Same Mistakes
Falling Before FlyingHow can we tell when we're wanted? A basic human need, being wanted, so hard to decipher. And when we somehow define it, where is the line between being wanted by someone and plainly being a liability for someone. Is there even a line that separates having someone desire your company and being that filler friend? Human beings are like dogs, going after any little bit of attention is thrown their way. We crave it, it's the worst kind of addiction. Then when we're given the attention we so desperately run after, there's the small voice in the very back corner of our minds telling us that it's not sincere. The kind of attention that is most often given out is to shut others up. We throw them a bone and call it good. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, wasn't even liked enough to be considered a liability. Nobody wanted to simply bother by pretending to care for him. But, in all reality, is it better to have wanting and caring faked rather than not have it at all?
One question Do Kyungsoo had no answer to, but knew which he'd pick. He'd much rather have emotions imitated to him than go without them. Otiose, unreal actions could somewhat offer a sort of satisfaction than receiving none at all. It'd be short-lived, that satisfaction. The best comparison is being high, high of the feelings of being wanted. When it finally clicks on the your brain that those "friends" didn't want you, the high end. You crash and burn. Some recover, get used to the feelings. And for some, each time they come down for that "high", it's catastrophic.
A therapist would most likely categorize him in the second group. They'd claim he had servilely rough compartmentalize skills. Those people who are paid to tell us what problems we have would say that Kyungsoo is afraid of letting go, afraid of change, and most importantly, afraid of the future. But so what if he was? Aren't we all? Isn't everyone afraid to let go of the everything the past holds? The things that have made them stronger, the people that taught them how to love, and the experiences they'll never forget. Letting go hurt likes a sliver bullet to the heart.
Do Kyungsoo hadn't talked to nor seen Jongin since the whole library episode. There was absolutely no way Kyungsoo could face that man after broadcasting his emotions like that. He had practically let his emotions explode all over the walls, and he was not okay with that. Jongin tried his best to act somewhat quixotic, but that had made everything worse. You could say he was haphephobic, and Jongin touching him just made Kyungsoo more upset. In any situation where someone would hug him or he'd start crying or anything of that nature, he's flee as fast as humanly possible.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
What time was it? Was it morning? With the curtains undrawn, it was possible to tell the time of day. Hair ruffled, face puffy, and body shirtless, Kyungsoo rose out of his bed to find out who was making said noise. And what he found behind that door would change his whole day.
"Hello, Kyungsoo. Before you close the door, please let me explain myself." Eyes filled with desperation, he continued, "I asked someone at the library for your address. I'm not here for some stupid dalliance or anything of those matters. I simply came to check up on you. I've seen people take their own lives because no one has given them the time of day. Now the ball is in your court, can I come in?" Just why the way Jongin seemed to trust Kyungsoo showed him that the man on his threshold was much more meliorism than himself. That was a trait he hates to see in people, nonetheless, Kyungsoo reluctantly let him inside. Maybe it was due to honesty, maybe Kyungsoo just hadn't fully woken up yet, but whatever it was, it caused him to let the man in.
"I'm going to go clean up, you did drop in quite unexpectedly Kim Jongin." Bitterness towards the man was prevalent in his voice, yet Kyungsoo tried his best to remain as civil as possible.
"Sorry about that, Kyungsoo. The people at your work only had your address on hand, not your number."
"That's because," he called from the other room, "I am not in possession of a phone. I have no need for such a thing." Exiting what Jongin assumed to be the man's bedroom, Kyungsoo seemed like a whole different person. A black t-shirt hung from his frame loosely, and even from where he was sitting, Jongin could tell Kyungsoo had a belt on. Now with the proper observations, Jongin was able to see how thin this man was. It wasn't natural, he could simply tell that Kyungsoo neglected to eat.
"I've brought bagels, please take some Kyungsoo."
A suspicious aura surrounded Jongin through Kyungsoo's eyes, and there was no way he'd accepted food from him. From anyone. Sharing food is one of the most basic human bonding moments, in short meaning major attachments would be formed.
Completely disregarding the offer, Kyungsoo continued to berate the man, only far more directly now, "Why the are you here? If you showed up to make me talk about my 'feelings' and all that , the door is that way." He refused to sit down with the man.
"I'm not, so stop." The tone of his voice turned stern, taking Kyungsoo by sheer surprise. "I came to make sure you weren't dead Kyungsoo!" Jongin now stood, raising his voice even more.
"Well I'm practically a corpse! A zombie!" The shorter screamed back, knocking the glasses off the countertop in anger. With silence enveloping the room, all that was heard was the shatter of glass. "Look," breaking the somewhat uncomfortable silence, "I don't know what you even want from me. I'm empty. There's nothing I can give you that you'd want." Instinctively, Kyungsoo turned is fave away. Only, a spilt second later, it was turned back by a soft hand to face its owner.
"Do Kyungsoo, you can give me you."
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