Sakura's Journal #5

The Barbarian's Cherry Blossom

Deathsworn Knights:

The kind of men who take 'Suicide Missions' and actually comeback from -Belisarius

My order has existed for thousands of years and they have been protecting people as much as they existed. -Sargeant Carrick

We are the shield that guards the civilised world from those who wish to do it harm -excerpt of Deathsworn Creed

 

I have recently met a group of knights who were hired by Jiraduveja as elite guards for the expedition. They are called the Deathsworn's and there deeds were said to even rival some of the Gimaelic folk heroes that Rainoric and Wulfgar talk about.

Their headquarters is in Sclavenia near the borders of Gimael, Ghoghtal and Vanoran. Over 3,500 men are part of this elite group. They function as shock troopers and they normally fight the Cultists and Necrophages. Their skills in battle has given some of them the previlege of using Paladin Armor that has simply increased their prowess.

The leader of the group of Deathsworn, Heinrich vowed to have the letters me and my friends wrote and sent them to our families since he is more than happy to serve Rainoric. I can get used to this kind of favors but I still miss Kagoshima.

 

Black Dust Church:

Never touch it.....ever! -Rainoric Eadwulf

May the ground swallow you whole- Creed

Hidden from sight until it is too late- Archivist Eslek Tarrosh

 

The most mysterious of the 4 Churches of Dust, who's very secrets are said to make almost anyone who hear it kill themselves. Black Dust according to the 4 fundamentals of creation represent death. It can raise the dead or decay any material imaginable just by a mere thought.

Jurina was one of the most hit of their Dust. She is still recovering from her use and extensive usage of Black Dust can actually kill her as most Black Dust Mages who aren't Broken Lords often die very quickly. Rainoric and Eslek proposed to head to the Monastery in Aksyar west of Baizan to help her.

 

 

I have a just learned from Bishop Rowan Dain that there is a monastery in Aksyar that once belonged to the White Dust Bishops that can help me find the temple and or find 'the weapon'. Eslek told me that the ruins in the Aksyar deserts are often dangerous but if Rowan wants me to find 'the Eyes of Auriga' then we will have to risk it.

 

I also cannot believe that Miyuki is pregnant with Belisarius' child. I me and everyone were shock at first on the news but I am happy to see that Miyuki is happy to be with Belisarius. He is a good man and I wish them the best. Yukirin and Paruru have volunteered to keep an eye on Miyuki during her expecting days. I worry for Belisarius though, He was acting very strained after he heard that he will become a father.

 

 


 

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Amalya
#1
Chapter 6: Hmm. So things are certainly unfolding at a quick pace here. It's a little bit tricky keeping track of things because the forces were jumping around on Earth, showing up in one place when they were apparently expected in another, and the defenses against the intruders seem pretty ineffective. I know they're space faring warriors but couldn't we get a little more detail beyond 'necklaces' that protect them. How exactly do these things protect them?

I do like how you've been explaining more and giving more detail as the story progresses, so that's definitely something, but I have noticed a relative habit of how your voice suddenly jumps in to mention how this will be important later or explains something in the now and it's jarring. You could have one of the characters explain things mid-story, or even use the non-dialogue space to add world details that wouldn't pull the reader out of the moment when they're reading.

I was also a little confused by Rainoric's reaction to Sakura because he, and his people/friends, seem to be treating slaves with remarkable manners. But who knows. Maybe that's just the way they treat beings so far below them. *shrug* I also would prefer if you actually did more showing instead of telling with your battle scenes as opposed to saying "I'll let you use your imagination here." It comes off as lazy writing. I can imagine plenty, but I still want guidelines when you're showing me your world and what's happening in it. Do you know what I mean?

In this chapter, I was also curious when Sakura hit her head? I didn't catch that so I was surprised when she was suddenly waking up from a week long coma. :S But things are slowly starting to come together and while I'm not sure what the larger, central conflict of the world is going to be just yet, you seem to have tension aplenty between the people as a warrior race, if nothing else.
Amalya
#2
Chapter 3: Okay. So I'm just starting to read this and while I probably won't comment on every chapter, I do intend to pause every so often. I think the image in the character bio page is broken since I can't see the picture at all. I'm personally not a huge fan of character bios in the beginning of the story myself but in this case, I do think it's helpful information since most of the characters are almost completely new (goodness knows I've never heard of most of them haha).

For this chapter, I have at least begun to get an idea of what's going on in the story, though I find myself wishing for more description. What do these people look like? What sorts of mannerisms do they have, other than surprising knockouts when someone is apparently talking too long? Are they all humanoid? Do any of them talk with accents? These kinds of things. I did appreciate the explanations at the bottom of the chapter, though I also think you might have been able to work them into the story. While I also appreciate you have linked the information available for us to read up on the Endless game series, it's also something I tend to think you may want to work on incorporating more yourself. Then again, I don't know if you were expecting people to be familiar with the Endless game series if they found your story, so that could just be me at the moment.

I would say be careful with some of your spellings since I noticed a few mistakes here and there, but overall, things are easy enough to understand. I'm curious to see how the rest of the world/story unfolds with that tag you've added at the end of this update in regards to world changing consequences. heh We shall see.
UltimateLockSmith
#3
Chapter 37: Wow... Annya became a sacrifice... Rena's well... both her and Jurina in one go.... ....
fenrirabyss
#4
Chapter 36: OMG awesome update 10/10 OMG Jurina what are you doing!?!?!?!
fenrirabyss
#5
Chapter 34: Why?....I dont know what to do now......T^T
RukaKikuchi
#6
Chapter 34: *speechless* *tears flowing* Why...? T^T
RukaKikuchi
#7
Chapter 33: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! TT_____TT
RukaKikuchi
#8
Chapter 32: WOAH! This is a new kind of body swap... uh, if you can count it that. XD
Update soon! *bows*
RukaKikuchi
#9
Chapter 24: O_________O Holy freaking crap......
UltimateLockSmith
#10
Chapter 8: Hey, for your question an adding another character from AKB, I want SKEs Takayanagi Akane... In some action fanfics I've read with Churi, she fights hard... One Fic I've read, Churi had a fudging jet XD