Hello Daddy!

Story By: azn_angel242

Review By: StarlightTango

 

Title: 3/5

I thought that your title was really cute. But it didn't really leave me any room to wonder what your story was going to be about. I could tell right away that it had something to do with a child, and a father. It was also kind of cheesy, cliche, and overused. It's an ok title, but was boring and not something new that attracted me. At first it reminded me of the show 'Hello Baby'. I love that show!

 

Description/Forward: 7/15

For your description you put a character profile thingy. It belongs in the forward, and ONLY the forwards. A description is a more professional place where you DESCRIBE your story to the readers. Your description didn't make me interested, and told me nothing about your story. The stuff in your forward should have been in the description section. I also noticed that when you wrote the forward you had short sentences. It made it sound a bit choppy and it didn't flow nicely. Also, it told too much. You practically left no reason for the readers to continue reading. Why? Because you already told them everything that is going to happen. Even though you added the 'But what happens when Yoogeun's biological father returns?' it didn't quite have enough umpf for the readers to want to know what happens. I suggest you not telling the whole plot, and just tell a few things that would make your story stand out from others. Also write some longer sentences to keep the readers interested.

 

Appearance: 4/5

I love the poster! It's pretty, the colors go well with each other and it the pictures seems to match the theme! The poster kind of reminded me of a watermelon. The pink and green...i want to eat some now! Anyways back to the appearance...you used a nice font and colors the didn't hurt my eyes!

 

Characterization: 17/20

Yoogeun is so cute in here! I love that baby and thought that you did a good job writing him. He acted like how a normal child would, which is nice. He's such a cute little boy. I actually like Jessica in this story. She's different than her normal ice queen persona, which is a nice change. Onew...well lets say he's the world's most perfect guy! I seriously love that chicken loving guy. Anyways Onew was so nice and caring! I thought you did a good job portraying your characters.

 

Writing Style/Format: 5/10

You have a interesting way of writing. But please, don't add pictures in the middle of the story. They interrupt the flow of things, and is just a bother. Plus you also bolded the speaking lines. Which bothered me, because it's not necessary. I suggest some a variety of sentence lengths. A lot of your sentences were short, and once again it seemed choppy.

 

Grammar/Spelling: 20/20

You have really good English. I found no mistakes in spelling or grammar. Good job!

 

Plot/Flow: 12/15

Overall it was just a little fast. Not much, but try to slow down and write more. Describe things more. Make us 'the readers' understand better. But besides that I think it's fine.

 

Total: 68/100

 

Bonus: 2/5

I love this pair...its too cute! Plus you added a baby! Even cuter!

 

New Total: 70/100