When my parents left the house, I broke the news to Dahyun, Chanwoo and Tzuyu. I told them that Mina was going back to Japan in roughly three months, and that we simply agreed that we wouldn’t be able to make it work anymore. We put an end to ‘us’ before things even started.

“But you have three more months,” Dahyun spoke first out of the three. “You make each other happy and you still have feelings for her. If you run into each other at school after winter break, wouldn’t it be awkward? Breaking up now just doesn’t make sense.”

“To lessen the hurt,” Chanwoo chimed in. “It’ll be harder to leave if they get even closer in the space of three months. I think it was a good decision.”

“Why do you sound so sure about that?”

I could tell that this was bothering Dahyun. Her tone had completely gone serious, so I tried to step in.

“Dahyun—”

“June,” she cut in. “Did she even like you?”

“What?”

“Was she just playing you? No—wait, did you even like her?”

“I liked her. I still do,” I answered. “She liked me, too.”

“Then, how come you both gave up so easily? Why did something so good end this fast?”

I couldn’t answer her, and the atmosphere in the air got darker.

“Dahyun,” Tzuyu said. “Just let it go. It was their decision.”

Dahyun stayed quiet.

“I’m sorry.” And that ended the conversation. She simply smiled and patted me on the back. “To be honest, she was too good for you anyway. Maybe you’ll find a better match someday,” she teased, arousing laughter from Chanwoo and Tzuyu. 

“Screw you, Dahyun,” I chuckled.

. . .

We spent Christmas Eve like I’d spent it every year; we played board games, prepared food with my mom and dad, watched Christmas movies all day and waited for the clock to hit twelve. When it finally did, my parents greeted us all a simple ‘Merry Christmas!’ and headed upstairs to rest. The four of us, however, stayed downstairs to phone Jiwon and Hanbin. We reached Jiwon first, but it turned out that Hanbin was with him as well.

“Merry Christmas!” we shouted in chorus as soon as he picked up.

“Hey, you punks, we thought you weren’t going to call!” Hanbin’s voice echoed on the line. Jiwon was shouting something in the background, but none of us could tell what he was saying.

“Hanbin? How come you’re there?” Chanwoo asked, surprised.

“Hayi and I happened to run into Jiwon’s mother before. She invited us over. We had nowhere else to be, so why not spend Christmas Eve with my best pal? Anyway, what’s it like over there?”

“It’s great, Hanbin! The snow’s thicker than what we usually get in Seoul. It’s real pretty!” Dahyun chimed in. “I wish you guys were here!”

Hanbin gave out a soft chuckle. “Dahyun? It’s been a long time since I heard your voice. I’m surprised. You sound happy.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “I guess this place really changes people.”

“You and Jiwon would’ve liked it here,” I added.

“Yeah, I bet,” Hanbin replied. “Dahyun, can we talk?”

Dahyun shot me a look for validation.

“Go ahead.” I grabbed the handset and showed Dahyun how to turn the speaker off. She walked away, sat on the porch, and leaned on the door frame with her fingers wrapped around the phone—just a couple of metres away from us. A Christmas movie was playing in the background, and the three of us, Tzuyu, Chanwoo and I, just carried on watching that. Every now and then I’d steal a few glances at Dahyun. Her lips were moving, but the words that were coming out of were inaudible. If I stared long enough, I would’ve been able to understand or make out what she was saying, but I didn’t want to pry, so I just carried on watching the movie.

Tzuyu headed upstairs first, and then shortly afterwards, Chanwoo fell asleep on the couch. Hanbin and Dahyun’s conversation on the phone must have taken half an hour or so. When it was over, she asked me why I was still awake.

“I gotta lock up,” I answered. “And this damn movie isn’t even over yet.”

She chuckled, returned the handset to the phone stand and sat next to me. “Chanwoo’s really pretty when he sleeps.”

“Mhm. A real sleeping beauty,” I remarked.

It was already past midnight, but for some reason I found that my eyes were completely focused on the movie. Despite it being a Christmas movie, it had plenty of action and comedy. I didn’t even drowse off or get bored.

“Does it hurt, June?” she suddenly asked. I had to ask her to repeat her question, since I missed it the first time.

“Does what hurt?”

“Y’know,” Dahyun stalled for a while, and then she carried on, “What happened with you and Mina today.”

I paused for a while to think about it. “A little.”

“I really liked her. I thought she was good for you. That you guys were good for each other.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I guess that’s why I feel this way about it, I feel kind of responsible for your first heartbreak; I set you guys up after all.”

I wanted to laugh, then, at the irony of her words. Dahyun wasn’t responsible for my heartbreak at the time, but technically, she was responsible for my first heartbreak.

I wanted to tell her that the first girl to ever break my heart was her. It wasn’t Mina.

“I’m still thankful that you did, though,” I replied. “Mina’s a wonderful person, and it would’ve been my loss if I had never met a girl like her. No matter what, I want to continue being friends with her.”

“This place really changes people,” she repeated what she had said earlier. “Look at you! All optimistic and mature.”

I chuckled. “What took you so long on the phone, anyway? What did you and Hanbin talk about?”

“Little things, you know? We just talked about Hayi, how he’s doing living on his own and not with his parents—just those kinda stuff, really. It was nice to hear about his life, so naturally I got carried away with the conversation.”

“I see.”

“And then he apologized for letting me go home on my own that night, and I apologized for making things awkward recently.”

“Does it hurt?”

Dahyun let out a soft laugh. “You copycat.”

“I’m serious,” I said.

“Y’know what? Not anymore. Before, even hearing her name would press pins against my heart but just now when he mentioned her so casually, no pins, I just wanted to know more about her. Hm, how do I describe this…” she paused and thought about it for a while. “You could sense the happiness in his voice when he talks about Hayi. He sounds really different than before. I think he’s happy. That’s the feeling I got from him.”

“Look at you, all optimistic and mature.”

Dahyun laughed. “Screw you.”

“It’s true, though.”

She shot me a look. “Hanbin told me that you came over to his place and scolded him for what he did to me.”

“Not exactly.”

“You’re real sweet sometimes, y’know?” she said, smiling. “You act so cold on the outside, but you’ve saved my a lot more times than I can count. Wanna know something?”

I scoffed, “Go ahead.”

“Sometimes I think that if we weren’t in such stupid situations, I’d probably fall for you. If I stopped having feelings for Hanbin sooner, if you weren’t my dearest friend and if I hadn’t already set you up with a beautiful girl—if I was given a chance with you, I really think that I would’ve taken that chance.”

Something stirred in the air. When she said those words, the closeness I felt for her at that moment was something I had never experienced before. Nervous, I asked her, “What about now?”

“If I was given the chance now?” she paused and thought hard about what she was going to say next. “I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

I stayed silent and merely nodded my head.

“Don’t get me wrong, June,” Dahyun said, laughing quietly. “I’m not hitting on you. I’m just saying what I feel.”

“I know,” I replied, trying to contain my smile.

Dahyun suddenly rested her head on my shoulder. She wore a pair of black jogging pants and a faded, plain navy blue t-shirt. Her hair was held back by a small hairclip, and I could see her small, nicely formed ears. I could feel her breath on my skin, and it only made me realise that it was the first time we’d been in such close proximity to each other. I just prayed that she wouldn’t feel the loud knocks coming from my chest.

“Merry Christmas, June,” she whispered. “I think that this is the happiest I’ve ever been on a Christmas midnight. I’m really glad I didn’t stay with my parents back in Seoul.”

“Merry Christmas,” I replied with a smile.

She fell asleep just like that and I sat there on the sofa, still as a statue, because I didn’t know what to do. Her head still rested on my shoulder.

I knew, of course, that it was platonic. A friendly gesture.

But somehow my heart became like the night; sinking deeper as more time passed by.

. . .

on a rainy day //

i received several messages on my instagram asking me to update so i finally started writing again haha. thanks for waiting ^^ the encouragement you guys have given me has definitely inspired me to keep on going with this.