They say love that is forbidden is the best type. If that's true, then why did Kyungsoo feel even more anguish now than ever before. He was not going to deny those feelings for Kim Jongin, but it certainly wasn't love. It was more a feeling of necessity. While, for Jongin at least. Said boy was following Kyungsoo around like a needy puppy. And although the older forever responded in a cold and standoffish way, Jongin made him feel some sort of way. A warm, filling feeling invaded Do Kyungsoo whenever the boy was with him. He wouldn't say he disliked said feeling, but honestly the feeling made me depressed. Such an odd, uncommon feeling reminded the man of his previous love affair. Which also meant whenever he spent with his so called "boyfriend", an extreme wave of nostalgia crashed upon him.
Kyungsoo's not sure if he'd go as far as to say he hated spending time with Jongin, he wasn't sure how to explain it. It was very true that the younger made him feel safe in some way. But every time he saw Kim Jongin's happy, bright smile, it brought back memories of another perfect smile that also told him not to worry. Although Kyungsoo had been assured by Jongin many times that he loved him and wasn't going anywhere, the same thought would often crept up from the darkest regions of his mind. And that thought was this: What if Kyungsoo was nothing more than a charity case, or post-it to Jongin? Would be thrown out and forgotten? Tossed aside like the garbage he was? Commons thoughts that plagued him relentlessly each passing night.
Those two concerns were partially why Do Kyungsoo didn't allow Jongin to touch him, for once it got past that, the attachments were unbreakable. Anytime he let the man come over, Kyungsoo made sure to keep his bedroom door closed and out of question (not that he every really used the bed). When they'd sit to either watch something on the television, or simply relax in silence, Kyungsoo was always quick to take the seat furtherest from Jongin. And it didn't seem to bother him. He wasn't even bothered by the fact that Kyungsoo got visibly shaken whenever he mentioned love. Then the second reason was Kyungsoo's fear of human contact. Touching people, feeling their pulses, their heartbeats, all of it terrified him. Kyungsoo truly saw himself as nothing more than a bad omen, so if he touched someone, it was almost certain he'd cause them some form of harm. Being within such a close proximity of Jongin gave him a rush of fear, almost impossible to quiet.
Kyungsoo was to a point light years past platonic. Every time the owl-eyed boy saw a hand moving in his generally direction, Kyungsoo tensed up, even going as far as to say he felt nauseous. In more simply words, the older boy had haphephobia. At first he didn't notice it for he never felt threaten (or he never noticed anyone eyeing him), but the Jongin crash landed into his life. Jongin burst the little bubble Kyungsoo secluded himself in, forcing him to deal with life. Forcing him to deal with those restless nights, a thing he'd intended to put off until he died. Death.
Death, dying, a subject that was oddly crept slowly into his mind regularly. Unlike others, who seemed to have their hearts filled with the fear of death, Kyungsoo was ready. He wanted to greet death like an old friend. Kyungsoo yearned to see Chanyeol, even if only for a few measly moments. Most weep, and pray, when the time comes, but him? He wanted to be taken away, snd see Chanyeol. The boy was willing to sacrifice himself in order to be a small amount of time, those few minutes would be worth everything. Kyungsoo could stand an eternity in hell if he was just able to see his lover's smile, hear his laugh, look into those dark eye know he was safe no matter what. Ending it all would be a reasonable price to pay for a chance at eye contact with Park Chanyeol. Death would also mean no more people, no sleepless nights, no more tears, no more anything. He'd never divulgate these thoughts, and it's not like anyone would care either way.
Kyungsoo stared out at the falling snow while a tear somehow found its way down his pale cheek to his heart-shaped. These tears where different than the ones he shed each night. That tear was filled with regret, guilt, and maybe an ounce of sadness. Someone, Jongin must've known he was crying, for he spoke up.
"Kyungsoo, is something the matter?" He inched closer and closer to the boy who faced the icy window.
"Jongin, I-I have to go. I don't belong here."
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