Make way for the new King

Story By: Mekoinsanity

Reviewed By: StarlightTango

 

Title [Is your title eye catching? Does it match your story? How well does it attract readers]: 6/10

I would say that your title you chose could have been better. I’m a huge fan of Super Junior, and can I say that the title is from their song Gulliver? It’s not a bad title, because I can see the relation to the story, but does it really make people want to read the story?

When I first saw the title, I felt nothing. It was actually surprising to me because the title sounded like a cute, cliché story, but actually it’s not. It didn’t make me want to click on the story. Some reasons are because it already told me a few things about the story. It’s related to school in a way, there will be a new student that people notice, and he becomes the new king or something similar to it at least.

Another reason is because it didn’t sound creative enough. It’s not unique, and different. It doesn’t make people think. Because the title is the first thing that readers see, a good title is really important. But thank god you knew how to correctly capitalize words. You also didn’t use crazy, weird fonts that no one can read.

 

Description/Foreword [Are you properly describing your story? Is it too much, or too little? Does it give away just enough of the plot to make readers interested?]: 6/15

Interest level after reading the description? About 50%.

I really believe a good description is what makes people subscribe to you. This is a place for you to advertise, yes free advertisement, your story. So the question is…are you a good salesman saleswoman? If I was your boss your pay would have been cut in half.

Reason 1: You told too much! Do you think people would be interested if they know what’s going to happen? What’s the point of reading the story then? It’s good that you told about your plot, but next time just not so much.

Reason 2: It was boring. It didn’t seem like you were enjoying the story as an author. There was nothing that made me go ‘wow this sounds to funny!’ or ‘this is so sad, I must read this’, or even ‘so cute, I wonder what’s going to happen!’ If you aren’t enjoying the story, and making it sound interesting how do you expect the readers to enjoy it?

Reason 3: There were some grammatical errors. But I will go over them later on. But please do re-read! It never hurts, only helps.

So as you can see the description is quite important. I have nothing to say about your foreword, just that if you’re going to write an excerpt or prologue make it longer. Not just a few sentences. If you’re having troubles with writing (like me since I’m so crazy sometimes) I suggest you study a little more. Here are some places that I visit to understand things better.

1. { What Not to do } » AsianFanFics Story Tips

2. !Story writing: you're doing it WRONG

3. The Dream Oasis; Writing Tips

There are plenty more. Just search it with tags. I also have an example of a description that I really like. The story is called That Empty Bus Seat, which is a fairly good title. But the description is even better.

 

Appearance [Does the poster and background match the story? Is the font a good choice? Did you use colors that appeal to the eye?]: 3/5

First of all the poster and background didn’t really appeal to me. The pictures on the poster were blended weirdly, and there seemed to be too many people on it. It also would have been better if the background was simple, so it doesn’t distract the readers. But Ryeowook is so cute, and I can look at him all day!

I also liked that you didn’t change the font too much. It was easy to read, and the color was perfect! I didn’t have to scratch my eyes out. It was comfortable, and the size was good also.

 

Characterization [How well do your characters progress in the story? Do we understand your characters, and do they seem realistic? Are they believable, and can the readers connect with them?] : 13/15

I personally thought that this was your strongest point. Your characters were believable, and they had problems like normal people. None of them were perfect, and you wrote them well. I felt like I could relate to them. They were easy to understand, and I could get a good grasp on them.

Sungmin, and Yesung were just adorable. Yesung is my bias, so I freaked out when he was mentioned. Both of them had depth to them, and it seemed like their past was thought out well. Ryeowook, well he was also written well. All of your characters were strong, and I liked them a lot.

 

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary [Did you spell anything wrong? Is there any grammar mistakes? Are you constantly using the same words over and over again? How well are you describing your story]: 20/30

Your grammar isn’t too bad. I have seen others who need help, but I feel like you have a good grasp on it. You did seem to have a problem with their, there and they’re though. Their means that it belongs to them. There is like saying something is over there. They’re stands for they are. Also, please make sure to capitalize the first word of every sentence!

 But I’m just going to stop mumbling, and tell you what to fix. OR=original CR=correct

OR: his little group was made up of several boys standing alone in the smallest corner making everyone around them stand clear.

CR: His little group was made up of several boys that were standing alone in the smallest corner which made everyone around them stand clear.

OR: The others in his group are his brothers Lee Hyukjae and Lee Donghae, their together as in love.

CR: The others in his group are his brothers Lee Hyukjae and Lee Donghae, they’re together.

OR: Then there’s my group which is led by Kim Yesung, we are made up of Kim Kangin and Park Leeteuk, their oldest for us.

CR: Then there’s my group which is led by Kim Yesung. We are made up of Kim Kangin and Park Leeteuk who are the oldest.

OR: He wasn’t officially any member of the group, but just being under their watch seemed to keep the average students and even teachers away from me.

CR: I wasn’t officially a member of the group, but just being under their watch seemed to keep the average students, and even teachers away from me.

OR: I nodded to afraid to speak.

CR: I nodded too afraid to speak.

OR: After dressing, I left to find food and try and sleep.

CR: After dressing, I left to find food and tried to sleep.

OR: Come on, I have some extra cloths you could wear.

CR: Come on, I have some extra clothes you could wear.

OR: How had Yesung escaped this part of the torchure?

CR: How had Yesung escaped this part of the torture?

OR: Sungmin hyung, your worthless trash and should have died long ago.

CR: Sungmin hyung, you’re worthless trash and should have died long ago.

OR: Hopefully they could thaw eachother out and end this war.

CR: Hopefully they could thaw each other out and end this war. (Each other is TWO words, not ONE)

As for your spelling, it was pretty good. You still had some errors, but I think you know how to spell. Your vocabulary could use some work though. I suggest you keep a thesaurus by you so you can look up some words. Your writing isn’t amazing, but it’s pretty good.

 

Originality/Creativity [How different is your story from others? Is it creative, and does it interest the readers]: 5/10

Original? Not exactly. I have read way too many stories similar to this. The plot is quite common. But the fact that you had two different groups going against each other was a good idea. The Kings, and The Knights. It even sounds good together.

For creativity I would say it was okay. No story is the same as another, and I want to applaud you for adding some interesting stuff in your story. I still am going crazy because Kyuhyun got swapped for Ryeowook, but it was a good idea.

 

Plot Content/Flow [Is the story too fast? Too slow? What exactly are you writing about in your story? Are all your chapters’ fillers, or does it have an actual plot line]: 12/15

I thought that the plot even though it was overused was quite good. It really brought out some emotions, and I could feel myself get into the story. Things seemed to happen just a little too fast though. But overall I really liked the story. It really gets sad at the end, and I liked that. Which is weird, but I think it fit the story.

Even though I liked it I still can’t deny that the plot is cliché. It takes a lot of effort for the plot to be new and unique but I think you can do it if you try super hard! Here is a place that I go that helps me. It’s called Writer's Guide to Preserving Good Plots and it really is helpful.

Total: 65/100

Extra Help:

I believe that your writing isn’t all that bad. You know your stuff. I think it might be you that needs to improve. I know this sounds mean, and I also know that I have no right to say this, but I believe you lack inspiration.

The great writers enjoy writing. Do you notice at the beginning of every book there is a dedication section? Maybe you just lost or forgot you reason to write. I also have this problem. I’m so lazy, and sometimes I really don’t want to update. But when I read other’s story, I get a feeling of wanting to do better. It motivates me to write.

If you find something that makes you want to write I think that might help. You asked me to help because you said you thought that you’re failing them. Don’t…no NEVER think that way. It just makes you feel even worse. Take a break if you have to. Think about who makes you continue when you don’t want to. Try and impress them.

A lot of people often love and admire new things. But when they get old no one wants them anymore. This is like writing. When you first start off you have a lot of dreams. You want to succeed, and you love to write. But when you get used to writing you slowly feel like it’s not as exciting as it first was.

That is why I want you to find some inspiration. Tell yourself that you can do it. I took a look at your other stories, and most of them seemed to lack fun. Maybe you should try writing a different genre? How about something romantic, cute, and funny? Or a new group? I love super junior also, but why not try some other groups? Exo? Shinee? Big Bang?

I sounded crazy there didn’t I? I ranted again. Opps. But I hope this helps…I think its utter nonsense and maybe you did too hehehe, but I really liked your story. Never give up! I believe in you!