2.18 am on a Saturday night.

The room is dark, the screen of the computer providing the only source of light.

It's raining outside; the streets are soaked.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ah... this is a moment of bliss.

There's so much running around in my mind still, but right now... In the middle of this night, I feel content to be just... here.

Of course, tomorrow will be a whole different story. I'll be needing to finish a painting, a map sketch, needing to email U of T to send a transcript to Centennial, and start applications to UBC and I'll probably stay up the whole night tomorrow.

But I'm quite... content right now.

It's just... really nice.

To be in the dark. To listen to cuddly music. To occasionally stare out the window to the city lights. To write.

What a privilage. What a gift.

I suppose it's moments like this that you really live for. It's moments like this that makes all the other s hit worth going through.

If time stopped... right now. If we just froze in this moment in time, and fade away as they do at the end of a drama or the end of a movie...

I'd be satsified with that ending.

 

 

All of yesterday, I pretty much slept and slept. I woke up crying at noon; I had a nightmare of sorts. In my dream, my dad had passed away and my mother - paranoid as ever - would blame me for it. She would keep believing that it was possible to bring him back. And I was going through all these photos of my dad... Desperately praying and praying and praying for him to come back. Even though I knew there was no way, that only a 0.000001% chance of him coming back, all I could do was pray. And all the things I never did, never listened for, never cared for came rushing at me. Ah... It was really heart ripping. I had a similar nightmare with my brother and mother once; my brother had become a vegetable from a car crash and my mother had become lost in another realm or something. I remember being absolutely torn apart then too. Maybe it's a signal I've come to accept my dad more? But man... That pain of losing somone you love... It's really hard to grasp until it's really happened (or at least in a dream). Anyways, after I ate a bowl of cereal, came online for a bit, then went back to sleep from two to five. R and G took me out to eat dinner and then we came home to watch a drama - Reply 1997 - and I had an awesome time. The drama is amazing.

Today... I woke up fine. No dreams. R and G went out. I took out my old biology and chemistry books from the laundry room so I can take a look at them. THen I got dressed and headed out to meet my friends from college. We went to the theatres to watch Looper, which is another amazing movie. When the movie ended, there was this heavy silence that hung in the air. A movie is pretty good if it can have that effect on its audience, eh? But uhm... since it is a time travelling movie, it kind of made me think about myself and my actions now verses my future self and how the flow of events really go. Not that I was able to go very far with that thought; it's hard. Uhm... After that we went to eat at Jack Astor's. Then I came home. It rained lightly. I was so happy - I love rain. Love it. I talked online with E for a little bit and thennn... R came home. Killed time some more. Then G came home and we finished the drama. I'm actually so sad it ended... I want to watch it again, which is amazing because I'm not the type to watch things twice. Showered. Talked with G a little bit. And now I'm here - in this state of bliss. 

Ah... I'm turning 20 in two months. Two months... 20 and I've only completed first year of school, maybe. Thinking about it like that makes me really sad. But I suppose it's not really a big deal. I can afford to get a little lost on the way, right? I'm trying hard to be optimistic these days. Doesn't always work, but it takes time, right? Hm... I'm quite scared, really. Everything's just happening so fast and things are changing so much... And ever since I graduated, I couldn't really deal with it properly. 

I think... I've kind of decided on a few things. That I want to finish this program and get the certificate. That I want to go to UBC next year with my friends. That I should complete my undergrad Bachelor's degree, whatever it may be. Then I can really start to chase what I want. I know I want a degree from either UBC or U of T, if only just to stand straight a little and prove to myself that I was smart enough to graduate. As pretentious and shallow as it may be, it's how I had been hardwired since high school. I want my parents to be able to say proudly - oh my daughter graduated from UBC/U of T and I want to be able to say it too. I just need that back-up to stand proudly with my head in the air. I think that's what I want. 

I'm still blurry on the details of it all, but I think that's where I'm veering towards.

It's okay, right? It'll be okay, right? Tell me it is. 

I think I just need someone to assure me. Because I feel like my choices have led me in the wrong direction so many times before, I feel like I can't trust it anymore. So I keep second guessing myself whenever I decide on something. Once that happens, it's hell all over again. I just need someone to believe in me, I guess, because I can't believe in myself anymore. I wanted Mom to do that for me - tell me to stick with it, that I can do it, that I can win it, and even if I don't, it's okay. I suppose she did, but I may have needed more than what she provided. I needed a track on loop. 

But she's my mother still. If I think about it, a warm hug from her was all I ever needed throughout high school. And it's all I really want every now and then when I feel down. A nice loving hug. 

It's hard being where I am now. It was hard to admit I had a problem in the beginning. Now it's hard to believe that my illness is real. At times, I'm convinced I'm just being a p ussy and whining like a baby. It doesn't seem real. But my anxiety is still there, right? That's why I still worry so much. If I let myself, I could get overwhelmed all over again. I just... My anxiety/depression is real, right? It's reasonable for it to be a problem, right? Does that make sense? Agh. It's only bearable when I realize I have a problem, not when I think I"m overreacting.

Sigh... I still have a moutainload to figure out. A lot of self confidence and self faith to build up. A lot of happiness and youth the catch up on. A lot of maturing to do. A lot of pain to endure. Am I ready for it?

Hm.

Hmm.

Let's just see how it goes. Like, right now, my side is killing me and my eyes are closing, so I should go sleep. And I'll do my homework when I wake up.

Ah... Tonight, let's just not think anymore and go to sleep.

Le'ts do that.

I'll figure stuff out tomorrow. Procrastination, maybe. But happiness is so fleeting for me, I want to prolong this how I can. 

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll deal with the serious things. And if I'm not up for it tomorrow - if I start to break down tomorrow from tonight's procrastination - well then... I'll worry about it the day after. Because... To me - as I am  - I think it's important to focus on the current moment, on now, rather than think and think and think myself into anxiety and depression.

Right?

:)