3. Birthday, again?

I've just came back from the hospital. I went inside our dorm and saw each one of them wearing a cocktail dress with their killer heels on. Everyone looked stunning. Seohyun called me to our room, she's my room mate.

"Unnie, wash-up and pick something nice to wear. Of course, a dress." She finished it with a genuine smile.

What's with this commotion? I looked at the digital clock on my phone and saw 6:37 pm written on it. The sky's getting dark already but it is still early for a normal day to party.

Seohyun probably took a notice of my curiousness and ordered me once again.

"Just dress up unnie. Hehe."

I agreed to it, as if I have a choice here. I went inside the bathroom and washed my face, brushed my teeth. Well, I thought of not cleaning up my body anymore but the smell of it stinks. I enjoyed a lot with Kibum earlier at the arcade we just passed by. I got out of the bathroom and got the dress my Seohyun would like. The neat one, but as the fashoin terrorist, I paired it up with a sneakers. It looks great, though.

Their dresses compared to mine are like jewelries, I only wore a simple black dress that has the length of literally right above the knees.

"Hyoyeon, hurry up. You got here late and you're doing your things slow?" I wanted to ignore Taeyeon, but hey, I'm not slacking off.

I should be resting here, taking my time to relax but here I am, wearing a dark dress and was about to follow them to somewhere I don't even have a worth for, somewhere I am not even needed anyway.

"If you'll just keep on nagging at me about how slow I am, you guys shouldn't have just waited for me. As if you guys cared."

She just rolled her eyes at me while I passed her to get out of the room. I only brought my car keys, cell phone, a small purse for my money, incase I got hungry and a small container that contains my medicines.

They all went for the same van and seated beside each other. Sunkyu invited me in, but I rejected it. I don't want to get out of place, so I just used my car. I followed the van until it stopped infront of a big hotel.

I entered a room, a dark room, with no lights on, but I saw Kibum and Jinki smiling at me. Seohyun dragged me further inside the room.

She brought me to the other 7 members. All of them are smiling, not for me, of course, I'm not silly. Seo just wrapped her arm on mine and I can feel her excitement from here. What'll happen, really?

I was about to ask one of the eight when Sunny faced me already.

"Hyo shh. This will be fun."

This will be fun? What's so happy about this? It's dark, hella dark. What's great with the darkness alone?

I turned my head to the two dongsaengs of mine, Kibum and Jinki, both of them are smiling widely. I also looked at Seo beside me, she's also smiling.

When I looked at my right, I accidentaly saw a banner. It's dark in here but the light that entered from the small window causes me to see a blur of what's written on it. Happy Birthday? What?

Birthday? Birthday... Today is 22nd of September. It's my birthday. Oh my God. Is this really a surprise? For me?

My heart's beating like crazy, I'm getting nervous. My dry hands got a little bit sweaty. Was everything all planed? An act? Earlier at the dorm? I don't care if they didn't showed me enough importance during the past 3 years. Just saying sorry to me even once or even by just letting me feel that I have an importance of being an member of SNSD, just once, in three years is fine. I can forgive them, a hundred times.

A spotlight flashed to a tall man standing on the center of the stage. Siwon of Super Junior is smiling widely while holding a black microphone under his lips.

"Welcome everyone! We're all here to celebrate a special birthday of S.M.'s beloved artist." I was about to stand and bow to the audiences but was interrupted by Siwon's voice.

"Chen of Exo, Happy Birthday! We advanced your party to this day because Exo have a concert for tomorrow night, right? Happy Birthday!" I'm on the verge of shock.

My world stopped it's motion, my eyes rested on one particular location. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. The happenings are still buffering on my mind, it's still loading. So, it's Jongdae? Hahaha. Happy Birthday?

Why did I even hope for something like this? For something, that I know won't happen? Why would they even surprise me a grand party like this anyway. No one would remember this very special day because I'm nothing. I'm just so stupid enough to believe on that theory that everything was just planed beforehand to make me feel nervous, hurt and then bam, make me feel happy, surprised.

I stood up, not caring about a single damn thing with who will see my fashionable leave at this party. I headed straight to the parking lot and got inside of my baby, my car, okay. Kibum and Jinki probably didn't notice me, their attentions are with Jongdae who's having his speech at this moment. I don't have any hard feeling for Chen. We are close, I'm close with the Exo hoobaes, it's just that I expected. And that expectation, failed me. I got in this industry earlier than Chen. But why do I feel like I'm slowly being forgotten by everyone? I'm getting my hopes too high. Because of what Sunny did earlier, I though, this bond, will be fixed. But I was wrong.

As I held my car's steer tightly, I felt my chest ache. As my chest hovered up and down, the pain I'm feeling with my chest is really uncontrollable. My heart attack is getting me, again. I quickly searched for the pouch I threw earlier because of my anger, I kinda regret it by now, I searched for the medicine I prepared earlier. I need to calm myself.

But the tears won't stay calm, they keep on falling to my lap, my dress, my cheeks. I tried my best to hold my tears, but I knew, I can't. It's so painful, my chest was getting crushed at the same time my heart was. I tried my best to open the window and I, successfully did.

"I need Kibum..."

I still have this hand on my chest, I couldn't care less about the people or even those paparazzi who would see me here, currently suffering a massive heart attack. I care a lot more about my life, my heart than those dance breaks, people called my 'career'.

Without thinking, I shifted my keys on it's hole which caused the engine of this car to start operating. The air from the mini air condition set up on my car blew cold air to my wet face. The coldness of it with the mixture of the coldness from the weather itself, was just enough to make me shiver. I want to go somewhere silent, somewhere I can find peace. I badly need it.

As I my heart calmed, my feet calmed so with my trembling hands, I drove to the park I wanted to go to. But that didn't stopped the tears from flowing.

This park is my favorite. There are no other people around, because it's abandoned, it may be creepy, but hey I love this place. For the past 3 years of my loneliness, no, I am not lonely, I still have Jinki and Kibum. But for those past 3 years, this is my comforting zone. I'll usually cry my eyes here and pour my heart out. This place has watched me suffered through a lot of heart attacks because this is the place where I'll shout until my throat hurts, until I loose my voice. This place has witnessed every single tears came out from my eyes, it has witnessed every questions I threw at the trees, asking what happened with the SNSD that used to be my family.

I looked at the poor swing and sat on it. This swing is my favorite, ever since Yuri brought me here, this swing has always been my favorite. This park was introduced to me by my favorite dongsaeng. Of course, she won't remember any of this anymore. I bet, she doesn't care anymore.

I stayed my on the cold flat metal of this rusty piece of swing while crying. This park is precious to me but at the same time, I hate this place. It brings back all the memories. Every single memory made here with my members quickly flashed on my clean mind. Jessica and I usually fought here over simple things. Those members first called us the 'Violent Couple' exactly in this place. HyoSic? How I miss my 14 years buddy right now.

"I really thought it's my party. I thought I owned that night..."

"It's my birthday, how dare them forget it? Last year, they even sent me their greetings through text. Even with a simple short message, I swear, I'll treasure it like my own son."

"But with them, forgetting, I can't, even- imagine, it? Am I really that invisible already?" I asked myself.

How I miss Yuri hugging me. Right at this place, right at this cold night, she'll definitely hug me. But that was 3 years ago.

"That kid leader, how dare she even forget my birthday? She promised me that she'll buy me a pair of shoes from my favorite brand if she forgot my birthday. Should I ask her for that? Hahaha." She probably forgot that promise already.

"That cold princess, what happened to our oh-so-called the longest friendship in SNSD? Since I was around 9 or 10, we're like two unicorns that can't be separated, especially in our practice room. We even promised each other that every time one of us will celebrate our special day, we'll have- have a date?"

"Lee Seunkyu, I have nothing to say. She greeted me earlier, she even gave me a bracelet." While looking at my right wrist.

"Is she wearing it? By the way, 22 is our day. I must call her."

I held my phone up and called her. I have no idea if she can answer it by now, knowing that she's busy.

But she answered.

"Hyo, where are you? You disappeared earlier without letting me know where you will go." She noticed it?

"Sunkyu! Happy 22nd day of the month! Thank you for not leaving my side, comforted me if needed. Being the last member to actually join the SNSD is a good thing. We became really, really close. How I wish that even if SNSD already got forgotten by the netizens, we would still be the bestfriends. I'm thankful to have you in my life. Are you busy? Bye, I love you." With that, I ended the call, carefully, before she can hear my silent sobs.

She called me but I just rejected each call I received. She have every damn right to be happy.

Someone actually texted me.

"Yah! You explain yourself later to me at the dorm. I know you're crying. Take care of yourself."

What should I explain to her? That I assumed a lot and got disappointed? I don't want her to tell it to Miyoung once again and got judged by Miyoung. Miyoung doesn't like me as much as she does before.

I opened the gallery of my cell phone. Just to reminisce something.

I looked at the picture of me and Tiff.

"I miss this, you hugging me? I thought you're my number one fangirl? One day, I just woke up to face the fact that you hated me already. Why? I can make you laugh all day, I can dance to you all day. Please, let's fix this." My tears fell to the screen but I wiped it clean.

I swiped the screen to the left.

A picture of me and the two maknaes.

"Seo baby, Yoon baby. How I miss to accompany the two of you to the toilet. I want to thank you two to actually care for me. I know, you two had always looked up on Taeng so much. But you two tried to fight, for me. I'm so lucky to have you two as my dongsaeng."

Next picture.

A picture of me and the giant. My lovely dongsaeng.

"Hi baby. Ew. I thought you're loyal to me? But when I hugged you, you pushed me away. Yah, I got tripped and my foot hurt so much. I miss you so much. I miss your hugs every time you are scared to sleep alone in your and Tiffany's room. Just for one last time, can we do that again? Repeat that? Hahahaha. I hate you, for actually pushing me last week. But it's fine, I forgive you. Maybe, it's because I love you." I smiled at the picture.

I swiped the screen to the left.

It's a picture of Yuri and I.

"How should I start this to my favorite dongsaeng? Should I say sorry? Because I took away all of you goddamn chances to have the dance breaks? Sorry because I'm a . That time is the only time that I can still dance, like how I usually dance. But because of me, I hurt you and your feelings, pride as a dancer. I'm sorry. If only I could give you the dance breaks on Mr.Mr., Paparazzi and such, I will. But you all look at me as a , think of me as a ."

"If you only knew, I can't dance that much anymore. I can't dance like how I dance during the time you guys labeled me as the 'Dancing Queen'. I can't show other people anymore the reason why you guys call me as the 'Dancing Queen'. I can't pop anymore. My heart's weak. You told me, you will always look up on me. That if by any chance I fall, you'll always catch me. Yuri, I fell already and it hurts, so much. I never wanted to lose you."

"Don't worry, you will still be my favorite dongsaeng. Always will.  Please do remember that I love you, always." I silently smiled with my tears wetting my cheeks.

I wanted to say sorry to her, but she won't even bother to talk to me. I am a main dancer that is why I thought dance breaks are for me and me only. But with this weak heart I have, I should've given it to Yuri, she deserves it.

If ever I lost the whole SNSD itself, I'll always be at the crowd. With wheelchair or without, I'll always be at the crowd. Wearing a SNSD merch t-shirt, holding a pink light stick waving it to make a hallyu wave. I'll always be their number one SONE.

I'll support them, the 8 of them, I'll always be their umma.

As what SONEs tell us, Ot9 is Forever and I'll make my own way to make that 'forever' real and to make it come true.