Hello from the side of the world, wherever you are from. I feel like that's a normal greeting for a stranger you never met but you want to connect, right ?!  There are things that are going through a lot on my mind right now, and I do not know how to relieve it, other than being able to talk about it here. 

As the title elaborates, I'm currently going through million thoughts per miles in my head and to be honest, it is extremely overwhelming. Recently, I've just celebrated my birthday on the 20th of October, turning 21 (22 in Korean Age). I've always anticipated birthdays, since I was a kid and I enjoyed it. There are some good memories of birthdays, and a couple of hours before my birthday, I was feeling terrified and I cried. I don't know, perhaps because my family is not with me, or I am uncertain about my future. 

Amidst of all that, there are some of the events that I have to join as well. I think it's one of the biggest decision that I've ever made after 5 years and I don't know when the opportunity will come again. Instantly, after it was announced, I just jump into the bandwagon without knowing what to expect or even how the system works and how it occurs in other country. I don't even know how to buy the stuff or the merch that occurs in other countries.  I'll be amazed if you can get this one correct.. 

I think it's weird knowing that there is always gonna be your very first experience or any moments that you are doing it alone first. Every first feels like such a big leap that I don't even know if it is worth the wait or the effort, the emotions, the stress, the sweats, or even the outcome from it. It's cool if it results in a positive manner. But the feeling of loss as well has become overwhelming in a sense that your efforts have just gone to drain, especially with the involvement of money. 

Jumping to that, and to be very honest, I am not mentally well. There are days where I am quite in the up state of my feelings and there are days when I hit my lowest points. It is totally like a roller coaster ride that you can never see the ending point. I feel another disease of mine, which is overthinking, has also become embodied in me. I don't know where or when, but it hurts my self conscious sometimes, that I tend to overthink, eventhough the angels from above might have been putting warning sign on me. But I can't help it. I feel like the world is in my shoulders if I'm sort of unprepared or not doing my best in daily life. 

Sometimes, I ask to myself as well, Is it worth to take a risk. Is it worth to give a fight ? Do you bear the crown of the consequences ? 

Yes, it is worth it. It is chaotic in a sense, and you may not be able to get your head straight with it. There might be tumbles, challenges, mood swings.. Even ups and downs. It's not that I want to jump into it, but even before I dive in, there are challenges all the way. 

At the end, it's worth it. It's worth your emotion, your cries, your sweat, and your effort. You even meet new people, becoming part of the community, and feel better more of yourself. Because you've achieved something, right ?! So, you deserve it!

Remember, at the end of all the process. Love yourself. Be grateful, you are one of the maybe 1,000 or a million people who get to experience this. So enjoy it, feel it, feel the pain, the exhaustion. 

As someone that I knew and admire of says "I don't think there's such an unwindable fight! No challenge, no change!" 

I'll reveal my answer next week or maybe if I come back to write again. 

PS : I'm gonna reveal a recipe (or a "potion" in a sense).. *put your hands up*

Catch up with you all later, 

- V -