“It’s okay, June,” he suddenly said, chuckling. “I won’t force it out of you now. You’re in denial.”

“I’m not,” I scoffed. “I’m not in denial. I know what you’re getting at.”

“Hm.”

“Soulmates,” I told him. “Do you believe in those? That everyone has one.”

“I grew up with sisters,” Chanwoo laughed. “I grew up watching all those cheesy rom-coms, listening to all those love songs, reading books about it. What d’ya think? It’s lame as hell, but of course I believe in it.”

“I think Mina’s mine.”

Chanwoo nodded his head ever so slightly, he looked puzzled. We took a left turn and the wind became stronger, however, the lights from the distant shops became noticeably traceable.

“I’ve had feelings for Dahyun for as long as I can remember,” I continued. “Even now. But with Mina, it’s different, you know? It isn’t just about liking her, or having feelings for her. It’s like we were meant to cross paths in this world or something. Everything just clicks together when I’m with her. She makes me happy and even when there’s something wrong we easily solve the problem. Everything’s easy.”

“And with Dahyun it isn’t?”

“Easy? Hell no,” I laughed and shook my head. “She’s loud, she loses her temper way too easily, she cries when she doesn’t get what she wants, she keeps secrets but she gets mad when I don’t tell her one of mine. It isn’t easy. Everything’s complicated and confusing whenever she’s around. One minute, I can read her like an open book, but then the next, she completely shuts herself away from the world—from me.” I joked, “I think her mere existence challenges me to the very core.”

“That’s romantic as hell,” he said, and that comment only caused me to land a punch on his arm. We laughed.

It was true, though. With all of Dahyun’s obvious flaws, I never knew why my feelings for her didn’t waver. I didn’t know why I kept liking her even when she was in love with someone else, or why I kept thinking about her when another girl had already come along in my life.

I was puzzled, because even years later when Dahyun disappeared and left town, my feelings for her stayed.

. . .

When everybody else was asleep, Dahyun and I read the letters together. We sat quietly around the kitchen table with one lamp between the two of us, and so that we wouldn’t wake anybody up, we made sure to whisper whenever we had something to say. It felt like we were prying on my brother’s privacy, but there were questions waiting to be answered, so I pushed those thoughts away and carried on reading.

The letters which were written by Song Yunhyeong were somewhat endearing. He simply told my brother about his daily life, the girls that he fancied, the kinds of food that he ate, movies that he watched, how his week had went. Ordinary letters shared between two friends. Through those letters we actually found out more information about this guy more than my brother.

“Look at his letters,” Dahyun whispered. “He really poured his heart out into writing them. I mean, what are the chances, June? That your brother would meet a guy like this accidentally.”

“Do you think he knows that my brother’s dead?” Upon asking that question, the atmosphere in the room suddenly changed and Dahyun stayed quiet. So I carried on. “My brother’s final letter never made it to him. He left it here.”

She nodded. “That’s sad.”                  

“Yeah. Especially if he was still waiting for a reply.”

“Say, wouldn’t it be interesting if we could read the letters that your brother had written himself?”

“Hm.”

“I’ve got an idea, June,” she said. “Let’s search for this guy when we get back. Surely, he still lives in Seoul, and we have his address right here.”

I put down one of the letters and proceeded to look at Dahyun, who had a dead serious look on her face at that moment. “Go looking for a guy that doesn’t even know who I am?”

“It isn’t as crazy as it sounds.”

“What if all these letters were fake? What if he didn’t even care one bit about my brother?”

“You know that isn’t true, June.”

“Okay, so say that he really was my brother’s best friend and we managed to track him down. What next?” I asked. “It won’t bring my brother back to life, y’know. He won’t suddenly appear in front of me and say, ‘My soul can finally rest!’ or something.” I laughed and it made Dahyun chuckle as well.

“I know it’s scary, but don’t you reckon it’s time to get some answers? Obviously everybody’s hiding something from you. Your old friends. Your parents. The doctors. And yeah, maybe they’re doing it for your own good, but haven’t you had enough of being confused all the time? Those pieces of memories that you’re still searching for, I don’t think they’ll come to you automatically, June. I think you need to search for them yourself. Tracking down Song Yunhyeong is the first step.”

. . .

After spending three days back in my hometown, I finally got a call from Mina on the morning of Christmas Eve. We talked on the phone for what seemed like hours; I told her about what had happened in my hometown, while she caught me up on what I’d missed out in the three days we didn’t get to keep in touch with each other. She was planning to spend Christmas with the other exchange students that like her didn’t get to go home, but surprisingly, her parents paid her a sudden visit in Seoul.

“That’s great,” I said. “Did you show them around the city?”

“We ate at the places you and I both went to. They liked it.”

“That’s great,” I repeated.

There was a short silence on the line. I couldn’t think of anymore things to say. I was close to telling Mina about the letters, but then she suddenly spoke up.

“Listen,” she started off, her voice suddenly timid. “I decided that I’m going back to Japan.”

“You finally made a choice,” I remarked.

“Yep. I’m taking the entrance exam for the college that I wanted to go to, and my parents were fine with it.”

“Really? That’s a relief.”

Our flow stopped. And then she suddenly said, “It would be a lie to say that this could still work out. You know—us.”

“I know.”

“You get where I’m getting at, right?”

“Of course.”

“Sorry, June. It’s kind of trashy to do it over the phone, but I don’t think I could do it in person. I’d like it if we stopped seeing each other.”

Upon hearing that, my heart began to hurt. What a strange feeling, I remember thinking at the time, more than a breakup, it felt like I was about to part ways with my best friend.

Mina spoke up once again. “We were never really together, so technically it’s not a breakup. But why does this hurt so much for me?” She started to sob on the phone. “You really helped cure my homesickness, you know? I was happy when you introduced me to your friends, when you showed me around the city, and—”

I interrupted. “Can’t we stay friends, then?”

“We’ll always be friends,” she said. “But right now, I want to get rid of all my feelings for you. I’ve never liked anyone before. You’re my first, so this is very difficult for me. So, what I’m saying is: help me out a little. Let me cut you off from my life until I no longer have these feelings for you. Once that happens, let’s be good friends in the future.”

“Is that how it works?” I asked half-jokingly. Mina let out a laugh, but she burst into tears once again. I couldn’t help but feel bad.

“You’re so stupid,” Mina said, still crying. “I want to hang up now.”

“Then hang up. Hurry up and stop liking me so we can be good friends.”

She snickered at that. “You’re a funny guy. I really hope you don’t ever have to experience what I’m experiencing right now. I hope she actually likes you back.”

The line, once again, went silent. If Chanwoo had figured it out on his own, then it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise that Mina did as well. Still, I was taken aback.

So instead of denying it, I simply said, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Feelings aren’t something we can control that easily. You’re no different from anybody. I mean I didn’t exactly plan to fall for someone like you.”

We both chuckled.

“I always knew you liked her,” Mina suddenly said. “Ever since the incident at school where you stopped her from fighting. At first okay, I admit I wasn’t so sure, but when I finally saw you and her together, everything just clicked. Whenever you look at Dahyun—your eyes soften up, they light up and it really looks like you treasure her completely and utterly. You almost look like a fool. It really hurt me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” she said. “I wasn’t hurt because you loved another girl and not me. It just hurt seeing love from that perspective, so helpless and one-sided. I felt sorry for you, June—not for me. So, I’m sorry. I really should’ve let you go as soon as I knew. I shouldn’t have held you back from confessing to her.”

“You didn’t hold me back.”

Just then, I wondered about something for a short while: what if things were the other way around? If I had fallen in love with Mina first, would I have still developed feelings for Dahyun?

No, scratch that—what if I had met Myoui Mina first?

“You’re always too nice. Thank you again, June. I really hope it all works out for you.”

I told her I had hoped the same for her. I thanked her for all the times she spent together with me, for all the dates, and for all the times she spent listening to my stories. I told her I’d always treasure the memories we created together.

And then we said our final farewells. Just like that, we parted ways.

Though it was a bittersweet ending between us, I felt not the slightest regret; I knew for certain that if I had to do it all over again, I would have lived until that day in exactly the same way. All I could do was glare at the ceiling light and wonder what was going to happen to me from now on, and how the things around me would be changing. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes.

. . .

dizzy on the comedown // 

i've been away for quite some time now and i'm really sorry about that. 
i'm a lot more active on my instagram (arcturu.s) than i am on here, so if you'd like to keep in touch with me you know where to find me heh. ^^