So it has been quite a while since I bothered to pen down thoughts about kpop in general. My choice of eye-candy have sort of changed and there was a period of time when I doubted my identity as a fan.

I went about 3-4 months without listening to a single DBSK song, and in that period of time I had my fair share of SJ - of really random activities, really. SJ is quite all over my life despite the ridiculous lack of attention SM gives them, but the boys are so active on SNS that yep, there you go. I found my affection for SuJu growing, and it is upsetting to confess this, but the dongbang members did not cross my mind not even once. When I realised it (like one day when I'm clearing out music that I no longer listen to from my phone), I was so confused - it seemed like I'm no longer a Cassiopeia to me, and I didn't even know so much about their recent activites. Hell, I only found out that Jae enlisted what one month later? And there were some clips that I run upon but did not watch. I was stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and confusion, like I was doing myself wrong and going against my own promise.

Then one night I couldn't sleep and even the recent songs that I really adored were unable to calm me, and I gave up and shuffled all the songs in my phone - which is something I rarely do, because I usually stick to certain playlists according to my mood (I really hate it when there's a sudden change in genre of music), and the first song that popped up was Bolero, a live version at Secret Code. I just sat in the dark and listened, and halfway through I started to cry. It's like I can almost see them live - every tiny movement, the way Junsu's eyes shone when he lifted the mike up, the way Yunho closed his eyes, the way Jaejoong ran a hand through his hair, the way Yoochun's hair was so messed up and his whole body shaking, the way Changmin covered Yoochun's high note because Yoochun was actually unwell that day - I see it all. And I set the song on single repeat because I realised that I can't even bear to hear other songs after a toho live, because nothing lives up to that standards. I ended up listening to Bolero the whole night.

It was then when I realised that I've changed - as a Cassiopeia, as an ELF, and as a kpop fan. DBSK is no longer the centre of my universe, and I have no interest in keeping up with their recent activites. I'd support each member's decision in choice of career, and I still love them the same. But nothing compares to when they were five, it just doesn't feel right to me to watch them solo, duo or trio. There's always something missing, and the fact that they try to cover it hurts me more. I remember watching JYJ sing Begin, and cringing when I recognise yunho and changmin's lines, and cringing more when I see Jaejoong's hand tightening around the mike, and how Junsu refused to look up. I remember crying in disappointment when I watch yunho and changmin perform old songs, because it's so different and so not up to expectations - I'm not angry at the changes, I know it must be made and SM won't let them discard 5 years worth of godly songs just because, but it hurts to watch the new versions. And it hurts more because I can see them trying, and trying so hard - it makes me hate myself, because I can't appreciate their efforts without feeling my heart is wrenched. I gave up on forcing myself, and settled with being a sole OT5. I settled with not knowing much of their recent activites, because it's probably for the best for me. I feel more at ease with myself not consistenly drowing myself in DBSK updates, but rather they've became a sort of a home to me. No matter how far and how long I've strayed outside, I'll go home when I'm tired. And I know that they are always there, in my memory. I'm grateful. The name toho remains the biggest legend in my heart, and they will always be my standard for harmonies and live singing. It marks a huge chunk of my younger days, of my immaturity, of the tears and laughter over the silliest issues, and of the warmth and calmness they now bring me.

As an ELF, I feel my emotions getting stronger, and I'm appreciating this group more. I stopped trying to love all members equally - I've finally came to terms that it's impossible and I should not force myself. There are some members that I dote on more than others, and some that I barely pay enough attention to. But I'd support and love them as members of SuJu, a group that is long-running and will continue to be so, I believe. This group is so different from DBSK, but I now see the spark in them that I used to overlook. I'm starting to understand why despite all that clashes in personalities and disputes, this group stayed together for so long. I've seen the way they embrace their faults and accept their past - the way they casually talk about Hangeng, showing no signs of discomfort, or talking of Kibum lightly, explaining his haitus as a member and showing their support for his acting career. I noticed, the small ways they assert their identity as 13, but remain warm and welcoming to Zhoumi and Henry. This is a group that has lasted 10 years with no less ups and downs than DBSK, they've lost members along the way but have gotten so much closer and climbed to greater heights. It is their honesty and openness that allowed for this marathon to be done, and I'm more than willing to believe that they'll continue as such. Wait and see, they'll show you that SuJu is a name that will remain active around, even with army, age and seniority. Even if they stop promoting, you will not have any less SuJu - it's not their title that matters, but the people. That's one thing I've came to realise about this group. They are great, in a humble way, and I've learnt much from them to be a better individual. It has been 10 years, and I really agree with the new understanding of the fandom - Ever Lasting Family.

As a kpop fan, I suppose I've tonned down a bit. I was never really the 'oppa let me have your babies' kind of a fan, and even less so now. I'm still insistent on my definition of a fan, and even though I probably know more about Infinite, BTS and EXO than some of the self-proclaimed fans do, I'm not call myself an Inspirit, AMRY or EXOL. They may be my eye-candies and there are some members that I'm more attached to (like yixing, gah), but I don't foresee myself dedicating that much emotions to the group and appreciating them as I did with SJ and DBSK. It's not that they aren't good enough (okay fine to me they're not, but they are a lot better than the kpop I've personally seen), I'm just not ready neither am I able - I mean come on, a fandom is a commitment, I don't get how one can commit to more than 3 fandoms at the same time. It's unfair to call myself an EXOL even though I can list all 12 members by age, match their birth and stage name, name their horoscopes and power symbol, even though I've watched (and re-watched some) the whole of Showtime, even though I read more chinese exo fics than I've had for any group (inclusive of dbsk and suju) combined. EXO is a convinient group to look at in kpop, I'll give them that. They are all over the place, and with surplus, the chances of quality work of fanfics increases. I appreciate fanfics regardless of the context, and it isn't that I don't quite favor these boys anyways.

But I must say my take on EXO has sort of changed. They used to top my eye-candy list, but today they are sort of last I guess. I liked them as 12, the bond, the spirit. I feel like the lawsuits took away this thing in EXO that cannot be replaced, this wound that can't heal without leaving lasting scars. I'm seeing new sides to this group, and the members inclusive, that I didn't notice prior to the lawsuits and mess started late last year. Comparing the current EXO to the one I was familiar with, I feel like they're trying even harder, but what I'm looking for is just missing - it's not about the quality of songs or live standards or sharpness of the dance moves (in fact hell I've seen how this group progressed musically fml jongin singing slayed me and chanyeol's rap in promise god) - it's the chemistry between the members. It's so strained and unnatural - between some individuals, but more so of the group. I don't get the relaxed and happy atmosphere when I look at them now, rather its tense and uptight and they aren't as happy as they try to be, which makes me sad.

I've never actually touched on the issue of lawsuits because I feel like it was too sensitive and it's too early to judge. I'm addressing this today because it's more or less over, people are moving on, and I feel like I've seen enough to have a basic judgement that's more fair. I must be frank and say that I'm quite apathetic about the lawsuit. In my opinion, EXO rose too fast and too high in this industry, riding on SM and their sunbaes - it is bound that they fall somewhere, that's how life is like. Some of them are bound to get a bit too full of themselves (just like quite some of the fandom did), feeling on top of the world when they in fact have a long way to go to stabalise their position in this industry - although I can't really blame them, they're young and famous, it's only human to feel so. I'm gonna be dead frank, if EXO was not debuted by SM but by some other company, hell they'll never make it to what they are today. They aren't that worthy, if I have to painfully straight-forward. It's much unearned for, excuse me for being harsh. It's unfair for groups debuted by small companies, for groups that are quite talented but never noticed, un-named and unknown to the public. EXO are lucky, I'll give it to that, and it's hard to say if it's fair or not, because let's face it, life is nothing but fair. Which is why I always think that the lawsuits are pretty justified, if we look at it in a chinese yingguo perspective. It may or may not be bad, they need a wake-up call, but I don't feel like it has worked the right way - maybe at the surface yes, but underneath their masks as idols, I believe there's a lot of negativity built up, which I afriad they are incapable of addressing. Such a pesimistic view, but yeah. It's my opinion. I feel like it's a loss, because the members are not bad people to begin with, and EXO's never a group that lacks talent.

Side note: Yeah, yeah let's just all acknowledge that in this industry, it's beyond looks and talent. Money, fame of your company, the willingness of your company to promote you, the timing, the support are all important factors, and who knows what dirty trade there may be. Not suggesting anything, but let's try to be more realistic here yeah. Please don't joke and say EXO's gonna be half as famous if idk TS Ent debuted them -.-

Since I'm on the topic of lawsuits, I just wanna make a general comment as well. I find it ridiculous that people are jabbing fingers at the idols themselves - it's rude and unjustified. Yes, they've probably made grand promises, but look at this way, kid. Promises are meant to be broken. No one is bound to spend their whole youth entertaining you - just who are you to point fingers, push the blame and make so much noise about an issue as complicated as this? Lawsuits are filed for a reason and after much weighing and considerations, and as fans, we need to understand that different people have different tolerance and threshold, and hell before anything, please acknoledge your idols as human at the very least. They have every right to do things that make themselves happy, and if they've decided to file a lawsuit and leave to pursuit something else, it is your choice to stay and support, if not do just take your leave like a civilised being should. No need to make a show about how upset you are, biting harsh words and being unreasonable. Your idols don't owe you anything. Just like how you're a freeminded individual that can choose your response, your idols are not obliged to answer to your mental wellbeing or whatnot either. The same applies for dating too. Like oh what, just because they are idols they have no right to love like we do? Is it wrong for Sungmin to marry the woman he believes is right for him? Who are you to make decisions for them? Why are you so selfish to weigh them down and hold them back? And really, kid, wake up. They are idols. I-D-O-L-S. You'll never date or marry them anyway, stop being delusional and saying things like 'that stole my man'. Grow up, will ya, and let's be chill and rational kpop fans.

Final note: No, I'm only turning 18 in 2 months time. I calling you a kid not because I'm much older in terms of age, but I'm more so mentally. Please stop making ridiculous claims and proclaiments - being a fan doesn't mean anything. Learn to accept s life throw at you, and move on without making a huge show about it.