I got rejected from a job today (19th). A job that i thought i could get, easily vanishes into thin air. It's rejected before given the chance for an interview.

it . People always tell me to never be afraid of rejections. But it hurts so bad. Just like when you have developed a positive relationship; hoping to bloom but suddenly destroy by betrayal, that's the hurt that i felt. 
 

i feel stupid. I feel like i was stupid in my studies that I didn't got the chance when the reality is not like what it seems. Idk what's the cause but i just yeah. I told my parents i wouldn't cry, but afterwards i cried alone, griefing. 
 

i pray everyday, asking for god's help, asking for a positive news and any updates perhaps. But maybe today wasn't his plan as well. God told us to be patient but until when ? I've just finished my prayers before 🛌 to not only ask him to be part of my journey, but to also give me a hint or sign of answers. 
 

it tests my limit. It did well. I used to be so patient and obedient, but there comes a time, like today when it has become overwhelmingly exhausting and tbh, I feel like i wanna kill myself. That's the exhaustion i felt. Luckily, the japanese app on my phone helps me. I can be a bit distracted from reality thanks to the lesson. Yes, i'm also a fan of kpop; but it barely even strikes my mind these days which so bad. I miss the time when as a student i can manage my time well and still enjoying fangirling life. I dearly miss it.

Idk where God will take me, but today i'm tired. I just want to sleep tight, start a fresh  and see where he'll lead me. that i can't be patient and even more how this behavior is inherited by family.

regardless, let's stay hopeful (?) (idk tbh) (i hate waiting) (but let's see)! Nights.. 

may all the odds be ever in your favor (intended)