Why can’t I leave you?

Caught in an endless loop of negative thoughts, he'd pull out a cigarette and hold it between his fingers after lighting it. Mindlessly puffing breath after breath, too absorbed in the taunting thoughts that thrived on pure provocation. It didn't matter how many times he was yelled at for smoking at the gas station, he'd do it anyway. The disgusting and harmful chemicals were hurting him, but at the same time they comforted him in an odd and rather morbid way. Even though he hated that the drivers would throw trash with their money, that they would hurriedly drive off after he served them with a cigarette resting between his lips, he continued to smoke.

He was doing it as a silent cry for help, but masked in a dangerous rebellion. It was so masked, he himself didn't realise how much help he needed.

However tonight was different. He didn't want to deal with his troubles, he didn't want to think about them. Honestly, he didn't know what was troubling him half the time anymore, he had reverted to a state of numbness, any he wasn't all that happy about it. Because of how much his thoughts were annoying him, he wanted to just make them all one colour. If they were all one colour, then they'd be easier to pile together and forget. However, when he let his happy thoughts run wild, they'd somehow find the one colour he was trying to get rid of, and repaint them to their true colours once more. No matter how many times he tried to paint his pain white, his happiness would show how truly black they were. Fed up with how many times he tried to cover them over and over, he painted his happiness white too. Now side by side, his happiness and sorrow couldn't mess with each other. Now he was just numb, one colour.

He sighed as he finished his cigarette, and flung it by the large garbage bins. Alone with his thoughts once again, but he had nothing interesting to think about. Just black words reflecting off a white and empty room.

He heard a car coming down the highway, and looked up to see if it was a customer. They rolled in and he got up to greet them. Completely drained of any motivation, he didn't even look up to see the customer. He started to fill the car, and prepared himself to have trash and money thrown at him. When he received nothing he gave in and looked up.

"Namjoon...?"

"...Jin?"

A genuine smile steadily grew across his face for the first time in years. It was good to see him again, but I could see the hurt hiding in his eyes. I told him where I was staying and wrote it down so he could come as soon as he could. He thanked me and sent me off after I paid.

And I couldn't help a smile spread across my face either.

We were finally together again.