Freelance

Story By: WildLioness

Reviewed By: StarlightTango

 

Title: 3/5

I thought you did a fairly good job with choosing the title. It relates to your story, and we get a little peak of what your story is about. It doesn't reveal too much, and is to the point. But your title didn't evoke any emotion in me. It didn't connect with me, and i didn't know what type of genre this story is going to be about. I knew what freelance meant, but others who don't might not be interesting in clicking on your story because they don't know the meaning of the word.

 

Description/Foreword: 5/15

First of all your description wasn't that well done. It was five sentences that didn't tell me much at all. I think you might have wanted to make it sound more dramatic if it only had five sentences, but it only make me not want to read your story. The description is one of the most important part of the story. It's the point where your readers decide to stay or leave. From your description, as a reader i would have pressed the back button. It didn't attract me, and make me want to read more. It was plain, and kind of dull.

On your foreword you had a description of the word 'freelance' which irked me. It didn't seem as if it belonged there, but i do see why you put it there. The rest was just credits, some notes which I'm sure no one reads so why have it clog up the page? The whole 'Take Note' is really not necessary. I read what you put under there, and it wasn't that important.

 

Appearance: 3/5

The poster was real pretty. It sort of matched with the theme of the story, and the pictures seemed to fit also. I recommend not using so many different font though. It's irritating, and bothersome. It would make things look neater, and more professional. I also recommend a different font. Something more elegant, like Georgia. The ones your using doesn't go well with the story. Also, maybe having a background would be nice also. The white doesn't go well with this theme.

 

Characterization: 8/15

Your characters weren't that interesting or new. I felt like they were all over the pace, and uncontrollable. There wasn't anything that made them a character that would stand out, or grab your attention. You also switched POV's between Jiyong, Seunghyun, and Dara a lot, so i felt lost sometimes. When i'm starting to understand one character, another one shows up and i forget about the last one. It kept going in a circle, and i was wondering to myself who am i reading about again?

 

Writing Style/Format: 5/10

The way you write is not bad, but nothing special either. I think the way you're delivering your story is a bit bland. You also used a lot of dialog, which might lose the interest of your readers. I suggest using more detail, and making the story more vivid. With these types of stories, it's much more interesting when the reader can visualize your story. It will engage them, and want them to read more.

 

Grammar/Spelling: 15/25

There were careless mistakes in your story. Your grammar overall though wasn't bad. It just wasn't good either. You should use more commas. When i was reading your story, sometimes i was confused because you forgot the commas. Also don't add (an action) in your story. Like on chapter one you had: "I'm (sniffle) still alive D." It makes you look unprofessional. You can use words to describe the sniffle instead of writing it. You also didn't use the correct past/present tense in your story. Make sure to look those over. There were also lots of run-on sentences in your story. If there are two different things, then use two different sentences!

 

Originality/Creativity: 7/10

I have read countless of stories similar to this. The plot is overused and predicable. But with your story, it somehow seemed different. I enjoyed reading this, and not knowing what will happen next. But i do suggest adding some things that would shock, or evoke emotion from your readers. I didn't feel any emotion while reading this, and i wasn't really engaged in your story.

 

Plot/Flow: 12/15

You did a fairly good job with the pace of your story. Some parts i would have liked to have more, but overall it was nice. I suggest writing more about the important stuff. Use lot of detail to explain the importance of the part.

 

Total: 48/100

 

Bonus: 2/5

I'm a fan of Big Bang, and i love reading their stories! Keep up the good work, and make sure to let the readers visualize your story!

 

New total: 50/100