how am i feeling today?
tired.

although i woke up around 11, i'm still tired. it was like im tired physically and mentally. can't there be a day where i can just rest and not think of anything? the moment I lay down, that's where i get anxious of the things that yet to be done. when i try to get it done, it was as if there's something in me that wouldnt let me. I could not think of any way to continue. i ended up only sitting infront of my laptop, not.doing.anything. just a few months ago i was fine with the course im taking rn, but all of sudden, i felt like "am i even at the right place". is it weird seeing me this way? I asked others but only in my mind. well, they tend to only see the cheerful me to the point of them making a mindset that 'i'll be fine for the rest of my life'. hello people, to be honest, i'm fighting with myself everyday. at night i just couldnt sleep unless i cry myself out. at night where my mind wanders off to somewhere deep inside and asking thousands of 'what if'. to deal with anxiety and depression at the same time, man, it's tiring. so stop with 'you still have a lot that need to be done' 'you better hurry up' 'did you know if you dont do it now, blah blah' just stop. i know, and im trying. 

if someone ever asked me what's my biggest challenge in 2019.

i'll answer them,
my biggest challenge in 2019 is myself.