Hey! 

I thought I would write about today. Yes, more rejections, but yeah, starting to get used to it. I did apply something new, re-applied to same companies in different position. And loads of email... yadda yadda.. (i'm not gonna blabber into it much; because it's the same old same new) 

I am nervous through the day. it is a bit scary tbh, because I do not know where it'll lead me. For now, I guess my family's right, I do have to go out for a bit of walk, and find some fresh air. Usually my mom is a lot of the "worrier" which makes me mostly stress, but she weirdly feels calm and she calms me down. 

I didn't do much today, but it is fine. I was slapped with the fact on my strengths and faiths. Sorry, if it sounds very-religion related, but in a way, these kinds of process is scary as well. You don't know what to expect, you don't know what is happening, what is the progress, reasons why you or I got rejected. It just feels like an overwhelming world going on. Especially like me, you are alone. Eventhough you have friends, but you rarely meet them as well. So, one way or another, it feels really heavy on your shoulder. But I think, it's okay to cry. It is better to cry to relieve the burdens a bit, eventhough it may not be able to reduce the burden. It's just prove that you've done a lot so much and you have so many things going on that is riding on your plate, and you're hanging in there. 

I'll be honest with you. Everyday feels scary, but once afternoon and evening arrives, it feels peaceful for some weird reason. Maybe because it is at the end of the work day. Maybe because I couldn't find it anymore, and it feels like a pat on the back. Another thing that I'll like to be honest is that my mental health is like a roller coaster. It could go either super high or super low or sometimes in the medium, but even so, sometimes I would almost cry. For me, I think I was too harsh on myself, but yeah. Even sometimes knowing that everyone has gone through the same path as me, it feels still a bit lonely and the world has abandoned me. 

The fact is, I used to be an extrovert, but in the recent years I've grown introvert. It's nice to be able to do things on your own, have some peace and quiet. But yeah, being an introvert, means that you always havve to continuously seek things that you can do and enjoy. I love being an introvert when I was a uni-student. I can still manage my studies whilst enjoying fangirl life. But now, it seems with the pandemic, it feels a bit lul. Like lonely. Maybe because I am finishing my studies and seeking full-time jobs whilst waiting doing houseworks and studying Japanese. 

Think about it. You don't know anything, and you never know where life takes you. I think we should embrace that we live well, and we take challenges that are on the way or unexpected. So many people around me are in the last phase of our lives and some are gone as well. Some are unexpectedly gone as well.

I am slowly learning to embrace the fact that I am way too harsh at myself. I hate the failures and denials that came from rejection. We always think that rejection is bad. Sometimes it could be good. You may be way smarter than they seek, you may be way better. They might be scared too. I am glad that I'm slowly learning this. It brought me to new informations and new opportunities to learn. Making international friends seems way more trustable and it seems so many things can be learn as well; not only from the internet. 

I am just learning. Learning to wait, learning to be patient, learning to let go and just waiting for guidance. If scared; talk, write and do things that calm you down. 

I hope you all had and will have a nice day tomorrow. Sleep tight. You all did well today. For whatever that you do, I send you all the positive vibes and best of good luck. I'll update you tomorrow. 

PS : if you have any problems, please don't hesitate to talk or message me.. you're not alone in this! Please don't feel alone. I wrote this too, just to let out my thoughts for the day and reflect, and let out the frustrations and pains... let's help each other! <3