The Evil One in Cinderella

Story by: sdrimnida

Reviewed by: StarlightTango

 

Title: 4/5

I found your title to be quite eye catching. It really made me want to read your story. But it doesn't seem to connect to your story. How does the title relate to your story? I guess this shouldn't matter since you have only written two chapters, but make sure in later chapters to let the readers know why you chose 'The Evil One in Cinderella' as a title instead of something else. You explained it a little but in chapter one and two, but I think you need more.

 

Description/Foreword: 6/10

What you wrote in your description was all wrong. It should have been in the foreword. While the stuff you wrote in the foreword belongs in the description. The description is a place to tell the readers what your story is going to be about. Its where you make them want to read your story. From what you wrote in the description I knew nothing about your story. Just some characters which should have been in the foreword. The description is an importance place. Don't forget that. Your foreword also has some grammatical errors, but I will cover that later. From your description/foreword I felt no interest to read your story. The title was quite good, and it kind of disappointed me when i read what you wrote in the description/foreword.

 

Originality: 10/15

I felt that it was pretty original considering that your writing about the evil one instead of the good one in a princess story. But i since you only wrote two chapters I couldn't really tell how original it's going to be. I suggest you ask for another review once you wrote more of your story, because this might not be fair considering that I had to judge originality based on two chapters.

 

Plot/Flow of the story: 18/20

From what I read its pretty good so far. I really liked the plot. It's funny and interesting! The flow is alright. Sometimes its a bit slow though. I found myself scrolling down too fast because i was getting bored. If you're going to make things slow, try to add something that keeps the reader entertained. Humor?

 

Characterization: 7/10

Not bad. I quite liked your characters. Himchan is so funny! His personality is really cool and mysterious. But also cliche. Hyelim seems kind of bipolar? I don't seem to understand her. She's sad, then happy, then angry, then happy again? Wow...doesn't seem human does it? I suggest you try making your characters seem more believable. So your readers can connect to your characters better.

 

Grammar/Spelling: 16/20

Overall your grammar is really good. But you seem to have a hard with past/present tense. You kept switching things up and I was often lost when reading your story. It really bothered me. If it already happened use 'ed' if its currently happening use 'ing'. But besides that your spelling was good. You also wrote with paragraphs which I love!

 

Writing Style: 13/15

You have an interesting way to write. It wasn't anything impressive, but it wasnt bad either. It was...normal? Something that people normally see. I suggest you try broadening your vocabulary. Or maybe write with more detail? Try useing the senses when you write. It might make the reader connect to your story better.

 

Overall Enjoyment: 15/20

It wasn't bad. But not something that i really liked. It probably just wasn't my type of story. I slightly enjoyed it, but i couldnt really get into your story. I wasn't engaged, and it didn't make me want to beg for more.

 

Extras: 1/5

The poster is really pretty^^ It fits the story well with its slightly magical look. Im a huge fan of BAP! Also Hello Venus is my favorite female rookie group. Its a new pairing for me, but i like it!

 

Total: 90/120