9. Strong Heart Part II

All I could ever hear was the laughs. I didn't even know what they are laughing about but it seems like everyone is happy. Especially them. Do my eyes lie or is it just me trying to make myself feel worse?

I looked at my members, especially Yoona. Her eyes are with Seunggi, the host. Her boyfriend, is it? Speaking of boyfriends, Taeyeon has one, Jessica has one, Sooyoung has one and so with Tiffany. They seem so happy. I guess it would be fine if I can just leave? There is no one to cook for them, no one to bother them.

Is it already time for myself to get leisure?

I looked at the staffs, all of them are laughing too. In this show, no one seems to think about any of their problems but why am I different? This should be a time for me to have fun but all I could ever think of were my problems.

Heart over mind?

Seunggi broke a joke, I'm thinking wether to laugh or not. Either let myself feel the heard emotions or to save my heart. In the end, I laughed, I felt humane laughing with my mouth wide open. I don't really need to save myself anymore, image wise or not, after everything I'll do later, everyone would get mad, especially the SONEs.

Maybe this would be the last time for me to think about what Ot9 was way back then. The first time we came here, everyone was nervous. Me, being the variety queen, they asked me for advices. We entered this set with Tiffany hugging me. We entered this set with Taeyeon getting mad at me for not cooking her breakfast.

To remember everything again, I came to know how much I miss the hugs of Tiffany and that beautiful voice of Taeyeon. I don't even have the guts to listen to any of our songs because I know that by just a sound of their voice, I'll break down and cry.

I looked at my back to see Sunny smiling over me. I don't know if I should tell her anything about my condition- or maybe she knew everything already? Every time I talk to her, there are always hints around her words playing with my mind.

I held my chest, without my bag right here, I'm getting worried. My chest's starting to feel some pain whilst the rest are laughing their hearts out. Why am I the only one who feel this way?

Why am I the only one hurting right now?

I poked Minzy's shoulder trying to tell her how I really feel right now. In this packed room, I don’t know if I can still manage to do the breathing method. There’s no way out.

With her eye-smile, Minzy looked at me. Her smiles and giggles made me feel hesitant of everything that I would do. Should I? No. I could only smile to her back which made her turn her head away from me. I could feel someone staring at me and when I turned to look at my back, Sunkyu was staring at me with a worried look.

Trying to sooth myself here in this position where I could barely breathe, I did my best, again, to smile at Sunkyu to assure her that nothing is wrong with me.

She nodded to me and returned the smile. She’s now looking at Seunggi who’s been speaking for who knows how long minutes now?

Balling my fists and closing my eyes, I remembered that the guy beside me took my bag. Turning my face to him who was only smiling at the camera pointing at him, I whispered, “Jiyong, my bag,” it was already a struggle for me to tell him these words.

Jiyong looked at me with his worried eyes, hearing my shaky voice and low tone, he could probably tell by now that I am not feeling really well but I also know that he couldn’t do anything about it especially when we’re in front of the camera.

“It’s with our manager, do you need it? Why-“

“G-Dragon-ssi, you? What secret are you going to reveal, hmm?” Seunggi looked at Jiyong with a hint of curiousness on his face.

Jiyong’s now out of the option. Breathing deeply for the nth time by now, I could feel my fingers get numb and my body feel colder than my usual temperature. Second by second, my chest’s getting tighter and it was no longer tolerable.

And with a slight nudge on Jiyong’s waist beside me, I whispered, “Jiyong, bring me outside, please,” and that was the only cue for him to stand up despite having the cameras shooting his face and countless smiles on the staffs.

Everyone around us were taken away by the scene made by the two of us and what made them looked at us in confusion was his favor towards Chaerin.

“Chae, get her bag from manager-nim,” with this statement that was heard from numerous of speakers around the studio, everyone, including the staffs and guests are panicking and looking at me worriedly.

Silently hoping that my members would look at me the same way. Worried.

Walking like a tipsy woman, I did my best to tell the staffs that I was just getting migraines and couldn’t bear it anymore and in no time, the staffs brought me a mini e-fan and allowed me to stay outside.

Clutching my chest and holding Jiyong’s arm for support with my other hand, Jiyong dragged me slowly and made me sat on a bulked pavement. I heard Chaerin bringing me my bag and I also heard Jiyong asking her to come back inside and tell the staffs to edit what happened earlier. Lucky for me , it wasn’t live.

Judging by what Jiyong was acting right now, I know that he knew. Rummaging through my bag, he gave my tablets and ran towards the vending machine to buy me a water.

“You should’ve told me sooner Hyo, we could stop it in no time. Why didn’t you-“

“Kwon Jiyong, please calm down for a while,” I cut him for a reason that his bombarding questions are slowly trying to get on to my nerves while I’m trying to drink some of my pills.

If only I didn’t show anyone my weakest side then their happiness would continue. If only I was able to hold it for an hour or more then none of these would happen.

“You can go back now, I can manage,” telling him with my low and almost inaudible voice, he only scoffed and brought the fan in front of my face and produced air for my sweaty face.

“I’m gonna wait for you, are you okay now?” and now he’s blowing on to my face.

Few minutes have passed and I can already feel my hands, slowly my face getting the warmth and my chest’s getting lighter. While still having him blowing his breath on to my face and his arms getting muscles due to his fanning techniques, I lowly chuckled and gave him a small smile.

Seeing me smiling at him probably shocked him. For me, it was a token of gratitude and these days I don’t usually smile I simply couldn’t.

I stood up with his welcoming arms to support me, “I can always carry you, you know,” he told me with a hint of suggesting tone. Knowing him, he’s probably just messing around with me.

I shrugged my shoulders at him and went straight the studio door with him still trying to support me and my bag on his shoulders. The other staffs are looking at us and some went to us trying to take my from Jiyong which Jiyong didn’t want to so in the end no one could come near us.

Right when we are about to step on the camera’s vision, the shooting was stopped. Although I am trying my very best not to look at them, who am I kidding anyway? It has always been like this for me, avoiding their figures but still my eyes will bring me to where they are and there it is, only the two maknaes are looking at me, Sooyoung and Yuri talking to each other and the other three just rolled their eyes- for probably a reason which you already know.

Only Sunny went to me and asked me how I am feeling, “Are you okay- of course, no. What happened?” while touching my forehead and neck to feel if I have a fever or something.

With a small smile, I lied to her, again, “Migraines and dizziness, that’s it. My blood pressure is running low.” Trying to explain her something that didn’t really happen anywhere my case.

“Is that so? Let’s go back, the shooting will be starting.” Ending her sentence with a smile, I saw the glint on her eyes when she turned her body to look away from my eyes.

Something is wrong, I noticed it just by how she acts in front of me right now and if there is something wrong, I surely don’t have the guts to ask her what was that anyway.

Just watching her to walk away from, that became my cue to walk to where I was sitting earlier but I felt someone sneak behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist. As my reflexes, I should’ve snapped at his head but when I saw his face, I momentarily stopped.

“Were you that amazed of my looks that you stopped from almost hitting me?” He asked me with this smug smile on his face.

I don’t really know what to do with this guy anymore. It was the first time we ever talked this long and why do we act this close? We shouldn’t even be this close.

Rolling my eyes a bit at his silliness, I crossed my arms against him and spoke a word that I know he’ll understand too well, “Urusai,” and walked towards the seat I have been talking about earlier.

He slightly chuckled at my reaction and just followed me. When everyone is now sitting on their respective seats, I know that everyone here will begin to act, again, like how most of the idols are.

“In 3, 2, 1, action!” and then the shooting and acting started once again.

Seunggi started it with the opening remarks that didn’t last long until the topic went to what’s with our secrets that’s waiting to be unfold and now, Jiyong’s on the hot seat.

“So G-Dragon-ssi, who’s your ideal type? I can see on your board that it’s someone who dances well?” and I can also see Jiyong’s grin turning something big.

Kiko dances?

Shuffling at his seat, he spoke so low yet so audible, “I like someone who dances well and has this height that compliments mine,” and turned his ace on his left. Looking at my left side, I saw the 2ne1 with their dancing machine, Minzy.

While on the middle of debating whether it’s Chaerin or Minzy, I heard my name, I definitely heard my name, “Is it Hyoyeon-ssi? She dances well and when I saw the two of you earlier, your height are so complimentable,” Boom almost shouted with his thumbs up on.

Jiyong laughed slightly and put his hand on his mouth. While others are waiting for his reply, I was also itching to know something about what he said but he didn’t say anything and made Seunggi now come for my secret.

“G-Dragon-ssi didn’t want to speak, now, let’s go to our Dancing Queen Hyoyeon-ssi!” Seunggi looked at me with his anticipating eyes and smiled at me.

The camera now filmed me and as a good actress that I am, I smiled, brightly, “So Hyoyeon-ssi, ‘Friendship that’s maybe already been over since the last 3 years.’ was written on your board. Why?” Stinging my ears with that certain question, wasn’t everything that clear enough for people to understand what I am talking about?

Slowly, I turned to sigh deeply, trying to ignore Jiyong’s fingers that’s poking my hand and smile at Seunggi who’s eyes are looking at mine, “I have this group of friends and we’re always together,” I paused for a bit and looked around the room seeing everyone’s attention towards me, this maybe not the best thing to do for my group but I need to, I somehow need to, “But the last 3 years, everyone changed, everything. The way they talk to me, they act whenever I’m around and sometimes I feel like I don’t know them anymore,” I turned to look at my fingers and cleared my throat.

The silence comforted me, no one interrupted and it seems like everyone was trying to deduce who I am talking about. Their eyes are throwing daggers on me and I know that they seem to hate me more by this moment.

“To be honest, I am still trying to bring back everything but waiting and doing it for 3 years was too much,” Minzy held my wrist but no- I can’t stop here.

Regaining my small smile on my lips, “But inside that group of friends, there is this one friend that made me feel like she cares. I thank her, so much, for making me feel like I’m not alone,” and with that, I ended my ‘speech’ and decided to simply avoid their questioning and intriguing eyes on me.

The only eyes that should matter are theirs.

“Hyoyeon-ssi, are they idols or not?” and with this question, my mind went blank.

After all, I didn’t think twice of what should I say to everyone, I should blame myself, I should blame myself for destroying the friendship they thought was unbreakable.

I am sorry.

“I’ll just stay silent if they’re idol or not but that friend I am talking about earlier is an idol,” and at this moment, I don’t want to speak anything further. I want to stop, I want to run away.

I am sorry.

I know Seunggi felt that I am already uncomfortable with the questions and decided to step up, “Okay let’s move on. I hope your friendship will get better. I wish you well and we’ll stop here, I respect the privaacy.”

The next person he asked was Sunny but no matter how much I tried to listen to her, I couldn’t get focus on and the guy beside me wasn’t even helping me because he keeps on asking me who they are. The one I am talking about earlier.

Still having my mind blank, Jiyong pokes are starting to get irritating for me to turn at him with my glare on.

“Yah, I told you about Kiko, even Chaerin and my members didn’t know anything about it. Only you~” Jiyong whispered on my ears.

“Jiyong, I’ll tell you late, promise. I’ll just listen to Sunkyu.” His forehead went crooked and he turned around to look at my members.

“Who’s Sunkyu?” He whispered again to me and now, I can finally hear Sunkyu’s voice “It’s Sunny,” and I turned to look at her.

“You know what your friend is hiding? Why don’t you tell her?” I can see that Seunggi probably thought that it was too boring to be called a headline issue but I can sense Sunkyu’s seriousness from here.

I stared at her face, even the crunching of her nose, I watched everything, “Yes but I didn’t want to inform her that I already know about it because I want her to tell me and that secret was something she wouldn’t tell me, even if it already last for 7 months.”

She finished everything within my blink. I couldn’t think about it again and when I tried to, there is only this one thing that made me feel nervous. That endless statements of seven months made by Sunny.

My head got dizzy and my eyes stated to get blurry, I am still not feeling well for having these side effects because of my medicines. I am not in the mood to listen anymore and I am not in the mood to stay upright at this moment but Jiyong made sure to make me feel alive.

“Do you have schedule later?” He managed to ask me without having his voice get caught on his microphone.

Narrowing my eyes, it started to get hot, it feels suffocating, “I don’t have one,” I answered when I caught his eyes staring at mine.

“Come with me for a while- no, not for a while but come with me-“ he didn’t finish what he said when his name was called and the camera was at him for about a minute already.

“G-Dragon-ssi, what can you say about today’s episode?” Seunggi asked him with a smile.

Jiyong smiled cheekily and gave two thumbs up at the camera in front of him, “I had a lot of fun, it’s been a while since we guested on this kind of shows, we’re always having tours.” Seunggi smiled at him and turned to look me, probably for the same question.

“Hyoyeon-ssi?”

"Oh- yes, like what Jiyong said, I also had a lot of fun,” lies, “and I wish to come here again some time.”

Everyone clapped and beamed happily. Seunggi and his co-host did their ending remarks and everyone waved at the camera, “3, 2, 1, cut! Thank you everyone!” and that ended the shooting.

I went straight to the manager of the Big Bang and took my bag from her with gratitude on my words. I wished her thanks and bowed in front of her many times.

Turning my back against her, I turned to walk towards the exit to enter my car because I have thought of ditching Jiyong because why not- but I was stopped by a hand on my wrist again and that showed me my member, Tiffany.

“What happened to you earlier?” She asked me with a glint on her eyes. Even though I might be afraid to admit this, it was a glint of worry.

“Nothing, I just got dizzy for my low blood pressure,” her hand stayed on my wrist while her eyes are scanning my face as if she was longing for me all this time. It felt new, everything felt new and I know somewhere beyond these eyes, she missed me too.

She let my wrist and turned away to walk towards the group. Yoona was eyeing me, I can sense that she wanted to come to me but I can also see that Yuri’s hands are holding her in place.

I smiled at Yoona and mouthed, “I’ll get going then? Text me, bye.”

I turned around for nth time around and now saw another one of my members, Sunkyu but instead of acting surprised, I hugged her like it was the last thing to do right now and she caressed my back.

When I broke the hug off, I smiled at her, the real one and she did too, “Is that thing working well?” she pointed at my chest.

My eyebrows met and my lips froze, I couldn’t speak, “You held your chest earlier when I saw you getting sick, is that okay?”

“I-I’m fine,” uttering my words, I gulped blocks of my saliva and proceeded, “It’s just my blood pressure and it just felt heavy earlier but it went away, don’t worry.”

"Is that so? Go to the doctor okay? I don’t want anything to happen to you. I’ll go now, my uncle has some errands for me. Bye,” and with that she turned to run against me and I can’t help but think she’s just avoiding.

"Give him the best wishes then, say it's from me." I shouted.

She only smiled and that made me walk towards my car when someone just stopped me from doing so again. He got my bag from me and wrapped his arm on my shoulders. It’s him. I turned to look at him and was about to speak when I saw him smile and felt warmth on my cheeks. 

Biting the insides of my lips, I looked straight and cursed on my head.  his smile then and silence took all over me.