I honestly do not know. I don't know what I should know. I'm just coping with everything. Like nothing has happened. I'm hiding from everything. No, I'm not afraid. I can't be afraid.

I started going to a new school not too long ago but it's christmas break right now. Honestly it's not that bad. Well since it's an alternative school, i only have 9 people in my class and we don't communicate with any other students. Most of them smoke and take drugs, one has with lots of guys and tries to dress as a e under appropriate clothing, Some just have alot with their boyfriend/girlfriend. But they're all older than me but really not much of a year difference. Maybe a year older most of them, but they do grade 9 work. We have 3 teachers. And they're young and awesome. 

One of their sons live in korea and my teachers find it cool that I know how to write and speak korean almost fluently. Although I'm not fluent YET, They said that I could probably finish highschool in a different country. Go to school in korea as an exchange student. They said they would look into to it for me.

To be truly honest it's not a bad idea. Because you know I really want to go there. If not korea maybe London? I don't mind the weather. I live in Canada. I know what is bad weather. The power went out for about 6 days here in toronto. Icestorms freezing trees causing them to become heavy and fall onto telephone wires and houses and onto roads and important power lines and all those things. I spent Christmas in an empty apartment that belongs to my mom's friend because the apartment had power. Right now I'm back in my apartment and there's power but there's no heat. So It's freezing but I'll survive. somehow in the end, I have to survive.

My EXO Albums came in on the 24th so I wrapped it up to open on christmas. It came around 4pm but I opened it 2 hours later. Seriously, I was so excited it was sitting under my tree I knew it was there I had to open it I couldn't help it.

Let's go back to around the 2nd week of december. My physciatrist sent me to a hospital and I stayed there for 3 days. The main part of the hospitals program was for depressed teens. You know the ones who cut and think of suicidal and try to commit and all that. I was stuck there. Let me get this clear in your brain and listen well. I am NOT depressed. Nor am I happy. I'm just neutral. Why would I cut my skin is precious. The thought of me doing suicidal is just ridiculous. It's a pity to those who have commited suicide but Albus Dumbledore told Harry to not pity the dead but to pity the living. I was stuck there and they made schedules. Like there was a certain time where you could eat. You had to activities like yoga, and crafts and all kinds of annoying things. I didn't know why I put into a hospital or did I even need to be there. I just did whatever my physciatrist suggested so I stayed there just to sleep and get away from the stress I would need to deal with at home. Time alone, to read, just relax. Why would I need to do all these kinds of things. I don't understand that this is a place for depressed female teens but you wake them up and move them around like puppets and make them more insecure and make them write over and over useful things. I just wanted to sleep. I skipped whatever the wanted me to do. And then this sassy woman comes into my room and says "Okay Nicole I think you've gotten enough sleep you need to go do these activities" Why would make a depressed teen do work seriously? Not just depressed teens but all teens would hate to do work in a hospital. Anyway there were only 3 girls there excluding me. All of them ended up becoming friends because they liked the same things. In the end making me a loner. And I really I don't mind. I didn't go to a hospital to make friends. I don't remember the last time I hung out with a friend anyway to be truly honest because I chose to be independent. You all look fine. Why are you in here? Forget it I'm not interested anymore.

It's almost 2014. I'm not sad that I'm getting old. It's annoying that I have to go through harder things. They all tell me that you won't be successful if you don't have a goal or a dream. I tell them I don't. But sometimes I think I do. B.A.P is my goal, my inspiration, my ambition, my inspiration, and my dream. Maybe not just B.A.P but most of my bias groups and whatever I like. It's not I don't have anything I like. But that doesn't make me less human. 

Can I just spit it out here? Can people just act like they didn't see this part of this blog post? Or should I just not say it? I have Anemia. Like iron defficiency. They said it isn't as serious right now but If I don't do anything to treat it it will become serious. So my mom's been buying me iron vitamins and making me take centrum pills and so. When she gives them to me I don't take them or swallow them. I just take it in my hand and slide it down my sleeve or hide it under my tongue. Why should I prevent myself from dying?

Somehow God has responded because I made it my last chance.

I can do this.

I'm not afraid of Satan let him consider me to die today.

I can't be afraid.

That's not how I raised myself to be. My family raised me to be a coward. But I raised myself. I know what is wrong and what is right. 

That's my problem. I know too much.