It has been about 6 months since I wrote my previous blog post. I logged in today because I bought a laptop for myself for the first time ever and wanted to practice typing on it and getting used to the keyboard so here I am.

I saw that someone actually read my whole blog post and commented, but they deactivated and I guess I'll never be able to reply and appreciate them. But if you ever do come around again on here, thank you. I never thought I'd get a voice back to me.

During the month of march this year, it did not get any better. My life was getting so stressful. I did get into university, but I was not going to school. My life was slowly falling apart in my relationships with people, with my family included and my ever so close, future.

The first of April comes and there was the Easter Cantata showing at my church that night. I went because I, myself, am part of the youth choir and love watching and singing. As always after an event at church, there's food and refreshments downstairs. So I get food and end up sitting down to eat with some girl friends at church. They've been so close and spend alot of time together and I just for some reason felt left out. I didn't fit in so well being so introverted. 

Thankfully, two of my guy friends, Lorenz, one of my best friends and Bradley, my ex crush, came in to the resource room to save me. When I talked to them, I felt right. I fit in with them. So I decided I'd join them in the next room with all the other guys where I guess I belong. It was all good for the while that I was with them. But what ended up happening was that a guy who was hitting on me in the dms was also in the room and I tried my best to avoid conversation until Lorenz had to pick up a phone call. I talked to this guy for a couple of seconds to end my misery fast. It was getting late and I had to leave. Bradley didn't have a ride home so I offered him. Just like the past, except this time, I no longer had any feelings for him.

But before I left, an old childhood friend, Jed, approached me as I was on my way to exit. He said my name. He asked me, "Did anyone slide in your dms recently?" And I was so shook. I thought, how could he had known, was he a psychic? See, I had no one to tell about what had been going on in my life recently so the fact that he had probably noticed the seconds I was uncomfortable, had me, surprised?

Bradley had asked what that was all about on the way to dropping him home and I told him all about it. And this was the official closure  but also the very start of something that was coming for me, a new door that would be opened.

Later that night, Jed had messaged me about it, how I've been and what not. We had been close before years ago. We were only in grade 8 when we had crushes for each other, which I did not find out about until he confessed to me in grade 11, which didn't work out because one of my close girl friends really loved him. I wasn't interested in taking it further with Jed into a relationship or with anyone at the time so I let him go. We eventually stopped talking so often. But this would be our restart to our friendship.

Long story, short, we had a misunderstanding about WHO exactly was the guy who had "slid in my dms" which is so funny and stupid whenever I remember it. But it was a great start to catching up on life. He had been stressed with the clothing company he runs all by himself and never sleeps at night, and neither did I.

We ended up talking every day and every night from April 1st. I vented and he vented. One day, he told me that he had a defect hoodie he could give me for free and said he'd treat me to bubble tea and talk more in person. And of course me being me, I was down. He picked me up at school, and all my friends saw. But we went off. I told him about my story, about my dad. Jed is a great listener, and a great adviser. I will never forget that. We spent a good maybe 3-4 hours sitting at chatime, talking. And it was nice. We went on another bubble tea adventure but this time we let one of my best friends, Lean come along. Lean was going through things, was having suicidal issues. Jed isn't always around, living outside of Toronto, but he was there for Lean. Jed is an older brother who others respect and look up to. And how he was able to treat Lean and talk to him and get to his heart, I was happy. I couldn't do it myself as Lean's friend but I'm really glad that Jed made a difference.

I started falling in love with Jed. I fell in love with his heart. But I told myself to wait for him. Trust in God, and wait. It was already crazy that I was hanging out with a guy alone that wasn't Lean. I haven't been in a relationship since the seventh grade. But this was all happening and wanted to take things slow. I didn't want to rush into something and get myself hurt. Which I've done.

I couldn't figure out how Jed felt. But on April 10th at 5am, Jed confessed that he loves me. He confessed that whether or not he'll be my older brother or make me his wife, he wanted to be there for me. He didn't mention anything about my appearance in this letter, but only my character and who he's striving to be as a servant of God.

And I told him how I felt.

Three days later on April, Friday the Thirteenth of Two thousand eighteen, Jed and I got caught in the rain after school, we went into a bus shelter, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said yes. I held his hand for the first time and he was shaking. Not because it was chilly, but because he was so nervous he had never done this before.

My prayers had been answered since my previous blog post. I am loved and still being loved 6 months later. I'm documenting all this so I can come back here later and remember all this. God will give you what you need in his timing.

Jed and I call each other every night. As I type this post, he is currently snoring into my earbuds. God is the center of our relationship, and we value communication and what true love is.

In the past weeks, there has been gossip about us at church, and it ashames me. But whoever seeks the truth will be set free.

I am very happy with my life right now. I am working hard for the both us. I did not accept my university offer. It was not just because I didn't like the program, but it was not God's will for me. I am working for now and will start school next September.

I always never had a true dream. If you've read my old blog posts, you would know that well.

But now, 19 years later, I finally want to do something. I hope I get accepted into the program. I hope I can serve the Lord with the ambition I have in me.

I lost hope 6 years ago of anyone, anything coming through for me. Everyone's timing is different, and my life still isn't perfect, but things will be alright. Things will be tolerable, and life will be worth living just because He lives.

Leaves - Ben&Ben