Hurts Like Heaven
Falling Before FlyingOne of the most important things in life is remembering to tell people you love them while they're still able to hear you. People take those three little words for granted, failing to use them appropriately. We throw 'I love you' out so much, does it even have any real meaning anymore? When we decided to use those three words, we have audacity to shorten it to three simple letters. That's we show we "care" about someone. That's how we shows how much someone means to use, with three letters. Maybe 'I Love You' has lost it's meaning. But every once in awhile, once in a blue moon, someone might surprise you with it. The human race is full of surprises.
One of the thing Kyungsoo regretted most in the entire world was not telling Chanyeol that he loved him more. Sure he told him on his death bed, but besides that occasion, there was no other memory of him saying it. It's not that Kyungsoo didn't love him, it was more along the lines of love was such a foreign concept to him. Kyungsoo was a child when it came to that topic. He wasn't used to having someone actually care about him, for when Kyungsoo was in Heaven, he was doing most of the caring. Regretting not telling someone you love them haunts you forever, Kyungsoo learned that the hard way.
The library was more desolate than usual, which Kyungsoo took as a blessing. Less idiots messing up his books and less stupid questions to answer. On that particular day, Do Kyungsoo was flooded with even more depressing memories of Chanyeol. Some days it came in small drops, on others it came is waves. But today, today was different. Today it was almost as if Chanyeol were there. Anywhere Kyungsoo looked, he'd swear he saw the man's face and would get a rush of emotion. But then, reality would rear its ugly head and remind him that his lover was six feet under.
To prevent any of irrational hallucinations that seemed to plague him, Kyungsoo hid alone in the cooking section of the library. Him and Chanyeol were quite fond of cooking, and now it was the only thing that offered him a somewhat proper solace. It was painful solace. He wasn't why he inflicted it upon himself because each time he would, the end result would tears and a bottle of liquor. If it was such torture, why'd he do it? Why do we knowingly inflict pain on ourselves? Maybe we're wired that way. Maybe we like it. And without, maybe we wouldn't feel real. Kyungsoo didn't feel real. He felt like a puppet on strings, being pulled around for everyone's entertainment. An object someone was controlling, and Kyungsoo couldn't get away. He was a prisoner, a puppet of his own mind.
"Kyungsoo?" Who was it? What did they want? Couldn't they see that he was in a state of utter loneliness and self hated. "Kyungsoo, are those tears? What's wrong?" By this point, he identified the owner as Kim Jongin. That last person he wanted to see.
"Get the hell away from me." Kyungsoo wanted to move, but his body was frozen. Each and every muscle in his body became concrete. As much as he wanted to stop crying, his eyes kept producing more and more. When another human being sees you crying, an automatic attachment is formed. It's one that no matter how hard you try to sever, will always be filled with the memory of vulnerability. In Kyungsoo's world, it was the worst kind of attachment.
"Kyungsoo let me help you. Just tell me what's wrong!" He closed his eyes, praying that this was all a dream. A horrible dream he'd wake up from, find Chanyeol next to him, and be told everything was going to be alright.
"I don't need fixing! I'm not yours to fix. You don't even know about me, damn it! Leave me alone! I don't need help and I'm not your problem solve!" Then whose problem was he? Did he need fixing? We all deny it. Deny that we need help, deny there are problems, and deny we are in pain until we go past the breaking point. After that, no one can help us other than ourselves. So we pray that someone will notice outlet denial and stop it before it becomes dangerous.
"Life isn't a problem that can be solved!" That was true. If Kyungsoo had solved it, he'd be back home with Chanyeol holding him tight. He was at a crossroads, insanity and denial verses reality and pain. All he had to do was pick one, and his life would figured out.
But life isn't a problem to solve, and yet we sit for hour on end trying to find a way to outsmart karma or fate. We tell ourselves that there is some way we can write our own rules, own fate. But every day comes a new story of someone dying, some tragedy striking, something bad happening. And we're back to square one with no way out, acting like preschoolers, desperately trying to get things to go our way.
If things would've gone Kyungsoo's way, he'd be back home next to his best friend. He never would've gone to earth to deliver that message, never would've met met Park Chanyeol, and never would've been kicked out. But would have Kyungsoo been better off not knowing love or friendship? Key word of all those sentences: would've. We constantly say we would've done thing differently, but honestly who are we trying to convince? Nobody cares enough to actually believe we what we say. People are too preoccupied with their lives to believe the lies of yours. So are we trying to convince ourselves? The truth that is no matter how many times we tell ourselves over and over that we would've done things differently, we can't convince ourselves. We end up believing out own lies. We make ourselves believe that the truth obsolete.
The truth is hard. The truth is uncomfortable most of the time. And more commonly, the truth hurts like complete and utter hell. What Kyungsoo needed to hear was the truth, but nobody cared enough to tell him. Nobody cared about him, and that's the way he used to think he wanted things.
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