I don't want to write about this tbh, but I thought I should reflect on myself as well. Sometimes, overcoming your pain is better than acting as if nothing has happened. 

Yes, based from the title. I had a huge fight today. I was appalled, flabbergasted, frustrated, crying, emotional, frustrated... all of the feelings you know when a fight occurs, just mixed up and bundled up into one. It is not the best kind of feeling to start the week. Truth to be told, I am tired as well, waiting and cooping up like a chicken in their cage. 

The fight is stupid, but in a way I guess is a wakeup call for me about my future. I mean, we gotta start somewhere right ? if we want to do something. But I've realized that sometimes interference could lead you to a change in plan. What suppose to be the plan, is now being switched up... which I HATE AND LOATHE THE MOST. Why ? You've prepared for this right, you are preparing for it. But when suddenly changes, you have to learn again, and prepare again for just a diagnostic test. Diagnostic test is a test to know how much you have studied. But why do we have to study again when at the end, the test is the one that will determine us which material we will study from. 

Another matter on the fight. Assumptions. It is another matter that i loathe. I was attacked for not being able to do things when in reality I still do some stuff. I still try to make things work. I still do job hunting, I still learn Japanese. Why assuming me doing nothing and watching korean shows all the time? Who hurt you ? It . The opponent was supposed to have faith in me but guess what ? It creates a drift more. Now I am not in the mood to say goodnight or any greetings at all. Not even bother to say a word at all. 

And reminding me to do stuff according to orders. I always remember stuffs. I am not stupid. I even took note and finishing the work at 1 AM before going to bed. It for me to know that the opponent thinks I am stupid to not knowing my place when applying for my job. A newbie. knowing the place to not apply the higher rank position. Yes, I get it. I know my place. But I am not stupid enough to also being rubbed in that I am still a fresh graduate with no talent. With not much learning experiences or curve. Why does this kinds of things always happens to me ? I AM NOT A FOOL OKAY?! 

Lastly, stop setting your expectations on me so high. I don't know any of the Japanese languages test before and you expected me to be instantly confident? If you were to be given these kinds of stuff in a day without knowing or having experience any of these before, would you have confidence ? I am not. Even if the materials I have learnt before. Shoving me up with giving more books to study ? and expecting me to say thank you ? WHo are you really ? Imagine if you were in my shoes and you have been studying and then you were shoved with another material. Would you be able to stay focus on your studies ? No. You have to repeat them again from the very beginning.  and denying you don't want to get instant results ? f*** you really. 

My heart is wounded truth to be told. It destroys me mentally. It makes me just losing confidence and just wanting to run away. All of these are. These kinds of things are very toxic. When you think that job searching is already hard enough, then all the nagging, all the reminding, and all the pains, it is exhausting. I sometimes think that I need help. But not "help" like this. By igniting a fight or even rubbing a salt into the wound and scarring for life. All of this, because of this, I felt like I was losing myself. I am not interested in my hobbies of music and k-pop. Anything doesn't interest me anymore. It feels like I am losing me. 

I also worried too much about the future. Maybe I am not that active anymore. I am not as dilligent as other kids. Maybe I am starting to lose hope. I miss home, and maybe this is what I get from missing home. I miss my dad, even more. I miss my cousin who went home since April and never returned yet. My throat hurts from the fight. From all of the shouting defending myself. Maybe I should put on my effort more in studying, but sometimes with languages, I want to know more but complications of the rules and compositions and perhaps courage scared me. In this kinds of days, I don't know what to do either. I feel lonely. I am scared to know because I don't have the courage like others. I just wanna stay still. 

I don't like to fight. It is exhausting and always gets the best of me. It disrupts my routine, my life, and I don't know what to do. Everyday it feels like I'm living in a fear of failure. Not enjoying life, especially during the pandemic. Fights like this also detoriates my confidence and makes me feel like I am lacking of sleep. At least I know what to do everyday. To have a routine. But I just wish that from such a routine, there's a result. I even give a middle finger sign to my phone. But I'm scared if God thinks that I gave them to him when it is actually the opposite. In this world when you're alone, it feels very lonely. I just wish that there is a miracle amidst all of this. It may sound repetitive to all of you who have heard it me saying multiple times, but I truthfully need that. 

I am sorry to update you on this bad day of mine or perhaps more like a bad entry. It is not what I wanted to write nor update you on, but I just feel frustrated that I have to update you guys on this matter. 

I'll get back to you guys.