Egyptian Enterprise

Story By: Ajitofu

Reviewed By: -cream

 

Title: 4/5

I really only had one reaction when I first saw your title. I was confused. Maybe because it was because I dont normally see titles like this. I also was like "...". Well anyways I just wanted to say a few things. First of all I liked how the title was different and unique. It's not everyday that you come across something like this. So good job. I also couldn't tell what the story was going to be about from the title. It made me sort of interested and left me wondering what is going to happen. 

I also liked how used the 'E' twice. Alliteration? Hm...I thought it really added to the whole mysterious factor. Overall this was a pretty good choice for a title. It leaves your readers wanting to read more. I think your word choices(there were only two)helped a lot. When people see/hear the word enterprise most of them would think about $ and big buildings right? Or is it just me? Haha, anyways this was pretty good! One thing I didn't like was that I wasn't sure if the title fits the theme of this story, but I guess I will just have to find out then.

 

Description/Foreword: 1/5

I really didn't think you did a good job with this. I think the reason you got one point was because you wrote SOMETHING there. You also had some grammatical errors in your description. It wasn't really interesting, and it didn't grab my attention at all. You didn't even tell us anything about the plot. How will your readers know what your story is about (besides that it is a TaeNy fic and its genre)?

This is really an important part of life your story. It either makes your reader continue reading or make them click the back button. You had such a nice title, and when I saw your description I was quite disappointed. Maybe you just don't know what to put in a description? I suggest you look at some writing tips here. There are a lot of them.

 

Originality: 10/10

BEST THING EVER. It was fresh, and new. Something that people don't normally write about. I really liked this! Who would have thought a story about Egyptian queens, and their countess would be to fun?

 

Story Flow: 8/10

Overall it was very good. But sometimes I wished you would slow things down a bit. Explain some parts more. This story is really interesting, and reading more would have been nice. But I guess since many cute and fun things happened it made up for it.

 

Storyline/Characters: 26/30

I found your storyline to be quite entertaining. It was really packed with action, and things to keep the readers interested. I liked the part where Taeyeon broke Tiffany's phone because she thought a cat was stuck inside! It was funny. I think you portrayed Taeyeon really well. The way she acted, and the way she spoke made her seem like a queen. She seemed very poised, and calm.

Tiffany on the other hand, I thought could have used more work. She seemed very bland, and would follow to Taeyeon's every command. I guess it would make sense since Taeyeon is the queen, but try not to overdo it.

 

Grammar/Writing: 18/20

Your grammar is really good, once again. I found it easy to read and the story was quite enjoyable. If I were to point out one thing, not that it's very important, was the way you write. I think your writing style is better suited for more sad, angsty type of stories. This story seemed at times...awkward? I don't know...maybe im just going crazy, but yeah...

 

Is it clear Enough?: 5/5

Nothing to say really. The font was good, size ect was perfectly fine.

 

Reviewer's comments/Bonus: 10/15

I had fun reading this story. I found myself laughing at Taeyeon's clueless ness? Hahaha~ I loved the halloween epilogue the best!

 

Total: 82/100