Monday Night. 1:04am.

I started homework at like, 11:30pm today, took about an hour to finish. Did a little reading on AFF and now I'm here.

Today was alright. I had moments when my heart sped up a little and when my cheeks flushed red from panic but overall, it wasn't bad. Still I was extremely antsy to go home by the end of the day. 

"Accomplisment of the Day": the instructor for my colour class said that my greyscale drawing project looked beautiful today, yay. And when we did like, a group critique/vote for our image sequencing project, mine got voted within the top two, yay! (although, I really liked the project of the other person's that got voted on as well much more than mine). Uhm. So. Yea. I think that wraps up the feel-goods about today. lol. not much really, but I'll grab onto whatever straws I can.

I have a reading quiz tomorrow. And the homework I did today was bascially put together a powerpoint and do some research about landmarks in Toronto... and, I don't know. I was doing it but I couldn't help but feel that it was all so... so... stupid, you know? I have to admit - this is college and there's people from outside the country taking the classes and so on and so forth - so it might have been a great project for them. Get to know the place a little. And a lot of people have rested school for 2-3 years so they might need that gradual start to get studies into gear. BUT while I'm doing it, I'm just feeling... a little empty, do you understand? This is stuff I would have done in middle school. I think I did do this in middle school, except about a country called Yemen instead of Toronto. And even that one was more vigiourous than this thing I did today because you had to site your sources, etc.

It just seems so unprofessional, and it kind of ticks me.

OKAY. Granted, I came to college because I couldn't stand the pressures of how demanding university was during second year. But then, in university, it was expected of you to check your online resources, bring materials to class... It was expected of you to put your own sh it together. It was expected that you knew how to put together a powerpoint presentation (god forbid they actually assign a project like that in uni), that you knew how to public speak, that you know how to write adequetly. It was expected of you to know how to do things so it didn't seem like a grade-schooler put it together.

Now I love my new friends - they're all just awesome people with such accepting and caring hearts and they're so friendly too. But - take this project, for example - they aren't really concerned about it at all. I remember in high school, if we were assigned to do a group powerpoint project, there was an order of things you followed: dividing up the work, putting together the powerpoint, dividing up the parts each person was going to present, practicing the presentation. Right? But the thing is due tomorrow - and the instructor asked us to do some basic research about the landmarks too - and the only thing they seem to be thinking about is narrowing down the pictures and having something to put up on the projector. Sigh. I don't know. Maybe I'm being a really snobby, prestigious and pretentious little whiner right now. 

It's like, so incredibly snobby and bratty to even try and distinguish between people at college and me in this way but still.. still... 

Maybe it's just because I'm feeling better today... So that's why I'm seeing these things. Or maybe it's because my friend E said with such stern belief - "Mochamocha I personally think you belong in academics at either U of T or UBC" - so I'm more set on returning back to university either next semester or next year. Thinking about it like that, I'm starting to think more along the lines of: what am I doing here?

And based on soley yesterday night and today, I kind of wonder, if I had stuck through with it for another week or two during second year - enough to get through my first rotation of midterms - would I have stayed in school for the rest of the year? Would I be in third year right now?

Honestly, up until two, three days ago, I wanted to run away and drop this stupid art college program because I was feeling so overwhelmed and anxious and miserable and scared s hitless. It was really bad. Now, I don't feel like that anymore. I just... Now, it's more of... hm... I want to leave, not because I want to run away due to fear but because I want to do something else. I want to go back to university with my friends. 

Of course, that's taking into account that I refused to think about whether I'll be pushed to my limits again once I go back to university. Whether I'll be able to handle it. What will I study? Will that degree get me a job in the end ('cause unless you're going into medicine or research, a science degree is not the best for finding a career)? Will I live on residence? Will I commute the hour and a half it takes to get to UBC from home? What if my grades end up terrible and I get all broken up on the inside again? What then?

Anyways, back to the original point - I do wonder that if I really pushed past that stage of utter and complete despair and loss of confidence, would I have eventually felt better like I did today? The thought tears me a little. So much regret if the answer to that is yes. I should have stayed in school. I should have stayed in school. But if the answer to that is no, then that means I was doomed to begin with. So... it's a loss either way so I'll try and toss that idea into the trash. It won't give me anything cheerful.

However... I don't think it was possible for me to have recovered back then. Because it was the first time that that level of emotional stress was on me and I think I was in shock. Since I never saw myself to be crying myself to sleep and waking up to tears. So I just didn't know and couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me or what was wrong with me. Now it's the second time around and I started trying different ways to deal with it - reaching out to mom first before it got to be too much, talking to my brother, talking to my friends... writing like this. 

I guess I also feel this sense of peace because there's still a whole bunch of questions I can't answer (Since I think I'll at least stick with this until December... what if I forget how to study by then? What if my classmates influence me and I'm no longer trained for university level studying anymore? What if I stuck with it for a few more months and decided, yes, art is what I want to do? Then what if I don't get into OCAD or Emily Carr? Or what if I do get in? Is that what I should pursue? Is going back to sciences really the choice for me? Is transferring to UBC really the answer, verses going back to U of T? Am I willing to part with such a lively and free city as Toronto to be back home? Am I willing to party with my brother and his girlfriend and their pet and their whole lovely dynamic relationship to go back to my parents who fight at every turn? Am I strong enough to endure through some of my mom's beliefs that I thorougly disagree with? Am I willing to give up my freedom, to follow through with my parent's regulations? See, once you get going, it's really endless.) I know mom's going to be here in two days and I can talk to her about it and figure out what to do. Even after talking to her, I should still talk to E, S, and W, and my brother and his girlfriend just to get a solid basis and to know I have my grounds covered. But knowing I'll have someone to consult this with coming in a few days really helps in keeping the questions under control.

I was also thinking that - since the hours that college demands don't seem to be that much at the moment - I should take out some of the biology/chemistry/math textbooks from the laundry room and start flipping through them for an hour or so a day. Just so I don't get too rusty.

....Hah. Would that actually happen, do you think? I know there was a moment in time where I wanted to take the SAT's so that I could possibly go to a US school with my boyfriend back then so I bought a whoooole bunch of study guides that I didn't even read through the first page of. That shows you how far my determination goes - to the point of spending money and not following through with it...

And as for the money thing! The $5000! Even though it technically is my parent's money, it's also from my own chequing account: I saved the money for 3 years, splitting it off my quartly allowances. So it's my money, right? I'm not throwing away my parent's money. It's my money so I should be able to use it however I want, even if it's investing it into a really random college course, right??? ....I don't know. I'm trying to make myself feel better. Are my desparate attmepts showing?

Oh, and on another random note. G (my brother's girlfriend) is kind of messy - not dirty - messy - as in, disorganized. And it always bugged me 'cause I'm almost OCD organized. But I love it now. The house feels so full. It felt awesome coming home today to a mess and coming home to a place where it seemed like someone lived there comfortably. 

Alright. I've been writing for an hour. I should get to sleep since it's 1:56 am already. Honestly, I'm still waiting for the fall on this emotional roller coaster. I'm still kind of preparing myself for the panic and anxiety to return anytime. I know I'm feeling pretty capable right now, but like a switch, my confidence could disappear altogether so... I'm still waiting for that moment. And kind of preparing, if there was any way to prepare for something like that. 

Night!