Chapter 43: Apprehend

The last chapter chronicled the post-break up experience for Earn and his reaction to the new relationship landscape with Pete.  It offered a view of where Earn was coming from and how he felt about it all.  In this chapter we get a closer look from Pete’s side of the fence; namely how he views Earn’s actions as well as his own in contributing to their current situation.  As the story continues, I can’t help but feel more hopeful that they will take ownership of their contributing emotional issues and personal behaviors to forge a stable and more mature union.  The wheels of progress are already turning.

The chapter opens at school where the teacher is giving out pointers on the finals project.  Pete’s mood is admittedly bleak and he can sense Earn staring as he sits beside him.  Pete feels awkward and somewhat confused, although it’s a bit unclear in exactly what respect.  As the group exits the classroom, Pete asks Tee what he’s up to this afternoon, and learns that he plans to discuss Oil’s apology during a couple of basketball games and to help mend the strife between Odd and Choi as well.  Earn apologizes and wais to Tee for forcing this effort upon him with a lisp that Pete finds adorable.  Tee reassures Earn that it’s already in the past, and he’s just focusing on resolving things.  Pete jumps in to brightly encourage Tee in spite of his dazed mood, and gets supporting praise from Por, while Card makes it known that he prefers the exchange of apologies take place during the upcoming joint post report meeting.  Tee expresses his agreement with this idea and then bounds off to catch up with the other guys.

Earn brightly declares that he’s starving and asks the other guys if they’d like to get something to eat while draping an arm over Pete’s shoulder.  Pete says they can’t, while unsuccessfully trying to brush Earn’s arm off of him.  Earn playfully asks why not, but his tone only serves to irritate Pete who believes Earn knows the answer to his own question already.  Card quickly explains that he and Pete are going off to start their project, but Earn asks why they can’t work together wearing a big grin Pete finds obnoxious.  Pete finally removes Earn’s arm from his shoulder while definitively declining his offer and explaining he and Card have their own brainstorming to do, and that Earn and Por should do the same.  Earn persists in pressing the issue in a childish and flirtatious manner that Pete finds exceedingly annoying, and even attempts to offer Por’s computer skills as a bribe in Pete’s eyes, making Pete think Earn wasn’t even listening during their last conversation, so again he declines.  When Earn nearly resorts to calling him Penguin, Pete simply glares back at him stopping him dead in his tracks.  The more Pete thinks back to their argument and Earn’s degrading words and accusatory tones the more upset he becomes.  Card jumps in urging Pete to get a move on and encourages Earn and Por to do the same on their own.

After saying their goodbyes, Pete sees Earn put on a happy face but can also see his sadness beneath it.  Pete acknowledges that he’s sad too, but doesn’t see automatically making up as the solution because there remain underlying problems he needs to sort out.  He has very conflicted thoughts from feeling sad when he wakes up alone to feeling lied to for a long time by the person he loves most, and even maybe believing some of the things Earn said to him are true.  He recalls their first real post argument talk at the Cheer Club meeting and how Earn initially kept his distance that day while he seemingly soul searched as Pete suggested, but then began to get clingy again the next day.  He recognizes that Earn is trying to get his attention, but what he sees is Earn trying to ignore the reality of their situation, thereby aggravating Pete over and above his already negative mood.

Since the break-up argument we have seen signs from both Earn and Pete of acknowledgment toward the other’s perspective.  As I have commented before, this is a very important sign and the beginning of a potential resolution.  So far in this chapter though, we have seen them acting true to type in their approach to one another.  Earn is oriented to move quickly toward banishing the gap that has erupted between them, while Pete is trying to corral and sort out his emotions from his thoughts in an attempt to nail down a path forward.  Neither boy has made it to a place where he can communicate effectively with the other.  It’s almost as if they are talking to each other in different languages, and must rely on interpreting what the other means by observing his actions alone.  Seen in this light, Earn sees Pete being distant and cold which puzzles him and seems to make him pursue his methods with greater effort.  Pete sees Earn as being clingy, and interprets his actions to mean that Earn has paid little or no attention to what he has tried to communicate as the path to a resolution.  Pete additionally accuses Earn of abandoning the path they decided upon (to contemplate his words, actions and motives leading up to the argument) leaving Pete angered even more by this breach of trust.  In actuality, only Pete decided they needed to think things through.  Earn never committed to the idea, and was in fact still pretty sure at the time that he was mostly right about what he’d said.  Suffice it to say, they definitely have some ground to cover before reconciliation takes hold, and it’s going to take a big push from their friends to make that happen.

On the drive home, Card asks Pete if he’s okay, but Pete tries to brush off the question by explaining that he’s jealous because he’s grounded from using his car.  Card immediately calls him out as a horrible liar, and then threatens to throw Pete from the car in order to get an answer before finally ordering him to spill his guts.  Pete finally admits he’s not fine, but asks Card why, if he already knew that, did he ask in the first place?  Card explains that he and Por are concerned and don’t know how to act around Pete and Earn because they don’t know what happened.  Pete calls bullsh*t and expresses his belief that Card knows what happened through Lhew, but is shocked to learn that she hasn’t told Card anything.  Now it’s Card’s turn to express surprise over how little credit Pete gives Lhew for being discreet, but Pete reminds him about some dating secrets she previously spilled to him in his own defense.  Card characterizes them as just trivial, pointing out that when it comes to personal matters, Lhew thinks she has no right to spread things and that the information has to come from the source.  This causes Pete to feel relief and realize once again that Lhew really respects their friendship.  He also realizes that Card is only asking for the details out of genuine concern.  As he’s about to open up Pete realizes they have already arrived at Card’s house, so he assures Card he’ll open up, but asks him to invite Lhew over so he can avail both of them for advice.  Card readily agrees and Pete expresses his thanks, after which Card cracks that it’s all to prevent Pete’s issues from hurting his own grade on the project, but Pete knows his bluster is really a cover for his concern.

As they fire up their devices, Pete mulls over his thoughts.  He drifts back to the night he and Lhew sat by the river, and thinking at the time that Earn didn’t trust him, even though he claimed he doesn’t trust those around him.  To Pete the two statements are equivalent.  Earn also accused their friends and while he acts okay now, he was furious when he found out Pete had kissed Por and almost Card; then there was the outpouring of venom toward Lhew after Pete thought he’d gotten past all of that.  Earn also questioned Pete’s self-respect, making Pete believe he sees him as some kind of man .  Suddenly, and to Pete’s befuddlement, Card is asking him to slow down, noting that he’s hammering the keys on his laptop very loudly.  Pete apologizes to him, but Card redirects the apology toward Pete’s keyboard with a chuckle before asking if he listed any ideas so far.  Pete shows him his screen, and asks how the editing has been going.  Card has to admit that DOTA got in the way so that Pete can a little more, and while the computer is still booting Card asks him if they can discuss some things.  When Pete plays dumb, Card admonishes him briefly before Pete gives in.

Pete shares that Lhew told Card about her break up with Ngaw, so with that out in the open, Pete relates what Earn said to him during that fateful night, although he glanced over what Earn said about the kissing game.  Pete ends by expressing why he feels lost about what to think and that he’s torn between wanting to be with Earn and being mad and depressed over the things Earn said and that he seemed to mean them.  Pete also explains that when he finally got home that night, Lhew slept over and his mom found out, hence no car privileges.  It seems his mom was angered because she expected Earn to be sleeping over, not Lhew.  To Card’s skeptical expression, Pete immediately explains that nothing happened between them and that they merely comforted each other.  In response, Card asks Pete if he finds Lhew attractive, and Pete assures him he thinks she’s beautiful, but that she’s his friend and he doesn’t love her like that, but loves her as he does his other close friends.  Card makes a playful joke aimed at Pete being bis*xual, but Pete just punches him and tells him to shut up while explaining that his love for them is different than his love for Earn.  When Card asks Pete if he still loves Earn, Pete says that he does while thinking to himself that he feels hurt and is fearful of what the truth might be.  Pete says that knowing how Earn actually feels makes him wonder whether Earn really loves him or the image he’s known of Pete as his best friend; then there’s the issue of Earn not trusting him or trusting others.   Card says it appears he’s over-thought things in all the wrong places, but upon seeing Card’s computer finally ready, Pete asks if they can get to work.  Card, however, calls a time out for a smoke break while looking out the window just as Pete’s phone begins ringing, signaling Lhew’s arrival.

The boys head downstairs to fetch Lhew and Card takes his smoke break.  As they hang out waiting for him to finish, Pete plays catch up with what’s been going on in Lhew’s life.  Apparently the gossip mill at her school has rumors that she’s stringing along three guys simultaneously (Ngaw, Pete and Card) and all the fights that night were caused by her.  Pete never imagined the Convent girls were so vicious, but that doesn’t stop the boys from teasing her a bit.  And sadly, her friend Grace has completely abandoned her in the aftermath, but Card and Pete offer her support and encouragement.  And apparently Pete learns for the first time what happened after he left.  Card had to deal with Por getting drunk and raising the roof over Hack being the little brother he never had, and even the Angels got harassed and had to be defended.  Pete also learns that after their fight, Earn was angry, depressed and drank even more.  Pete is happy and sad to hear this, knowing that if Earn really didn’t care he wouldn’t have reacted like that, but he’s sad that they’re in the present situation.  Card also shares that they hung out a Pete’s house for hours waiting for him to come home, but Pete admits that he didn’t want to see Earn and wanted to be alone.  Card complains about having to drag Earn and Por to his house and Lhew teases him about playing the mom, but Card throws the “usual” mom role onto Pete and blames him for being absent.  In response Pete smacks Card in the head and dodges a punch in return. 

At this juncture, the story has Pete united with two of his close friends just as he wanted.  He’s been open with Card about why he wanted Lhew present; ostensibly to solicit their advice on his predicament with Earn, but his stated intension not completely genuine, or at least not fully understood in his heart.  I believe that Pete is engaging them in his personal affairs to gain emotional support and validation for his position on the disagreement, and while I believe he’ll get that support, he will also be challenged by his two friends.  The gauge of his progress toward a solution will lie in his reaction to their challenges.

Noting the rarity of the situation, Lhew asks why they invited her over, only to hear a lame joke from Pete.  When Lhew reiterates her question, again noting the absence of the others, Card starts to explain, but Pete cuts him off stating that they want her input on their finals project in an effort to preempt her from feeling used.  Pete briefly explains the project, noting that they don’t have a concept yet, and Lhew asks how she can help.  Card mentions her dancing skills and keen music sensibilities, and Lhew immediately searches her phone for some songs she had recently researched for some dance numbers with her friends.  The scene proceeds in a positive and progressive direction and they come up with several ideas.  In the end a music video is chosen featuring Pete, who immediately complains about having to do all the physical work, but Card cuts him down noting he’d be handling all the editing.  Lhew encourages Pete to capitulate, but he agrees only on the condition that Lhew participates in the acting sequences with him.  Lhew balks at the idea, and Card tries to force her acceptance, even spilling the knowledge that she previously shared about having an open calendar until exams.  This leads to short a back-and-forth about Lhew’s smarts, academic skills and accomplishments, but eventually she agrees, noting that she’ll get to spend time with her two favorite guys while throwing an arm over each of their shoulders.  This prompts some dirty thoughts about a in Pete’s mind, but he’s distracted when Lhew continues saying that technically they are “missing Porky and Dumb…” cutting herself off mid-sentence.  Pete notes that her words wrench his gut (especially the use of the nickname), and Lhew instinctively apologizes.

Pete uses the opportunity to reveal to Lhew that he needs their advice on the situation with Earn.  Since Lhew was present, and Card had only heard the shortened version, Pete delves deeper into all the details from the drinking party at his house to the recent events with Oil.  Card is naturally caught off guard with respect to Earn feeling threatened by him and Por due to the kissing game.  In the end, Pete summarizes that these are all the reasons for their current predicament.  With Card looking thoughtful, Lhew asks for a clarification as to whether Pete wanted a break from Earn or a break-up of the relationship.  Pete loudly declares he wanted time apart, and Lhew tells him to calm down.  Card asks why he didn’t tell Earn about his past, and Pete tells him the memories were ancient history in his mind.  Card plays devil’s advocate by noting the red flags raised by learning about such a past, but Pete pushes back stating it was just a game and meant nothing.  Card persists however, noting that since Earn didn’t know about the party, he might have assumed that Pete kept it a secret.  When Lhew speaks up to say  Pete didn’t keep it a secret, Card reiterates that Earn doesn’t know that, making Pete realize that he needs to explain the situation to Earn more completely. 

Pete is still bothered though by the things Earn said to him and that he wanted Pete to stay away from his friends, and turns to Lhew for support knowing Ngaw had demanded the same from her; but when Card expresses that Earn might be justified, both Pete and Lhew react very strongly.  Card tells Pete to put himself in Earn’s shoes, and posits how he would feel if he learned Earn was hanging out with Noh.  Pete admits he would be distressed but he wouldn’t tell Earn not to hang out with him, however Card asks him if that’s how he’d really feel even though he wouldn’t say it.  After a period of silence, Pete throws up his hands and admits he’d be jealous and insecure, but maintains he would ask Earn about it and not just assume.  Card reminds him that Earn was drunk and just speaking his mind, but Lhew jumps in stating that makes it even worse because it means he meant what he said when he questioned Pete’s self-respect; like he’s so easy to get into bed.  Hearing this confirms in Pete’s mind that Earn really believes this about him since he’s known to be painfully honest when drunk.  Card acknowledges that Earn’s statement really has no excuse, but Pete asks why he’s defending Earn and whether Card is on his side or Earn’s side in the matter.  Card says he has to understand where Earn is coming from to solve his own problem which prompts Pete to ask him what he means.  Card hesitantly starts to answer, but stops short as Pete continually demands an answer.  Picking up on Card’s train of thought, Lhew tells Pete that he’s oblivious and naïve, and that he helps everyone else before himself or his lover.  Pete asks whether she’s on his side or not, and she says she is, but notes that this has been a big struggle with him.

As Card and Lhew trade glances at each other, Pete asks her to explain what she means before Lhew continues.  First, she mentions that when people make passes at Pete he is blind as then points out that he drops everything to help his friends and just expects Earn to be okay with it.   Card joins in noting that in past Pete was oblivious when girls and guys made passes at him and when he tries to balance his friendships, Earn seems to get neglected.  Pete genuinely asks if this means if he should or shouldn’t care about their problems, and Lhew intones that his intentions are good, but that he can’t expect Earn to be the same way.  Eventually Card makes it clear that they appreciate Pete’s efforts to help his friends, but that Pete can’t please everyone and concentrate on his own troubles at the same time.  It’s about priorities.  Slowly soaking up their advice, Pete comments that he thought their wisecracks about his obliviousness were just a recent running joke at his expense, but both Card and Lhew erupt in convergent disbelief, much to Pete’s annoyance.  Pete admits that Por is really the only one to mention it, but Card tells him that it’s his biggest problem and thus why he understands Earn’s feelings of insecurity; especially noting that Pete is the only one who can elicit that reaction from Earn. 

Pete tells them they don’t know Earn the way he does.  In his mind he recalls their younger days when he had crooked teeth and Earn was heavy set, yet would defend Pete even while being teased about his own weight; so Pete feels that he understands that Earn is more vulnerable than he seems.  Lhew adds that even though Pete might know him better, from the outside, it’s hard to tell if Pete is entertaining a flirt or if he’s really that blind.  She goes on to assure him that what Earn said to him was sh*tty, but points out that Earn’s perceptions and anger did not appear out of thin air, causing Pete to purse his lips in frustration.  Cards says that they are just being honest and not trying to make him feel bad, adding that both he and Earn are right and wrong in the matter.  Pete sighs heavily and acknowledges that he should apologize for his part in the mess, yet maintains that if he does, he’s afraid Earn will assume Pete was all wrong and fail to grasp his own role in the matter or why Pete is upset.  Pete points out that even now Earn is just trying to get on his bright side as if to brush the whole thing under the rug. 

Card acknowledges Pete’s point and Pete expresses his frustration at Earn’s current reaction, but Lhew asks him what he’s going to do if he’s not going to apologize.  Pete adamantly assures her he will apologize, but only when Earn does likewise and when he comprehends why the way Earn’s dealing with their relationship is troubling to him.  Card and Lhew both agree and tell Pete that he and Earn are both making the situation more complicated and more difficult.  Lhew even questions if Pete really loves or wants to be with Earn, but Pete immediately shouts out that he loves Earn, adding that he doesn’t want to be angry and upset and wants nothing more than to cuddle and stare lovingly at him, but seeing Earn ignore the fight as if what he said were facts hurts too.  With his heart pounding, Pete adds that saying he’s sorry, but going back to normal would only be a temporary patch and that Earn thinking he’s an unfaithful boyfriend is like throwing his heart onto the concrete.  Hearing this, both of his friends callout to him in sympathy, but Pete persists saying that as much as it hurts, the best course is staying apart until Earn realizes there’s something wrong; that they have both done wrong.  After this Pete puts his hands on the back of his neck and lays down staring up at the ceiling in silence.

As silence passes, Lhew finally acknowledges that Earn won’t understand unless they give him a push and Card quickly agrees with her assessment.  Sensing some undercurrents, Pete turns and asks Card what he’s getting at, so Card reminds him what Kern and the others believe about how the strongest singing performance comes from a place you can relate to the best.  As Card gets his speakers and Lhew her phone, Pete hears Lhew say that this is best way for Pete to stand his ground while entertaining his dumba*s boyfriend.  Pete jumps on her for the remark, but then finally realizes where they are taking the situation, as Card explains that their music video is going to serve a vehicle to teach Earn how to comprehend the problem.  Lhew claims to have the perfect song and as they listen to it, Pete focuses on the lyrics, realizing that some of them correlate to his own emotions during the time Earn pined for Noh and Pete wished Earn saw him as more than his best friend and reminding him of just how much things have changed.  He also realizes how lucky they are to have realized their love for each other.  The chorus of the song not only expresses what Pete wants to say, but also what Pete needs to work on himself, and that they shouldn’t forget to show their love because even small reminders of their affection can help clear up misunderstandings.  As the song continues and heads bob to the tune, Pete’s mood brightens and he realizes he’d be lost without his friends.  He acknowledges that they might be right about his overzealousness in helping them, but knows that it’s because he understands how much they mean to him and how strongly he loves them. 

Lhew finally asks Pete what he thinks of their suggestion, and after a pause, Pete slyly smiles and jumps in with both feet.  Card commits them to recording the cover version of the song the next day, so they commence with concept development in the meantime and start brainstorming everything from choreography to storyline and locations for filming.  Pete quickly finds himself fully invested since it’s not only for a grade, but more importantly a turning point for getting his feelings across.  Better still, he finds his initial reluctance and nervousness completely sidelined.  As his hopes build at the prospect of communicating with Earn, he finds he’s willing to do this for the sake of their relationship and he quickly and confidently buys into the ultimate success of the endeavor.

Pete closes the chapter feeling positive, confident and resolute, so WAHOO!   His reaction to the hard truths shared by Card and Lhew is mature and accepting.  A lot transpires in the tentative, yet heartfelt conversations in this chapter.  First off, kudos once again for some really strong conversational writing.  The ability to move the plot forward in an easy flowing manner is what makes Pete’s aha moment work so well; and that is the major development in this chapter.  Pete enters the room knowing he needs advice, and then swallows hard and accepts the poignant observations offered by his insightful friends who tell him what he needs to hear out of their concern for his personal wellbeing and for the ultimate success of his relationship with Earn.  Card and Lhew deserve praise for making the point that Pete’s concern for his friends ahead of his concern for his relationship with Earn is part of the problem because they are clearly putting their own interests behind Pete’s and Earn’s happiness, showing that they are indeed true friends.  In the bigger picture though, their direct and reasoned presentation based upon observation is the very approach Pete can most respect and accept, and this is why Card has to be the driver of the message; but Card can’t carry the mantle without Lhew’s personal insight into Pete or without her intuition, innate compassion and emotional connection to either one of them.  I know there are many readers who dislike Lhew and suspect her motives just like Earn does, but I have long believed that she is as above board in this narrative as Pete is.  They are both flawed characters, of course, just like all the characters in the story are flawed in some way, but I nonetheless assert that she is genuine.  Even if I’m wrong about her, this is what Pete sees and respects about her, and precisely what he responds to in this chapter.  I try to imagine this chapter playing out between Card and Pete alone, and when I do, I just don’t see Pete coming to the same degree of progress or acceptance.  It takes Lhew’s participation to help open Pete up emotionally and broaden his perspective to make it work.  But there’s another side to this coin too, and that’s Lhew’s friendship with Card, which plays out a couple times in this chapter when she intuitively jumps in to back up Card’s positions as he expresses them to Pete.  In this sense, she serves as a bridge between them (or kind of like a reassuring conduit of communication) that ultimately makes Pete’s enlightenment possible.

One additional point I would like to make is that the idea of using the project as a vehicle to reach out to Earn seemed like a gimmick to me at first, but then I realized that this could turn out to be a very strong vehicle to pierce Earn’s thick hide (or penetrate his thick skull as Lhew would teasingly put it).   The project concept will deliver Pete’s message directly, and in a form that Earn will find understandable and digestible.  Imagine Earn being sat down and talked to directly like Card and Lhew did with Pete; it’s just not a workable path to success in my mind.  The music video, on the other hand, has an artistic, energetic and intuitively emotional appeal that can reach and enlighten Earn where it really counts without threatening or intimidating him in the process.  That is, of course, if Pete, Card and Lhew do it right.  I guess we’ll see how strong of a team they really make once things move forward.  Lastly, I want to pat myself on the back in being correct about how much Pete and Earn would need to rely on their friends help get them through this.  Okay, I’m done with that part.  Onto the next chapter – what’s coming up?  I might be wrong, but I’m going to guess we may hear from Earn and Por, if not in whole, at least in part.  If the next chapter is all about what they are thinking, feeling, struggling through and planning, then I can’t wait.  After that I suppose it’s back to Pete, Card and Lhew, and I can’t wait for that either.  I guess I just can’t wait no matter what’s coming, but I’m cool with that.  Thanks again for a great read!!!  ^__^