What do I do?

It's been 4 days since my parents came and what have we done since then? What have we accomplished in those four days? Absolutely none. All we did was fight, disagree, turn away from each other upset, stayed together without wanting to be together. 

When I imagined them coming over, this wasn't what I imagined. What I wanted was...

First, I thought my mom would be as strong as she sounded on the phone when I called her crying. I thought she would take the time to read the entries I gave her; I thought she would think about it deeply and try to focus what was really wrong with me. I thought she would come to me to address some of the issues that came up in the entries (because we all know there was a sh itload of issues in them) and that we would work out some of the answers to the millions of questions running around inside my head. I thought she would ask to look at what I had done in school so far, and we could discuss if I really enjoy doing all this and whether or not I have the talent that's neccessary to pursue a career in the arts. I thought we would debate of staying at U of T or transferring to UBC or applying for an art university. I thought she would be part of the process where I figure my s hit out. I thought she would be able to lead me to the right path.

But what the hell is this?

She hasn't even read what I gave her. She hasn't even asked to see my work. She hasn't even asked what I wanted to do in the future. She hasn't done anything except clean the house, fill the fridge, and clean the house again.

She came here as broken and fragile and chased down by an invisible shadow, exactly as how I left her.

Why hasn't she read it? I made the effort to write it. I made the decision to allow her inside my mind, to reveal more of myself to her than I would ever feel comfortable. You know what an incredible choice that is for me? I made the f ucking effort and she's stepped on it. It makes me so, so mad.

She's always made me so... so mad. 

It's devastating that I can't communicate with her unless I'm totally and absolutely torn apart. That she's not willing to push aside what she thinks long enough to help me. And that I don't have that patience to try and weed through her incredulous thoughts to talk to her, my mother. It's devastating, because I want so badly for us to be like a normal family. To feel like a real family. Right now, it seems more like we're staying by each other because we're family, not that we're family because we want to stay together. Which, if you think about it, should really work both ways. But we don't. 

We're your dysfunctional family at it's finest.

What can I do?

I need my mother.

I'm a child that's lost her way through the world, and I need a parent to put me on the right track again. I need someone who's rational, mature, and dependable.

But she's just not there for me.

Why did she bother coming all the way here if her only purpose was to smother us with her stubbornness? Didn't she come here for us? For me? To help put me back on my feet?

Then why... 

Then why...

The room doors don't need to be closed. People can go away for vacations without a purpose. There aren't any hidden messages on TV that my dad is watching for; he stays to watch tv because he enjoys the show, or because he needs the noise to fill the silence. I'm not glued to the front of my computer because some mysterious person is commanding me to act a certain way; I'm glued to the computer because 1) I write on here and 2) I was organzing my music, which is a very tedious process, to go through 700+ songs. She didn't order curry rice, she ordered fried rice - a mistake she made, not that anyone was meddling with her food. She doesn't need to eat anything she doesn't want to. She doesn't need to be back home by a certain time, like 5; she has the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants, at her very own leisure. So why is she always being chased down? Why is she always on edge? My dad could trip on the sidewalk, and I could fall down along with him; that is what normal people call an accident, not that anyone pushed us or cursed us to fall. Las Vegas and Los Angelos (LA) are in completely different states - I proved her assumptions wrong. Wasn't she the one that said so-and-so was in LA, so G must have gone there to meet up with them? But when I told her - corrected her - that G went to Las Vegas, not LA, she twisted yet again and pointed to gambling as a threat. NO. The world doesn't work that way. Coincidences do exist. Beggars on the streets aren't actually spies in disguise, hired to stalk her. There are mentally unstable people in Toronto that talk to random people for no reason ALL the time, and they aren't spies either. Nobody in the elevator is going to attack us, so she doesn't need to form a wall between others and me. Because honestly, if they really were sent to kill us, a middle aged woman isn't going to stop them. Standing between us won't do a f ucking single thing to stop them. There is no reason to run down the mall; sure, we could speed walk because we want to buy something quickly and get back, but we are not being chased. We are our own person. Nobody is controlling us. We could drink alcohol if we want to. We can walk with whoever we want. Colours don't mean a thing. Being dirty or disorganized is our own choice. Nobody is coming in and out of our home without us knowing. There are cameras installed in the hallways of the condo. Nobody's going to poison our food. There is no possible way you can replace a person, or dog when they've already grown to adults. There's just no possible way. Who is my mom constantly fearing?

As much as I could be diagnosed with a mental disorder - depression and anxiety - I think my mom is just as highly delusional. These things she believes... She's pushing us - dad, my brother (R) and me - on her own will, and she thinks someone else has told us to behave this way. No. We're angry at her because she tells us to do things that don't make logical sense.

Dad deals with her by shouting at her, telling her everything she thinks is wrong, bluntly without explaining.

R deals with it by keeping silent and nodding yes without really agreeing with her at all.

So how am I supposed to do deal with her? How am I supposed to respond? R's method doesn't work with me; I just don't have the patience for it. To completely ignore her like dad does breaks my heart. So what am I supposed to do? Nowadays, I just absolutely refuse to comply with what she says when I feel it's not what she wants to do, but what she believes she's supposed to do. It follows a pattern. After the first few refusals, she panics and growls at me, telling me to just do as she says. Hah. Really? To a grown nineteen year old, that's her best method? But I still hold my ground, asking her to provide a solid reason for why I have to do as she says. Of course, she can't. I honestly believe she's pretty close to landing a slap across my face at that point, but to give in to her then would mean that I was accepting what she believed. Which I don't. Then she changes her tactic. She says she's begging me. She's begging me to comply with her. What a low, cheap shot. She brings herself lower, so I feel sorrier and thus, listen to her. But I don't give in. She lies then, at the moment of desperation, that she's asking me to do something because she wants it. I call bullsh it on that.

I'm not antagonzing her on purpose. She's antagonizing herself, and me, and everyone else. But she doesn't see it, because she's too busy watching out for anything to mingle into her web of forced coincidences. 

I just want my old mom back. Not the way she is now - with her unexplainable actions, with her stranger mutterings as she does the dishes, with her constant way of running away from something, with her irrationality - but I want a mom that I can trust to be reasonable. Because I am feeling so lost right now.

So. Incredibly. Lost.

I just wish my mom would see that sometimes, things happen for no reason at all. That sometimes, the problem comes from within us, not because someone from the outside caused it. She can't keep blaming everything on someone that doesn't exist because she can't accept the fact that our family is screwed up, because, well, everybody screws up at least once in their life. It just happened that all four of us ended screwing up at the same time. 

But she never listens to me. She hears the words I say, but she doesn't take them to heart. She only tells me I'm too young, that I don't know anything, that I don't understand so I should just shut up and follow what she says. She says she's listening, but she's not really listening. You're not really listening if you don't take the conscious effort to analyze the other person's words and where they're coming from. It's a process that takes more than a few seconds. But my mom just spits back her thoughts before I even finished what I wanted to say, telling me I'm wrong. 

It is so frustrating being with her, but it's even more so knowing that I need her. 

I need her, but not in the way she thinks I need her. I don't need her to protect me from anything - there is nothing to protect me from. I need her to guide me, to help me think out my future and how I should live my life. 

I want to talk to her, to open up to her, but I fear she might just bulldoze right through all that with her own opinions, like she has done so many times before. We don't discuss - she talks and I listen.

Nothing's been solved.

The moment they leave, the moment Tuesday rolls around, I'll be back to waking up at 6 in the morning with a pounding heart and a twisting stomach and crying on my way to school because I haven't figured anything out. Because nothing was accomplished.

I'm nervous... And scared for that moment.

I dread tomorrow and the day after and the day after. 

Nothing's going right.

Nothing's going right.