INTJ-T
slytherin, 5w6, neutral evil, choleric, 583

TRAITS

POS　independent, responsible, visionary, intelligent, loyal, considerate.
NEU　assertive, serious, perfectionist.
NEG　pretentious, egoistic, ruthless, sarcastic, extremely stubborn.

ELABORATIONS

as every other person who has worked with him would describe, haedam is a man of many talents. not only he is extremely intelligent—being able to figure out patterns and theories in order to understand the logic behind something, he is also an efficient worker and leader. no one can spot strengths and weaknesses as well as he does, and he makes sure to make the puzzle pieces fit snugly. well, maybe, he does it too well. haedam isn't someone known for kindness and pleasantries, preferring to keep tall barriers around himself.

haedam totally has no problem yelling at others and pointing out their mistakes down to the miniscule details to assert dominance, he knows what he's doing and if others don't like it, so what? but seriously, this is the reason why so many trainees (especially those who came in 2017 or later) dislike him. they think haedam is only there to assert dominance as one of the most well-rounded trainees, but even haedam already took lots of calculation into his actions. he's never one to jump into conclusion or actions without prior extensive thinking. it's almost as if haedam has foreseeing superpowers because he can just predict the outcome of each decision, therefore he's always prepared with a backup plan. in the end, whether they like it or not, they can only fake a sour smile as haedam tells them "i told you so" with something in between an eye roll and a smug smirk. in the end, they'll know that they need haedam more than he needs any of them.

it can also be said that haedam is the personification of the north sentinel island—an inhabited island of indigenous tribes who would literally kill the foreigners who try to approach their island. although haedam often comes off as hostile with his hurtful words and lack of patience, he's not a bad person. is he a bad kid? yes, but deep inside—he's still the human that his loved ones (if there's any to begin with) used to know. no one knows what exactly happened to haedam that caused him to change so abruptly and so drastically, and he likes to keep it that way.

as tough and strong as he wants to believe himself to be, he really isn't the tough guy that everyone, including himself, thinks he is. the confident and arrogant assertion that he puts up is only a cover to make up for how broken he really is on the inside; to shield himself from the ones who would happily step on him and run him over. as they said, fake it till you make it—because in the end, no one will save him but himself; and he'd rather be staying on top and throw off others that threaten his state of mind than going back to the bottom and pick himself up once again. just like how it is easier to stay in shape than get back in shape, it's easier for him to stay cold and jaded than let the outside world's cold winds blow onto him once again. he had to learn the hard way that this is a cruel world to live in, and somehow he made sure that the world gets a bitter taste of what he had to go through.

there's a fine line that separates haedam from being a bully; some bullies are genuinely sociopaths who feed off of the ego boost they get from putting others down, while haedam—he's not that much different, but haedam has this special ability of flattening someone's ego to the ground without using slurs or picking at the insecurities that they can do nothing about. if anything, that still makes him better than those who made fun of him for being photosensitive and not being able to find the red light. right? haedam's motivation isn't just to make himself feel better about his own insecurities, but it's easier for him to make them dislike him from day one rather than dealing with the heartbreak of having his friends turn their backs against him. life is short and he surely hopes he won't have to deal with life any longer, so he'd rather die as the most hated person on earth than depressed and heartbroken.

a description of his enneagram tritype says "a more ambitious, materialistic and dominant five, who has a talent for leadership and a desire for achievement. more competitive and assertive than others, these fives manage to get out of their shells more often to experience life in a more direct manner and obtain a position of power and success. although still reserved and secretive, they exude a certain amount of self-confidence and strength which prevents their true vulnerabilities from being guessed by others (a huge fear of this tritype)." this really resonates with haedam, especially his pretentiousness.

he truly deserves an oscar for playing up the facade of an angry, tough boy who would yeet everyone that comes in his way to hell, when that's quite out of his true character. he's been putting up this facade for at least four years now, so it pretty much integrated into his character at this point. gone were the shy and sweet dancer boy who would let anyone speak over him, and it almost seemed as if someone took his soul out and replaced it with a cold-blooded murderer. but somehow, it made him feel liberated, free, and self-assured. somehow it feels like more people turned to respect him, even if it means being the most hated person on earth. not even haedam likes himself, so he's content with it.

but is he really?

there are some people who knew haedam before his downfall, and they know that he's not okay. something definitely happened to him, hitting him hard enough for haedam to fall and rebuild himself into someone completely different from the haedam that they knew and cherished. it's almost as if they met eyes with a stranger when they saw haedam for the first time after coming back from ygtb, and haedam keeps his mouth tightly shut about everything. as much as haedam shoved his repetition of "i'm fine, don't touch me" down their throats, they know that haedam isn't fine. even they were surprised at the things haedam is capable of doing, like publically humiliating or giving someone a nosebleed.

is haedam happy with how things are right now? definitely not. every night when the clock strikes 11:11, he finds himself apologising to his mum for disappointing her. he just knew that she's looking down at him with a disapproving stare for getting into way too many fights and not being able to stand up for himself until recently. but what else can he do? it's not like he has any other choice; he wants to be treated like a normal human being, but it's easier said than done for him. he can only wait for the day that he meets his mum again, although haedam surely knew that he won't. she's probably up there watching over him from heaven, and he doesn't deserve a spot up there. that's the only thing holding him back from ending himself like he's always wanted to. even if he gets a chance to live another life, he'd probably still be punished for all the bad deeds he's done in this life.

as much as haedam seems like he can't get even worse, even god knows that there's still good in him. haedam hates being a burden to others and takes responsibility of every of his actions, except if he made someone cry for slacking off in practice. he's incredibly self-aware and knows what's his fault and what isn't—even if his social anxiety prohibits haedam from apologising or doing other acts of service to the person he wronged, he'd still be guilty and try to discreetly make up for it, like providing a backup plan to back them up. it's times like these that people think "haedam is a genius no matter how much you dislike him." he at showing vulnerability and comforting people during vulnerable times, but if he genuinely cherishes them as persons—he won't hesitate to shove his facade aside and warm them in his embrace, that is if anyone finds comfort in haedam. no one in their right mind would describe haedam as someone good-natured or loyal, as that side of his is long forgotten.

haedam may be all domineering and controlling, but he isn't manipulative. as he already considers the outcome of each decision and their impacts towards the team, and sometimes sacrifices had to be made. that's just how life is. oftentimes, haedam would be the sacrifice—that's just the law of the jungle; the weak ones are the ones that get eaten by the strong. he may force himself to become the strong one in order not to get eaten once again, but he wouldn't manipulate the team to go against the weak ones. if anything, it's haedam solo against the whole team—and if they realise that they need haedam more than he needs them, that's a win for haedam. while that may sound like manipulating, haedam won't sugarcoat his goals, and that's the difference between haedam as a visionary and a manipulator. manipulation is masking the fact that you want to eat them alive behind sugarcoated bull, and that's not haedam's style. he works hard, plays hard, and his words are coated with chili powder instead of sugar. haedam is the exact opposite of a manipulator; while he may sound self-centered and aggressive, he's doing it for the team with himself in it. he knows he deserves his spot after being knocked off so many times in the past, and in the end—they'll also realise that haedam's talent and perseverance is more than necessary for the team.

"sometimes people pretend you're a bad person so they don't feel guilty about the things they did to you."

that's completely true. people like to pretend that haedam is a ruthless bully who dared to tell someone to be a harlot for a living because they're literally good for nothing else, but have they ever considered the things they did to haedam? the times where they forced haedam to continuously dance under bright lights knowing there's something wrong with his eyes? have they ever considered that there's almost nothing haedam could do with his weaknesses? have they ever thought of anything that haedam had to go through before calling him a weakling who snapped under just some demeaning comments about his struggles? even if they can imagine what happened to him, would they stay as strong as haedam under all of the things he had to go through?

even as a non-believer, god still considers haedam to be one of his strongest warriors. not everyone would bare to live this long after all he's been through, just because of one small deficiency. to think of it, if it weren't for the events caused by that and his mother's passing, haedam could've turned out to be someone incredibly empathetic and empowering. as someone who's been through the bitterest and darkest moments of life, haedam has no problem relating to others' struggles. the only thing he may struggle with, is empathising with people feeling down because of things that may sound superficial compared to his own pains, but that's nothing compared to the pure soul hidden beneath the tall electric fences guarding his near-frozen heart. in a way, he's like an onion—tastes like and makes you cry—and there's a ton of layers waiting to be discovered, all while making you cry nonstop.

yes, the kim haedam that everyone fears, also has feelings. the tears of joy he shed while he's alone after getting announced of his debut, the times he felt incredibly lonely for not having any family, jealousy when seeing other trainees go home to meet their families—if haedam doesn't have feelings, he surely would be bothered by the demons haunting him in his sleep. the demons that whisper to him that he'll never be good enough; the demons that tell him that he'll be forgotten and burning in hell after he dies, for all the things he's done. if he's going to die tomorrow, haedam wants to do at least one good thing for himself and his mother to be proud of—and those good deeds are often directed to strangers who won't remember his face, name, or try to know him in-depth. small deeds like picking up the trash, feeding stray kittens, and leaving encouraging notes to restaurants he'll never visit again—that way they'll remember the deeds, and not haedam himself.

haedam is the living embodiment of going through a difficult quest to achieve a significant reward, because it's extremely difficult for him to open up, but once he does—it's going to be worth it. haedam would literally jump in front of a train to save the person he loves, and he's not joking when he said so. when haedam loves someone, he doesn't play around when he said that he'll stay by their side through thick and thin. sometimes people just need to borrow some extra strength, and haedam has that. if he can go through so much and still stand strong, he'll make sure that they'll survive the winds, one way or another. in the end, it also makes him happy to see his loved ones live happily.

but the real question is, will he ever open his heart again after being stepped on so much?

BACKGROUND

although haedam was raised by a couple of college sweethearts, his life wasn't as smooth as people would expect it to be. he was accidentally conceived, causing his parents to get married at a young age. although his mother had to drop out of college before finishing her degree, the first few years of haedam's life went smoothly. his paternal grandfather owned an orange farm in jeju, which was enough to support him financially. however, his parents weren't mature enough to keep their young marriage and it ultimately resulted in a divorce.

both his parents fought hard for custody, and he was tossed around between his mother and his father's homes during the time. eventually, his mother won custody and she took him to her mother's house in busan. haedam's mother struggled to make ends meet since she only worked as a grocery store clerk, and his grandmother is no longer strong enough to work daily jobs. the fact that his father never paid child support didn't make the situation any better, but haedam didn't understand. he missed his mum because she always leaves for work before sunrise and comes home late at night. she can no longer play with him like she used to, or let alone help him with his homework. grandma said that his mum was struggling to make money, but what can little haedam do? he was just a little child. an adorable child, as his parents and grandparents always said. he was so innocent, but his innocence is not going to last any longer.

even when his father never paid child support, his family still wanted haedam for god knows what reason. he was a very cute and smart boy; children like him come only once on a blue moon. he was just there for his father's family to coddle, like a cute baby doll. sure, they feed and treat him well—a little too well, if you ask haedam. it always feels like a pair of eyes are plastered on him and he doesn't feel safe with them, even as a child. residing in his father's large house feels like living in a prison cell.

when his mother came to pick him up forcefully, a gush of relief sought over the five-year-old haedam. he felt tired even though he didn't actually have anything to do, and living with his father felt like all of his privacy was stripped away. yes, his cousins were there and he loved playing with them, but haedam didn't feel like himself at all. it was as if they're trying to kill him with kindness; trying to turn him a heartless robot like they are. whatever they have up their sleeves, haedam never wishes to know. but for a child to see bad vibes, they've probably got something seedy.

haedam's grandmother was always there to look after him when his mother is off at work, so his father's family wouldn't have a chance to snatch him like they used to do. the eventually gave up on him and stopped trying to see haedam, although his paternal grandmother still contacts him from time to time. both his mother and maternal grandmother let her see haedam, after all they're all women so they understand each other about missing their child/grandchild. that and the fact that haedam's grandmother is getting older, so they understand her wish to see her grandchildren growing up. haedam tolerated her presence much better, since she isn't blatantly giving him empty promises like his father. at least she says that she loves him and actually makes an effort to prove it, unlike that sweet talker of a dad.

a few years went by decently; haedam and his mother can live with his paternal grandfather coming to visit once in a while, as long as his father isn't directly involved. she hasn't told him about his father, so haedam didn't entirely hate him yet. however, it didn't last long—his maternal grandmother is getting old and sickly, while his mother is still struggling with finances if not even worse. she didn't even have the time to find and marry a rich guy because she works inhumane hours each day, all while demanding the child support money that her son deserves. it wasn't too long after months of struggling to pay for medicines and hospital bills that haedam's maternal grandmother passed away, leaving the mother and son just by themselves. "mom, i'm here for you." little haedam whispered in a small voice as he hugged his mother's head in his small frame. choi heekyung—his mother, had been feeling numb instead of having immense sadness. it felt as if too many things are going on at once—firstly their daily needs, then the hospital bills piling up, and now her mother passing away due to the hospital rejecting her for not paying the bills on time. but when haedam held her like this, all bottled up emotions let loose and she bursted into tears in haedam's arms.

"thank you, dami..."
haedam's reassuring words set the flame back inside his mother's heart and she once again became motivated to live. however, the debt from hospital bills aren't going anywhere. no matter how hard she worked, she just can't fulfill both the debts, her family's needs, and haedam's tuitions at the same time. this went on for at least two years, and her motivation gradually disappeared. her poor, sweet haedam—he was such a good child and she'd hate to let him go, but he was difficulties learning due to his condition and she can no longer afford schooling for kids with special needs like him. she had no other choice but to send haedam to his father since he can afford things better and provide him with his basic needs. he told her that he doesn't feel comfortable with his dad, but there's no other choice—if he keeps living with her, they might end up homeless anytime soon.

"mom... do you not love me anymore?"
"i love you so, so much, dami. more than anything else. please remember that."
"then why are you sending me to dad?! i don't want it!"
"we don't have any other choice, dami. take care..."

haedam didn't know what to feel or what he was thinking when he followed his dad into the airport, flying off to jeju. he missed the fresh air of the island, the beautiful sunsets that he used to take childhood pictures with; the children that used to play with him when he was much smaller. now he's all grown—well, not yet. however, he's much bigger than the last time he stepped his feet on the island. everything looked the same as it was eight years ago, yet it feels different somehow—rather than the immense joy he should've felt from returning to his hometown, haedam felt dread. it's as if he knew there will be a prison cell following him wherever he goes.

his mother was right, his father can afford him education for kids with special needs like him. it was a mere colourblindness, but it made haedam's day to day life very difficult. they can no longer count the amount of times he almost got run over from crossing the street when the stoplights are green, and that's just one example.

the true reason why haedam was sent to his dad was revealed only a few months after he moved. from his paternal grandmother, he found out that his mother had hung herself to death in her own house. she really didn't have enough money to inherit, as her will said—she became entangled in debts and she wouldn't have the time to fulfill them, nor can she look for a better job since she doesn't have enough qualifications. haedam was already depressed when he had to spend each day with people who treat him as a fragile glass sculpture instead of a human, so the heartbreaking news only made it worse. suddenly, his favourite food looks unappetising and his already monochromatic world became even gloomier. but really, is there anything he can do about it? he's just a child, and no way in hell he'll be able to help him survive on his own. for now, he just had to it up and hope he doesn't die with his dad's family or worse, become like them.

from the outside, his dad's family seemed to treat him well. but to haedam, the way they're treating him slowly drove him insane by each day. yes, he's that one cousin with a vision deficiency—but that doesn't mean he's dumb. he's perfectly capable of doing day to day tasks like wearing his own uniform, packing his own lunchbox, and doing his math homework. he even labeled his coloured pens so that he knew which one is which and behaved like a normal kid. they're treating him as if he's some soft of endangered bird species waiting to go extinct—no, this isn't the life he wanted. he wants to go outside and explore hobbies like other kids. he too, wants to be free. but most of all, he wants to be treated as a human.

haedam was only twelve when he left home to find shelter in his mother's old friend, ms. ji eunsang. without anybody knowing, he booked a ferry and a train towards the capital city of korea. with clothes and food in his backpack, he wore his mother's necklace around his neck and started his journey to leave his hometown forever.

"don't go looking for me,
you won't find me anyway.
just pretend that i'm dead or never existed.
forget that you had a son,
a nephew, or a cousin named haedam. please."

—kim haedam.

ji eunsang was his mother's best friend in high school, who hasn't heard about haedam's mother in a while. she, too, was surprised to hear about her longtime friend's death from her son, who had called her to notify that he'll be coming to seoul all alone. eunsang can only guess how much haedam has gone through for him to escape jeju all by himself, only shortly before he turned thirteen.

eunsang, who was a dance teacher, wanted haedam to feel what it's like to be a normal child his age. he was homeschooled throughout his first year in seoul to adjust living in a new environment with his vision deficiencies, and she knew he's a soft target for bullying, while haedam doesn't want to go to special needs classes anymore.

eunsang never planned to get married or have kids, but she now has haedam as a reminder that her old best friend was once alive. it wasn't difficult to take care of haedam since he's so independent despite what he's lacking in; he's a good kid despite being severely depressed. with her warm soup and giving him space, at least made haedam feel at ease. he's safe right here, far away from his deadbeat dad. hopefully he'll never find him, and eunsang knew exactly what to do.

to hopefully distract haedam from wallowing in depression, she used to take him to her workplace where she taught tango for people of all ages. it was awkward on haedam's behalf because most of her class participants are younger girls and middle-aged women, he was the only male in the entire dance academy. however, especially the older ladies adored him because he was so shy and cute, and he actually enjoyed dancing. they say physical activities can make your mood better, and it kind of worked on him.

from something that started for therapeutic reasons, haedam grew a genuine love for dancing and wanted to try something more. only a few months after he started tango, haedam enrolled in a contemporary dance class taught by one of eunsang's friends. it could be because he has a lot of free time from being homeschooled, or he's just a natural—but haedam didn't have any difficulties adjusting from tango to contemporary, two very different genres. being trained in two contrasting genres is like having the power of two elements, making him a powerful bender.

half a year into learning dance in-depth, haedam got the opportunity to test his learned skills into auditioning for companies. he's not yet polished, but his potential is endless; his specialty in tango is a bonus point because there aren't many idols who do this genre. haedam tried out for five companies: sm, cube, yg, big hit, and starship, and passed all of the first round auditions except for sm. again, he passed the all second rounds except for bighit, which leaves him with three options: starship, cube, and yg. no doubt, haedam made his choice right now and aimed straight for the largest agency.

and he's gotta say, hard work pays off damn well. without thinking twice, haedam signed the trainee contract right away when he got accepted into yg. the monthly allowances will be enough for him to survive and they're forcing him to at least finish education until high school. he missed a few months of school and will have to study harder to catch up with the others, but it was extremely difficult for him due to his condition. he hates it; he hates himself and the way there' nothing he can do to help himself. sometimes he would go to stores around seoul to try on glasses hoping it'd change his vision somehow, but it remained the same. his world still consists of black and white and there's no way it would change. at this point, he just gave up and accepted the fact that he'll forever struggle with daily life.

the trainers could say that they hit jackpot with haedam although his training records were pretty short. he had a lot to work on, but it was easy to train him. haedam, although mostly depressed and gloomy behind the cameras and eyes of the judges, was a natural performer and took criticism well. he's tall, but he's not stiff. if anything, he uses his long limbs to emphasize his dance moves so that the viewers' eyes cannot leave him. his singing voice was just as good; it's pretty and rarely off key, but his raw dancing skills stood out amongst the trainees. he's not yet the best of his batch, but his potential is limitless. however, there's one problem.

haedam is a captivating performer to look at in real life, but no camera could capture his stage presence. the fact that he cannot find the shooting camera made the problem even worse and this remained a mystery. with idols like cl and g-dragon, it's understandable that their performances made much bigger impacts when seen in real life, but haedam? he was just a trainee, and his skills were far from polished. for his first few months, they let it loose thinking he just needs to grow comfortable to the camera.

one by one, the trainees that used to be his friends started turning their backs against him when haedam was deemed incapable of performing for virtual audience. it's important for yg artists to make an impact to the audience in person, but the same needs to apply to those watching from afar. the contrast to his dance skills makes it seem like a false hope; getting an excellent dancer in their team only to have him just do his own thing instead of interacting with the camera.

haedam really wanted to scream everything out loud. how he's struggling to find the red light and how he dreaded seeing cameras much, much more by the day. how painful it was to hear words like "your skills are useless if you can't engage with the audience," "how hard is it to just find one red light," "your target audience is totally different from your seniors and you're better suited to be an idol in 2006," and so on. it's more than just that; to haedam, light is light. no reds, blues, greens, whatsoever. he hated himself for being unable to do anything about it, and mostly he hated how the other trainees started taunting him and beating him up.

he's sick of it. everything.

he's tired of locking himself up in the bathroom every day just to cry his frustrations out. he doesn't want to live, just the idea of reuniting with his mother up there seems like a better idea than to live in this hellhole called life. but then, he thought again to himself—would she be proud of him for giving up? she gave up on life because things got too much, but what he's going through is nothing compared to her.

at least he's now free of his scumbag of a dad.

so what now? right—he's free. he's been waiting for this moment all his life; to be able to stand up on his own two feet without anyone controlling his mind. to do what he truly loves. to dance and put smiles on others' faces. therefore, he shouldn't just bow down to people's judging eyes.

haedam held those words close to him as his eyes burned in passion and will to get back on his feet. not even bullies will tear him down, for he will return their attacks and stand up for himself now. he's positive that someday, he will be able to conquer the stage just like his seniors and prove people who've said otherwise wrong.

so that's how you stand up for yourself. haedam mused as his knee jolted up towards the other boy's crotch, fist charging into his stomach. he's never felt stronger before, let alone having any courage to stand up for himself. from now on, kim haedam the awkward country boy is no more—and his name shall be in the same tier as the feared ones.

after years of waiting and the push-and-pull between his significant improvements and struggles, haedam was ecstatic when his name was announced in the lineup for yg's boy group survival show, treasure box. he's excited because his hard work will finally pay off—gone are the days of getting roasted by trainers for small mistakes he made. to his defense, he never asked to be born with vision deficiencies—nor did he ask to be born at all. for now, he can only hope that the viewers won't overanalyse yedam's guilty look whenever he looked at haedam who got left out by the other trainees; or the amount of times junkyu got caught rolling his eyes at haedam. no one shall know what happens behind closed doors, just like how the stylists perfectly covered haedam's bruises and cuts that he did to himself. everything is sugarcoated for the tv, just like how the fans prefer it to be.

throughout the show, haedam consistently kept his rank in the upper half. he's got it all; skills, stage presence, and looks. there's just that little something that draws people's attention to haedam, even though he hasn't trained for as long as most of the other boys. he made it to the finals and the fans thought he'd be debuting with the popular contestants like yedam, haruto, and jeongwoo, but yg had a different idea.

"haedam, what a shame. you're a captivating performer to look at, but your skills are useless if you can't look at the camera. if the kids who aren't as skilled as you are can do it, why can't you? is it really that hard?" he remembered the exact thing yg said to him on their last evaluation. he remembered how he wanted to tell the truth, but his words got stuck at the throat by tears choking him back. no one has ever stepped in their shoes, so they obviously don't know.

yes, it is that hard. and he'll have to live with either people never knowing what it's like to walk in his shoes, or being treated like absolute once again. and between the two, he'd rather pick the former.

LIKES

BOBA　especially brown sugar with fresh milk, or just the og milk tea.
bread. if there's an unseparable thing from haedam (aside of his edgy boy tingz), it's bread. especially cheese bread, melon bread, fluffy milk bread—just. bread.
BUTTERFLIES　to haedam, butterflies hold a special meaning—one day, a white butterfly landed on his nose out of nowhere, and the next day he found out that his mother had passed away that day. every time a butterfly lands on him, he just knows that something has or is about to happen—it's happened way too many times now, as if butterflies are divine spirits that guide him through his life.
CATS AND DOGS　even the resident tough guy of k-os can't resist cute animals. whenever one comes up to him, haedam's brain just goes: pet! pet! pet!
DARK JOKES　not the racist or derogatory kind of dark jokes, but the ones just offensive enough to make someone think "what the is wrong with you" without offending something that people are just born with.
HARRY POTTER　haedam is a proud slytherin, though he can easily fit in ravenclaw as well.
HATS　berets, bucket hats, beanies, you guessed it; they're all black.
horror movies. he's a big fan of the conjuringverse.
ICE CREAM　his favourite flavour is rainbow sherbet.
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA　though he never watched the musical, he's listened to all of the songs and he's living for the entire aesthetics.
PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS　since he was a young teen, he's seen many underground performers with body modifications and thought they looked scary, but in a good way. he lowkey dislikes his cute face because he wouldn't look good in multiple facial piercings even though he wants them.
ROCK SONGS　he likes nirvana and fall out boy, but these days he's been listening to day6 and softer rock in general.
SPICY FOOD　he can't eat greasy food without adding chili powder. he can eat a lot of spicy food although he'd be pooping out fire the next day.
THE NIGHT　he doesn't know why, something about the nighttime just makes him feel tranquil. it's like taking a warm bubble bath, except he's outside and obviously not .

DISLIKES

AMONG US　there's a reason why haedam never joins the group's among us sessions and that is his colourblindness. he literally can't tell the colours apart including even black and white. the other members thought it was just him being a socially detached again, but they don't know anyway. though, he would sometimes join if they insist, and is supposedly a pretty darn good impostor. (more like it's because haedam always plays with a deadpan expression and everyone's too scared to lynch him)
BEING REMINDED OF HIS FAMILY　too many ugly memories; nope.
BIRDS　the chirps are annoying and pigeons like to steal his bread. seagulls and ducks, too. the only kind of bird he tolerates are penguins.
bright places. staring at intense lighting for prolonged time often hurts his eyes. he doesn't like indoor photoshoots for this reason.
JEJU ISLAND　it's indeed the most beautiful place in korea and haedam objectively agreed that jeju is even more beautiful than haeundae and seoul, even gapyeong. however, it brings way too many negative memories that he never wishes to recall ever again. for this reason, he can't even eat a jeju tangerine in peace.
MATCHA　he doesn't know what he was expecting when he ordered a matcha milk tea out of curiosity, but it tasted bitter. ever since, he never bought or tried anything matcha ever again.
MINT CHOCOLATE　he likes mint and chocolate separately, but not together. he just wants to talk to whoever came up with the idea of mixing spearmint and dark chocolate together.
MUSIC SHOW RECORDINGS　it always reminds him of why he got eliminated from ygtb and he hates himself for being unable to do such an easy task—finding the camera. he's always in a bad mood whenever they record because he only relies by pure luck and memory for that. the other members thought his eyesight might just be worse than the prescripted lenses, but to haedam it's much more complicated.
PICK ME GIRLS　specifically for girls, because haedam has never met a pick me guy before and never wishes to. why, if you ask? because apparently, according to those people, haedam is an emo bad boy that they'd like to date in order to fix. wake the up, this isn't wattpad. haedam doesn't want you to fix him, touch him, or show up in front of his eyes. go away before he yeets you off a cliff.
PEOPLE　this is not even a drill, especially if they're too nosy or straight out won't listen to his advice. well, doesn't it to be loud and stupid, karen?
SURVIVAL SHOWS　every time he watches people get pushed aside, it just reminds him of himself.

HOBBIES

PIANO　haedam took piano classes along with music theory to support his vocal training, and continued playing until now. when he's not listening to rock and sadboy music, he likes to play the piano to exercise his focus.
READING　haedam reads a lot of mystery novels because it exercises the logical side of his brain, and is proud of having finished reading all sherlock holmes series. if the dorm has a bookshelf, haedam would stock it with lots of mystery and thriller novels. if the members kindly ask him about reviews and recommendations, he'll gladly give them a summary.
SPOTIFY/MELON DEEP DIVING　when haedam wants to listen to a specific kind of music, he searches up a certain keyword and dive deep into the playlists. that way, he's found lots of underrated artists that he'll gladly give exposure to.
SWIMMING　maybe it's because his mum and grandma used to take him to swim on the beach during school breaks, and haedam kept the hobby to this day. he enjoys it as a full body workout and has no problem swimming and diving in deeper areas.
TRYING OUT NEW DANCE STYLES　he's done tango, contemporary, hip-hop, popping, locking, what else? ooh, tutting sounds fun!

HABITS

ADDRESSING NAMES　haedam would only use full names if it's absolutely necessary, like formal occasions. if he addresses someone by their last name without any titles (mr., miss, dr., etc), then he's most likely doing it in a passive-aggressive tone.
ANGRY　many people think he's always angry since haedam is almost always taunting other trainees or throwing snide remarks, but that's just his default neutral mood. when he's genuinely mad, he locks himself up and takes a hit after his fuse blows up.
CRUSHING　being a generally stoic , it's really noticeable when haedam is falling in love. his dead eyes suddenly sparkle, and he can hold eye contact with the said person for more than two seconds. but most of all, he'll be anxious when the person isn't around and get excited when they meet again.
FRUSTRATED　haedam isn't normally short tempered, but his fuse is much quicker to blow up when he's frustrated. if he can't cry it out (alone), he'll just excuse himself and go for a smoke. whatever it is, he needs a break and some time alone when he's frustrated.
LOSING HIS CONTACTS　haedam uses clear contacts, so things can get really difficult on his behalf if he accidentally drops them. being colourblind made it even more difficult for him to search for things, which is why he gave up on coloured contacts. therefore, he always carries his glasses with him just in case.
SAD　haedam almost never feels sad at all, considering the amount of pain he's gone through. it's not that he never gets sad anymore, but he's gone through too much that everything else feels superficial to him, like numbness. everything feels normal to him, except when he gets reminded of his mother. that's when he starts bawling out of the blue.
SMOKING AND VAPING　i mean, he doesn't care about dying anyway. and it helps him cope with depression and anxiety, so it's a win for him either way.
STRUGGLES　due to his condition, he still struggles with little things. he no longer gets almost run over for crossing the street at the wrong time, but those little things do affect his daily life a bit, such as mistaking someone else's drink for his own, accidentally switching clothes or underwear with his roommate, putting the wrong jam on his bread (sometimes he forgets to read the label), getting colourful dresscodes wrong, and so on. he really needs help with things like these.

FEARS

BEING DISCRIMINATED　he's just colourblind, not blind. yes, he has bad eyesight and is practically a trainwreck without his glasses, but he can live without being looked after 24/7.
GOING TO HELL　haedam is non-religious, but sometimes the stories of the afterlife sounds too vivid that it scares him a little. and knowing himself, he can't ever hope of not going to hell if it really exists.
THE FUTURE　more like his lack of planning for his own future, honestly. he doesn't know what to do with his life after k-os, and that's only assuming the group grew to become successful. he would've done the college entrance exams if he had the money, but he doesn't.

TRIVIA

FAVOURITE FOOD　extra spicy k-bbq.
FAVOURITE COLOUR　... are you seriously asking him this? but if he really has to answer: "something that reminds me of the sea."
FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR　rainbow sherbet.
FAVOURITE SONG　for lovers who hesitate by jannabi.
FAVOURITE MOVIE　the conjuring.
WHAT'S IN HIS BAG　he only brings his phone, id, small amount of cash, earphones, and a lighter inside his pockets. why no cards, if you ask? because he uses mobile banking and apps for most things.
✩ haedam belongs to the gimhae kim clan, other notable members being super junior's yesung, shinee's key, and bts' rm.
✩ he graduated from sopa's dance major in 2020.
✩ he'll never stop being proud of the fact that he turned 11 years old on november 11, 2011, at exactly 11:11 at night.
✩ his kindergarten teacher once told him that human skin comes in different colours, but haedam never specifically asked or blurted out any curiosity regarding it, so he just assumes that people come in different shades of the rainbow and his skin must be pink because people told him that his cheeks are pink. don't tell anyone about this, though.
✩ although he never wears it, haedam keeps a white gold plated locket necklace with his mother's photo on it. he always has it inside his bag as some sort of a lucky charm.
✩ he is left-handed and often struggles using objects intended for right-handed people, like that one chair in most classrooms.
✩ haedam has cone monochromacy (cm), where he has all of the wavelength receptors in his retina but only one is functioning correctly. it's considered extremely rare and he only sees the world in blacks, greys, and whites. no browns and blues at all; totally grayscale.
✩ if the members hold an award session, haedam would win the following: most likely to survive in an inhabited island, person you'd most want to send to hell, and most likely to be wanted by fbi.
✩ most likely to survive in an inhabited island: he's smart, tactical, and wouldn't mind hunting animals or picking plants to help him survive. in other words, he's street smart.
✩ most wanted to send to hell: no explanation needed.
✩ most likely to be wanted by fbi: it's just for the fact that whatever he says almost always comes true; is he a wizard? — his favourite season is summer because the weather is almost always nice, and popsicle sellers are all over the place.
✩ most people wouldn't describe haedam as a conventional leader since he's, well, an ; but at least he's good at working under pressure and strives for perfection in performances. rather than a parental figure, he's the strict older brother who helps his siblings build their skills. that is if he's willing to put hard feelings and rivalries aside.
✩ haedam currently has 16-17 piercings on his ears alone, and has really good pain tolerance so it has never been a problem to him. he's considering of getting one on his tongue and navel.
✩ haedam doesn't drink alcohol that much to take care of his voice and physique, but he does enjoy some good whiskey if he wants to get wasted. his alcohol tolerance is just average, if not slightly below.
✩ whenever there are bugs in the dorm, haedam is always the one to catch it. he actually has three pet cockroaches named squidbob, patward, and spongerick. he absolutely can release them anytime he wants if the members are misbehaving.
✩ if haedam had the chance to go to college during his idol career, he would go for statistics or a math-related major. this is just in case if someday he won't be able to dance anymore, he'd still have the skills to be a data analyst or at least a math teacher.

INCORRECT QUOTES

HAEDAM　is there a spirit in this house?
OUIJA BOARD　y e s
HAEDAM　then the rent is 600$ per month, and don't forget to do the dishes.
OUIJA BOARD　w t f
MEMBER, SIGHING　stop bullying the spirit

MEMBER　did it hurt—
HAEDAM　yes
MEMBER　but you didn't let me—
HAEDAM　everything hurts

MEMBER　there's hell in hello
MEMBER　there's an end in friend
MEMBER　there's a lie in believe
MEMBER　there's an over in lover
MEMBER　and there's a good in goodbye
HAEDAM　there's fun in funeral.

MEMBER　what do you want
HAEDAM　the power to stop death
MEMBER　 I meant from mcdonald's

HAEDAM　if something happens and i don’t make it, just know that i’ll always be looking up at you.
MEMBER　
MEMBER　up?
HAEDAM　oh yeah, i’ll be in hell for sure.

RELATIONSHIPS

FAMILY

KIM HAEKWAN, PIECE OF

ah, yes. the person that haedam really wants to smack in the face using a frying pan—but then in order to do that, they must come face to face. hell nah, not doing that.

ever since haedam left jeju, he hasn't been in contact with his dad's family, and none of them went looking for him. either they obeyed his wishes, gave up looking for him, or did that out of fear that the police may find out what they did to him—but now that haedam's all grown up, none of it matters anymore. people cut off others from their lives for a reason, and haedam believes he's doing the right thing even if he's slowly becoming more and more ruined by each day.

sometimes, haedam even rethinks his bold decision to leave his family behind at a young age. he really did struggle a lot due to his condition, and sometimes they did the right thing by protecting him and not allowing him to do certain things by himself, like picking food or riding a bicycle. but then, all he needed to do is look at his own shirtless reflection in the mirror. above his heart, lies the remainder of someone incredibly close to his heart; someone who keeps haedam going until now. even if that person is gone forever due to haekwan's deeds, a part of her still lives in haedam. even if haekwan would do anything in his power to get his grownup son back, haedam is more than capable of turning his back against him whilst sticking both middle fingers in the air.

JI EUNSANG, FAMILY FRIEND

the closest thing to a family haedam has right now; eunsang is an old friend of haedam's mother who took him in after haedam left jeju for good, although she would not adopt haedam legally to respect his wish. after all, haedam will still be her friend's child no matter how much time has passed. as she was the one who introduced haedam to dance, haedam deeply respects her; more as an artist than a parent, although haedam quite feels like his mother would be happy if he took care of eunsang as her old friend. even if haedam genuinely cares for eunsang, he's not comfortable enough with her to open up about his struggles.

they still keep in contact and eunsang would show up as haedam's mentor if there are any events that require a parent or guardian's attendance, but she no longer holds the position of haedam's guardian after he came of age—again, due to his own wish. is eunsang worried about haedam at all? heck yes, very! haedam never asks for anything, not even help or money—so she wouldn't know how he's coping up. but then, haedam always reassures her that he's doing fine, even if it's a lie.

TREASURE

CHOI HYUNSUK　truthfully, haedam liked him, but there's a heavy emphasis on the past tense. a leader's job is to make sure that tasks are done while leaving no one behind, and haedam thinks hyunsuk failed to do the latter. while they wouldn't exactly punch each other in the face like haedam did to some other trainees, he doesn't want anything to do with hyunsuk anymore.

BANG YEDAM　another longtime trainee in yg and close to each other in ages, haedam and yedam used to be friends. things fell apart because yedam is much closer to the ones who left haedam in the dark rather than haedam himself, and although the younger is definitely the one more affected by haedam cutting him out—haedam didn't regret anything. people come and go, it's just part of life. and rather than letting those people affect him negatively by keeping them around, he would much rather cut them all out entirely.

K-OS

LEE JAERO　they have come across each other a few times during their training in belift, but they don't know each other personally. when haedam watched i-land, he couldn't even finish it because jaero reminded him of his younger self a little too much, and not in a good way. haedam can't really judge jaero's character from what he saw on screen, but so far it feels like jaero is someone that haedam can trust.

LILACYOUTHS　　RUNA 　　IDK/10
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