6. Our dorm?

I am here standing right at the front of our dorm building, recalling the times, recalling the reason, asking myself, why am I living here anyway? Yeah, 8 years ago, I signed a contract with Sment. A contract wherein dating is prohibited within 4 years and you’re not allowed to terminate any of the ‘deals’ in the contract.

My feet are resting on a certain place, a place owned by people who took my freedom, who took my happines, who took my rights, who dictated everything. I feel so unsecured, I feel like drowning, like choking, it’s painful.

Those were the list of things I keep running away from when all these jokes started, when all these ot9 happened.

But the eight became my wall, they became my strength whenever I feel so weak, cheering me up was the best they can do. Even for just a short time, the taste of being happy lingers continously inside my body. The happiness of being happy was so much nothing compared to what I felt whenever I see their smiles, their support to me.

I miss the times wherein I can laugh freely, I can smile freely, not thinking twice, no hands were resting on my chest. I miss the times where I am so much like a human.

Mistook me, misjudged me, I care not much because I know myself there are 8 girls waiting for me, holding me, keeping my feet to stand. Why does it feel so good to reminisce, to bring back the supposedly trashed memories? Why do I feel so much contented during the times where I have no spotlight? Why?

And why?

Why? Why do I feel the happiness towards the other group? Why are they the one who can make me smile? who can make me laugh? Ah, yeah, right, everything changed, a lot changed, everyone did. I eyed the building at my front for the last time. I will enter this once again, asm uch as I am afraid, is as much as I am looking forward to it. Every ounce of pain creeped my body, pierced my heart and blackened my mind. They all came back as if asking me how much I missed them.

I opened the door, all that welcomed me is an open air and a breath of emptiness. Looking back at my cell phone, the last one who called me, 
Jessica Jung? Bits by bits, the harsh reality captured me bac kfrom my dream and realized that I am not in the world I thought I am standing.

Setting my foot into these concrete, placing its roots and telling me that reality, this is. I can’t even play happy right now. I don’t even have the right to play happily right now. What the hell am I actually doing right here and now anyway?

‘Use the van.’ It was a simple order, I knew for a fact what it really meant but still, questions flooded my mind. Why should I use the van again? Just why- Oh that’s right. I’ll enter the van, drive it to where they are and pick them up just to make it sure that they are safe.

Rushing the keys and me feet to bring me as quickly as they can at the parking lot, I entered the driver’s seat and started to drive. Maybe if I looked at them, watched them once again, I will now get the answer I needed for YG’s question. Maybe then, I get to realize that it already has been painful enough for me, for everyone.

I smiled, if I can, I will laugh but that will only make me look much more crazier than I was. Miserable woman would be standing in front of the other 8 later on, I can’t show them how fragile I am. I am strong, I wish I am that strong.

Stopping the tracks at the nearest street, a huge hotel came to the view. Why does it look so familiar? What day was it yesterday again? Was it September 22?

Everything came back to my mind, concealing the happiness I felt and all the good memories made by the 4 girls last night, all of them were destroyed. In just an instant. Maybe that was why the genuine happiness was all i felt earlier it’s because I dream for what’s beyond the reality. Maybe the reason why I got to enter the legendary YG entertainment. The reason why I’m here is because I will be picking up the 8 people who celebrated the birthday of Jongdae, rather than celebrating mine. Who am I kidding?

The supposedly pain that I buried last night should be long gone but again, who am I kidding anyway? I should be used to it. To the pain, the madness, the fake laughs and smiles, the tears and everything. I should all be used to it, but why does it still hurt?

I took my cell phone out and tried to reach Jessica with a simple “I’m here.” It took only a mere half a minute for Jessica to call.

“Jessica?”

“Kim Hyoyeon, come here upstairs,” and the line was cut.

It’s fine. I keep on telling myself that it’s fine. It will be fine, really but just as the sad same truth came on slapping me, nothing’s gonna be fine. I took my steps and come inside the room that Jessica told me earlier and when I entered?

The lingering smell of alcohol kind of burned my nose. They had a drink, without me. I told you, it’s fine.

I scanned the room with my eyes and saw everyone else wasted and dumped at each other’s side. The only ones who was awake were Sunny and Jessica. The two glanced at me and the glance soon turned into stare. Why am I feeling so uncomfortable right now?

They both took their steps and stood up only for Sunny to run towards me and hugged me, tightly. Even though the hug made me feel better as it always does, my eyes were still fixed at the figure of the one and only Jessica Jung who only stood up just to take their things.

“Help us to bring those inside the van,” in a strict tone which I have probably heard for the nth time already.

I knew it. It’s not like it’s something that shocked me anyways. Maybe, just maybe, I was just hoping that maybe, we could celebrate my birthday or something. Late celebration. Is that impossible? I did what I could even though I feel like my arms are ripping off their own not because the bags were heavy maybe, just maybe, I don’t have the strength to move.

It really was expectations vs the reality.

I took care of some of the bags and when I returned, I saw Sunny trying to bring Taeyeon to the van we’re supposed to use so I helped Sunny and she gave me a short smile. Next is Tiffany, Yoona and the rest, leaving only Yuri and Sooyoung behind.

I took a glance at her.

It saddened me, a lot to see her like that. I can’t even touch her nor be next to her like we always do. I am debating over myself wether to carry her around or maybe let Sunny do the thing. I just don’t want to wake Yuri up and make her see me the first thing she does.

I know how much she hates me.

And that was when Sunny came in the door and said, “I’ll take care of it.”

Sunny has got Sooyoung and Yuri, I insisted to take care of Sooyoung instead. When we got down, I saw Taeyeon and Jessica talking to each other. I wasn’t really surprised anyway. We managed to put the two giants inside and because I am the only one who can drive well at this time around, I sat on the driver’s seat, like I usually do, for them, before.

I started the engine and went to look at Sunny who sat beside me. Where should I bring them again? For me, it still feels so unreal. After years and years of feeling mistreated and all, why do I still think that someday it would be alright? Why do I still believe that they would have a change of heart? And you know, that is when I realized that the most painful thing in the world to ever feel was the slapped truth. Doubled? No. Tripled? No. Then what? I don’t know.

Buildings, stoplights, cars and numerous of roads had passed by and were taken already. We’re here. I drove them only to see that no one even waited for me. It’s funny enough to make me chuckle a bit, a sarcastic one and only a mere presence of Sunny made the chuckle fade and remake it with a sad smile.

She smiled before my presence and urged me to walk with here to get up towards our dorm unit which I don’t even know why do we- they still live there. The door was sighted and I opened it with my right hand, letting Sunny lead the way.

And what greeted me?

Taeyeon.

“Kim Hyoyeon, what the hell was your problem last night?” A question spout with her eyes trying to pierce my flesh.

The two maknaes of the group are watching this little show inside the kitchen while having Jessica sit at the couch and Sunny staying by my side.

“I will repeat, what the hell was your ing problem last night?” A slight chuckle again came out of my lips. What was my problem? Is she really going to ask me that? Who is she to ask me that question anyway?

“And what’s with my problem, Taeyeon?”

No emotion can be seen on my face, not that I speak with an angry tone or such, I kept my straight face and look at her eyes. You’re not like this, Taeyeon. I know, you’re not.

“Are you making a joke out of me?” Now, Taeyeon has thrown daggers at my side.

“I am not. Do you want me to?”

And because of what I have responsed, Jessica’s switch has , “y attitude huh?” A statement that I would never have wanted to receive from any of them, especially Jessica.

I bit my lip. Why? To hide my lips from turning down. As much as I am disappointed at Jessica, I am very much disappointed at myself too. Very very.

I dragged my eyes towards Jessica’s cold gaze and smiled not-so-sweetly.

“What’s y with that, Jessica? Was it wearing my sunglasses at the dark last night only to promote my fashion line? Was that it?”

Turning the switch twice, Jessica’s face has gone red and I know she’s mad. She was hurt too, probably. She was irritated by me and she’s probably cursing the hell out of me inside her head- in which she can always do right in front of my face. I know how much she resented me a long time ago already. I know how much I ed up their lives, with only just the fact of me breathing in front of them. But did she ever wonder how do I feel?

How much pain, how much resent, how much regrets, how mad I became, how crazy I was- still am at everything’s that’s happening before my eyes? Did she know just a little bit of it?

I wonder.

“See, I didn’t do anything wrong at you yet you’re stepping down on me? How about having some manner?” A shout that made me want to cover my ears so bad.

I wanted to fight, really I do but can you even believe someone like me? Instead of hurting them, I am keeping all the pain. A hole on my heart? Not a problem, if only I could take all the sadness and sickness away, I would. If I should die for them, I would.

After all, I am a member of Girls’ Generation.

“I was just simply telling you what I have seen, what’s with that?” I stopped for a moment to scan her face. She was about to open but I cut her off, “I have some respect but you know, the problem is that it fades when the person I am talking to lacks it,” in a blink, her palm met my cheeks.

Was it painful? Yes, it is. With numerous of rings on her fingers and long nails, I would be surprised if my skin wasn’t a little bit of torn. Sunny simply moved me aside and took me behind her back.

“Such a thick-faced you are, no? You weren’t even a little bit of ashamed of what you’re doing? You’re just a fill-in in this group yet you’re acting so petty?”

I smiled a bit with Sunny still holding me behind her back, her fingers wrapped tightly around my arms, “Stop shoving it on my face, please? I knew it very well more than you do and if I am that thick-faced as what you have said, you should’ve seen me last night at the party?” and I shot another smile.

The truth is, it hurts. Goddamn, it hurts a lot. To hear it from a Girls’ Generation member herself? It hurts. But you see, my pain doesn’t really have anything to do with all of this. She made it clear. I am just a nobody.

“Stop bickering,” Taeyeon stated with her looking down the floor. No, I won’t be surprised if she will throw me another statement that would hurt me again.

“Just answer the question. Stop ing about everything, it doesn’t suit you well.”

A slight sarcastic chuckle came out of my mouth, “Do you want the truth?”

"Of course."

“Maybe I thought that birthday party was for me and maybe that’s why I left that place when I got to know that it wasn’t for me. Just maybe,” if only you knew Taeyeon. If only you knew how my attacks made me want to kill myself, maybe you’ll stop telling me a .

“You didn’t even greet Chen? Ettiquete? I can’t believe you’re a member of SNSD.” I can’t believe it too. You don’t even notice my presence.

“Maybe I was just too happy last night and forgot to greet him. It was 22nd of September but maybe all of you thought that it was the 23rd so Chen’s birthday was celebrate. Don’t worry, you guys are forgiven.”

“Are you still hoping?” What kind of question was that?

I didn’t waste any time to find my answer. If only these 8 people could read my mind they would know how much I have missed them, how much I love them. I didn’t waste half of my existence for this kind of bull. And yes, I am still hoping even though it’s too painful for me.

I’m like a ticking bomb, waiting for the right time to explode and maybe, the time’s up.

It’s already too much.

With a little bit of tears on my eyes, I stared at Taeyeon’s orbs, “Yes, but don’t you worry, I’m stopping right here,” and even though it was hard for me to say those words, I managed because I know somewhere deep inside, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

Once a Girls’ Generation, will always be a Girls’ Generation.

“You should be. You’ve got no place here.” A slight- no not slight, a huge remark made by Jessica right before she closed her room’s door.

“You’re not in fairy tale. Greet Chen, this is an order,” and there it was, she left.

I never once thought that my life is a fairy tale. My life will never be a fairy tale. Can never be.

"And stop being a , it’s tiring."

I turned my back against Taeyeon’s back and walked towards my room with Sunny still holding my arms. She treated me so well and sometimes I kind of pity her because she still stay beside me when I am not even worthy with any of the members. She sat right beside me while I took care of my meds for a reason that-

"And stop being a , it’s tiring.” It keeps on repeating inside my head.

I’m slowly getting dizzy and my chest’s starting to get so tight. Short breaths were taken and everything seems to look so blurry. Do I really deserve to be called ? Maybe, I do. They can never call me by name unless it has a ‘’ on it, no?

Should I sign the contract?

Sunny held my chin and made me face her, while staring at each other’s eyes barely, her’s are searching for what’s inside me. Slowly, her eyes are getting watery and her right hand reached my back with a tap.

"Do whatever you want, do what makes you happy. Stop hurting yourself, please."

And then she stood up to leave the room with me hanging. Too much things are running inside my head, whilst wanting to calm myself down from the attacks, I wanted to figure out what Sunny really means of what she said.

She knows something’s up with me?

What I want? What makes me happy? Does it really matter?