Sometimes I think about that book you once told me about. Rabbit, Run. I was struck hearing what you had to say about it—how it had the same, repetitive theme of running away. To tell you the truth, June, ever since then, ever since we were seventeen—way before everything that had happened to us—I was gripped with the thought of running away. It was all I ever thought about back then. It was all that went on in my mind. Even when I was happy with you guys.

And it’s funny because right now, I’d do anything just to be back there. I’d do anything just to see everyone again.

I hope you stay warm this winter, June.

Your good friend,

Kim Dahyun

. . .

Three weeks before the summer break began, we took the train to Guri—the place that Jiwon chose—and we spent the whole day wandering around the heart of the city. As teenagers with part time jobs that didn’t pay nearly enough, we were all pretty much broke, so altogether the six of us avoided going to the expensive shops, refrained from buying luxurious items and opted for street food whenever we got hungry.

Hanbin and Jiwon both bought a couple of CDs from a music store we passed by; I ended up buying a few books, a second-hand John Updike novel and couple of books about poetry; Tzuyu and Dahyun bought a wooden bracelet from the market, and finally Chanwoo bought a Star Wars poster for his bedroom (which opened more doors for Hanbin and Jiwon’s teasing).

We got back to Seoul before the sky turned into a darker shade of blue.

At the time, Dahyun’s house was full of her father’s visitors, and so the five decided to crash at my place instead. It was the first time everyone gathered at my house. Usually, it’d just be Chanwoo, Hanbin and Jiwon. But this time, the girls were with us, too.

“Poetry, June?” Chanwoo asked, sitting on the corner of my bed and pointing at the new book that I bought. “I know you like books and all. But you’re hardly the type.”

“It’s a gift.”

Jiwon smirked, and everyone made eye contact with each other. “Mina Myoung?”

“Of course,” Dahyun chimed in. “It’s her birthday tomorrow!”

“Are you asking her out tomorrow?” Hanbin asked.

Ever since what had happened with Hanbin, things between the two of us became awkward for a short time. I convinced myself that Hanbin didn’t know about my feelings towards Dahyun. Sure, he mouthed something to me, but perhaps I just didn’t see it right. Perhaps he meant something else. But in the end, I never got the courage to ask him about it. And to opt out of the awkwardness, I just chose to be oblivious.

I looked at him. “I’m not going to ask her out tomorrow.”

And in return, Hanbin looked at me. “When are you going to do it?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if that’s what she wants,” I simply answered.

“June, do you mind if I ask you something?” Tzuyu suddenly spoke up, changing the topic of the conversation.

“Go ahead.”

“Who’s that guy next to you in your family pictures?”

. . .

All of a sudden, I could hear the dull beating of my heart from deep inside my body. And it left me speechless for a while.

“What?” Dahyun asked.

Tzuyu carried on. “Downstairs, there’s a picture of June’s family. I was looking at it while you guys were saying hello to aunt and uncle. On the pictures, I saw two young boys. One was June, and another was a boy’s face I can’t recognize. I thought that he might’ve been your cousin, June, but he appeared in most of your family pictures.”

The rest of them watched me, looking like they were going to stare an answer out of me.

“My brother,” I said. “The guy in my family pictures—he’s my older brother.”

“You have a brother?”

“How come we’ve never met him all this time?”

“You have to let us meet him!”

I suddenly felt short of breath, like the air was suffocating me. “I had a brother.”

They all fell silent. And I could feel their curiosity growing by the second, but they didn’t ask anymore and just waited for me to continue.

So I told them.

I told them about the accident, the memories of him that I lost, the main reason why my family moved to Seoul.

And after I said everything that needed to be said, I suddenly felt something embrace my heart. I felt as though I had arrived on a planet where the gravity was a little different. I should be happy, I told myself: they’ve succeeded in tearing my walls down.

But the others carried a trace of sadness on their faces, and we stayed in silent for what seemed like hours, until someone finally spoke up.

It was Hanbin.

“Hey, punk, why didn’t you tell us earlier?” he said. There was an edge to his voice. He seemed hurt and angry with me, and I couldn’t understand why. “Are we not your best friends, ?”

And then he continued.

“I’m sure he meant a lot to you. And remembering all those lost memories with your brother will definitely hurt, but we all have to go through that kind of pain at some point. You can’t just keep running away from it—acting like a baby and feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t just forget about him like that, . And I don’t care what it takes. We’ll help you remember him again.”

“H-Hanbin, let’s catch the bus,” Jiwon said. “June, we won’t let you lock things up anymore. Thank you for choosing to tell us.”

I nodded, and in return the two of them gave me a lenient smile. Hanbin gave me a soft pat on the back on their way out.

After Jiwon and Hanbin left, the four of us didn’t really talk much. We couldn’t. I understood that Chanwoo and Tzuyu were always the type to be careful around people—careful about their actions and their words. And I was sure, at the time, that they didn’t really have much to say to me. They didn’t know what to say to me.

Dahyun, on the other hand, was oddly quiet and far from her usual self. She just sat on my bed fiddling with the edges of a pillow and thinking mutely to herself. And even minutes later, even when Chanwoo and Tzuyu had already went and said their goodbyes, she just stood up and told me that she’d have to go home as well.

I walked her to the door. But as soon as she stepped out of the house, she stopped and stayed still for a second.

Our neighbourhood, that night, was eerily quiet.

“Does Mina know about it, June? Have you told her?”

I looked her in the eye, and she looked straight at me. I couldn't tell if she was upset or angry. We stayed like that for a while, and soon I gave her an answer.

“I’ve told her.”

. . .

Unable to sleep that night, I took a copy of Conrad’s Heart of Darkness and read for a while. And when it got so late that I couldn’t read anymore, I suddenly thought of Mina.

After Dahyun had set the two of us up, we began seeing each other frequently—visiting places together, telling each other personal stories about our families and friends. And even though we’d only just met each other, I began thinking that my relationship with Mina was blooming into something much more serious. Something heavier. Something that could possibly outweigh everything else.

Which is why at the time I couldn’t simply just ask her out like Hanbin had suggested.

I didn’t want to hurt her—or get hurt by her.

Soon, when I saw the sun rise up outside my window—and I was still awake lying on my bed, thinking about those kind of things—an abrupt feeling of disappointment suddenly hit me in the chest.

And I only realized it then.

All night long, I stayed awake because I was waiting for my phone to ring.

. . .

baby blue // but if only you could see my shadow crossing your path

;; short chapter for now. i hope everybody's having a good week!