Hm. So I decided to stop posting on here in case I was bothering anybody, but my blog isn't set up yet and I was dying to write so...

I guess Part 20 will be my last blog post on AFF! Hurrah, you can stop reading my whining.

I have an oral presentation I have to do on Tuesday that I haven't prepared for at all.

I was planning on dropping English, but that required me to email my old professor to send me a course outline and I haven't talked to her since the end of first year and I couldn't stand the social awkwardness that came with that... so I decided to stick with it.

But I really... really...

Don't want to do it. 

I've started to think about next year again, 'cause I can't put it off forever, and that's really adding to these creeping feelings of crappyness and anxiety. My mom said that I should do what my heart tells me to do.

But how do I know what that is?

To be honest, right now, I want to apply to UBC and finish my degree with my friends and with my mom within 2 hours reach. But that comes with a tail - and that tail is having to face the people I used to know in high school and my parent's friends, and my friends' parents and all their stupid judgemental views on how far I've fallen and how I couldn't stand up to life and how it managed to knock me down like this. And it also means leaving R and G, both who I've come to adore and cherish their presence. 

Thinking about even starting applications is getting me on my nerves; thinking about whether I'll get accepted or not gets me on edge.

Anyways. I supposed I could put those thoughts off for a litle longer.

But the problem is my oral presenation. And all the assignments due this week and next week... and I just don't want to do it. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life.

And I mean that in the most detached way possible. Some people grow up to make some contribution - they become architects, accountants, dentists, doctors, businessmen....

But I don't see myself in any of those skins. It poses as a huge problem for me, because... well... I just don't know. And as much as you are probably sick and tired of hearing that, I'm sick and tired of saying it: I don't know.

I suppose I should just it up and write it; I suppose that's what I'll end up doing tomorrow night anyway. But right now... 

Honestly, the worst thing that could happen is that I tell the instructor that I'm not ready and she'll probably let me off to do it another week. But I've already postponed it via email from last week I don't want to do it again.

I guess I'm really not over this anxiety thing at all, even if I'm a tad bit better. It's still there, and that makes me concerned for next year. I called mom, and she tells me there's no point in worrying now and that when I'm actually facing the situation, I'll go with the flow like water and manage to pull through.

She makes sense but I still have my doubts, but a lot of that's coming from loss of direction and loss of self faith.

I just. I want to be something, I just don't know what.

What the hell do I do about this week?

I feel like crying. I felt like mini breakdowns all throughout the day, even though I've tried to distract myself and laughed and whatnot. 

The difference now is that there's the tiniest little voice in the back of my head that's telling me it's not the end of the world, which I didn't have before. But this feeling of doom in the pit of my stomach hasn't gone away, or this sense of dying motivation from high anxiety hasn't disappeared either. 

It's not a big deal; it's not a big deal; it's not a big deal.

I'll be a rebel student for a semester. I try it out and see what it feels like and what happenes when I don't do work. I...

I should go sleep. But I have a feeling I'll wake up early tomorrow.

What should I do about how I'm feeling? Why won't it ever go away? Adjlkashdguwjd

Okay. no. I won't end it on a note like that. Let's try to conclude to something.

Tomorrow, I'll figure out what I'll say during the morning. I'll do digital imaging hw at lunch. I'll write it after I come home. I'll present it on Tuesday.

OR, worst case scenario, I'll email the instructor in the morning saying I'm not ready, what should I do and she'll fairly nice and forgiving so something'll happen. 

OR worst terrible case scenario, I'll skip class and end up doing it next week automatically.

EITHER WAY, I just need a pass and I'm sure I can manage that, even with a crappy mark on this presentation.

F uck, it' just frustrates me that I used to be able to handle a more difficult assignment/project in high school and I did it naturally without freaking out about it like this. I used to write my speeches the night before and present it and still do decently I used to be able to do all these things but I've withered down to this blubbering, shaken, broken glass of a person and I hate it. I really hate it. 

I used to be stronger. 

Crap, now I'm really going to cry.

It just , because I know this is nothing, but it still feels like it weighs a ton and that I can't do it. Or I can't do it well enough. I have these expectations of how well I should be doing and I'm so scared that I won't be able to meet them. I'm so worried and axious and scared that I'll let myself down - that I'll be disappointed in myself. 

Because I've been disappointed with myself and what I've achieved (or haven't achieved) for that past two years, I don't want to anymore. I want to be proud of something about myself and I can't find it... Here I am, crying again over a presentation that I've procrastinatied on that in the long run, isn't worth much. 

Maybe I have that "I hate myself" mentality.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow.

I'll wing it. 

F uck, if it ends up that I can't do it, I won't do it. 

It's not the end of the world.