sooooo its about 1am and i cant really sleep so yep formattings gonna be a mess cos I'm on my phone cos laptop crashed xiaosad

about henry leaving sm, i cant say im surprised... he has mentioned how hard it was for him to get support from sm for his music development and i think hes one of the most talented and wellrounded people ive seen in this industry, he certainly could have been much better promoted and i hope he finds the right company in the next step.

i cant actually say that im sad tbh. ive always and only been a ot13, i stan what my man stan and if they say theres 13 members then thats what i stan. henmi were great additions to the family and i adored them as sjm and soloists. they probably arent as important to me as suju or ot13 is, and so im not really distraught about henry leaving sm. it has always been very awkward during super shows and i always felt bad that henmi had to tour with them just to participate in such a small part. but it never feels right to have them in the other songs and ive always been torn. Henry's departure from sm is peaceful so chances is he'll be treated similar to how the other snsd members who signed with other companies. He'll also hopefully find better development by leaving. only sad thing would be how sjm never had their own concert as they had wished for in taiwan... and also id be worried about zhoumi too... with henry gone idk what it would feel like for him... would he leave too? what would happen to sjm (i guess they can still promote after kyuwook return, if or if not zhoumi stays with sm i guess because if sungmin is back sjm has quite a fine balance of vocals and damcers alr and their chinese is pretty ok)? lots of questions, not much answers.

donghae was a large reason why i became an elf, but sjm was a large driving force. as a chinese i watched the sjm shows before i was captivated by them and went to watch the kor suju ones. itd be sad if sjm stops here, they're probably my fav suju subunit (ok who am i lying to i idore all subunits esp the trot and eunhae lol but sjm is just special cos theres no language barrier for me).

and other stuff... so ive been on Chinese sites more often lately and im not sure if i enjoy it... the subs are of higher quality and accuracy for sure due to the similarity between the languages, but im not sure about the fan culture... because of the live comment accurate to frame ive witnessed more fanwars that i would rather... in suju videos there would be people hissing at each other over how omg you're bringing down our oppas too much by dissing them, as fans we should only be supportive blah blah like idk i mean the fact that i diss them dont mean i love them any less? like ok sure im sure a portion if the fans who do take it too far like talking about the sufferings so ing much like hello fam we're at a fun, hilarious clip why are you bringing down the mood by talking about car accidents and making the boys look so frail and ish idk. 

and dbsk videos like wow dont even get me started. i dont even dare to turn on the live comment function nowadays cos the fanwar there is even worse? the duo fans are straight up aggresive and things blow up the moment someone talked about five and idk it just discomforts me so much. similarly at suju videos sometimes ppl fight about hangeng, kibum, henmi, kangin, sungmin etc and idk it just makes me super sad to see

tbh i find myself kind of avoiding the so called truth behind those lawsuits that broke my 15yo heart? like what its later found that jyj wasnt treated as badly blahblah like... idk. i dont actually want to find out. i dont want you to argue with me if they left because of money or hurt or what, or if hangeng is backstabbing suju or whatever like... idk. the 18 of them were my sky and a core part of my memories and i dont want it to be tainted. take your so called truth away from my bubble. let me live. idk. im like not ready to defend my ideology and i dont want to either, its bringing down my memories of the ot18 that dragged me out of depression and social anxiety. let me be.

i have no idea where this went and lol i want to download another keyboard