I hate that every time I make a blog post, I always talking about something negative in my life. I’m always ranting or emotional about something. It didn’t used to be that way. I used to make fan girl happy posts about Kpop and Kdramas and my Kpop rants and unpopular opinions.

I’ve been busy. School is kicking my hard. I have difficult business classes this semester. One class in particular has a 50% fail/withdrawal rate which is not good for my psyche. I study a lot, I’m always doing homework. And when I’m not doing homework, I’m thinking about it. I barely get enough sleep, maybe 5 to 6 hours a night on weekdays. I quit my job back in February and that has helped a lot. But I’m still stressed. 

In high school it was so easy for me to get A’s. I barely had to study, maybe I had to study a bit for math but in my other classes I didn’t have to try hard. I was salutatorian of my class. I graduated with a 3.8. I have a speech at my graduation. 

Fastforward 2 years later and I’m going through the ultimate struggle. My freshman year of college was okay. I finished the year with a 3.8. I had mostly writing centered classes which is where I am prosper. I can write a hella good paper. My 1st semester of my sophomore year was slightly less than OK. I finished with a 3.6. I’ve never gotten a GPA that low ever. I ended getting a B+ and a B- which brought me down. I mean, I fortunate that I made it though because I switched majors, worked a job, and managed without falling apart. But it’s hard to shake that Straight A habit.

Today I missed getting a 90% on my exam by 1 point. I have 1 more exam that I have to get an A on of I want to get an A in the class. It’s stressing me out. I wouldn’t care so much about this class if I didn’t have harder classes to deal with. I have 1 out of 4 classes that I’m sure I’ll get an A in. I calculated by GPA for the semester and I might get a 3.00. It’s not a horrible GPA and my cumulative GPA will bring it up to maybe a 3.4.

One of the worst feelings in the world is studying for something and not better the results you want. I study all the time and stay up late to get B’s and C’s. I always that that C’s were for people who didn’t study or didn’t care. B’s are for people who put in just enough effort or slip through the cracks of an A. 

It’s hard. How do I accept the fact that studying doesn’t equal an automatic A, but still try my best to succeed? Call me a perfectionist or whatever but there’s no payoff. I study and study and expect to do well and then I don’t. And then I think, well I could’ve went to sleep instead or watched TV or went to the mall with friends. 

Grades make me anxious. I’m always calculating, how many can I get wrong, how many can I get right. I get anxious about how this semester will turn out. I have 6 more weeks left or the semester. I want to stop obsessing and just do my best. But I’m afraid that if I stop obsessing, I will stop trying my best. I have a 77% in my hardest class. With the curve grading scale it’s a B. I still have 2 more exams to take. If I fail one, I can fail the class. I will be crushed it I I have to retake the class and torture myself again. I tell myself that I refuse to fail and I go to the tutoring sessions, but I’m obsessive and I can’t not worrying. 

I realize that thriving for Straight A’s is nearly impossible and useless really. I mean a 4.0 won’t reall help me in life. But I just want to do well and receive the grades I study for. It’s so hard to let go of that Straight A mentality. I still have 4 more semesters. I’m sick of college already. I can’t wait to graduate.