Chapter 58: Direct

It’s only a couple of hours since Pete has returned home and he’s getting a serious talking to by his two friends, Card and Lhew, during a video chat.  They don’t hold their punches either.  In between calling Pete and Earn idiots, Lhew lists for Pete all the milestones he and Earn have passed through while also and pointing out that they have built and solidified their relationship before asking him how, after all, that they both snapped within 3 days of being around old crushes.  Pete defends his actions but Lhew states unequivocally that he and Earn are madly in love, even comparing them to the freakish level of attraction between Por and Josie.  Card admonishes Pete for hanging with Yuri and Pete explains the color nametag grouping but Card holds firm that he and Earn still could have talked out their concerns.  Pete admits that they tried but were too miffed every time it came up.  Lhew comments that it seems like they were speaking different languages before asking Pete if they hadn’t just spent the week, leading up to pharmacamp,  ing like rabbits since Pete was staying at Earn’s house.  Pete explains that their moods weren’t that great before the camp and casually drops mention of the situation with his parents.  Lhew seizes on this detail and Card asks him what problem he has with his parents.  Pete recounts the story so they are up to date after which Lhew sums up by stating that it sounds like Pete “cracked.”  Pete puts up a weak defense to her comment but after Card points out that Pete lost his rationale and judgment, he’s forced to admit that he pretty much lost it while complaining that they aren’t being very sympathetic.  Lhew corrects that they are sympathetic but could hardly give him any valuable advice if they were pandering as well.  Ultimately, Card asserts that transparency is the best path forward.

Pete elects to resolve his difficulty with Earn first and Lhew intones that they should simply discuss things like normal people.  Simple.  Pete hesitates, expressing that he’s still angry at Earn and Card asks if he’s angry enough to break off the relationship.  This makes Pete realize the magnitude of feelings as well as the relatively lesser magnitude of their disagreement.  Pete explains that he wants to know why Earn was so pinned to Noh and why he’s afraid Pete will leave him for Yuri.  This leads both Card and Lhew in unison to implore him to ask Earn.  After pledging to do so, Pete turns to the situation with his parents but his friends fall silent.  Card eventually suggests that he try to discuss things with his parents in a calmer setting and Lhew jumps in adding that laying everything on the table is the best option.  Pete is not thrilled that simply talking is the best path forward but Card and Lhew point out that, by Pete’s own prompting, they just talked things out between themselves successfully.  Pete is struck by the irony that his own advice is being used against him but it doesn’t stop him from asking them how they sorted things out.  Lhew is hesitant and self-conscious about answering but Card matter-of-factly states that Lhew agreed that if she ever breaks it off with Ngaw, then she’ll give Card a chance.  Card indicates that risk is part of business and that just like market growth, if you can’t patiently wait, then you don’t deserve what the product has to offer.  This prompts Lhew to ask him if he’s comparing her to a product but Card nonchalantly responds that she’s more like a high end luxury item he’s willing to wait for.  The flirty exchange irritates Pete so he comments that it sounds like a bad investment.  He then cautions Lhew not to play around too much and Card not to try to influence her since she still has a boyfriend.  This earns him a joint demand to stop lecturing.  After some reassurance regarding each of their motives, Pete asks if he should punch Earn a few times before suggesting a mutual apology.  Lhew thinks it’s a good idea since Earn likes it when Pete plays rough and Pete tells her to shut up to cover his embarrassment.  Thereafter, they say their goodnights and signoff.  Pete feels calmer and more resolute in taking the necessary steps to resolve his conflicts with Earn and his parents, knowing that he needs to check his ego and apologize all around while being honest and speaking from his heart.

The relief at escaping the prior story arc and getting back to Pete’s normal environment is indeed a joy.  This opening segment returns Pete to the world in which his relationship with Earn has grown while surrounded by a group of friends who are essentially closer to him than his real life family.  In Pete’s actual world, it is completely natural and appropriate for him to seek out Card and Lhew to help him gain some perspective on his latest row with Earn.  The twist this time around is the tough love approach they take to snap Pete out of the unreality of his pharmacamp experience, thereby papering over that story arc’s weaknesses as if it were a bad dream.  It’s as if somehow Pete and Earn fell into a state of temporary insanity.  Having Card and Lhew both take Pete to task for losing his perspective and judgment helps sell the idea that pharamcamp was nothing more than an anomaly that can soon (hopefully) be forgotten so that their life together can move forward into the kind future we know Pete and Earn are destined to live.

The next morning, on the way to class, Pete struggles in his head about how he should approach Earn without realizing that he’s actually muttering his concerns aloud.  This draws the attention of Hack as Pete obliviously passes him by and Hack calls out to him with good intentions but only gets teased by Pete as a diversionary tactic.  Once Pete realizes the underclassman is actually genuine in his concern, the thought reminds him of Por (Hack’s “older brother”).  All of this serves to remind Pete that he is surrounded by good friends he can turn to for help and he releases Hack to join Dirk who is waiting off in the wings but not without first teasing him about Dirk being his boyfriend.  Pete heads off thinking that since Por and Earn are similar in some ways, perhaps Por might have some insight on the matter.  After getting to class and hooking up with Chad and Tee, Pete learns that everyone is headed to the library to take notes for a lecture scheduled for the following afternoon.  Pete asks where Por and Earn are and learns that Por is in the bathroom and Earn hasn’t shown up yet.  This makes Pete wonder if Earn is skipping class because of their drama.  When they arrive at the library, Pete’s surprised to find Por already seated.  They greet each other in their usual intimately insulting fashion along with some slaps and jabs. 

Pete excuses Por and himself from the underclassmen so that they can speak in private.  Por breaks the ice by asking Pete how it’s possible that he could leave him and Earn alone for 3 days and they start arguing like idiots.  Pete is initially surprised that Por already knows about what happened but Por explains that Earn told him.  From this, Pete learns that Earn told Por he was flirting with a girl, so Pete explains that Yuri is a cram school friend and even knows Earn is his boyfriend.  Por asserts that he tried to tell Earn that Pete was probably just trying to be nice but that Earn kept making excuses he didn’t really understand.  When Pete mentions that Earn was hanging off Noh, Por seems surprised and tells Pete that all he heard was that they were in the same group and wanted to repair the rift they had last year.  Pete also learns that Earn even told Por about the “kiss” he shared with Noh and that he expressed great stress in wanting to make it up to Pete and fix things with Noh.  In fact, he was so stressed that he even called Por for advice.  With alarm bells going off in his head, Pete adds two and two together and accuses Por of suggesting most of the crap Earn’s been doing.  Por half way admits to this but points out that he merely told Earn to sleep on it in place of staying up all night and to fix things with Noh because Pete would understand in the long run.  Pete points out that things turned to sh*t and asks why it turned out this way but Por is quick to blame it on poor execution, adding he hopes Earn’s not that bad in the bedroom.  All of this gets Por another assault and more blame during which they make such a ruckus that they get shushed by those around them.  Pete asks Por how to proceed, explaining that he knows Earn’s side of the story the best at this point.  Por suggests Pete buy Earn a gift of flowers or food and, when he gives it to him, he should open up about how he feels.  Por then lewdly alludes to make up s*x, drawing Pete’s vociferous ire and getting themselves sternly scolded by the librarian.

Brilliant!  Explaining Earn’s actions at pharmacamp because he in part was taking Por’s advice on how to solve his predicament is a completely reasonable explanation within the storyline.  Por and Earn are similar types and also good friends so it would be natural for Earn to turn to him but what really makes Por the perfect fall guy is Por’s character itself.  He’s loud, crass, and has no filter.  And while Por does possess superior computer skills, mechanical aptitude, and can be somewhat empathetic, he’s typically immature, often lazy, and intellectually incurious with a tendency toward braggadocio.  This causes him to venture forth into endeavors with way more confidence than his actual abilities merit.  He absolutely means well and has the best interests of his friends at heart but his over-confidence allows him to misjudge the appropriateness of his advice.  For example, Por’s unique love relationship with Josie leads him to over-estimate his depth of knowledge about relationships in general, so he issues guidance based on this very limited experience as if what he’s learned can be applied universally to all relationships.  Earn trusts Por because they are friends so, by extension, he trusts Por’s advice.  This sets Earn up to receive erroneous counsel from Por that helps explain his pharmacamp behaviors.  The best part of this plot development is that blaming Por is hilarious! He is the perfect comic fall guy for all of these shenanigans and Pete is about to find out that being reasonable and logical does not immunize you from being a victim of Por’s bad advice either.  As always, the conversational writing in this passage is pitch-perfect.

Pete tells Por that he’s partially to blame for the disastrous mess they’re in and demands he help fix it.  Por whines that he’ll do what he can but he has a date later with Josie.  Pete’s worried Earn won’t show up for school but Por assures him that Earn woke up late and now he’s just stuck in traffic, so he’ll definitely be there.  They decide to finish their assigned work as quickly as possible so Pete can go down to the gift shop just outside campus to buy Earn a present.  As he works, Pete considers what he’s learned from Por and decides that in spite of the excuse of having been influenced by Por’s idiotic advice, he shouldn’t be so thrilled to see Earn because all that doesn’t change what they did and said.  Pete considers that Earn thinks he’ll be replaced by Yuri and that he’s trying to patch up his friendship with Noh but he can’t understand why Earn couldn’t just tell him that.  He wonders if Earn also acted that way toward Noh because he was jealous of Yuri and finds that even worse than not trusting the people around them.  The next thing he knows, he hears the squeak of leather shoes on the floor and a lispy voice approaching from behind him as Earn plops down in the chair next to him.  Pete keeps his head down and waits for Earn to speak to him as the lingering silence makes the air thick and awkward.  Out of the corner of his eye, Pete sees Earn copying his notes into his own notebook and becomes annoyed and glares at him but Earn quickly looks away pretending he wasn’t copying.  After a few more minutes of this, Pete switches seats with Por, hearing Earn scoff as Pete walks to Por’s table.  This raises Pete’s ire a bit because Earn seems willing to copy his work but unwilling to sort things out, all of which adds a hint of animosity to the atmosphere.  Pete’s desires to be with Earn get the better of him however, and he begins to steal glances at him until they catch each other doing the same thing and they lock eyes long enough for Pete to feel Earn’s regret, loneliness, frustration, and longing.  Pete can’t take it any longer and exits the library, feeling down, and ends up walking around the campus where he follows a group of boys running toward the spectacle of Mark grandstanding by the library trying to impress and win back Win.  This prompts him to pull himself together as he focuses on the gift shops just outside the campus entrance so he can scout out potential gifts for Earn.  While Pete browses through the items on display in a shop, he considers which items might appeal to Earn and stops and hovers over some plants.  When he hears someone enter the shop, somewhere behind him, he assumes it’s the returning shopkeeper and is of course startled when it turns out to be Earn.  Earn comments on the pretty flowers in Pete’s hand and Pete stands up in shock with a mix of pleasure and annoyance.  Earn asks him who he’s buying it for while flashing his dimples and snatches it form Pete’s hand while noting that it must be a gift for someone special.  Pete scoffs out of irritation when Earn offers to buy it for him and then gives him an eye roll and stomps out.

Earn calls out after him but Pete continues on while trying to figure out Earn’s motivation.  Earn’s being too nice and Pete doesn’t understand because he knows Earn is also angry with him and, of course, he’s angry with Earn too.  The purpose of the gift was to use it as an opener to talk with him and now Earn is trying to buy it for him.  Pete finds himself wandering around campus by the basketball courts when he hears Earn calling him from behind and approaching him with a bag in one hand.  Earn catches up, imploring Pete to talk with him, and spins him around in the middle of a crowded court, surrounded by onlookers.  Earn presents Pete with the flowers from the gift shop and, while thinking that he should be the one giving them to Earn, tells Earn he doesn’t want them.  The next gift is a fishy one and Earn recalls the time Pete stole his gift from Noh while declaring that squid reminds him of Pete.  This doesn’t go over well at all in Pete’s mind as he takes it as an insult to the way he smells and issues a mental “ you” to Earn as he turns to leave.  Earn stops his departure with the promise of a gift he’s sure Pete will like and,, while rummaging around in the bag trying to get it, Pete thinks back to the spilled squid incident and grows even more riled up.  When Earn’s hand finally emerges from the bag, he issues a fanfare flourish as he waves a donut around with his wiggling index finger through the hole while the onlookers snicker.  Pete feels complete embarrassment as he imagines that the onlookers think this means he must like being .  As Earn leans in closer while continuing to obliviously wave the donut around, Pete knocks his arm away sending the donut flying onto the ground near a group of boys from the Music Club.  Pete looks at Earn who is frozen into a devastated expression with his eyes locked in the direction the donut has flown and tells him to stop doing this and that this wasn’t how things were supposed to go.  Pete then storms off to avoid ridicule.  Once again on the wander, Pete hears Per strumming the exact song he played at camp that Ohm overheard him sing and concludes that Ohm must have told the Music Club all about what they discussed at camp, thus capping the scene off as a complete disaster.  He concludes Por’s plan to butter up Earn a dismal failure since now Earn is the one trying to buy him presents and he did it so publically and shamelessly in a manner that can be interpreted as s*xual.  All he can wonder is what was going through Earn’s head?

Series fans recognize the previous passage and accompanying pictures but once again they are being recast for purposes of this story and to great effect I might add.  In the series, the library, gift shop, and donut waiving scenes all come off as weak because the relationship between Pete and Earn is horribly vague.  Are they making up as friends or are they more than that?  Are the gifts literal or symbolic?  In this story, we know Pete and Earn are in love and that like most young people having a disagreement are feebly grasping at ways to reconcile.  This scenario adds much more plausibility to the events from the series so their importation into this story makes both the scenes from the series and this story much stronger.  It takes smart writing to accomplish this successfully.  For example, the ramblings in Pete’s head are the carefully constructed bridge that ties in the series scenes while recasting the meaning of those very scenes to layer them into this story’s plot.  I think those scenes are put to far better use in this story than they ever were in the series.  Just consider how the one addition of Por giving Pete advice to buy Earn a gift improves Pete’s motivation for doing so and vice-versa for Earn.  And coming up, the scene with Mark and Win will be tapped as an additional motivator for Earn.  This is really clever use of existing material.  It’s like cutting up an ugly dress and re-sewing it into an evening gown. 

Pete pulls his phone out to check the time and notices a text from Por.  During a brief exchange of messages, he learns that Earn also saw Mark’s apology to Win and that Por subsequently encouraged Earn with the same advice he gave to Pete.  Pete concludes this is why Earn appeared at the gift shop.  He was simply pursuing Por’s idiotic suggestion.  He stops to think what advice Card and Lhew might give him now but shrinks back when he imagines they’d simply berate him for not talking things out.  Frustrated with getting nowhere, Pete decides to find Earn and just talk so he spins round and promptly smacks right into someone.  He falls to the ground on his wounded palm and cries out.  Suddenly, he’s aware the person apologizing for knocking him down is Earn who begins berating himself for not being able to do anything right from trying to fix messed up friendships, not being jealous, being a good boyfriend…  At this point Pete tells him they need to talk but first Earn dresses Pete’s injured hand while Pete compliantly follows his lead to a spot where they can sit more comfortably.  While watching Earn silently trying to dress his wounded palm, Pete reminds him that they have things to talk about.  After Earn freezes for a second, Pete continues by explaining that he’s upset Earn was hanging off Noh, and that even though he shouldn’t be insecure or jealous he still is; finally admitting that it scared him.  Pete continues saying that he understands Earn believes he was flirting with Yuri but that he would never replace Earn.  He admits that he may have found her cute in the past but that his love for Earn is greater than a small crush he used to have.  He then apologizes to Earn, noting that he shouldn’t be using his problems at home as an excuse for being petty and malicious.  While Earn remains silent, Pete continues to pour out his thoughts and feelings unchecked.  He confesses that he’s unsure how he feels, then admits he’s angry, annoyed, frustrated, sad, and lonely.  He ends by asking why things had to come to this.

Pete finds himself at a loss for words as he’s drawn into Earn’s warm embrace with his chin resting on his shoulder.  Earn admits that, when Pete was with Yuri, he started thinking that perhaps Pete would have a better life with her.  Wanting to get his mind off this thought, he embraced Ohm’s invitation to hang out with their group and thought perhaps he could be friends with Noh again.  It really sinks home for Pete when Earn tells him that his infatuation for Noh is gone and that his heart only beats crazily for Pete.  Earn goes on to admit that even though he talked of not being jealous anymore, he went back to acting like he used to be.  He loosens his hold and backs away so he can face Pete directly before apologizing and saying that if Pete doesn’t want him to be around certain people…  Pete cuts off his statement to say it’s not about that, adding that they shouldn’t have to worry like this all of the time.  Earn asks what he’s saying as fear creeps into his eyes but Pete picks up on Earn’s concern and immediately reassures him that they aren’t breaking up.  He clarifies that instead of jumping to conclusions and letting their emotions get the upper hand, they should just talk things out.  No more ignoring things until it all blows up.  Earn readily agrees, admitting that there were times when he wanted to talk but was afraid his feelings would get the better of him and he’d say things that would just make it worse.  Pete admits having the same experience, then asserts confidently that if they just communicate and work through it, they can sort everything out.  Again, Earn agrees only to hear Pete admit that he can’t stay mad at him forever anyway before messing up his hair.  Earn asks why he said that and Pete just says he heard he was taking advice from some idiot.  It takes a few seconds for lightning to strike but Earn suddenly realizes who he’s talking about.  Besides, Pete admits, he sought out Card and Lhew for advice as well.  At this point, Earn comments that nothing Por suggested did any good so he plans on beating his a*s but before he can head off to find him, Pete pulls him into a lean and tells Earn he’s staying right there with him while wrapping his arms around Earn’s stomach. Pete affectionately admits he’s been dying to hug Earn for days and Earn tells him the same as relaxes onto Pete and places his hands over Pete’s that are resting on his waist.  Passersby tease them for being openly affectionate and Pete asks if there is anything more Earn wants to get off his chest.  This gives Earn the chance to move Pete’s hand down toward the bulge in his pants but Pete pulls away quickly and smacks Earn’s forehead while scolding him to at least wait until they get home.  Earn excitedly asks if they’re hitting the bedroom after class and, although Pete says yes, Earn teasingly claims that he can’t hear his answer.  Pete scoffs in embarrassment and repeats his answer and harshly asks Earn if he really wants it that badly.  Earn responds that he likes it when Pete’s aggressive, taking his tone as demanding rather than shameful and Pete notes that if Earn was a dog, his tail would be wagging.  Pete stands and warns Earn to be ready for it later while pushing him to get back because the faster the day goes, the faster he can get Earn home and on his knees.  Earn follows Pete back to their classroom strategically caring his briefcase.

This passage is the heart and soul of this chapter, which is also the heart and soul of this entire story.   This is the story of two boys falling completely in love with each other.  They know what they feel but it will take time before they comprehend what being in love means and how loving another person as much or more than one loves oneself, both complicates and liberates life.  As mentioned in previous comments, this novel pushes far beyond the usual BL genre of boy loves boy.  It has drawn in many compelling issues of gay life but it has always remained, at its heart, a love story.  At any rate, Pete and Earn have once again made a mess in their relationship but that has only given them the opportunity to prove that what they feel for one another is too strong to destroy.  And although Por’s advice throughout this chapter has been proven pretty useless, his prediction of the final outcome is spot on.

The school day flies by and Pete notes that, even though Por’s bad advice was not totally to blame, they did take several opportunities to smack him around for good measure.  After school, they head straight to Earn’s house where they engage in exactly what Por eluded to; make up s*x.  As always, I will skip the summarizing so as not to destroy the power of the event.  I do want to point out a few things.  The s*xual roles in gay s*x have been touched upon already in this story.  In more than one conversation (or should that be Q & A session) Pete and Earn have answered questions about the roles they inhabit in the bedroom.  They have largely portrayed themselves as equals, with no labels.  In this chapter, things change significantly but I’m not bothered by it at all.  For one, it serves a plot purpose, but it could also represent an evolution in their s*xual relationship as it matures with each boy discovering more about what he prefers.  Pete as the aggressor and Earn as the submissive makes for some hot reading, but as I mentioned, it serves a plot purpose.  After the heat of pleasure and s*xual release passes, Pete reflects on what motivated his domineering and demeaning treatment of Earn during the s*x and explains it as a projection of pent up frustrations.  Once Earn hears and understands where Pete’s coming from, he asks if Pete’s gotten it out of system and then cheerfully concludes that’s all there is to it then.  This is a delightful snapshot of these characters that crystalizes their respective personalities and modes of operation perfectly.  Pete, the thinker who questions and analyzes all in order to make sense of the world has to understand an incredibly powerful s*xual encounter with the guy he loves before he can move on, and even feels compelled to apologize and explain it to his partner.  Earn, the intuitive thinker who approaches life from a gut level perspective listens carefully to his partner’s concerns and explanations before confirming that Pete is satisfied with his understanding, and then quickly embraces closure without a care in the world.  The dialog in this passage depicts some mildly aggressive verbal and physical interactions but the expression of the thoughts and feelings described is carefully crafted.  I don’t know if this took a long time to write or simply poured out naturally.  The emotions represented are balanced against the action expertly so I’m leaning toward significant re-writing and polishing.  If I’m correct, then that process was accomplished to just the right degree.  If I’m wrong, and this just flowed out spontaneously, then someone better keep writing after this novel is complete.  That voice just shouldn’t be silenced.

Earn invites Pete to sleep over but Pete explains that he has cram school early the next morning and he doesn’t think his mom and dad will allow it anyway.  This prompts Earn to ask Pete what he’s going to do with respect to his mom and dad.  Pete considers that making up with Earn was almost meant to be but making up with his parents is not so inevitable.  Pete explains that Lhew and Card suggested he handle things with them just as he handled things with Earn.  Earn jokingly interprets this to mean Pete should reject them in front of a ton of people and then ignore them for half the day.  After lovingly correcting him by calling him an a*s, Pete explains he should talk it out with them, then adding that it was Por’s advice to buy him presents to butter him up.  Earn discloses Por told him to do the same thing for Pete and they both get a laugh out it.  Pete asks Earn what he thinks he should do about resolving things with his parents and he expresses agreement with Card and Lhew’s advice but adds that Pete doesn’t have to do everything himself.  When pressed, Earn explains to Pete that he’s not alone and that they can talk to Pete’s parents together.  As Pete stares deeply into Earn’s eyes and replies that he’s never really alone with him by his side.  Earn just smiles and tells Pete he loves him and Pete reciprocates as they lean in and kiss.  Pete’s heart eventually calms with the reassurance that he’s not going through this alone.

This chapter is like a prize fighter who spent the last few rounds on the ropes only to come out swinging and deliver a knock-out punch, or perhaps a Phoenix rising from the ashes.  Pick your own resurrection imagery.  By the end of this chapter, the story is completely and irrevocably reclaimed from the pharmacamp arc.  The success of this achievement cannot be understated.  This chapter represents the investment of a lot of effort and keen ability to make that transformation possible.  We are now back to full power on team Pete-Earn while heading into one of the most difficult challenges a boy who loves boys can face.  The encounter with Pete’s parents will be very emotional for everyone but I have no doubt that it will be handled with the care and sensitivity the subject deserves even if the outcome is far from a foregone conclusion.  Tremendous work!  Thank you.