thought i was over it, thought i was fine.

and yet, I'm not.

As if a bullet aimed directly at me that it triggered my mental state. I thought I'm going through healing process, but nope, instead, I've been avoiding it. 

Due to COVID-19 slowly decreasing in my country, people are going back to their own life. My siblings left for school and work every morning, my parents left for work, but not me, I stayed home for online classes since my university students are still not allowed to attend class as usual. I have this friend of mine, let's call her A. Who spread gossip of others that is not true at all, who forced me to do her part in a group assignments, who seems to always lie about stuff like 'i forgot my wallet' and took advantage on me and another friend of mine, let's call her B.

She did all of that. And yet, played victim. saying she did nothing wrong, and posted in her social media saying all of what we said is fake. We, in fact, kept quiet. despite her, treating us that way. we never, spread, stuff, about, her. Some might asked us "did you guys fight? Cause we've seen you guys going your separate ways." what did we respond? "well, just us doing our own stuff, that's all." 

Perhaps it was on that day where everything gone wrong. Where 'B' burst into tears when a few of our friends were there. She couldnt handle it and cried it out, and that's where we told our 'friends' about it, which now, both of us got no idea who reported it to 'A' and perhaps told a different story of it.

Congratulations to them, I now have trust issue. 

Not only that, It triggered my anxiety. The day she posted stuff like 'they're so stupid for believing what they said' and some hate stuff directing to us, it was the same day my family had a fight. On that day, I realized I in fact not in healing process, but in an ignoring process. I ignored my dear self that needed help. I ignored my mental health. 

I'm not fine. I'm not okay.

I was also in my worst state on that day. I literally lose control of myself.

once again, I'm back to square one.