Seeking Happiness by flipflopxx Genre: angst, fluff | Characters: Yongguk, Jinri (oc), Kris | Status: Completed | Type: oneshot

Date and time requested: Jan 6, 2015; 8:00pm | Review posted: Jan 7, 2015 1:15pm

Note: I don’t proofread reviews, so I may have grammar mistakes. Please be noted that I try to be professional and I just express my honest opinion. I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. Please copy-paste your review if you want a personal copy. I’m going to delete this after some time. Correct me if I’ve said something wrong in the review.

 

Story Title

When it comes to technicalities, there’s nothing wrong with your title. There is right spelling and capitalization, so yehet.

Your title is not unique. I’ve searched on aff, and I found many ‘seeking happiness’ fic. The next time you choose a title for your fic, make sure to search on aff first, so that your title will be original. So that your readers will not be like ‘meh, seeking happiness again’ or something like that. Make your title enticing.

I don’t know, but when I saw your title, I was just like ‘okay’. It’s not interesting for me. It did not have much impact on me. Maybe it’s just me, but yeah, that’s what I felt.

Anyway, it’s relevant to your story and appropriate to the genre.

 

Graphics

Okay. So you don’t have an official poster. I suggest you to request on graphic shops, because it’s always better if fics have a poster. It will attract more readers. The readers must see efforts, you know.

The background. Well, I like it. It gave me the gloomy feels, plus it’s relevant to your story since that’s how Yongguk’s first-made dress look like. Yeah, I know that it’s actually a sky, but still, when I read about the dress that Yongguk gave Jinri, I thought the backround image is the dress cloth. Lol. And anyway, it’s good that you’ve chosen that background image since there is a scene that they looked at the sky with red shade and something.

Okay. Now for the organization of the text. I suggest that you justify your description, foreword, and your chapter. It will look neater with that. Plus, make your font type and font size consistent. Use only one. If Lucida grande, just Lucida grande and nothing else. For your author’s note and credits, that’s where you can use other fonts. And preferably the font size of those must be smaller than your story text.

And I noticed that when you want to emphasize sentences or something, you either put them in bold or you underline them. That’s what you did on grandma’s note and on Yongguk’s note at the end. Well, to tell you, that’s unprofessional. Just italicize if you want to emphasize. Don’t put it in bold or put underline anymore. You know, if the phrase itself gives so much impact to the reader, it will be stuck on the reader’s mind. You don’t need to overemphasize it anymore, because the readers will do that on their minds.

 

Description and Foreword

Description:

Your description is good. There’s something in me telling that I should read this fic. I like it.

But you have errors and confusing things. One, there is no such thing as ‘sorrowness’, only ‘sorrow’. Two, I think you should just remove ‘and emotion’ after ‘onto your heart’. Well, that’s because it’s a bit redundant. I mean, duh, onto her heart is enough. When you say ‘onto her heart’, it’s understood that it’s about emotion. ‘Onto her heart’ can already have an impact to the readers. Sometimes, the lesser, the better. Kekeke, I learned that from another reviewer. Third, I’m confused with this: ‘her childhood friend have bringing’. I was like, what? Do you mean ‘have brought’? Fourth, it must be like this: ‘…that she built with Bang Yong Guk, her childhood friend, have brought, at least, a tinge…’. You see what I did? I’ve put a comma after ‘friend’, because ‘her childhood friend’ is a phrase that describes Yongguk.

Foreword:

Okay. So I know that this is a song lyrics, but you should have at least corrected the errors.

I’m so confused with the first line. What are you trying to say there? Whereabouts is my mind? Do you mean, ‘where is your mind?’ On the second to the last line, it should be ‘remains’, because love is singular.

Okay. I was kinda like wow in your foreword. I admit, it got me. It’s a song lyrics and you did not write it, but it’s effective. I got the feels.

 

Characterization

An author must be able to describe his story’s characters in their physical appearance and feelings/ actions. What you lack is the physical description of your characters. You must at least have a sentence or two for your characters’ physical appearance. How tall is Yongguk? Is he black or white? Does he have a curly hair? What is he wearing at the scene? And other things like that. How does Kris look like? You did not describe his appearance. Yeah, he’s just a minor character, but still, Kris made a big impact on Jinri’s life.

Describe your characters’ physical appearance. Especially your main characters. Their image must be clear to your readers. Yes, this is just a oneshot, this is just a very short story, but still, describe them. Vary the length of your description depending on how important a character is. Make longer descriptions for more important characters.

Don’t just tell that Yongguk is handsome. Show it. It’s not enough to tell that he has fans. Show how handsome his face is. You can say, ‘his deep eyes hypnotize women, his perfectly-carved nose…blabla’. Pay attention to details. Give details to how his face looks like. What is the best feature of his face? Something like that.

Okay. So when it comes to your characters’ actions and feelings, you did a good job. You show that they are happy or sad or whatever. Your story is short, but I felt the emotions that you wanted me to feel because you show and not just tell.

Now, the actions and emotions of your characters are realistic and understandable. They portray real-life characters. Though I found nothing extraordinary in them. Yongguk is your typical best friend and good handsome guy, Kris is your typical y irresponsible father, and Jinri is a typical dying character in stories. But still, you’ve portrayed them well. I’m sort of irked with Kris and the grandmother, and I feel so sad for Jinri. Huhu.

Well, I just want to share that when I read that Yongguk is making a dress, I really thought he is gay, and that’s why Jinri and he aren’t meant for each other. Well, hahaha. Lol at me. Anyway, I know that he’s straight in your story. He just has this socially-considered weird hobby for men. And I like how his parents reacted when they knew it. Hahahaha.

 

Plot

Okay. Your plot is simple and ordinary. It’s a story that you can see in many fics. No special twist or whatever. But well, I still liked your story. You know how to convey emotions. I saw no loophole in your story, or maybe I just missed them.

So for the pace of your story…well it’s really good for a oneshot. I did not feel that you were rushing things too much. But yeah, since this is a oneshot, the pace is really faster compared to chaptered ones. I felt the sadness, especially on Yongguk’s note at the end. My heart was…I don’t freakin know…while reading the note. But oneshots never made me cry no matter how sad the story is, because yeah, it’s just short. I only had a very short time being with oneshot characters.

So that’s the perks of chaptered stories. The readers will spend more time with the characters. The readers will get more attached. So if a character will have a sad ending, the readers will get more torn. Time. Time is the key. If you want to make more readers cry, make them spend more time with your characters. I really prefer sad and tragic stories in chaptered form, or a very long oneshot, about 10,000 words or more.

But of course you must not make it too draggy. And the writer must have the ability to convey emotions in their writing. The writer must have the skill.

 

Grammar and Writing Style

Grammar:

Okay. This is where you really have a problem.

You are inconsistent with your tenses. On your first two paragraphs you used present tense, but then on the third one you started using the past tense. Then on the italicized part, you used the present again.

Stick to one tense only. If you want to use the present form, use present for your entire story. If you want to use the past tense, just use the past. I suggest you to read published books so that you will learn how to do it. Or, study grammar further.

I will only correct your grammar mistakes on your beginning paragraphs, okay? You have so many mistakes on the entire story, but I’ll just correct some.

     Original: “Seeing a group of girls’ glimmering eyes while talking about their love dreams sometimes in the coffee house have successfully made me almost puking out my strawberry cheesecake.”

     Revised: “In the coffee house, seeing a group of girls’ glimmering eyes while talking about their love dreams has nearly made me puke out my strawberry cheesecake.”

The way you form that statement is confusing, especially at first glance. Meh…this is a long explanation. Anyway, as you gain experience in reading and writing, you will realize how confusing that statement is. Ahh, how about this. So that statement has 4 parts: 1. Seeing a group of girls’ glimmering eyes 2. While talking about their love dreams 3. In the coffee shop 4. Have successfully made me almost puking out my strawberry cheesecake.

Okay. Number 1 is the subject. Number 4 is the predicate. Numbers 2 and 3 are the details of your subject. If you don’t want to confuse your readers, make the subject and predicate as close to each other as possible. So if you can see in the revised version, I’ve put number 3 in the beginning so the subject and predicate will be closer to each other. That way, the statement will not be confusing. Anyway. Haha. I suggest you to study subject and predicate on the net for further explanation.

Okay. Your next mistake. It must be ‘has’ and not ‘have’. Why? Because your subject is singular. Your subject is seeing the girl’s eyes, not the girls’ eyes. You get what I mean? Your subject is a gerund. Search for gerund in the net, and read articles about it.

Next thing, this: ‘have successfully made me almost puking out…’. Okay. It doesn’t sound good. First, it must be ‘puke’ and not ‘puking’. Second, you have weird choice of words. You can do it like this: ‘has nearly made me puke out.’ It is shorter, yet they have the same sense.

     Original:  Why people still believe in something childishly stupid like that?

     Revised: Why do people still believe in something stupid like that?

Add ‘do’. Omit ‘childishly’, because stupid itself has an impact. Or, you can choose between childish and stupid. If you choose childish, omit stupid. Sometimes, the less, the better.

     Original: If you try to deny, then why Cinderella’s infamous happily ever ending never really happens?

     Revised: If you try to deny, then why does Cinderella’s infamous happily ever after never really happened?

You must know when to use the present and past form. If ever you have chosen to use the present tense for your entire story, there will still be parts where you’ll use the past form. Here, it must be ‘happened’. Why? Because Cinderella’s story happened in the past already.

     Original: Are there really any real helpers like the 7 dwarves and have a prince come and kiss your red tinted lips to cure anything?

     Revised: Are there any real helpers like the seven dwarves and a prince who will come and kiss your red tinted lips to cure you?

‘Are there really any real helpers’ is redundant. You already have ‘real’, and you still have ‘really’. ‘7’ must be in word form. I notice that you do that on other parts of your story, like ’10 years’, ’17 ty years’, etc. All of them must be in word form, because it’s more elegant if they’re in words.

‘Have a prince come and kiss…’ is confusing. In a statement, you must observe parallelism. Nah, just read about parallelism articles on the net.

     Original: True love is a fake rumor that only hopeless people believe.

     Revised: True love is a rumor that only hopeless people believe.

Omit ‘fake’. It doesn’t do anything in the statement.

     Original: I, on the other hand, is not that stupid.

     Revised: I, on the other hand, am not that stupid.

     Original: The scar is deep, and still can be seen until today, although it doesn’t bleeds anymore.

     Revised: The scar is deep, and still can be seen until today, although it doesn’t bleed anymore.

Read more and more. Write more and more. You will gradually improve your grammar.

Writing Style:

Your writing style is good. You have your own voice. But, the way you form your statements are still raw. I mean, it’s obvious that you’re a starter. With more practice, you will improve.

I noticed that you’ve italicized the flashback in your story. You don’t need to do that. Your readers will know that it’s a flashback, since you have narrated it well.

You italicize things when you want to emphasize, or if it’s a note of the character. In your story, you must just italicize grandma’s note, the song lyrics and Yongguk’s note at the end. Refrain from overusing italization, because it will lose its purpose if you use it on almost half of your story. Compare italization with highlighting. Just imagine if you’ve highlighted the half of your text book. The highlight will lose its purpose, right? You can only highlight up to one third of a text.

Now, on the POV you used. It’s good that you’ve used the first person POV.

But…just imagine me as I read the ending of the story. I’m not supposed to be scared in your story, right? But I got scared. Why? Because omg, this: ‘the monitor’s rhythm slowly turns from a faster rate, medium, and finally…nothing.’ I mean, omg. She is dying, she is fighting for her life, and she can still narrate?? And omg, how did she even know this: ‘finally…nothing.’ I was really like omg! It gave me creeps. So, she’s dead at that time and she can still narrate? I mean omg, she’s a ghost at that point!

You get what I mean? Okay. For that dying scene, you should use the third person POV just like what you’ve done on your last paragraph. Jinri’s voice must only be until when she is listening to the tape. Because it’s kinda unrealistic if she can still narrate even when she’s dying, and when she’s already dead!

For a romance story like yours, you must not do that, okay? Because your readers might get scared.

 

Overall Comment

Hey, despite the flaws, I enjoyed this! This is good for a oneshot.

Keep on writing and you will get better! You know what, you have a potential. With just some polishing of your writing skills, especially your grammar, you’ll get much much better. Fighting flipflopxx!