[A/N]

!! This chapter contains mentions of depression and anxiety. I, the author, have no deep knowledge or experience regarding such matters. If you are offended by what I write, or if what I write is factly false, I apologize. It is not my intention to hurt, upset or misinform. You may tell me in a comment if there is something I should rewrite or delete.

Also, if you are directly affected by depression, anxiety, or anything of the sort, I advise you to not continue reading, since it may trigger thoughts or behaviors connected to such matters.  !!

Also, please note that even if my (currently terrible) writing right now makes it seem like Sehun's hardships and feelings and state of mind are only because of Luhan, that is not the case. I haven't been good at telling Sehun's story, but what Luhan did was only one factor. However, Sehun may himself think that Luhan is the one who deserves the most blame, because that may be what's easiest. It's all a mess, but I just wanted to point that out, so that you don't go all crazy on me because of the unnatural idea that Luhan's action could itself cause depression/anxiety.

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Minseok woke up feeling extremely happy and comfortable. It was a slow and hazy process from deeply asleep to fully awake, and it took him a while to realize where he was, and more importantly with who he was. When he opened his eyes, he almost, for a tiny little short second, thought he was in heaven. The sight in front of him was an aesthetic mix of white, golden and everything in between. This sleeping beauty, was he even real? Minseok doubted, even if he knew the truth. He sighed lightly, the puff of air making Luhan's bangs shuffle around.

This was pretty nice, he figured, and he was so relieved that once in his life he was able to feel that around Luhan without getting confused about it. No part of his mind was telling him that it shouldn't feel nice, that he should be cautious still. He had none of that right now, and he didn't know if it would last or if it was only because of the comfortable state he was in.

After a few minutes, Luhan's eyes flew open at a sudden moment.

"Morning" he smiled, and Minseok mirrored the expression.

"Morning, sleepyhead."

"You do know I wasn't actually sleeping just now, right?" the younger boy said with a small chuckle, making the other frown, confused by this revelation.

"You were faking?"

"Yeah, I've been up for like half an hour. When you started stirring I decided I'd pretend to be asleep to see if you would say or do something that you wouldn't think I would notice."

"Like...?"

"I don't know, but I was curious. However, you didn't do anything, since you're boring."

"Yah! I'm not boring." Minseok claimed, very much offended. He rolled away from Luhan, sitting up on the side of the bed, making it clear how gloomy he was being over the comment. Soon, he felt movement behind him, and it almost made him turn around out of curiousity, but he refused.

"Did you dream of me tonight?"

It was a low mumble, and it revealed that Luhan's lips had to be positioned right next to Minseok's ear. Shivers went over his entire neck because of the breath hitting his earlobe. He hoped this reaction wasn't obvious, while he tried to form words to answer the question.

"No. Why?"

"You drooled in your sleep."

Minseok spun around, pushing Luhan back down into the bed harshly.

"You idiot, that's just something I do!" he growled, leaving the younger laughing uncontrollably as he stormed off to the bathroom. "And it's not funny!"

After shutting the door and locking it Minseok rolled his eyes. He didn't know why Luhan annoyed him so much, but he blamed it on the fact that he just woke up. Plus that dip was being a, well, a dip. Like that annoying younger brother Minseok never had.

He washed up, fixed his hair a bit overexcessively just to realize it and put it back as it was, letting it be natural before walking out, rushing back to the bedroom to put his pants on quicker than ever before. He just couldn't stand being without them for even a second longer than necessary now when he was up. It made things so awkward.

"What's the rush, pretty boy?" Luhan peeped up from the bed, where he was now sitting legs crossed, looking way more innocent than he was, probably. His light gold hair was all fluffy on the left side, as that's the side he had slept on throughout most of the night. He was already wearing pants, a grey pair of sweats, and he had put on a fresh new white t-shirt.

Basically, he looked like an angel on a cloud of sheets, and Minseok wanted to just stare at him forever, but at the same time it was extremely aggrevating. The angel on the cloud was offensively beautiful.

Also, those two words, making the older's eyes widen, cheeks flush and heart beat a tiny bit faster. 'Pretty boy'? Some corner in his heart, the very center, the strongest but tiniest fraction of it screamed YES and SAY IT AGAIN, but there was still great resistance. The walls around the center of his heart, the mostly broken but still standing brick walls stopping such emotions from coming through, coming out, screamed louder; NO, STOP IT. However, no matter what opinion was most likely to win that battle, the words made Minseok hugely uncomfortable.

"There's no rush, and don't call me that." he almost stuttered. Luhan pouted, making his angelic radiance of innocence even more clear.

"You can't tell me what to do. Pretty boy."

"Stop that!" the oldest ordered sharply.

"Try and stop me, pretty boy." came the simple reply.

"Okay."

He walked up to the bed placing a hand over those kissable lips, smiling in triumph when soft muffled mumbles could be heard from beneath his fingers. However, feeling something hot and wet cover his palm he snatched it back with a disgusted face.

"Why would you my hand? You're so gross!" he exclaimed, smearing the saliva off of his hand and onto Luhan's chest.

"You should have been able to see that coming. Besides, my saliva's been in your freaking mouth, so what's the problem, pretty boy?"

"I swear to everything holy if you don't stop being such a stinky sock I will deep fry all your limbs and serve them to you as breakfast."

"No thank you." the younger chuckled hopping out of his bed, standing up. "But breakfast of some sort does sound appealing."

"Not of your sort." Minseok snapped back remembering how Luhan absolutely cannot make any food. His remark triggered a bunch of whining from the other's mouth, half serious annoying whining.

"Hey! That was years ago, maybe I'm better, you wouldn't know that! Maybe I'm like the best chef there ever was! Better than you! But you wouldn't know because you won't even give me a chance. That's just rude, honestly. Just plain rudeness. Rude. Ruuuuuuude. Hey, pretty boy, stop being so ru-"

The elder just couldn't take it anymore, he was so  incredibly sick of this toddler-manner Luhan was sporting, and since he couldn't get any room for talking in between the criticizing rambles he used his lips instead, roughly pushing them onto the other's. The effect was immediate; the talking ceased. It was all Minseok wanted, everything he aimed for with the harsh kiss, so he pulled back, not admitting to himself how much he ached doing so.

"...ude." Luhan finished his earlier sentence with his jaw a bit dropped, his eyes open wide. "How dare you kiss me just like that, I was in the middle of talking here! I literally just said it, and you go prove it again, you're just so rude! Interrupting my important comments."

The other sighed and facepalmed dramatically, seeing as the irritating rambling just continued as if it never stopped. "Can you shut up for one second?!"

"Doesn't seem like it, does it?" the youngest smirked, obviously having so much fun provoking his boyfriend. "Maybe if you kiss me again, this time it'll work. But you'll have to do much better. What even was that? Tsk tsk."

"Come on, I'm hungry. Just tell me what you want for breakfast and I'll make it if you would just stop pestering me like this!" Minseok tried bribing the childish boy.

"I want you." Luhan almost whispered. The answer was witty and smooth, and Minseok heated up nearly ready to explode. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Oh dear god I wish I didn't sleep over here." he mumbled, not realizing the sentence could be taken in a somewhat hurtful way. When he noticed it suddenly went extremely quiet, he opened his eyes in surprise. He met a pair of wide brown eyes with tense eyebrows and a scrunched up forehead. The lips were slightly apart, only just a tenth of an inch. The emotion written over the face was hard to interpret, but it seemed like a mix between confusion, hurt and a little bit of shock. It made Minseok very concerned and he frowned questioningly.

"You really wish that?" Luhan wondered thinly, making the older figure out what the deal was.

"No, I just-"

"If you didn't you wouldn't have said it like that."

"I swear I liked sleeping over here but-"

"It's because I wanted to wait with the ual stuff right? Without that it wasn't worth it right?"

"Luhan, stop that! You're overreacting a lot! The only reason I said I wished that was because you were being so very obnoxious so very early in the morning, and it made me lose my mind. I'm honestly happy about sleeping over here but I just want you to not be a hyperactive annoying child at this hour."

Minseok had really tried getting himself out of this mess but his explanation was once again misunderstood.

"Yeah well that's who I am. I'm sorry if my personality but there's not alot I can do about that, really." Luhan snapped in a low voice, pushing his way past the other, and into the kitchen. "I'll make breakfast myself. Alone. Where I won't annoy anyone." were his last words before he closed the kitchen door.

Whatever just happened, Minseok did not approve of. He sat down for a moment with his head in his hands, trying to calm down and at the same time figure out how to approach the man in the kitchen. He hadn't meant to hurt him, he really hadn't, but he just wasn't good with words, especially not in the morning. Sure, he usually got up early in the morning, and he hated to sleep in, but that doesn't make him a morning person. Mornings were groggy and awful and absolutely not a time for driving people mad, however that's what he himself felt, but Luhan seemed to not agree. He thought about it for a while, realizing that maybe the younger hadn't acted that way entirely to distemper his friend, maybe he had done it because he honestly thought it was fun, and maybe he honestly thought that Minseok himself would think so too.

And since Minseok liked that butthead, he should get better at tolerating and accepting the differences between himself and the other. But to be fair to himself, he also thought that Luhan should be a little more careful and respectful to the elder's preferences of a calm morning. Although on the other hand, the boy may have not known of these preferences since no one had told him about them.

Wow it was difficult being fair.

With a plan to thouroughly apologize to the other, Minseok walked up to the kitchen door, softly knocking. Since there was no answer, he knocked again.

"What is it? Are you worried I might be burning the house down in here or what?" a call came, dry and sarcastic.

"I want to talk to you."

"I'll just annoy you!"

"You're not annoying, just let me explain." he begged, and finally, after a few moments of quiet, the door opened. However, Luhan didn't spare him a glance before immediately returnning to the stove.

"I have realized that we are different and that it's okay. It was unfair of me to react the way I did, and I'm deeply sorry. In the future I will make sure that I learn to appreaciate you and your personality also in the morning and I will learn not to be such a grumpy . Also, I swear on Chanyeol's ferret's dead body that I enjoyed spending the night here and I'm very glad I did." Minseok finished and exhaled in relief. He felt content with himself after his small ramble and now he just waited for an answer. Luhan didn't say anything at first, seeming to concentrate on getting his scrambed eggs with bacon off of the frying pan and onto two plates. But when he was finished, he turned the stove off and turned around just before the older had the chance to bite his own arm in impatience.

"You didn't have to hold a damn speech, I forgave you as soon as you said the word 'sorry'. I'm not that hard-headed. I'm sorry too ya know, but whatever, you're fine just kiss me, we gotta seal this agreement somehow" Luhan smiled slightly, winking cheekily.

"That's the lamest excuse for a kiss I've ever heard." Minseok laughed, extremely happy that his apology was being accepted fully. Then he went in for a kiss, blushing slightly and closing his eyes as he dived his head forward, tilting it a slight bit up expecting his lips to be met by another pair of lips. However, they collided with something less soft, something less warm, something flatter.

He opened his eyes in confusion. Luhan was laughing loudly as his little mini prank had succeeded. Minseok snatched his head back, still taken aback.

"Did you just press a spatula against my lips?" he asked, not understanding why anyone would do something that weird.

"Uh huh! You should have seen your face" the younger snickered, putting the spatula away again as he stopped laughing. He probably understood that Minseok didn't really want the pranks and jokes right now, and before anything else could go wrong he wrapped a hand behind the older's neck and quickly pulled him back up for a real kiss, this time lips to lips, soul to soul. He dragged him into a passionate mess of admiration and hots, frustration and bliss. Their hands traveled all over eachother's, luckily clothed, bodies and their lips seemed to only break apart long enough for a short gasp of breath here and there. They really couldn't stop until Luhan softly pushed Minseok away. There was no regret, no disgust in the action, only affection and careful apologies.

"Let's not eat breakfast cold."

They fell into a half awkward silence as they both set the table. It remained quiet until they started eating the lukewarm food.

"This is actually so good!" Minseok admitted, taking another bite with a smile on his face. Luhan raised his eyebrows slightly and looked slightly offended by the surprised tone.

"I told you I've gotten better." he stated nochalantly.

"Yeah, I'm sorry." the older blushed with repentance.

"So what's happening today?"

"I don't know. I have no work today but that's as far as my plans go."

"Would you wanna stay for a while? I think I'm going to try to patch things up with Sehun today, but it's not even noon yet so I'll wait for a few hours, but being alone here is boring as hell." Luhan pouted, finishing his plate of food.

"Sure, I'll stay" the other nodded with a smile. He wasn't expressing anything near the excitement his heart felt over that though. After he too had eaten up, Luhan was quick to take care of the dishes all by himself. When Minseok desperately offered to help he was just declined with words like "I can handle a few dishes" or "no, it's quicker if you're not in the way".

"So," the younger smirked when he was done, "how about some Fifa?"

[Sehun's point of view]

"Do you really have to work today, Tao?" the sad man asked his boyfriend.

"I'm sorry, I do. They'll fire me if I keep taking days off this often." came the answer, and Sehun suddenly felt a sting of anger mixed in with all the emotions.

"Is your job more important than me?" he sneered. Zitao walked up to him with a slightly desperate look on his face. The younger felt confused, upset and panicked.

"Of course not, but you know we need the money. I'm really sorry I have to leave you alone, if I had a choice I wouldn't, but if I lose my job, we might lose a lot more than that. And right now, we really need to save money so that we can get you a good psychiatrist."

Sehun looked at the man in front of him in silence. He didn't like the situation even a tiny bit, but he understood it, so eventually he nodded slowly.

"I just wish you could stay."

His boyfriend hugged him tightly and gave him a longing kiss before letting go. "I'll be back tonight. Make sure you eat, okay?"

The younger nodded, even if he knew that he probably wouldn't eat anything. He was never in the mood for food nowadays, and he could never bring himself to care about it, either. It drove Zitao crazy, but then again, everything Sehun did or chose nowadays drove Zitao crazy. He didn't want to hurt or upset his boyfriend, hell, he wanted more than anything to be able to get healthy, to get happy, to get stable if only for his dearest's sake, but he just couldn't, and he hated himself for it. He felt like he was disappointing everyone he knew. He didn't want to be like this.

When he was alone in the apartment he sighed deeply and went to sit in the couch. He now had several hours of time, but absolutely no plans. It was 11 am, he had woken up pretty recently, but all he felt like doing was to crawl up in bed again, to fall asleep and to never wake up again. He didn't want to die, he didn't want to kill himself, he wasn't that far in, but he still didn't want to exist in this world, in this life he was barely living. He wanted to be alive, but not like this.

He was exhausted, maybe because he hadn't slept very well during the night. If he was being honest, he couldn't remember the last time he slept well.

As he lay his head down on the armrest, he put his earphones in and put on an album he was listening to alot nowadays, some alternative music about pain, about hurting, and about being angry. Sehun felt that he could relate to a lot of the lyrics, and even if they made him feel even more depressed, he at least didn't feel as alone. He felt understood by the songs.

Somewhere inbetween a song about missing someone and one about loathing society, he fell asleep.

.  .  .  .  .

A vibrating sensation woke him up, and he groaned to himself before opening his eyes. It took him a while to realize that his phone was ringing. He didn't look at the screen before answering, because he just took for granted that it was Zitao. Who else would call him, really?

"Hey" he said shortly. His voice was sleepy and hollow.

"Sehun," a voice came through the phone. It hit the man as if a smaller knife stabbed him. Not that voice, please let it be an hallucination.

"Sehun?" It wasn't an hallucination.

"I don't want to talk to you." he managed to get out, yet he didn't end the call.

"You have to, we have to fix this."

"Luhan," Sehun began, shocked at his own ability to voice that name, "There is nothing to fix. I don't want you back in my life."

"Stop saying such things. What are you doing right now?"

The question surprised him, but he answered it after a moment of ponder. "Well I was asleep before you called." he sneered.

"So you're home?"

"Where else would I be..?"

"Good, I'm coming over."

The call ended.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sehun freaked out, coming over?! No way. No way in hell.

He dialed Zitao's number to ask for help, although he didn't know what kind of help he was looking for, but no one picked up. He started to panic, eyes filling up with tears and body trembling like crazy. He was not ready for this at all, did Luhan not have any consideration in him? He can't just come over all of a sudden, he just can't. Something inside Sehun, something he hadn't been seeing in a long time, told him to wash up and to change clothes. Though he didn't really care about the freshness of his body right now, and besides, he couldn't move from the spot he was in.

Sitting in the sofa shaking and freaking out became his only activity for the next twenty minutes. He had to concentrate on breathing properly, but it was difficult, especially since five thousand thoughts distracted his mind. They were incredibly bad thoughts, horrible thoughts, scary thoughts, mean thoughts, all of them attacking Sehun's brain at once.

He didn't hear when the door eventually opened, and he didn't hear someone stepping into the room. At first he couldn't hear them talking either, but when the voice got louder he slowly came back to his senses enough to be able to register his surroundings.

"Look at me! Calm down, Sehun please calm down."

It wasn't Luhan, and the relief washed over the panicked man, although it was a dull sensation compared to everything else. Zitao sat down beside him and held him tight in a warm embrace, a method that's been proven to help Sehun the most during such attacks.

"Shhh, it's okay, I'm right here. Everything is okay. Just breathe. In; one, two, three. Out; one, two, three, four."

Little reassuring whispers and mumbles.

It took several minutes, but finally, Sehun could feel his mind calming down, his breathing slowing down. He stopped crying, and most of the obnoxious hurtful thoughts faded out.

"Thank you." he choked out, clenching onto his boyfriend, afraid to get any further away from the safety.

"No need. It's good that you're okay again. What happened?" Zitao asked softly, loosening his grip as a signal for the younger to do the same, which he did after some doubt on wther it was a good idea.

"Lu-... I... He called me." he began."He said that he's com-"

He got interrupted by a knock on the door. Sehun's eyes widened and he started trembling again, grabbing the other's sleeve.

"Don't open, please don't let him in!"

"Wait, so you're saying... that's Luhan knocking? He just called you saying he's coming over? All of a sudden? That's why you got your attack?"

The younger just nodded, feeling his breath starting to get faster and shorter again.

"That idiot...!" Zitao whispered harshly, glaring at the door. "Listen, baby, I'm going to talk to him, outside. I won't let him in. You don't need to panic. It's okay. I won't let him in."

Sehun just looked at his boyfriend, trying to calm down his breath as he watched said boyfriend walk towards the door, open it and go outside with Luhan. The door was left ajar, and the boy in the couch couldn't see anything, but he could hear every single word whenever the voices got louder.

"...never let me in if I tried planning it!"

"How can you be so inconsiderate?!"

"...never going to feel better!"

"He's not freaking ready!"

"But is he ever going to be?!"

Eventually, he couldn't take any more. He had a feeling they could stay out there for hours fighting, and he hated it. He hated the yelling, and he hated the fact that it was about him. So he gathered some energy, some courage, and actually stood up and walked to the door, swinging it open. The yelling immediately stopped as both the others stared at him in utter shock. Seeing Luhan's face made Sehun forget all about what he was planning to say, because there were so many emotions connected to that face in his head. So many emotions.

"I'm here." he said finally, "Talk."

"Are you sure about this...?" Zitao asked, concerned, and Sehun nodded fiercely.

"Sure, I'm sure." he wheezed, not realizing how shaky his voice came out. Luhan still wouldn't say anything, he just kept looking, taken aback for some reason.

"Talk to me!!" Sehun tried again, not sounding as firm as he wanted to. The oldest spoke at last.

"You're.. you-... you're not feeling well at all, are you?" he choked out, eyes suddenly watering. The younger man laughed dryly.

"Are you serious? Pity? Is that what you're giving me?"

"No, I just... I didn't think it would be this bad, but you don't even look alive, Sehun I-"

"Would you shut up about my f''''cking well being! I'm sick and tired of it! Talk to me about real things or leave!"

Luhan's tears spilled over by now, and seeing that would have made Sehun ache inside, if this was three years ago. But it wasn't.

"Let's go inside." Zitao sighed and guided the both of them into the apartment.

"Why do you hate me so much, still?" Luhan whispered.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I've apologized so many times, and I don't understand. We didn't do anything, I know I did wrong by even asking you, but nothing happened. I don't understand why you seem so... hurt about it"

Sehun was almost speechless. He balled his fists in anger.

"You never figured it out?" he asked under his breath, ignoring Zitao's look of warning.

"Figured what out? I don't know what you're talking abou-" the confused other man persisted, making Sehun completely lose it. He drilled into the other's eyes wih his own and felt his cheeks get drenched in tears.

"I was in love with you!!!" he yelled, voice cracking.

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[A/N]

Aaaaaish, this chapter, I'm really really not happy with it. I'm sorry, I'll try harder from now on >.<

So I asked you about who tops in xiuhan... Seems like a lot of people think that Luhan should top. Really? ~0o0~ If you ask me, I'm more for alternating tbh. Lmaooo I'm not sure you'll ever get any tho. The chenlay/xingdae mentions at the end of the last chapter is as high as I can go currently.. Sorry XD

Question of the chapter: Do you watch kdramas? Are there any you would recommend? I need a new one after finishing Boys Over Flowers.

Thanks for reading, and have a good time~♥