If it’s not too late… Can’t we get back together?

Darkness entrapped me until I believed that I wouldn’t see even a glimmer of light again. My whole world felt like it was collapsing, disintegrating into ashes, like my time suspended, a wound untended.

You and I… what happened to us?

I thought we were gonna last forever…

I thought we promised to stay together….

I thought we’d always had each other…

So why were we so further apart from one another?

Lying on my bed, my phone was off, thrown on the floor and most likely ruined, I found myself beyond saving.  Boozes and cigarette buds were literally everywhere, the TV was on but the volume was off, my stuff was thrown out of order, from my confusing and upset mood swings. My eyes were red from crying and the door was locked so no one can bother me.

Replaying the last conversation in my head, thinking of what to do but not sure, whatsoever… thinking so much that I was about to flip and screw a switch in my brain…. My hands were swollen from hitting things… thinking what if…

She never takes me back….

“Are we seriously going to screw our relationship just because of this insanely fatuous matter for the umpteenth time again?” Taeyeon erupted, her face was burning red, signifying that rage had completely consumed her.

I chose to turn my sight away from her. The night sky of Seoul was far more enchanting and soothing as of now. I couldn’t stand watching her exasperated self. I knew I’d react the same way as her if I was in her shoes, but can’t she at least try to see things from my perspectives?

She wouldn’t understand how I feel.

She wouldn’t understand why I was mad.

She wouldn’t understand the jealousy that was burning savagely inside my heart.

She wouldn’t understand how rumors of her and her so-called boy toy, the ekso kid, had almost caused me a psychotic break.

She wouldn’t understand how I was on the verge of kidnapping her and locking her somewhere faraway from the public and just be with her 24/7 for my whole lifetime?

Dear god….Kim Taeyeon just wouldn’t understand.

“Ji….” She softened her voice this time. I immediately realized that she wanted for us to stop fighting.

As usual, she was the one who would always be the first one to wave the white flag. And each and every single time it happened, she made me feel like I was the immature childish little brat whose favorite past time was throwing tantrum and she was the more mature and adult one, who will gladly be the selfless one and apologized rather than prolonging an argument.

“We can’t go on like this… These frequent, continuous fights… They’re unhealthy…  and they’re taking a toll on both of us.” She moved closer towards me, hugging me from behind. I could feel her warm tears on my back and it broke my heart to hear her sobs.

“Loving you, Kwon Jiyong…was the most exquisite form of self destruction…”

She paused for a while but I had a hunch that whatever she was going to say next would be an equivalent of shooting a bullet directly into my heart.

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to self-destruct and I don’t want to see you self-destruct too.”

Her arms tightened around my waist. Only god knows how much I wanted to loosen her arms, pulled her into my embrace and shut with my kisses before she told me that it was over between us.

But.. I couldn’t do any of those. I didn’t know why I couldn’t do them. It was like I didn’t have any control of my own body anymore. It was as if I’ve turned into a fool and blankly standing there. All I could make out was I was petrified and scared of the end that was approaching.

“Let’s break up.”

I was right. Those three words were my holocaust.

I could feel her distancing herself from me. I wanted to say something but my voice just got lost in the land of nowhere. I couldn’t find it no matter how hard I wanted to shout out the word ‘no’ directly to her face.

And Taeyeon… I believed she didn’t want to hear for my reply either because I was well aware that she desperately wanted to get away from me.

I concluded that it took her a hell lot of courage and strength to blurt out those words. I had to applaud mentally, thinking how pathetic I was if I were the one to say them. I would wail like a mad man and choke myself to death before I could say the things that she said.

Kim Taeyeon had always been the strong between us.

And I, Kwon Jiyong, had always been the loser.

“Don’t turn around… And please don’t say anything.” She swallowed hard and deep before she could continue.

“I know this is so selfish of me but it took me a lot of thinking and late night drunk sessions to realize that what we have is beautiful enough to make me drop everything…my family, SNSD, SONEs… and even fight my way out of SM and run away with you to a place, somewhere that only we know. But no matter how I desperately wanted to do that, I knew deep down, you couldn’t leave Big Bang and be with me.”

Why did you have to put it that way, Taeyeon? Didn’t you realize how spellbound I was of you that I wanted to do everything that you’ve blurted out just now in a heartbeat? Had my love for you wasn’t enough to make you realize that you’re my one and only bae bae?

“Music is your life and I don’t want to take that away from you. It’s just not fair.”

No… Taeyeon…

You were the one who was being unfair.

Music is my life but you’re my soul, my enthralling muse.

How could I ever live without my soul, the muse to my music?

“Jiyong…You were like a dream I wish I hadn’t slept through. Within that dream, I fell deeper and deeper…more than your heart would care to let you. I thought you were a keeper, and honestly I wish so freaking hard I could have kept you.” Her voice broke and I knew she was trying her hardest to stop her cry.

“So, why don’t you keep me? Why are you so adamant in letting me go, Taeyeon?” I didn’t know how my voice found its way back to me. But it did and I was glad.

“Do you even love me?” I asked. It was a question I had worn on my lips for days- like a loose thread on my favorite sweater I couldn’t resist pulling – despite knowing it could all unravel around me.

“How could I not love you, Kwon Jiyong? I’m doing this because I love you. I’m letting you go because this is what’s best for you. Even if I’m the one suffering. But I’ve no regret. This particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice. It’s in every considered step I’m taking in the opposite direction of you.”

“I don’t need that kind of sacrifice, Taeng. I only need you.” I said firmly as I turned to face her. Tears were running down her cheeks and I had the strongest urge to run straight towards her and wipe away those liquid.

But I knew it wasn’t the right move to do. She would run out of the door immediately and I sensed that I wouldn’t ever see her again after that.

Kim Taeyeon was that determined.

“Don’t make this any harder for both of us.”

“It’s because of that EXO’s kid, isn’t it?” I assumed.

“What rubbish are you spouting?!” Her voice raised a level. “You know damn well that he’s like a brother to me. That scandal between Baekhyun and me was all to save you and I from the public’s damnation. It was a cover up… which you agreed to it.”

“But you’re still being punished by the public. And I got away with nothing, unscratched, untethered.”

I was an idiot when I gave my go with that ludicrous charade.

It wasn’t like I didn’t want the world to know about us, I wholeheartedly wanted to announce the truth…but Taeyeon didn’t want me to be the victim of the netizens’ witch hunt again. Frankly, I was used being painted as the bad seed by the public but Taeyeon…she was selfless enough to shield me…

Like always.

But I wonder why SM and even Baekhyun ever agreed to that kind of charade?

“And I told you I didn’t mind because you’re all I care about.”

“If you really care, why do you want us to break up?”

I knew she cared but I didn’t want her to sacrifice anything more for me. Enough was enough.

“Because you’re hurting.”

“I’m what?”

“Mizuhara Kiko.” She said and I swore I could sense some bitterness when she said that name. “You still love her, don’t you?”

Mizuhara Kiko… my old flame… my venomous little lady.

“Ki…” I wanted to deny her, to give her a sense of clarity of my relationship with Kiko but Taeyeon was fast to interrupt.

She broke into tears again but I guessed she despised how weak she looked in front of me now. Taeyeon hated portraying herself as a fragile person. She took a deep breath, wiped away the tears and continued,

“Tiffany said I’m crazy for making the decision to break up with you and give you back to Kiko. Taeyang told me I’d ruin you if I do this. Yoona begged me to think this whole matter over and over again. Heechul oppa was speechless when I consulted him. But I’m inclined to this because I know… I realize… your happiness wasn’t with me.”

She took a step backward and waltzed straight towards the door.

“Your happiness is with Kiko.”

And she walked out and never returned.

She is leaving
And I can’t do anything
Love is leaving
Like a fool, I’m blankly standing here

I’m looking at her, getting farther away
She becomes a small dot and then disappears