how would they knew the difference between me being honest to them or me being fake?

 

They wouldn’t know because I wouldn’t let them.

 

I just wished none of it ever happened. I wished I didn’t go on that blind date with Jiyong, I wished I didn’t confessed my feeling for him, I wished so badly that we didn’t date each other.

 

Because in the end, I was the one who ended up suffering.

 

Stupid me!

 

Suddenly, out of the blue, my phone rang. I almost jumped out of my bed when I saw the number.

 

“Hello…”