It has been a year since Minseok found out about Lu Han’s deteriorating health that resulted in his departure from their group.

When Minseok arrived in Seoul after the last leg of concert in Beijing, he had not been himself. He would lock himself in the dorm room he shared with their manager (he was thankful their manager is mostly out so he didn’t need an excuse to not lock the door), and come out only when absolutely necessary.

Jongdae had once knocked on his dorm room with the excuse of getting something for their manager, only to nag him to cook him ramyun. He later found out that it was a ploy for the members to finally see him up and about. He could tell his younger members were worried about him, but he eagerly told them it was just separation anxiety. He would eventually adjust, probably even move on.

Those happened mostly in the morning, before they set out for practice.

But the worse comes well after midnight, when they go back to the dorms.

Sometimes, Minseok would find himself expectantly looking at the door, waiting for it to open, and a certain someone will come in and collapse on his bed.

Sometimes, Minseok would smooth out his bed sheets and fluff his extra pillows, only to realize that there’s no one else to use it.

Sometimes, Minseok would wake up and pull up his left leg over to his right side, only to realize that it’s an empty space right beside him.

Some nights, Minseok would call out a name and order to close the curtains, only to realize that there was no one else but him inside the room.

On most nights, Minseok would just sob himself to sleep.

It has been terribly difficult, but Minseok has moved on. He had to. Even if he didn’t want to, he at least had to show him that there’s nothing to worry about. That he can and must continue his recovery and come back to him, well and healthy. But Minseok thinks he will accept him either way.

Minseok replays the radio guesting they did earlier. He has been caught off-guard by Park Shinyoung’s question about not having any same-age members. He has been so used to saying that Lu Han was the same age as him, but now, almost eight months later, the no I don’t have has been rather difficult to say (he silently thanks Baekhyun for supplying that answer, but blames him later on because he was the one who slipped that there used to be a time when there were twelve members).

He had been composed that morning, repeating a mantra that this interview will not be so different from the ones he used to give. But Baekhyun – poor Baekhyun – just had to let it slip.

When they got back to the dorm later that night, it was Kyungsoo who head locked Baekhyun in his right arm – claims Chanyeol specifically Skyped him to do it – and made the “middle” member cringe and laugh at the same time, making un-idol-like noises.

Minseok abandons the ruckus altogether when the six other members joined the banter.

These times, he kind of misses the maturity of the 90’s members. The eldest crosses the common area to his room and shuts the door gently behind him. He fishes for his phone inside his bag and true to what he half-expected, there’s a message from him.

I listened in earlier. I miss you. The guys too. I miss you.

*

Lu Han’s been better. He stopped flying from one place to another. He stopped being elevated to unreasonable heights. He’s getting at least seven hours of sleep a day.

He’s recovering. But he’s still making trips to the hospital, to get prescriptions mostly, often getting checked-up.

But he’s better.

Though he can no longer stand on stage with his ten brothers, and his best friend.

He misses them a lot. He hasn’t seen his Korean brothers in almost a year, but he’s been keeping tabs of their activities. He’s been in touch with Yixing most of the time, and he’s seen Yifan at a number of awards shows and events. They’ve met up privately one time and they mostly talked about what they extremely missed from their promotions as members. They ended up drunk and crying and really, part of Lu Han just wants to go back, but as Yifan said, there’s no turning back now. This is our life now. They never talked about it again, at least not between just the two of them.

Lu Han shuts his office door behind him. Today there’s a schedule Minseok will be on and he doesn’t want any interruptions. Before he left, Minseok’s been really good on radio shows. When he’s with the members, he rarely speaks, but when there’s only him or one or two other members, he’s mostly chipper. Today, one of those radio programs will air and Minseok will only be with Baekhyun and Sehun.

Lu Han searches for a livestream and when it’s on, he listens intently. He laughs with the members. He gasps when Baekhyun said twelve. And he almost breaks down when Minseok denies their same age. All of those are gone now.

When the broadcast finishes, Lu Han calls his manager and asks for his schedule to move up so he can finish early; he can really use some alone time. He sends an overseas message and hopes it can be read before he gets home.

Lu Han walks in his apartment. He hasn’t been home for the past two days with all his schedules, but he’s particularly thankful that tonight he can finally spend his night however he wants to. He doesn’t have any schedule until late the next day so he can sleep in as much as he wants. He checks his phone and notices a missed call about half an hour ago.

He sends another message, boots his tablet, takes a quick bath, and as soon as he’s dressed in pyjamas, he slides under his covers, tablet perched on his lap, and keys in the name.

Minseok’s face appears on his screen.

“Hey,” Lu Han begins.

“I didn’t think you’ll be home at this hour,” the other says, not even minding a hello or how are you. Minseok was never good with introductions, but he tries in broadcasts at least. This is the real Minseok though, not Xiumin, and he is what Lu Han misses the most.

“I rescheduled,” Lu Han retorts, “I thought you would appreciate that, at least.”

Minseok snorts and Lu Han laughs.

“Seriously though,” the Chinese man restarts after wiping his laughter off. “Did you really have to deny me?”

Minseok pauses for a second, thinking of an answer. Lu Han thinks Minseok’s scrunched up eyebrows, deep in thought, isn’t the way he remembers it. They’ve been talking on the phone a lot, but this is the first time in a couple of months that they video-called. He sure doesn’t remember seeing the darkness that shadows under Minseok’s eyes.

Minseok skirts around the subject and asks instead, “I’m still waiting for Matt Damon’s autograph, have you gotten it?”

It was Lu Han’s turn to snort, “I’ve met the man, what – two times? I can’t just shove the pen and paper to his face. Besides,” Lu Han adjusts the pillow behind him, “I really do wish you could meet him. Like in person.”

Minseok’s face falls, “Maybe I can’t in this lifetime, Lu Han.”

And Lu Han hates it that their conversation has shifted from a happy mood to a sappy one. He only wishes to see his best friend, be able to touch his face again, hold him close, maybe place a kiss or two on his cheeks or the tip of his nose.

They bid each other goodbye with the promise of calling within the next few days if their schedules permit.

Lu Han shuts his tablet off after the push and pull of who will end first. He wins in a game of rock, paper, scissors, and bids Minseok goodbye before the elder turns off his line.

Not in this lifetime, Lu Han repeats.

He checks his phone one last time and a message appears as soon as he taps on it, I’m trying so hard to live without you, but it’s too difficult. I miss you, too.

It isn’t the same, Lu Han knows it. The feeling is there, but it’s different. It’s magnified ten – no – a hundred times. And it hurts so much that Lu Han believes his heart might just burst. He wishes he hadn’t met him, for maybe he wouldn’t feel this way.

He cries silently to sleep, because despite everything, despite the hurt and the sadness, he’s hoping that this lifetime will fast forward to the time where he can meet and touch and kiss his best friend, his love, his Minseok again.

Thank you so much guys for the interest in reading this story. Apologies if I had to make this subscribers only, because aside from comments, that's the only other way I would know if anyone is actually reading or if anyone is interested in this story. I'm sure that gives encouragement to any writer or those trying to share their stories.

So, what did you guys think? There's only one more chapter and then the epilogue. I'll probably be done posting this by the end of the week. Let me know your thoughts!