Chapter 42: Regret

After the conclusion of the last calamitous chapter we begin a new day that is overshadowed by the events of the prior evening.  We finally get to hear in Earn’s own thoughts and words what he was truly thinking and feeling (of what he can remember, anyway) during the hours that piled up before his explosive confrontation with Pete that stopped their relationship dead in its tracks.  As he leads us through his murky thoughts, we begin to grasp why the golden bull made such a spurious charge at the target of his affection.  Fortunately for Earn, Card has stepped to his side to help piece things back together and provide him with a plan and pathway to do so, but when it comes to his relationship with Pete, for now Earn is on his own.

The next morning Earn’s day begins with a voice telling him to wake up as his head pounds and he recalls having the worst nightmare ever.  After calling out to his Penguin and grabbing the body next to him, it takes him a few moments to realize that both the body and the voice aren’t Pete, especially since he hears the voice warn in an icy tone, “Call me that again…I’ll kill you.”  As the shock of realizing it’s Card, he releases his body only to hear Card complain about how much he tosses and turns in his sleep while trying to unwrinkled his clothes.  Feeling the effects of the previous night, Earn pleads with him not to yell as the world spins around him.  Card menacingly yells back at him, prompting him to throw a pillow at him full force.  Card catches it and places is back on the bed and chides Earn for mistreating his savior.  After a drink of water, Earn asks him why they’re at his house before learning that Por is actually there too sprawled across a mattress on the floor.  Eventually, Earn’s mind pieces enough together for him to ask where Pete is as he looks around the room searchingly.  Card tells him that he learned via text from Lhew that Pete’s finally home and then rolls his eyes as he rants about spending four hours outside Pete’s house with Earn and Por waiting for him to return at Earn’s insistence before dragging him here.  Perplexed and confused, Earn tells Card he’s not making any sense, but Card replies that he’s the confused one before asking him whether he remembers the previous night’s events.  Challenged to recount what transpired, Earn comes to realize that he can only grasp bits and pieces of his memory while Card waits impatiently for his response.  It takes him a few minutes to knit a vaguely coherent series of events together and his eyes tear up as the memories pull on him emotionally as he recalls what a wreck he was the previous night. 

He remembers Lhew dropping  by the table  to ask Pete to her to the restroom, the conversation they traded, and Pete eventually standing up to go with her under the auspices of needing to go himself.  Most poignantly Earn remembers Oil catching Lhew’s use of Pete’s nickname, Penguin.  As feelings of helplessness and abandonment surface in Earn, he recalls Oil chiding him for getting his fur frizzled for being deprived of Penguin’s company.  Earn tells him to shut up and resists smacking him, but Oil persists telling him he shouldn’t talk to the game’s MVP while pulling out his medal and kissing it, prompting Earn to slide in an insult.  They end up paving over this with a toast and chugging their beers to the approval of those around them, and as the beer sinks in, Earn ponders the ricochet of feelings emerging from his dark unconscious.  He reveals his fear that Pete being attracted to guys might just be a phase, and that he knows he shouldn’t be concerned that Pete also likes girls, but he’s unsure as he faults Pete for being so friendly with everyone.  The girls mobbing Pete after the game created pangs of jealousy, and when he recalls that Pete left Lhew for him, he wonders if he could be so easily replaced in Pete’s eyes by someone new.  Then he begins worrying that Pete spending time with Lhew may mean he’s falling for her again, and tries to reassure himself that he and Pete love each other before Oil snaps him back to the present.

It seems that a group of underclassmen have dropped by to share a toast with Earn and Oil and after some verbal back-and-forth between Earn and Oil, they praise Oil for the dramatic shot where he saluted an unknown person in the stands, giving Oil the chance to brag and rekindle Earn’s irritation.  Eventually Earn thanks the underclassman for dropping by after which he and Oil share a toast with them.  Following their departure, Earn immediately falls into thinking about his rivalry with Oil, tracing it back through their earlier school days to the present, and admits that he knows exactly what Oil has been up to with respect to Pete.  Likening Oil’s actions to how he acted toward Noh, Earn is glad he has kept an eye on Oil when he’s around Pete.  He also agonizes about Pete being so friendly toward everyone; noting he’s not sure if he’s upset or jealous, but he’s certainly riled up such thoughts. 

As he sits and drinks more while waiting for Pete to return, he decides to talk to Por and Josie to distract himself.  Earn immediately realizes that Por reeks of alcohol and his speech is slurred and recalls that he was supposed to be keeping his eye on how much Por was drinking, so he snatches the shot glass from Por’s hand and downs it.  Earn then playfully engages them by asking what they’re talking about, and Josie explains that Card and Tem were telling everyone how they met when they were kids.  Earn finds  his memory of the conversation with them garbled and hazy, but he eventually recalls asking Por and Josie how they became a couple.  Por initially just tells Earn that it all started when Pete gave him Josie’s number and they started texting, but Josie corrects him stating that they met first at the party at Pete’s house  when Lhew brought all the girls with her.  As they continue with the story of the alcohol infused kissing game they played, Earn is hears for the first time that Pete kissed all the girls in the room, plus Por, and nearly Card as well.  At every small revelation Earn describes becoming more and more shocked and agitated on the inside.  Por tries to explain that it was just a game and that there was a lot of alcohol involved, and Card too tries to play down how banal it all was, but then Rose and Tem start squabbling about what a good kisser Pete is.  All of this does nothing but fuel Earn’s anxieties as draws into himself, only to be pulled out of his mopey thoughts when he hears Por shouting at Hack and Hack trying to discourage Por from believing that he thinks of him a neither as a brother nor a close friend.  Although it’s a blur, Earn does recall Por, Hack and Josie going outside with Card and the others in tow to sort things out, leaving him to try to distract everyone from the drama and cheer up the crowd as more beer and bottles of tequila arrive.  After more drinking he begins scanning for Pete and his eyes zoom in on the dance floor.

The next thing he recalls is Oil’s voice commenting that Pete isn’t as innocent as he thought, making Earn believe he’s seen Lhew and Pete on the dance floor too.  Earn tries to play it down by telling him there many things Oil doesn’t know about Pete, but Oil just adds that goes for Earn too.  Earn tries to brush this off and drinks more beer to cool off.  Undeterred, Oil cracks that aside from Earn and Pete being attached at the hip like husband and wife, he wonders aloud what other things Earn doesn’t know about Pete.  As his temper rises, Earn retorts he knows what goes on in Pete’s life because Pete tells him everything, but Oil ratchets up the pressure by mentioning the pep talk Pete gave him earlier during the game.  As his rage smolders, Earn tells Oil that his pathetic performance in the first half of the game would of course prompt Pete to do that because that’s how Pete is.  Acknowledging Earn’s point, Oil adds that Pete’s a good friend of his, causing Earn to scoff over the notion of Pete and Oil becoming close, but he still enquires about what he means.  With the trap set and Earn going after the bait, Oil mentions the study session in the library, even calling on Tee to back him up after Earn denies the truth of his statement.  With getting Tee’s confirmation on hand, Oil refers to the study session as “a study date with Petey” thus setting the second trap for Earn. 

“That wasn’t a date” is Earn’s seemingly tempered response, but it belies the rage that is building up under his reply that seems more about reassuring himself as he wonders why Pete never mentioned it to him.  It is here where Oil snaps the second trap closed on Earn by telling that the dinner they shared afterward certainly was.  To the best of his ability, Earn recalls telling Oil that his ears must be playing tricks on him because he thought he heard some bullsh*t about Pete having dinner with Oil, and then hearing Oil brag that Pete even fed him.  Oil tells him he heard correctly, and Earn struggles to resist the bait, but Oil is now clearly on the warpath when he tells Earn that his boyfriend has been playing him for a fool while indicating Lhew and Pete out on the dancefloor.  Earn’s eyes lock on the pair and hot jealousy instantly erupts.  Between what he sees on the dance floor and their past history, Earn begins to question Pete and his past.  He immediately runs through all the details about Pete that have stumbled into his drunken consciousness tonight and comes off feeling unappreciated and turns to drinking even more.  Tee tries to slow him down but Earn brushes him off telling him he’s fine.  At this point Earn hears Oil stick the knife in one final time by wondering just how easy it will be for him to go further with Pete himself.  The agglomeration of events and revelations coupled with drunkenness, confusion and jealousy push Earn over the edge and swings his hand around to grab Oil by the collar while Oil does the same in return as they glare into each other’s eyes.  Even in his drunken state Earn realizes that silence surrounds them, and knows even more than that Oil won’t go down without a fight.  Oil mockingly asks Earn if he said something to upset him, but Earn insists that he take it back.  Oil demands to know why he should, and again mocks Earn with the declaration that he didn’t know hearing the truth would offend him as they bump chests.  At his point Earn hears Pete’s familiar voice telling them to break it up while holding his shoulder and pushing them apart, but the rest of the events that follow are a mad blur.  He recalls the argument in limited detail, and mostly the feelings of anger and fear.  He can hear Pete telling him he’ll see him at school and sees him turning his back and running off into the darkness, and then recalls stumbling and falling down.  The last thing he remembers is hearing a crass voice berate him (Por) and pick him up before losing track of everything else thereafter. 

So this is what Earn recalls from the previous night’s disaster.  He has the basic sense of what transpired and we’ve learned how he pieced the facts about Pete’s past together through his drunken haze which led up to the confrontation he had with Pete; although he cannot recall the specifics of the blow up.  This is unfortunate, because he also can’t recall Pete’s rebuttal to his accusations which essentially knocked down his drunken and emotionally confused interpretation of events and motivational assignations.  In Earn’s memory of this fateful night, it seems Oil really was setting out to be intentionally disruptive and deliberately antagonized Earn to the breaking point.  Of course this is based on Earn’s hazy memory and we already know how he feels about Oil, so perhaps this part of Earn’s version of events reflects that bias and should be taken with a grain of salt.  It will be interesting if we can ever find out what Oil’s true intentions were.

Returning to the present, Earn immediately resolves to go to Pete’s house, but Card stops him and tells him that he doesn’t know what he said to Pete, but reminds Earn the Pete clearly does not want to see him.  All Earn can do is stutter a response while feeling desperate to reach him so they can talk things out.  Card reassures him that they will see him later, and then reminds him that there is list of repairs that need to be made beyond Pete.  Earn asks what happened after the fight and Card tells him Por somehow found him and they got him back inside where he sat and moped while continuing to drink.  Card explains to Earn that he got even drunker and dragged Por and Card to Pete’s house only to discover that he wasn’t home after yelling for him for a long time.  Then he forced them to stay there for hours waiting for Pete to return, and finally Card forced Por and Earn to his house.  Card wraps up noting the time and forcing them to get ready for school and they eat breakfast.  Earn gets emotional as he eats looking next to him for the absent Pete, and in the end they shower and get ready for school.  As they drive to school Earn begins to recall more from the previous night and wonders how he’s going to talk to Pete.  He knows Pete’s asking for space but he doesn’t understand why.  He’s sad about what happened, but he’s reluctant to back down from what he laid out the night before, and he’s not sure where the problem really lies.  He’s torn, but doesn’t feel he’s wrong.

The ride to school provides Earn and Por with a reminder of their misdeeds on the previous night via Card’s selection of music to play (That’s How You Know – Nico & Vinz).  The narrative of the song is irrelevant but the chorus tells it all, and both boys find this song selection irritating.  Por is the first to ask what he did that was so bad and Card is only too happy to remind him that his argument with Hack created a rift between some of the future Cheer Club heads and the underclassmen.  It seems that now a group of club members are questioning if Por and Hack are a couple, and if he gave Hack his position out of favoritism.  Por objects, telling them that everyone knows he loves Josie, but Card replies they think he’s greedy and is ing everybody, which Earn finds hilarious.  This causes Card to turn his cold gaze upon Earn as he tells him that he’s made a wreck of things.  Earn just accepts that Card is about to tell him how he ed up and agrees to hearing Card’s list of his offenses.  First, the fight with Oil has damaged the Cheer Club’s standing with the Basketball Team, and the situation has to be fixed immediately which means Earn will have to apologize to Oil.  At first Earn refuses because Oil instigated the altercation, but when Card points out that Earn made the first aggressive contact between them, Earn accepts his fate and gives in, saying he’ll just fake the apology. 

Next, the rift between Earn and Pete has left everyone wondering if they are still competent leaders.  Again Earn balks, noting that he and Pete have had arguments before and that it shouldn’t hurt morale or the perception of the club members.  This gets a swift smack to the head from Por who calls him an idiot, pointing out that private arguments are different than public ones.   He reminds Earn of the time he grabbed Pete’s collar in the cafeteria and how some club members felt iffy for a while afterward.  Earn asks what he’s supposed to do, and Card tells him to apologize and admit acting stupidly.   Earn again resists, questioning if he’s really in the wrong, but Card is shocked and asks if he’s serious.  When Earn doubles down on his position, Card turns to Por for support, but only gets a bit of equivocating from Por, who ends up saying that whatever transpired, if Earn said something bad about Pete there’s probably some truth to it.  Card is stern in stating that’s not the point, but Earn jumps in pledging to patch things up with Pete.

The last mess to clean up involves Lhew, Josie and the other girls according to Card’s recitation.  Earn doesn’t seem to understand how he got on Josie’s bad side, but Por quickly explains that he just argued with one of her best friends.  Por can talk to Josie, but he points out that Rose and the others will have a different image of him.  Card makes it plain when he tells Earn to mend his relationship with Lhew.  So after acknowledging that he basically has to apologize to everyone, Earn asks Card why he just didn’t say so from the start.  Card explains that with all the crap he put everyone through and howling at the moon like a beaten puppy, he claims the right to nag Earn for a very long time.  Earn tries to deny acting like a beaten dog, but Card tells him he was practically tearing up while waiting for Pete.  With that, they arrive at school, and Card orders them out so they can repair the damage from the previous night.  Earn gets out followed by Por and as they walk Por throws an arm around each of them declaring it’s time for them to fix everything, to which Card replies that it’s up to them because he’s not at fault.

They enter school and head toward their classroom.  Earn keeps an eye out for Pete and although bleak, he misses him terribly.  The awkward stares Earn perceives from his classmates distract him from his thoughts, but he sort of understands where they’re coming from.  He knows he’s enemy number one for almost fighting with the MVP of the Basketball Team.  Arriving at their classroom, they find the usual rowdy atmosphere, and Tee approaches to inform them that he tried to mend relations with the Basketball Team, but they still want a formal apology.  Earn tells Tee that they won’t get one unless Oil also apologizes and Tee assures him it will happen.  They also learn from Card that he’s been texting the Cheer Club to arrange a mandatory meeting after classes to settle everything. 

With that behind him, Earn searches the room for Pete wondering where he could be or if he’s even coming to school today.  He suddenly he spots Pete’s familiar figure through the window, and while his heart jumps for joy, it quickly sinks once he sees the look on Pete’s face.  Pete hesitates with his hand on the knob before entering with a look of sadness, and then avoids eye contact with Earn completely, making Earn feel more awkward the closer Pete gets.  Por breaks the tension by calling Pete a d*ckhead and asking him why it took so long to get to school, and Pete tells “the a*shole” to shut up in response.  He goes on to explain that he lost the use of his car for failing to follow his mom’s instructions, before throwing his backpack on the desk and finally looking at Earn.  Earn greets him with stuttering “H-hey” but is lost on where to go after that.  Pete just returns the greeting in kind, and walks off to chat with Card.  Suddenly Por is pulling up a chair and commenting to Earn that Pete is really mad at him.  Earn sighs in agreement with Por’s statement and turns to hear Card catching Pete up on what’s happening.  Por pats Earn on the shoulder and reassures him that they’ll get it all resolved after class.

Earn is heartened somewhat when Pete eventually sits next to him in class, but couldn’t get him to speak no matter how hard he tried.  Any conversation exchanged was plain and to the point, but beneath, Earn senses a longing similar to his own, which is likewise surrounded by a wall of anger, frustration and sadness coupled with a sense of floundering.  In their Computer and Media class the teacher assigns a final project requiring students to pair up in teams to produce a multimedia video.  Earn jumps to the conclusion that Pete would pair up with him, however Pete selects Card as his partner, disappointing Earn, who in turn partners up with Por.  When class is dismissed Pete moves to join Card without a second glance, and as they make their way to the field for the mandatory club meeting, Earn and Por discuss how they are going resolve their current dilemmas.

At the meeting Earn regains his usual demeanor while addressing  Choi and Odd publicly and they resolve that Choi will be the President and Odd will be the Vice President as the boys display the marks of the their argument (Choi, a bruise near his eye and Odd a cut on his lip).  Por has to jump in with the comment, “When in doubt, punch it out” before calling on Hack and Dirk to get up in front of the club, and although perplexed, they eventually comply.  Dirk initially states that Por made it quite clear that he doesn’t want Hack to have other friends, to which Por earnestly apologizes, before stepping back and commanding each of the boys to punch him.  The shock of this statement swirls through the gathering of boys, and Hack and Dirk are initially hesitant, but Por repeats his command and tries to explain his point, when Dirk suddenly smacks him in the mouth knocking him to the ground, and declaring how good it felt.  Pete calls out Dirk for his actions, but Por gets up calming everyone, and asks Dirk to avoid messing up his braces the next time as they shake hands.  Next comes Hack, who is extremely reluctant to strike, so Por goads him into it by beginning to spill a secret about Hack in front of everyone, earning a serious punch in the stomach from the little freshman, knocking him to his knees.  Getting up as he comments about Hack going for his gut, he pats the boy on the shoulder with a look of reconciliation before turning to Earn and Pete with the remark, “You two idiots turn.”

Before we get to the most important conversation in this chapter, I just want to comment on a few things.  In my comments on the previous chapter I indicated that it would be Pete’s and Earn’s friends that helped them sort through the crack up of their relationship, and so far Por and Card have been working overtime doing so; Card especially.  That should not come as surprise since he is imminently cool-headed and rational, but here he really helps focus both Por and Earn on the issues and damaged relationships, as well as the paths to addressing them.  In this sense he really does become their savior (not to mention collecting and getting them home safely the previous night while they were hammered).  Even Por, in his own over-the-top fashion (as if he’d do it any other way) steps forward to provide support and resolve the problems created the previous night.  His “Punch me” solution to his row with Hack and Dirk is hilarious, and provides some comic relief in an otherwise angst-ridden day.  At any rate, it still stands as to how the apology between Oil and Earn will play out and what Earn is going to do to mend his relationship with Lhew, but they are now on the board and will no doubt be coming up in later chapters.

Earn is caught off guard with this move, but Por persists with a reassuring grin while telling them it’s time for them to make up.  This time it’s Pete’s turn to question Por what he’s talking about as he loops his arm Earn’s neck while jokingly saying that things between them are cool.  This statement is slyly  posed as a question to Earn, but Earn can see that Pete’s real feelings are the opposite of how he’s acting for the crowd.  Earn responds that they are good, as the two smile at each other, dispelling the club’s worries (except for those who know the truth of course).  At this point Card and Tee take control and Card motions to Earn to step away and talk to Pete privately. 

As the boys step away for privacy, Earn stares at Pete’s poker face and asks him where they go for here.  Pete hesitates, so Earn asks if they can talk about last night, only to have Pete ask him what there is to discuss.  Earn instantly hits on his main concern by asking Pete why he wants space, and Pete tells him that with the way they are now, he thinks it’s the best option.  Earn presses him for a clearer answer, so Pete outright asks him if he understands what he was asking him to do last night or what his words meant, but Earn asks him if they can just forget what he said (acknowledging to himself that he’s still unclear exactly what he said during the argument).  Pete openly states that he’s still angry and that after Earn’s words from last night settled in, he’s realized that what Earn wants from their relationship is not what he wants.  Earn explains all he wants is to love Pete, and reiterates that he still in fact loves him as his chest pounds frantically.  Pete notes that this might be Earn’s main motivation, but then asks if he understands that the way he’s handling this situation is bad.  Earn is lost by what he means, and says as much, so Pete asks him if he stands by what he said to him the previous night.  Earn stands silently without replying, but knows in his heart that he stands by his words.  Pete interprets his silence as confirmation and tells Earn that until he can see what’s wrong, they should spend time apart.  Earn pleadingly asks him why he just can’t tell him what’s wrong so he can fix it, but Pete firmly says in an annoyed tone that in that case nothing would change, adding that he still needs to figure out on his own how things came to this juncture before stepping back toward the club meeting.  Earn blurts out that he still didn’t answer him back and that his core feelings for Pete haven’t changed.  Understanding Earn’s meaning, Pete stands frozen for a few seconds before telling him, “…I love you too.”  These words reach Earn and calm his heart as Pete returns to the club.  Earn still feels helpless and confused, but knowing that Pete still loves him keeps him moving forward.  He admits that he’s not sure if or when things will be okay, but knowing they still share a bond gives him hope.  He admits that he needs to understand where Pete’s coming from, and he’s determined that he wants to be with Pete.  The closing music track, (In my Head, by Galantis), pretty much sums up Earn’s desire and determination.

What I find most interesting here is the clash of two different personality types.  The way I see it, Earn is primarily an intuitive personality who trusts his gut instincts and relies on his sense of situations and people to judge positive from negative.  If Earn feels you’re a good person, then he will trust you until he’s proven wrong for doing so.  Intuitive people like Earn are much closer to their emotional core, and so can become aroused or aggravated more easily than those who are not.  Of course Earn is not without the ability to think rationally, it’s just that his internal compass is driven by his intuition.  In contrast, Pete is a more methodical and logical personality.  Pete thinks about things before and after doing them in order to   incorporate the experiences into his life.  Pete seeks evidence for what he believes, and tending to be more cerebral, he can often over-analyze experiences.  That’s not to say Pete has no emotions.  Of course he does, but his internal compass relies on his methodical and organization mind first and foremost when making sense of his life experience.  For this psychological type, reaching for emotional truth is a greater effort than reaching for rational truth.

These two personality types can be very complementary precisely because they bring different ways of approaching and thinking about the world to the same table.  When they share their respective take on the same experience with each other, they can broaden and enrich each other’s understanding.   The adage that “opposites attract” can be employed very neatly in this situation.  Needless to say, it’s a lot more complicated than that, of course, but I’ll leave it there for now.   The flip side of this complementary effect is that when conflict arises, these types approach the experience from different places as directed by their respective internal compass.  The intuitive personality relies on gut level knowledge and leans heavier on internal emotional truths when judging and reacting to a situation.  When confident, this type often shows no fear in being direct or “taking the bull by the horns” because it’s not gathering proof and weighing evidence before deciding how to proceed.  Instead, this type is trusting its emotional center and driving forward to seek a solution.  In contrast, the methodical personality is doing just the opposite.  This type slows down when it is unsure how to proceed so that it can gather facts and weigh evidence before it makes a decision.  It is not inherently afraid of making a decision; it simply does not operate without a considered basis from which to work.  This type appears cautious and hesitant as it works through the situation to arrive at a solution based on evidence used to arrive at an informed conclusion.  These two types mesh so well when in agreement, but they grind uneasily when in conflict.  This is precisely what is transpiring between Earn and Pete.

At the very end of the chapter Earn finally begins to understand that there is another vantage point to the situation, and that he might be able to learn something from understanding it.  This is huge progress, especially since he’s not really sure exactly what he said to Pete.  This is a positive step, especially since Earn is simultaneously holding the belief that he’s not wrong.  Unfortunately, Pete remembers what Earn said, but doesn’t know that Earn is actually vague on the details, so Pete unknowingly has Earn at a disadvantage and is holding him to those words he cannot exactly recall.  There has to come a time when they finally communicate openly and get all of this drama out into the open because this will even the playing field so that they can begin rebuilding.  The underlying reasons will also have to the surface and be shared, but the boys must first clear the air surrounding the argument so that they are both on the same page.  For his part, Pete is also aware that he has to try to understand how things got to where they are, and this too is an important step.  It may be an acknowledgement that he contributed in some way to this creating this situation, but we don’t yet have confirmation of what he meant.  This chapter is a tentative start toward resolution, but it really has to be the way it is because the issues they need to address and resolve are complex.  Thanks for another really interesting read!