He felt like he had been completely drowned out in pain. Almost every day since he gotten to the accident feels like hell. He cried at night to sleep and wake-up with the same thought of getting through the day. He sure knows he wasn't completely healed today, nor the day tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Recovery is like a long process for him. 

 

Zoning out from the reality he didn't notice his mobile phone ringing. It rang, once, twice, three times in a row. He wasn't paying attention. No he never really was. He was only focus on the doctors words after his surgery, it was playing repeat on his head for 3 weeks now.

 

~small flashback. x

 

"Upon seeing the test result we recently performed. Not to scare you. Frankly, you should prepare for the worst. We will be conducting the surgery as soon as possible." The doctor said.

 

Hearing the word 'surgery' made him thought of all sorts of bad things. It was really that bad that he needed an operation right away. He was shocked at the state of his injury. He don't know if he will inform his family especially his parents but in the end he did. But he lied, he can't really do it. 

 

Later the doctor visited to ask and notify him if he will continue with the procedure as he scheduled by tomorrow afternoon. His decision was final and agreed as plan. He signed the wavers. He wanted to take the risks or his arms will rot if he don't undergo a treatment.

 

 

The surgery went well, he was already informed before hand that there was a half chance of recovery, and the healing process takes some time. 

 

 

 

He told this to his parents right away, but he lied. He said its not a serious injury and just a tiny break, not really wanting to cause them more trouble. There was no reason for him to widespread the pain and don't want them to worry about it. He thought he can handle it himself but he was wrong. 

 

In those days of self-pitying, he didn't notice he was also self-destructing himself.

 

How many days since he have been out from the daylight and meet his friends. He don't know. He stopped counting the days and been consumed by his pain and regret ever since that accident. 

 

 

I jump out of my thoughts when a buzzing sound breaks the complete silence of the room. At first, i ignored it and just continued zoning out. Not really interested for a visit at the moment. But the noise keeps on and on, i was annoyed. Then i sat up straight and went to stagger the intercom. I push the button, clear my throat and speak in a raw voice.

 

"I didn't ordered anything. Okay. Thank you." He said.

 

"Knock, knock." A sweet, feminine husky voice echoed right after he finished speaking.

 

The sound of her voice is so familiar, he would lie if he say he doesn't miss those voice. 

 

"Am..ber?" He said surprised. He then press the button to see the person on the screen for confirmation. And he was right, it was her. 

 

"Yes, it's me. Oppa! Open the door." 

 

Looking down, he was thinking if he should let her in and see him in his current condition or he should just tell her to leave but maybe she might think that he was being rude to her. He don't know either. So he hesitantly press the button to unlock the door. Though he thinks he might regret it later, It's better if she should know about his condition now than hearing it from others. That's the least possible thing he could do, tell her. After all she's part of those people the he treasured the most, just like his family.

 

She gets inside. The door automatically opened for her. Leaving her shoes behind the shoe rock, she finally entered inside and saw James with his right hand in a cast hanging low to his chest.

 

Surprised to see him. She froze from where she stood her first step in the living room. Her eyes was bigger than usual. She cant open and instead she covered it with her hand. 

 

"Welcome!" He said to broke the silence since a few seconds ago.

 

"Oppa!" She called, rushing to him, inspecting his arms with full cautions.

 

"James! What have you done to yourself?" She ask worriedly, still checking his casted arm.

 

"Well, accident happens..when you least expect it. So, i ended up breaking my arm." He manage to say almost a joke, just to not worry her.

 

"The doctor said its fine, i just need to rest a bit and..." 

 

"And?" 

 

"I did undergo a surgery."

 

She eyed him and stayed silent. Looking down, a tear drops fell down on the floor.

 

"Are you crying?" He questioned that seems the obvious and the next thing he knew she was already sobbing hard.

 

"You lied to me. I been calling you the whole time for two weeks and you didn't even answered your calls, check your texts and mails and worst you didn't even informed us about your arm. You said you quite need some space, so we give you that. If i didn't go directly here, you wouldn't said anything. James, we are your friends. You are important to us. What if bad things happen to you? How would you expect me, us to react?" She said in between her convulsive gasps, she was mad. 

 

I shake my head and hide my face by looking away, so she couldn't see the rush of fresh tears pouring out of my eyes.

 

"Its been 3 weeks since i locked down myself in my apartment. Before getting discharge of the hospital, the doctor said i should prepare for the worst and that theres a 50/50 chance of recovery. It feels like a big fire was thrown to me so i was burned. I couldn't go out and tell you guys about it or even text or called you that time. I was really depressed that i couldn't even think straight. The pain is eating me alive, its like i was locked down in prison and was paralyze to even walk my feet to the bathroom. I stayed laying on my bed for two days and so the days go on and on like this. I really hate myself and how stupid i am." 

 

My eyes get full of tears that i nonchalantly wipe away before looking at her. 

 

"I don't really want you guys to worry and widespread my pain to you." 

 

"James..." She said almost a whisper.

 

I looked at her and smiled bitterly. Her concerned and worried expression began appearing to her face. She came to me and wipe my tears by it with her fingers then she hugged me tightly. She was like baymax, it was comfortable and with her warmth, it makes me want to hug her even more. Though obviously she's smaller and cuter than him.

 

"I know you are still in pain but you should work yourself out and recover physically and mentally. Stop hurting yourself by turning away to the world. I mean, you have us, your family. Because of you running away you felt so alone and was eaten alive by your sorrow. So the pain grew big that you can't even handle it yourself and you compromise it by not talking to anyone and punished your own. We wouldn't let you be alone and feel that -- disoriented feeling again. I promised." She said in a soft voice, convincing me and patted my back giving me comfort.

 

Her words sink in, all this time i was just focusing on all the bad things that had happened to me. I was really keeping a huge wall to my friends and my family not telling them anything and keeping it all by myself. And i failed to realize that it was a huge mistake. I could have died without saying goodbye. That was really absurd of me to think that way. 

 

And now that i have the taste of death, the best word that describe it was cold. It was freezing cold. Theres nothing much you can do, i came to realized that.

 

"I know it not the nicest thing to say right now but i think you should get your life back in order first." She points out while looking around my apartment. It was a major mess, like a hurricane came running through inside, i can't believe it myself that I been living this way for 3 weeks. I looked down, really ashamed that she sees all of that. 

 

"Don't worry, i help you clean them." She replied with her low voice, she's really helpful at times. 

 

Pointing to the table in front she asked. "How long since you've had a proper meal? And by that i don't mean a bag of cheetos, a box of pizza, -wait all of these are junk foods and fast food, and a diet coke?"

 

"3 weeks? I don't know either." I mumble looking at them scattered on the table.

 

She lets out a loud sighs. Then she pulled me in front of the bathroom door and ordered me to wash myself up.

 

"Okay. I give you 30 minutes to shower and then we'll go out. You need some fresh air to clear your mind and start anew. Come on. And be careful of your hands."

 

She's right, i need to get control over my life first if i want to accomplish my dreams and plans. I need to focus on getting better instead of locking myself in self-misery like i've been doing for the past week. 

 

After getting dress, she help me put back my cast. She also cleaned the room that was messed up that i unknowingly created. 

 

She brought me to a place that the both of us really enjoyed, it was a buffet restaurant. We eaten plenty of good stuffs there and she really enjoyed as much as i do. 

 

After strolling the mall and finishing watching the movies i choose. She brought me in a holy place, it was the church. She tell me to pray sincerely and so i did. I also asked for guidance and acceptance for forgiving me of my sins. We stayed there for like 30 minutes just sitting silently while observing the quiet place and people praying in the hall.

 

We all have our regrets in our past, we tried to blocked them and keep them out in our memory but it clings to you like its part of your DNA. You should choose to live your life and move on. We make your own mistake, we should learn from them and should regret nothing.

 

With that newfound resolve. I'm ready to make it work again. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--- end ---

 

 

 

a/n: sup!~ everyone ^^ THANK YOU for reading all along my trashy stories and sorry for my grammar mistakes -english isnt my first language- & sorry for any lacking -im not a good writer. I just made it today with a good mood thinking about james & amber (jamesber) friendship and depression(?). 

 

*Thanks silent subscribers. Your making me blush everytime a red notif appears. ^^

 

*i cant mention the people who requested the jamesber but here is it. Finally, after many drafts and deletes i came out with one. ^^

 

 

 

  ~amorphous~ 12.11.15