Long time no see, everyone. I hope you're all doing well. (In case if you; other than me reading this) 

I haven't been able to write a lot these days. But, nowadays, I'll try my best to write. This space, I think it's perfect for me. I'm the only reading it, and continuously learning from it, whilst others may be just living their best life full of color and I'm living in a monotonous, yet turmoil and sometimes quiet life, which is perfect, since I am now an introvert rather than extrovert. I miss going to the town and at the same time I didn't miss it. The last time I went to town was for having my hair cut which is around either May or June. I dyed my hair too; a lighter brown, a softer approach to balayage style I guess. School's pretty tough too (more like uni life), especially since everything is online. I don't know if I'm happy that I don't have to meet a lot of people. At the same time, I miss my friends and all of the Indonesian people that I met during the Indonesian church mass. 

Recently, life has been overwhelming. A rough start to September. I was receiving the news that I was unable to graduate. I've worked hard for this since the day I applied for it. I cried since Monday (31/8) until the next day. What a rough start to September.

I applied for early graduation, for a purpose. 

1) To prove to my parents that I am better now, and more disciplined than I've ever been. It is also to convince them that "this is the right path that I chose", and in a way; a typical morale message of "Please have faith in me"

2) To prove my parents (more like proving my Mom and MOM'S FRIENDS) to stop COMPARING ME to their CHILDREN, a.k.a, my friends. Growing up since kindergarten, even when I left junior high, we're always the one being talked about between them. I wish that I could prove that I got a whole lot better and maybe "winning" against their kids; putting the end of the comparison once and for all. 

3) To prove my parents (AGAIN.. yes I know), that I'm still able to be a student, having a part time job, and enjoying life. I mean I did prove them last year when I watch SS8 in Saitama (WITH A SLIGHT EXPENSIVE TICKET... which err, I know, I paid with my own scholarship -> which I'm still proud of and I believe dad will roll his eyes when he sees this), that I am not just slacking off, but I also worked hard. Come on, I haven't watch supershows since SS5 in INA.. that's how loyal I am to the boys.. because they deserve it and I love their songs so much. 

4) Lastly, it's for me. To feel being accomplished and Going home with pride (PS : incase I have to go home back to Indonesia) 

But, I guess I failed...  For now, it can be assumed that way. 

It's sad. The road to achieve it begins since 2 years ago. During my second year, fall semester. I was given the offer to try for early graduation. I remember that day. 

"Don't you want to try?"

"About?" when I asked them

"Early Graduation"

They stated the requirements : GPA (cumulative 3.6), 124 credits. Take whatever subjects you want. 

I guess two years ago and now, people didn't remember what they say. 

But I do. I still have the screenshot of the email. They were persistent that I have to take one more class to graduate. I don't know if I have to take seminar too. I'm just preparing my heart for it. Regardless, it's nothing to lose as well (incase of seminar lol) cause there's no exam either. 

I cried. It's been a while since I cried hysterically. It wasn't fair on my side since they did not state the requirements that I have to take subjects from all learning areas. GIS (my major) has five, and I have to take all of them.

As similar to the reason "Why I want to Graduate Early", there are some reasons why I cried. One, I failed myself. I was dissapointed. I achieved my credits required, and eventhough I don't know my GPA score will be, I've tried my best to maintained them. It wasn't an easy road. There's part time jobs too that I have to maintain. 

Second, tuition's are expensive af. I don't know how we got here so far, especially that my dad's issue hasn't finished. Money's at stake. I don't know if I'm able to pay my tuition. God has been good to us, but I want to help my family too. I'm lucky that living in Japan has allowed me to receive helps such as tuition reductions, scholarships and even the support from the government. But living in the dorm is expensive af. I don't know how to afford the tuition if I only take one class. I can only hope that it is not as expensive as taking ten subjects. Otherwise, uni is annoying af. 

I don't know about my jobs. I applied at a company, but until now, I can only wait. They haven't announced it, I just keep continuously praying. 

Furthermore, I feel invalidated. Thanks to the email, I feel like achieving the goal was impossible. It's effiin' rude. 

It hurts to me too that I feel like I let everyone down around me. My parents didn't feel that way (but I knew one of them did, which is why me and my mom were fighting last night. We only talked through chat. I just didn't feel like talking to her). I was disappointed for letting my parents down, but I was even more hurt when my mom "terrorize" me. I get it, it's my mistake, but it felt like she didn't support me to be responsible of my own actions -> which . I think it may take a while for us to patch things up. It's a wake up call for me in the future, that I don't want to raise my own kids / children that way. I want them to be responsiible and at the same time keep pride of everything that they do. 

I know God will never leave me. I guess it is his answer that in a way I can still stay in Japan. It is an answer to my prayer that I've prayed since mid-August during the holiday. In a way it is positive thing since I don't have to take classes too much (as I've been running these past couple of years), and hopefully can try to work here. Hopefully I can work in the company where I applied. 

I'm stable now emotionally. At the same time I'm scared and looking forward to the remaining months of 2020. Hoping everything will be bright. 

Hoping that there might be a miracle somehow. 

Always missing her family in other side of the world whilst staying positive from this outcome and outbreak, 

-V-