7. Four.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I slowly opened my eyes only to be welcomed by the shining rays of the sun and by the minute passing by, it only made my eyes hurt.

I still want to sleep. For a member like me who doesn't even have a schedule, what should I do rather than to sleep? I don't even have the strength to hang out with anybody- do I have that anybody? My phone also rang which only made me get irritated.

I abruptly got my body to my feet and didn't even bother to look at who's calling. My mood seems to drastically fell when I heard the voice. It's the manager.

"Hello," I simply answered with a not-so-interested tone.

"You have a schedule tomorrow," and with that statement, my tired eyes stopped blinking for a moment and that is when I realized what she has just said.

I have a schedule, is this miracle?

"You got me a schedule, finally?" I answered it with a hint of sarcasm.

It's already known that the manager didn't really like me so unfair treatments has been made to me. It’s not like I am complaining, I am just saying. Instead of trying so hard to think about it all the time, I’ve just came to just simply let all the thinking go and don’t waste any of my time out there. Not like I can even do anything about it.

“Oh, shut your trap, just say thank you. 1pm on the dot, Strong Heart,” the manager ended the call as soon as she said the program I was going to be in.

I put my arm down and looked at my phone’s light to die. I don’t know if I’m going to be happy with what she told me or still going to be mad because of my lack of sleep. I shrugged the thought off my head and stood up to get inside my bathroom. Just like before, I looked at myself and stared at every part of my face. Rather than having that tired face like I had weeks before, I think I am getting better. The doctor told me that little by little, the medicines I am taking are working.

Less stress, he said. As if that would ever happen.

I washed my face and gargled a cup of water. I walked towards the door and got outside of the bathroom. My phone says 10:27 AM. This day, I am going to have a follow check-up. Usually, I am alone and sometimes the doctor even asked to where my guardians are.

I am the guardian of myself.

I can’t tell them how bad I got, I can’t even tell my mother and my brother how much suffering I have had. I am doing this for them, not for myself. Never.

But now, 2ne1 insisted to come with me. In just a blink of an eye, some parts of my life have changed. Before Jinki or Kibum would try their best to come with me but now, the 2 became 6. I am happy.

I smiled at the thought and still kept my smile until I saw the messages of Jinki and Kibum.

“Noona, 2ne1 would take care of you for meantime. We have a concert tour around the world. We’re at the Japan, anything you like, noona? I’ll call you once I set my foot at South Korea,” Jinki’s the one who messaged me this one. They both knew that the 2ne1 girls know already my condition and I think that made them at ease. I didn’t want to bother them any longer nor bother anyone anymore.

“Baby, I talked to the four. I told them to take care of you so I have no worries. Update me on KakaoTalk, okay? Love you noona!” That’s exactly what I like about Kibum, he’s sweet. He didn’t fail me from making me feel loved and young again.

I exited my room and went straight at the kitchen to feed myself. I saw unwashed dishes, dirty kitchen tops and bunch of instant foods that they ate. Well, maybe, Taeyeon’s there to cook for them but before, I was the one who did all of these. As I have said, I am not complaining about not having enough schedule, if I would have to think about it, it actually made me happy when I see them eating bunch of food that I cooked just for them. But now, it’s different. Everything’s just different about them- or maybe about me.

I am different because I am sick. I am different because the treat me like I am. I am different because I no longer wanted to see them with me. I don’t want to see them suffering because of me. I don’t want to see their eyes full of hatred and anger whenever they talked to me.

Is leaving them the best possible way to do so? I would.

I ate fast and went to wash myself quickly. I wore clothes that Chaerin gave me as a present and looked at how I look. An oversized shirt with a rigged pants, it definitely is my style. YG’s style but not my company’s style. Here I am again at the thought of YG and SM. Do I even get tired of this?

I got my phone up and called Minzy, “Maknae, I’m good to go now,” and she ended it. I smiled slightly at what she did. She has always been like, she never even greeted me every time I call her before but it’s okay. She’s a good person, she’s a good friend- rather, a close friend of mine.

I took my medicine, wallet, keys and phone with me, the only necessary things of my life and went to the living room of this dorm, I’ll just wait for them to come. In order to keep my boredom with me, I opened my instagram account to see what do the people I follow posted. I still follow the members but they don’t except for Sunny. I don’t even have the guts to unfollow them because I know for myself that this would be the only way for me to stare at their faces and look how happy they are at each picture.

I sometime wished to be there beside them, smiling like them but not all wishes come true. If I were to be there with them, would they laugh at candid photos like that? Would they smile so bright on their photos like that?

No, I guess.

The picture is better off without me.

And sooner in time as I scrolled the application, I saw a picture with a caption of “Ot8 Forever,” posted by xolovestephi. I paused momentarily and after about a minute, I smiled, widely. Does it hurt? It did. It always did. But it’s fine. It’s fine for me to hurt, to ache, it’s okay if it’s just me and not them.

Let it all be Hyoyeon, not the Girls’ Generation.

I looked at the picture again and tried to remember what place was that. I bet they’re on the club, seeing the shot glasses on their hands, they are on the club, partying. Little did I know even if I tried my very best not to look at the comment bar, my eyes still made their way to the hundreds of words.

“Ot8? Why Ot8,” “Ot8 is real,” “IMY tiff,” are some of those comments. Out of all those comments i read are full of the word Ot8. Naturally, I would just shrugged it off. Let’s be real, not all SONEs like me anyway but that doesn’t matter. If that’s what would make them happy, I would happily do everything. SONEs are the best wishes that came true.

One of the comments got my eye. Everything from its beginning till the end is something that would really make me interested. “Where is Hyo? She finally realized how those 8 treated her the worst?” The worst? They did?

They didn’t.

I laughed slightly but that laugh turned down immediately when the images of my members flashed back at the thin air. Of course, they didn’t. I was the worst, not them who made me feel worst. Or maybe- I still haven’t realized it? But hey, at least I am trying. Maybe?

I turned my phone down and smiled once again, it really does hurts. But it’s fine. It’s just Hyoyeon anyway.

A loud knock came from the door and a loud voice which I know who the owner was, “Babe!” The only person who called me babe, Lee Chaerin.

I opened the door to see Chaerin with the other three members. Chaerin rushed to hug me whilst Bom was trying to get Chaerin off me. The other two are just watching and smiling at the sight of us three, especially the two fighting but eventually, it has ceased. They brought me to their van and made me get inside and when Chaerin told their manager where to go, all four closed their eyes.

I woke up at the voice of their manager trying to wake Chaerin up. I turned to Sandara, “What should we do to her?” but Sandara only waved her hands at me and mouthed to me to just let Chaerin sleep right there.

We went straight inside the hospital and went to ask the desk for my doctor. As I got inside the room, a sight of his smile can be seen. I know what was that for, I clearly knew about it. It has been 2 weeks ever since the 2ne1 came to know my illness and it has been the first ever for my doctor to see me bringing a companion- but rather companions other than the usual Jinki and Kibum.

At first, the doctor told me how my condition was getting better. My heart’s not stressing itself and he told me that the blood was flowing normally with the necessary amount of oxygen needed for my body. He told me that the medicines are doing great and that I can assure him with no worries because instead of getting worse, he told me I am getting better which is great.

“The donated heart would be safely transferred here in 2 weeks,” a smile can be seen again on his face. I can see that he’s happy with how I’m doing.

The other 3 are just listening intensely and the maknae even had her notepad on her hand which was adorable of her. I am happy right now. Truly.

The room’s door shot open and the blonde leader spoke, “You left me!” and went straight towards us. She hushed when Bom put her pointing finger on and that’s when she realized that there is someone else out there beside us. She sat together with me and the doctor started once again with a growing smile on his face.

“Just like what I have told you, 2 weeks and the, there’s no problem. Take the operation and you’re done Miss Kim.”

Right after my check-up, the four brought me at a fancy restaurant because earlier the four kept on asking the doctor of everything I needed to have, to do and whatsoever and they keep on insisting that I should never ever let myself feel hungry so here I am, sitting with them trying to eat.

But to be honest, there is someone out there I definitely know. A girl with a brown hair, kind-of wide forehead, v-chin and Blanc shades resting on her nose bridge, I definitely know who this is. Taeyeon and Tiffany are with her, they’re talking to each other and it seems like they’re having fun. I didn’t bother to hide myself because I know for sure that they have already seen me.

If I was there, would they laugh the same way? Or maybe even hear, “You Hyoyeon?” and there it was, Chaerin just said what I am thinking about.

“What do you want to eat? Don’t worry, it’s all on me.”

Instead of looking back at Chaerin who asked me, my eyes still brought me to where my members are. They’re still laughing, probably at another thing different from before. I thought, how would they feel if I laugh with other people than them?

"Hyoyeon, which one? Yoohoo."

"Pick one for me Chaerin," I answered without looking at her again.

"Hyoyeon, look at me. Not the three, if you want to be happy, please, look at me. You don’t need to try so hard for them anymore, this life,” I turned to look at her and she pointed at me, “Is yours,” she ended with a whisper.

That’s right, this life is mine. I should live it freely and fully before my last breath comes.

Now, I turned to look at the other three. Dara was holding her thumbs up, Bom was bobbing her head up and down and Minzy was reading the menu but she probably heard everything. Minzy gave me the menu and helped me choose the dish to eat and when the ordered was taken, the conversation started.

Continuing still when the food came, continuing still when we’re eating. It feels good and bad at the same time.

I am secretly hoping for my members to look at me, to watch me and be jealous of what’s happening right now. Can’t they see? I am laughing together with the group that’s supposedly our rival. My new friends. My new family. Please, look at me- my phone vibrated at my pocket.

“I can now see the reason why you’re acting like a . Birds with the same feather, sticks with each other,” Jessica Jung.

“Such a thick face to be with them, no? Your attitude says it all,” Hwang Tiffany.

“You don’t have the right to dream and hope. You’re not going to be like us even more be like them. You’re pure useless,” Kim Taeyeon.

And that ended me, I can feel the tears ruining my eyes today. I am certain that I am not useless but seeing the way they treat me as if in their whole life I was just a nuisance, these words are not something I could simply just laugh off. They hurt, like hell.

I never even wanted to be someone else other than me. I have my own name. No one can ever take my dream away from me.

I touched the message box and decided to reply. I cannot just sit here and cry without doing anything to fight for these four beside me. They should be doing this. Making me happy, laughing with me, telling me stories of who their crushes are and such yet instead of them eight, these 2ne1 girls are doing their part. No, I cannot let them crush 2ne1 behind their backs.

I was about to push that one letter when my phone just disappeared. It was taken away by Chaerin, she touched something and put the phone on her ear, I look back at Taeyeon, her phone’s on her ear too. Chaerin just called her.

“Yea, hey, I’m CL, Lee Chaerin, the one and only baddest female. I, as a leader, won’t tell those kind of words to my member, you’re worthless leader, I see.”

While listening to Chaerin beside me, I can only watch Taeyeon burn from embarrassment and anger. Why can’t I say anything? Why couldn’t I defend Taeyeon the way I defended the 2ne1, just why?

“I also don’t have the time to have quarrels right now, Taeyeon. Don’t stand there and slap me at my face because I know you still have some of the dignity right there on your skin? And you’re right too, I am a much better leader than you,” and there, she ended the call without letting Taeyeon say anything.

Chaerin stood up and gave her credit card to the approaching waiter. She went straight to my members which made me stood up, I need to stop Chaerin, right now.

“I took her phone, she didn’t give me, stop misunderstanding,” she told the three with a straight face and walk away. Minzy took Chaerin’s card and bowed at figure of the three sunbaenims in front of her.

I’m glad that no further damage was made but the things Taeyeon told me kept ringing on both my ears.

“You’re pure useless,” Taeyeon’s voice was all I heard. It was enough to make me crazy but why does it feel good?

Why is it painful and something that made me feel good at the same time? It’s hurting me, tearing me apart but somehow, some part inside me tells that it’s good to know what they think of me, of my friends and what made me feel really good was what Chaerin did.

Am I a 2ne1 member or a Girls’ Generation member? Why am I much happier with them right now? They protected me while Girls’ Generation protected themselves from me. Didn’t I just say that Girls’ Generation would always be my choice over 2ne1? But why am I doubting my choices once again? 2ne1 over Girls’ Generation?

“You’re hurt, I know but you told me you knew it and you’re fine with it. Try to survive those hurtful words then,” a sincere tone can be heard from Chaerin’s voice.

Maybe I can survive? Maybe.