Chapter 47: Accept

The chapter opens with a song that tells of a very sad and desperate tale of surrender to defeat.  This is not encouraging to say the least.  ‘Accept’ is the title of this chapter, and it’s tempting to assume it refers to accepting defeat.   Considering the close of the last chapter, perhaps that’s not out of the question.  Pete has admittedly played every card he held to resolve his fight with Earn and now feels completely spent; clinging only to the love he still harbors toward his Panda.  Featured are a series of text messages from Card, Por, Lhew and Earn testifying to Pete’s complete disappearance from school and life in general.  When Pete ominously said that he wanted a break at the end of the last chapter he wasn’t kidding.  He’s suffered a severe emotional collapse and has withdrawn into himself, cutting off the world.  His friends have routinely dropped by his house trying to lure him out, but to no avail.  Pete hears their calls, but he’s too exhausted to respond.  His mom checks on him before leaving for work, and it’s apparent that he’s hiding behind his injuries from the fight to mask his emotional turmoil.  Fortunately, his mom is loving and supportive, as well as communicative of her feelings for him, which no doubt gives him some succor.  As he hides under his blankets from the world, he drifts off into memories of the past few days and his return home late at night following his latest clash with Earn.  His father yelled at him at the time, and unable to explain himself, Pete simply fell silent and absorbed his father’s scorn until he could slink off to his room and spend the next few hours trying to sleep.  When Earn and his friends came by to check on him later that day his father was still so angry he ran them off.  Eventually Pete drifts back into the gloomy present, and drags himself to the kitchen with immense physical effort he tries to eat, but finds the food utterly tasteless.  His mind swirls with thoughts of Earn and where they stand with one another, but he’s totally lost on that account.  He wants to be by Earn’s side, but continues to question if he can be truly happy under the present circumstances.  He wants things to go back to the way they were but cannot see a happy ending in it.  He finally succumbs to his emotional freefall and returns to bed to escape from this bad dream with hope of waking up to a normal life.

The chapter takes an interesting and not completely unforeseen turn when it enters into another Earn  POV.  Many chapters back I predicted that it would take their family of friends to help put the boys back on track, and this is precisely the direction the chapter turns.  Once again, we are treated to some fine conversational writing.

Earn is rushing into their classroom in hopes of finding that Pete has finally returned to school.  He’s been staring at his pictures and dropping by his home for the past two days without success, and his desire to see Pete is urgent.  Unfortunately, he bounds through the doorway to an empty desk, and Card and Por report that his trail on social media has also gone cold.  Por tries to be encouraging, noting that Pete still has 10 minutes before class starts to make it on time, but class soon begins and the seat next to Earn remains vacant.  Earn zones out thinking about their last fateful encounter and his frantic attempts to contact Pete since.  He still can’t recall what he spewed out the night of their blow-up, but he commits to apologizing a millions times over if it will fix thing between them.  In the end, he seems to understand that his pride has been an obstacle to a resolution. 

At lunch Card and Por drag a preoccupied and listless Earn off to the cafeteria where they park him at a table and line up for food while he racks his brain for a solution.  He recriminates himself for following Por’s advice to woo Pete, and keeps telling himself to use his brain and think of a solution while remembering Pete’s music video and what he was trying to say with it.  When Card and Por return with food, Earn reluctantly and hesitantly asks Card what they meant in their music video.  Card is dismissive of Earn’s analyzing capabilities at first, and then questions Earn if Pete explained it to him after Earn later chased him down.  Earn states that Pete told him the point was to show that, despite the time he was still after someone else, Pete stood by him and never thought bad of him, and Card confirms it.  Earn then openly asks when he ever said he thought bad of Pete, and Card tells him it all came out during his drunken fight.  Card continues to explain that he basically called Pete a and that he didn’t trust Pete or any of their friends.  Hearing this for the first time raises Por’s hackles and he expresses his disapproval, and they trade jabs before Card cuts in asking Earn what he really can remember from that night.  Earn recounts memories of Oil badgering him and Josie telling him about the party, and in so doing starts having some memory flashbacks.  He recalls he almost punched Oil and was then pulled outside by Lhew and Pete.  He remembers a few words about Lhew hanging off Pete and talk of Oil and the Pete running off, before turning toward Por explaining that he had to drink 10 shots just prior to prevent him from drinking too much and causing a scene.   Card concludes that Earn is either blocking what he said or has forgotten completely, but since he wasn’t there, is unable to tell him.  Card however, knows who was also present and has the information Earn seeks.  Pulling out his phone, Card rings up Lhew and hands his phone to Earn.  Lhew answers it thinking it’s Card, and is shocked to find out it’s Earn (Dumba*s) and she acts sarcastic toward him at first until he explains what he’s calling about Pete.  He eventually swallows his pride and explains that he wants to talk about his fight with Pete.  Lhew tells him that he made himself pretty clear that night so it doesn’t seem there’s much to talk about.  Only then does Earn admit he has forgotten what he said, putting Lhew into a state of shock.

So Earn is finally opening himself up to the help of his friends, but more importantly, he’s preparing himself to face the emotional truth of what he said to Pete that will unlock the reason behind Pete’s deep emotional distress.  Earn needs to absorb the pain he caused Pete, and until he connects to Pete on that level, he will not be able to grasp where Pete’s coming from, but once he does, his progress will be quick.  That’s how intuitive types work; understanding arrives like a flash of inspiration.  This will no doubt be followed by a rapid push to convey to Pete that he finally gets it and is genuinely regretful and apologetic.

The chapter returns to briefly to Pete’s POV.  He’s home in, bed fiddling with his phone, and runs across an old picture of he and Earn together just after Earn returned from living in Chiang Mai.  He remembers that when it was taken his heart was beating rapidly.  At the time, he thought he was just excited to see his old friend, but now understands he was misunderstanding the nature of his true feelings.  He’s interrupted by P’Kwanjai knocking on the door asking for his help moving some boxes.  She’s a wise old family friend and knows that something is bothering Pete, and she sets him up to uncover what it is beautifully.  After getting him to heave the heavy boxes up to a high shelf, she plainly asks him to tell her what’s wrong, noting that after just seeing him lift the heavy boxes, he’s clearly not staying home due to his fight injuries.  Being a bad liar, Pete comes clean and admits that he got into a fight with Earn a few weeks back and that they’ve been estranged ever since.  She gently asks if he wants to share why, so Pete tells her that Earn said some things that weren’t true in spite of Pete believing Earn understood him and would always be there for him.  When she asks if Earn knows how Pete feels, Pete tells her at first he didn’t think so, but that Earn knows he’s hurt by what he said.  She comments that knowing Earn as she does, he’s probably been trying to cheer Pete up, and Pete for the most part understands and agrees with her assessment, but tells her that sometimes Earn seems to reinforce the hurtful things he said and make things seem as if Pete is at fault.  P’Kwanjai tells Pete he should talk to Earn about this, but Pete just says he already has and Earn doesn’t listen, prompting her to inforce that Pete just has to do a better job explaining things.  Pete pushes back a bit, feeling attacked, but she tells them that they are both too stubborn, and that she recalls them being together as long as she can remember.  Her advice is to talk it out with Earn properly so he understands, and if he doesn’t get it the first time, then Pete has to drill into his thick skull.  This advice makes Pete consider that perhaps his one-sided way of approaching Earn is lacking, and he pledges to talk things over clearly the next time he comes over.  Feeling better, Pete decides to shower and eat, and afterward does a little studying.  Tomorrow is the weekend and he plans to sleep in and go to Earn’s the next morning.  Finally at ease and feeling hopeful, he drifts in and out of consciousness imagining a tapping sound that strangely gets louder and louder.

This was a really effective and sweet piece of writing.  Using the character of P’Kwanjai to put Pete into a receptive frame of mind is so natural.  She is practically a member of the family who has been a maid, a nanny and now a friend to Pete and Earn since they were boys.   Pete’s parents are hardworking and loving people, but over the course of Pete’s life, P’Kwanjai has probably spent more time with him on a day-to-day basis and likely thinks of him as a son or grandson, so she’s a perfect vehicle for getting around Pete’s defenses and priming him for another attempt at communication with Earn.  This is very much in line with how a close domestic family confidant would naturally react under such circumstances.  It’s a great addition to the chapter.

The chapter reverts to Earn’s POV at the point where he, Por and Card are arriving at a coffee shop in Siam Paragon to meet with Lhew so she can tell Earn what he said to Pete on that fateful night.  The boys go through their usual back and forth squabbling and in-fighting while seeking a secluded spot for their talk.  Meeting up was Lhew’s idea because she preferred to do it in person.  Earn admits that he’s close with Por and Card, yet never reveals his weaker and vulnerable side to anyone other than Pete.  He recalls a list of personal issues (his weight, lisp, and skin insecurities) and notes Pete always listened and comforted him.  This makes him realize that the one time Pete wanted the same, he acted stubbornly while caught up in his own way of doing things.  This realization helps lead him to understand why Pete is upset with him.  As they wait word from Lhew, the boys continue to banter and snipe at each other; eventually Por settles down and manages to let Earn know he’s aware of how keyed-up he is as betrayed by Earn’s nervous leg tapping.  Por offers his support, and tries to assure him that they will help him get through the situation, but Earn’s determination to do it alone incites him to claim he can do it himself; despite Por’s assertions to the contrary.  It isn’t until Por playfully grabs Earn in a headlock that he relents and thanks Por for his support.  The next thing they know Card has returned from the counter with a large tray of beverages and food.  The teasing continues when Card initially demands Earn pay him, only to reveal he’s joking a few seconds later.  This causes Earn to realize that Card is showing a different side of himself, a side Earn mostly only sees when Pete’s around.  This raises the thought that he used to think Card had feelings for Pete, and how he would feel jealous when Card and Pete would mess around.  It was a time when Earn was realizing that his feeling for Pete were deeper than friendship.  The bigger picture is finally coming into focus for Earn, and his increased sense of understanding motivates him to apologize to Card and Por for expressing distrust toward them.  He credits it to hearing the stories about them at the party, and while Por is indulgent, Card is the one who accuses Earn of jumping to conclusions without knowing the full story as he admits to being hurt by Earn’s suspicions.  Earn apologizes again to Card, but accuses Por of stealing his first kiss from Pete for himself.  The friendly teasing is interrupted by the arrival of Josie, Rose and Tem who explain their knowledge of why everyone is there.  This is quickly followed by Lhew greeting everyone by name calling Earn ‘dumba*s’ before quickly correcting herself.  When Earn returns her greeting by calling her ‘Lhew’ she notes his effort and sits down next to him.  She acknowledges his situation, and playfully teases him about feeling disoriented at his lack of teasing, and Earn musters the courage to come clean with her, stating that he wants to know what he really said to Pete.

Lhew wades into a long rendition of the events leading up to the fight, starting with her break-up with Ngaw and how Pete was trying to comfort her.  Josie and Por takeover to fill Earn in on what he and Oil talked about after Pete and Lhew went to the restroom.  Earn acknowledges vague memories and recalls the feelings of insecurity he felt at the time.  He knows why he reacted negatively over the party event, but Lhew and Card shoot down every objection and set the record straight about Pete’s intentions and actions at the time.  Earn’s heart sinks, however, when Lhew finally explains what Pete and Earn said to each other outside that night.  He admits that he had convinced himself that what he said while drunk must have been what he really thought; blaming it on his blind pride.  Deep down though, he always knew he must have uttered something monstrous to upset Pete so much, but didn’t want to accept the truth.  Lhew provides a word for word account, and then explains the bleak aftermath they shared their respective wounds while wallowing in pain.

At the end of the tale, Josie, Rose and Tem all explain to Earn that they acted the way they did at the bar because they didn’t understand the nature of his relationship with Pete.  Earn is immediately embarrassed that they are asking for forgiveness when he’s guilty of so much worse himself.  Lhew tries to break the tension by commenting that now he knows the truth while whacking him on the shoulder, but Earn is depressed and feels stupid, and just responds that he has to apologize to Pete.  Immediately thereafter, Earn turns and apologizes directly to Lhew.  As Lhew stares into Earn’s eyes, he tells her that Pete had always told him that she had good intentions, and he had thought that they had become friends, before admitting that he still somehow harbored a bad image of her in the back of his mind.  Earn again asks Lhew for forgiveness.  In response, Lhew gently squeezes Earn’s shoulder and tells him that she knows how much Pete loves him and that she shouldn’t have acted too close with him.  After a brief silence, Por pipes up that it now looks like everyone is sorry, so now what’s ‘Mr. Muscles’ going to do?  Earn repeats his plan to apologize, and Lhew suggest they head to Pete’s house, but Card points out that he’s been isolated there for days and showing up to ask for forgiveness is not going to cut it.  Earn agrees, noting to himself that the thought of going there and failing to explain himself coherently is jarring indeed.  It’s Por who picks up the thread and states that ‘Earn’s style’ is going to require practice before heading over.  Everyone quickly jumps onboard with helping Earn as Lhew and Card find the perfect song on Card’s phone and play it aloud for Earn.  Earn falls for it instantly, thanks them all for committing to help him, and leads a group charge to his house to prepare.

So after this portion of the chapter Earn has finally given a slow peel to the band aid protecting his pride, listened to the truth about the devastating words he uttered, and admitted he had a feeling there was an ugly truth beneath his drunken memory loss.  This is not surprising considering that an intuitive person operates on the level of emotional navigation as opposed to rational analysis.  But putting that aside, this is a huge step forward for him.  This step has put Earn in direct contact with the core of his problem.  Although he resisted at first, with the help, support, and protection of his close circle of friends he finally felt safe enough to expose himself emotionally both to them and himself.  This has opened him up to his inner fears and his primary defense mechanism, his pride.  Once he understood how his insecurities engaged his defense mechanism, he began to see where his accusations and hurtful words came from and why.  After making this connection, his ability to comprehend Pete’s hurt was pretty much assured, since he essentially completed the process of reconsidering his role in the fight which is what Pete had been asking him to do all along.

The POV shifts to Pete with a loud crash as a boulder is thrown through his bedroom window waking him up.  He jumps up, dons his slippers, and throws open the shutters to see who threw it.  He immediately hears a familiarly cold voice berating someone for being an idiot and breaking the window, and the lame rationale for using a large rock from the person clearly responsible.  This is followed by Earn’s voice telling them to shut up, and the sound of it sends Pete’s heart racing.  Pete calls out to Earn, and though he can’t quite see everyone, it’s clear that Card’s truck is parked right outside the house.  Earn calls back to Pete nervously as the group steps around from behind the wall.  Both boys just stand nervously staring at each other and call each other by name once again in befuddlement.  Por makes a pretty hilarious attempt to break the awkwardness by extending his arms toward Card and humorously shouting out his name, but Card just bats him away while giving him a look of displeasure.  It is Lhew’s voice emanating from the truck and asking if they’re taking a roll call that makes them realize there was no point in hiding.  Completely puzzled by all the people standing before him, Pete asks what gives.  Lhew climbs out of the truck and elbows Earn in the side as a motivator while telling Pete that Earn has something to tell him.

Pete has never seen Earn so nervous, and in a squeaky voice he reminds Pete that he’s bad at thinking logically, while also admitting that it has taken a long time to figure things out.  Pete is embarrassed hearing these words, but he’s also touched.  Earn tells Pete that he’s not exactly good with words, and as Card hands something to Earn and walks to his truck, Earn explains that he can only tell Pete how he feels through this.  Earn’s amplified voice is accompanied by music as he segues into ‘Middle’ (lyrics and link provided in the text), while the girls dance in a choreographed routine behind him.  As Earn sings, the sincerity in his voice makes Pete melt.  Earn’s grooving to the music fills Pete with glee; making him feel the happiest he’s felt in a very long time.  Por pulls up a large screen in the bed of the truck and begins a slide show of pictures featuring Pete and Earn in happy moments together from their past, courtesy of the projector Pete bought Earn for Christmas.  Eventually Lhew pushes Earn forward, encouraging him to approach Pete.  Earn hands her the microphone and jumps the wall, biting his lip nervously as he approaches Pete at the window.  The boys exchange ‘hey’ nervously as the song finishes in the background.  Earn starts by acknowledging that he previously told Pete that he didn’t trust their friends, that he called Pete promiscuous and questioned his self-respect.  He also cops to assuming Pete did certain things despite them being a couple and that he hid those things out of spite.  He then apologizes for jumping to conclusions and for stupidly asking Pete if he had any self-respect.  Then, pulling Pete’s hand onto his own chest, Earn apologizes for hurting Pete and putting him through the fight and its aftermath.  As Pete feels Earn’s heart thump against his palm in unison with his own heart, they stare sincerely into each other’s eyes and Earn asks for Pete’s forgiveness.  Feeling like he’s in a dream with waves of joy crashing over him, Pete tells Earn that he loves him and throws his arms around him in a tight hug.  Surprised, Earn manages to get out a quick ‘P-Pete’ before he returns the embrace, squeezing Pete tightly.  Suddenly the onlookers are hooting and hollering from the street and egging them on to kiss each other.  Pete tells them to shut-up, but even Card is on the microphone telling them to make out already, and with that Earn gives Pete a sideways smirk and asks if they should give the crowd what it wants.  Pete’s response is to brush aside what they want, and ask Earn if he’ll give him what he wants.  With that said, the boys lock lips.  The feelings Pete experiences make all the bad times they just lived through seem like the distant past.  Deep in the kiss, Pete can hear his friends whistling and shouting, but then he hears a neighbor complaining to call the cops if they don’t pipe down.  This prompts everyone to start packing up and getting ready to go.  Pete puts on some clothes, closes and locks the window, and then jumps out through it, intertwining his fingers with Earns as they pile into the back of Card’s truck together.  The night closes with the group of friends reclined on their backs in a park staring up into the night sky.  Pete feels so good that he hopes it isn’t a dream, or if it is a dream, that he never awakens.  As the others talk, Earn firmly squeezes Pete’s hand, having not let go since leaving the house.  In the moment, Pete can’t decide what he loves more; looking at the stars with Earn by his side or getting lost in Earn’s onyx eyes when they look at each other.

This last section of the chapter marks the close of this long struggle in the relationship between our boys, and I for one, am very happy, no, thrilled, that they have finally stepped beyond this impasse.  Each boy has made mistakes in arriving at this end, but it has been their love for each other that sustained them long enough to get here.  A lot of discussion can still be had between them that could help each of them comprehend this sad, and at times frustrating journey, and I hope those discussions will happen at some point in the story, but I am still exceptionally pleased with the result.  Each boy has worked through the breach in the relationship in their own way and learned about himself and his own particular emotional strengths and weaknesses, but in the end, each has realized that their shared love is paramount. 

I personally had an allergic reaction to the group performance.  As I read along, all I could do was cringe and say, NO, NOT THIS, PLEASE!  I felt it was like a bad episode of Glee, and still feel like it comes off as a gimmicky set up.  The one point it had going for it as they launched into the performance was Earn’s acknowledgement that he’s not good with words.  That is certainly a valid admission on his part, but man, I still have to roll my eyes.  Fortunately, my feeling of ‘ugh’ was completely pushed aside by Pete’s utterly joyful reaction, and the sense of relief and peace he gets from hearing Earn make a completely heartfelt and genuine apology.  It honestly choked me up, so I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic after all.  That reaction alone made this a thoroughly satisfying outcome.  Now that’s not to say that it’s smooth sailing from here on.  There are plenty of challenges ahead, just as there are in any relationship.  New tests will come, and people change over time, opening the way for potential strife, but also potential growth.  That is the nature of relationships; but the boys have won the day this time, and they have a better sense of how strong their love is.  As Pete pointed out, it makes all the struggle and pain feel far away and distant. 

Getting back to the title of the chapter, I have to ask what it means.  I originally threw out there that it might mean the acceptance of defeat based on the end of the last chapter and the events revealed at the beginning of this one, but that clearly missed the mark.  So I return to the question: Accept what, and who is doing the accepting?  Earn resisted, but finally accepted the assistance of his friends in helping him understand the cause of the fight with Pete, and he accepted responsibility for his words and actions that created the breach between them.  He also accepted some facts about himself and the motivations that caused him to jump to inaccurate conclusions and make false accusations against Pete.  Pete had only one thing to accept in this chapter, and that was Earn’s heartfelt apology, which he did.  Actually both boys had to accept one additional and transcendent thing – their irrepressible love for each other.   From what we have read so far, Pete is the closest one to understanding that being in love can be immensely uplifting, but it also comes with a dark side.  We cannot soar to the highest heights on the power of love without opening up and exposing ourselves completely.  Pete came close to grasping this when he talked about loving Earn so much, while knowing that it was also killing him.  It occurs to me that Noh also had a similar understanding in the early portion of the LS novel when he expressed fear that opening up to the feelings he held toward Phun might alter the course of his life and he wasn’t sure he was prepared for that.  Such is the power of love.  At any rate, it is because of this enormous love Pete and Earn share (a love that they have only just begun to understand) that they were able to remain in each other’s orbit while they resolved their differences.  We should all be so lucky in our own lives.  GREAT JOB!   THANK YOU!

Author’s Note
So…… bad news people. While writing these past few chapters, I didn’t say what was happening in my life so here it goes. Although I’ve found a few hours of my day, I’ve been doing 6 days at work. A coworker got laid off a month ago so they’ve been needing people to fill in the gaps. Not only that, but they let everyone still have their vacations so 1 person has been off for a whole month, another for a week, and next week 2 people will be gone again for a month. Basically, what I’m saying is, work has become hectic and I find myself resting a lot when coming home. Add in the fact that our airconditioning has just died on us and living in Vegas, our place is at a constant 95+ degrees F (About 35 C for international peepz). So, I’ve decided to take a 3 week hiatus. It’s not really a hiatus because I’m going to try to come up with a chapter in 2 weeks and still put it through its usual process of editing and reviewing. Going to be hit with a couple more 6 days at work so, we’ll see how things turn up. I wanted to at least end PetEarn’s drama/conflict, before going on a break. Thanks for understanding everyone and for the support.

- Bamburn04