I've decided to start a blog thread sharing some of my life with my affies and anyone who cares to read an autobiography by a fat girl. Each month(ish) I will share a blog post, titled after an EXO song name.

WARNING: HEAVY CHEESE AHEAD

"Life is only a path full of effort", is something our puppy Baek believes and repeats.

But for me; with him as the guiding light, at least the path I must take in life is clear and full of hope. With his radiant smile leading me, I can feel just that little bit happier about myself when negative thoughts fill my mind on a bad day.

He taught me how to ignore other people's ill-intended criticism, he taught me how to draw strength from within myself. He taught me how to feel beautiful even if my hair is sticking up on one side in the morning, and he has taught me to love even the smallest of things in life.

Since today is his special day, I'm writing this blog to express my appreciation for the fact that Byun Baekhyun has chosen to be known to the world, and allows for me to see him every day even if it is only on a flat monitor screen.

As many of the people reading this post will know, one of my most self-representative stories is Overweight, yet Loving You. Because I have been above average weight all through childhood, my self esteem when I hit puberty took a drastic plunge to the bottom of below zero. I fought with my mother, hated my step-father, and in general was a very gloomy person who couldn't sincerely congratulate anyone else's successes from the bottom of my heart.

But one day in February of 2012, I happened to come across Super Junior Ryeowook's Twitter update about a new boyband called EXO also under SM entertainment. Out of curiosity, I clicked into the link and watched a few teasers.

In the very beginning, I have to admit Baekhyun was not my first love. (Seriously though, he hardly even appeared in the 20-something teasers. It was pretty much 99% Kai with a dash of Luhan.) Tao was my favourite upon first impression - I loved the way his body would move as he performed the martial arts moves in front of the camera, asserting his dominance over the stage and simply radiating self confidence.

But I was the exact opposite of Tao (before I found out about his crybaby tendencies and shoujo manga protagonist lifestyle anyway). He was dangerous and charismatic; while I was chubby and depressed.

After the History MV came out, I was again led to the Youtube link through various sources; and this time I sat through the entire MV without stopping to take a toilet break or yawn in disinterest. There was one who caught my eye. He wasn't the same one who I saw in the teasers a few weeks ago - not the dangerous looking boy with dark eyes. No, this time, it was an almost girlish face with an oddly ual mix of expressions that were directed at the camera.

As all kpop fan girls know, when one takes interest in a new boyband, one must research them on Google.

And so I went to sumandu, and I went to look for anything I could find about the new 12-people boy band.

Turns out the one who I had liked in the MV was actually the lead vocalist, and another link brought me to the fateful song: "What is Love."

Now, as I had previously been saying - I was a fat kid and during those first two years of high school I felt utterly helpless and angry with myself. Why did I have to be so ugly? Why couldn't I look like the other kids? Why do I have to hear my parents and adults discussing about my weight behind my back?

So the song really connected to me - what is love, exactly? Will I ever even find out? Will someone come to love me even if I can't be a pretty and skinny girl? Those emotions made me really like the title - and the song itself was really captivating. Baekhyun hitting the high notes really made me admire him for some reason, and I still remember the tingles his voice brought to my skin.

But the thing which turned this song into one of my ultimate favourites, is the one verse:

"If you wish and wish earnestly
Will it come true, like the fairytales?
A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after."
 

As I looked up the English translations, I realised that I needed to pick myself up and help myself - because I'm not living in a fairytale. If I didn't feel good about my own body, then I should take the effort to change myself. If I didn't feel confident and comfortable in my own skin, then I should tell myself to get over it and accept the fact that I am me.

And so began the long and painful process of losing weight. 

Even though I have not been largely successful so far, I am no longer as heavy and as unfit as I used to be. When I wake up in the mornings, I feel hopeful towards what the day will bring me. I've decided on a career path, with the thought of bringing order and justice to the world to the best of my abilities.

All of that, is thanks to the one moment in February 2012, when I first discovered a love that could pull me out of the darkness.

Thank you, Byun Baekhyun, for being born.