A/N: Italics means thoughts in case you're wondering also I'll be adding pics at the start of each chapter just to set the mood. usually, when i'm writing  I look at pictures to inspire me to write and how to express the characers feels. Does anyone else do that?

Here I am standing once again. No, not once. More than once. But even if it was a hundred times, I still have the same aching feeling inside. I still have the same raw agony and pain I felt from the first day. They say time will heal but the scars reopen again as this day came.

Her death anniversary

Funny how anniversary mostly associates with happy moments but the death one carries so much more emotions.

Grief, guilt, despair, anxiety, loneliness, emptiness, nostalgia, anger..and so much more indescribable emotions are coursing through my blood.

I still remember the day when you came here lying underneath the grass giving life to these flowers. Your blood flows into these dark red petals and I remember the scent of roses mixed with the scent of blood as I hugged tightly the thorns as if I was hugging you tight only to bleed for you.

For love.

If only you didn't hop on that bus. If only your boss didn't call you to work on that day. If only you didn't sit on the window side at the back. If only we woke earlier so you didn't have to miss the first bus. Life is full of ifs and I am back imagining you coming home that day with a warm smile and not a cold face. Coming home with that pink apron you always wear and not a white dress. Coming home with food and not with roses. You were the colour of my life and now all I can see is black and white. Haha, I'm talking to myself again and your cold presence is the only thing talking back.

"Daddy I'm scared" a warm hand wrapped itself over mine stopping my thoughts running. I looked down to see my own reflection looking back at me mirroring my tears. 

"What are you afraid of?" I stuttered trying to keep myself together but I am not a strong man. 

"I...I" he sobbed loudly and I knelt down to wrap him in my arms. 

"Shhhh. It's okay" 

"No! It's not" his voice muffled from my chest. 

"I....I'm forgetting mummy" he cried harder. 

"What do you mean Ryu?" I rubbed his back with a concerned look. How can he?

"I forgot how she sounds like. I can't remember what her voice is like...all I know is from the pictures. I...I tried hard to remember. How can I forget?" he cried and my heart cried with him to.

 "Awwww Ryu" I hugged him tight.

I just want to see you one more time. Hear your voice once more. Touch you once more and tell you how much I love you that you can't leave me....leave us

"You were so young then but you still remember yes? You still have memories of her?" Ryu looked up and a small smile grew on his face. 

"I remember the lullabies she used to sing me to sleep" he said and I wiped his tears. 

"There you go" I soothed him. 

"I was five...I was not a baby then. It has only been three years dad but it felt like a long time ago. Where mum used to exist"

Exist

I hate hearing her in the past tense. You are very much alive just not in the same world. 

"My little mochi" I squeezed him tightly looking away from the cold stone. 

"I wish she was back" he said as he cries turned back to small sniffles. 

"Me too son". 

Ryu sat on the dirt staring at the stone. "Do you think if I would of kissed mummy that she would still be here?" I sadly glanced at him. 

"Son-" 

"No dad, it's my fault I didn't give her a kiss goodbye" he interrupted. I sighed heavily sitting next to him. 

"It's my fault too. I didn't reply back to her". 

Again we always taking the blame. I can't help it but he is just like a carbon copy of me. Carrying the blame to ourselves. He can't let go and so can't I. Sitting in the forest behind our house wallowing in the past. I remember that day when you joked about Ryu looking and acting like me when you breathed him life. We were both too similar that we both just can't  let you go...we can't move forward when there is no one to push us forward.

I only wish to hold you again so I can say those important words. That, will only able to make me let you go.

"Goodbye and I love you"

A/N : Sorry it sounded so rushed I'm at the airport bored af and decided to post this up before take off. If any error please let me know