Yo!

1.34am.

I finished my painting! Although I haven't done my map sketch yet, neither have some of my classmates so I think I'll be okay. I haven't emailed U of T either so.. I don't know if I'm suppose to go to my english class on tuesday or not. Suppose I'll talk to the coordinator tomorrow...

Ah, well, let's start from the beginning.

I woke up around 6am today again. Probably because I was worried about the painting. But fell asleep again until 11am. Ate brunch with G. Started to work on my painting. Worked on it while G and R watched Constatine, the movie. Decided at 5pm that the painting wasn't turning out so well. Took a break. G and R went to T&T. Started texting with a classmate. Started a fresh new painting. Ate dinner at 8pm ish. Worked on the painting while G and R watched Titantic. Nearly finished painting. Sang happy birthday and ate cake for G's birthday. Finished painting. Cleaned up. Showered. And here I am.

I'm quite happy at the moment, though well... I feel like I'm on loop. I never know how long this happiness is going to last. Yesterday, my stomach was doing flips because I was anxious about my painting and emailing U of T and applying to UBC all the stuff like that.

Sigh. It's an emotional rollercoaster, really. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow morning I'll be dying agian.

I might want to talk to B about psychology at UBC though, since she's majoring in it and I'm kind of interested.

So recently. More like today. I've come across the blog of a classmate, that I'm not really close to. And she blogs about a social anxiety disorder and about being depressed.

Sound familiar? Hint hint. Well, I'm fine socially. My anxiety comes from my tendency to worry about the future and the pressures of making the right decisions now. 'Cause I feel like I shouldn't screw up. And that sprinkles into depression.

Agh. Thinking about it got me low again... 

Reminder of the day: I can afford to get lost a bit in my youth. Mistakes are a part of life. Learning is a process.

Right. Better. 

Anyways, time is really a factor for me, because... well... it's flying by quite fast and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. 

Wait wait, that wasn't the point a brought this up.

Anyways, compared to my old friends... the ones I grew up with in high school - where we got upset because we got under 90% on an test, where it was expected of us to go to prestigious universities, where we understood calculus jokes, where we volunteered regularly, where we were outgoing and social, where we had our lives together, despite all the teenage drama. They were impressive, and I was one of them. Compared to them, I felt like the people I knew in college were rather...

What's a way to put this nicely, without sounding like a total douch e? 

From the perspective of someone who has been to university and is attending college, I've felt since the beginning of September that people in university had more fire and life. They had ambition, and they had pride. But they were alert and eager and youthful. Now that I look back on it, that's quite a nice quality. When I'm in college, the people are more... withdrawn? Not driven enough? More like a calm lake verses and an ocean like university. 

I suppose background has a lot to do with it. If you have the grades to get into university, it means you've been trained since high school to push at yourself, whether it be because of your parents or to keep up with your friends or what not. While community college, I feel like it's more of a gateway for people who hadn't been driven (or lazy) in high school to get to a better career or job. 

So, honestly speaking, you could say that I think my friends at college can be a little withdrawn or a little socially awkward or maybe they don't get the same jokes my old friends would or reply just as snappily with wit. Calm water, like I said.

But then again, I have also become like that after my decline since high school graduation. Living with this anxiety and not working my brain for two years has probably down-witted me some. And I admit I'm fragile. That's why I also think it's a good thing to be here - to kind of build that endurance again. I guess I belong there, in a way.

(It's also the reason behind my decision to take out my bio/chem textbooks again)

While all the same, I don't want to belong here. I want to be in university. I want to be... active. Driven. Ambitious. Young. Youtful. Energized. 

Ah, energy. That's a good way to put it. People in university have a lot of energy. Less so in college.

I don't want to belong here. I want to belong in university - I want to be a part of that society. Witty. Smart. Engaging. Independant. Strong.

I guess it makes it worse because I was a part of that community before, so I want to go back. Hm. Food for thought.

Anyways, I was just surprised while I was browsing through her blog because she has anxiety like I do. And she blogs about it, which is kind of like what I do too, here on AFF. And I realize there's a reason for people to attend college, whether they haven't worked hard enough or they have emotional issues like me or yea... I see these connections, and I can't help but feel like I want to cut them. I don't want to relate, because I want to be able to relate to people in univeristy. Which is totally pigheaded if you think about it. 

The thing I most certainly agree on is that people in college are really nice. They aren't overly competitive and want to knock you down. They're accepting to a large degree. Theyre not judgemental. They're nice.

But I still miss my old friends.  With that wonderful spark.

I'm worried that if I stay around for a whole year, that I'll become like them more so than my old friends. It's true when they say you get influenced by the people around you. You do. That's why I'm worried. I think I still have that spark in me if I can get past this anxiety thing and I don't want to become... mellow. 

Sigh.

This is all just starting to sound like bs, isn't it? It does to me.

People go to university from college all the time. And vice versa. There is no significant difference you can separate into dichotomies like that. But it's still true, I think - it's still there, that very subtle difference. 

I suppose it's a little bit of my personal pride speaking as well.

And I know I'm not over my anxiety/depression. I'm still considering counselling if I don't get better before Christmas, and for next year, when I go back to university.

Anyways, I should get to sleep. 

I feel a little down now... Much more than when I finally finished my painting. Why did I do this to myself? Why? Sigh.

I wonder how tomorrow will go.

I love being around G and R, just as a side note. Heh.

And, on another note, BYG's teaser photo was revealed. Absolute LOVE.